So I went to my ex-husband's house tonight to look for my sons birth certificate so my son could get his temps. My husband and I have been split now for about 2 years.

He had an affair with my friend/co-worker 8 years ago and I never got over it. Plus, he and I are both controlling types and we butted heads on a daily basis. He is hyper and I am a silent dreamer. I am pisces and he is gemini. We are exactly like our sun signs to if you want to know. Weird.

I love to daydream even though it is impractical at times. He had a habit of yelling at me when I would do it. I became miserable. I began to escape by going for long walks in the woods and gathering little things from them. I was working on my ancestors craftwork to escape also. I would use the things I found in the woods to put it together. I guess I was obsessive about it.

Right before I left, he and I had a fight which led me to be flipped over and kneeled on, then have a fist in my back a few times. I had bruises on my back for weeks afterward. This physical thing would only happen about twice or three times a year. But that is enough. He has an extremelly violent temper, which my kids have seen.

He smoked pot to ease his tension. I tried to get him to go to the doctor and he went. The dr. put him on anti-depressants which my husband discontinued. I tried to get him back, to no avail.

When my husband is nice, boy, he is sweet and loving. When someone is sick, he is giving and attentive.

Anyway, I have just moved a few blocks from him about a month ago so the kids can go back and forth and I can have the dogs here sometimes. We had been married about 16 years. Now, 2 years after separating, he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. Our divorce is pending and we are both serious in our relationships.

Sorry about the tangent! But he thought my sons birth certificate was in the drawer. He started pulling stuff out of the drawer, pictures and little mementos. He said he hadn't gone through it for about 4 years. I broke down and cried big tears. My question is this: Why?? It has been two years since I left.

Let me say this. I married for life. I hung in there. I worked. I went to school. I cared for my children and was a loving mother. During all of this, I worked out hard enough to look sexy to him. I poured my whole self onto this family.

My husband hugged me for a minute and I told him I was sorry for leaving. I left him, the house, my kids, my three dogs, my three legged cat, my life...I feel so guilty.

My ex offered my a beer. I shared a beer with him.

You know? He has never said, "Dani, I am sorry for the pain I brought to you. I know you tried."

I know he tried too in his own way. He is a hard worker and a great provider. He took our family on some awesome vacations. There were good times.

When he is mad I hate him. I hated him when he cheated, a human mistake. When he is nice and sweet, he is wonderful. But we didn't have a good business relationship, which is what a marriage is right?

My son walked in and I composed myself, thanked him for the brew and went home.

Why are my heart strings still attached? I think I know. I guess I just want to know that what I feel is normal.

I love the new guy I have. He is a nerd, so I have heard from a few folks. But everyone likes him. So he dosen't do martial arts, lift weights and ride dirt bikes like my ex. My new man is a college graduate and my ex hated school. My Mom said she wanted all of us girls (there are three of us. My sister's have controlling husbands too) to marry someone like the new guy. She thinks he will bring up my confidence to return to college. He is sweet and he would give me the world if I wanted it. I do love him so.

I hate feeling this way. Oh well, sorry about the depressing post. I will regret writing it later.

I can relate 16 years is a long time!
Glad you got out, you shouldn't have to worry about someone hurting you.
Maybe because your heart is moving on with life and love, it was time for a final goodbye weep! I know that feeling!
I am glad you have a nice nerd now!
I'd like a nice nerd that can dance!

My ex. never appologized for his abuse. Physical or mental.

Don't ever regret it.

there is a lot of talk about always remembering your first love, no matter when that happened as being pretty special. Whether or not your ex was yor first love, he is a man that you shared some hard times with, but also some very significant experience that were meaningful and positive. There was something special in him that you fell in love with in the beginning that is still part of who he is.

But the violent temper and physical abuse also was a part of what happened. No matter how many times a year it happened it was no right to happen at all. There probably was more that happened that was not physical but still hurtful and possibly abusive during the other times.? it sounds like you made a healthy choice to leave. Unfortunately that choice went against what you believed marriage to be for life. My husband and I have been married 21 years. I imagine that if I went through this, I would be stuggling like you are. Difficult emotions to process.

Hugs,

I believe it's better to feel sad once in a while about this than to feel bitter about it. I don't really sense that you regret the descision, it's OK to have some feelings about it. If you live so close now, it's something you'll have to deal with, especially with the children still around.

I'm in the process of splitting up a 10 year marriage right now.

I agree with what the others said. I think it is okay to regret things did not work out. Remember now that your not together he is going to seem a lot nicer than he was because he is not being abusive towards you. You should not feel guilty about leaving him. He was the one who did things to warrent you moving on.

Glad you have found a new special guy. Being somewhat of a nerd myself I am glad you picked one of us. :D As someone who struggles a lot in my own marriage I can relate to the hurt you feel. Best of luck to you!

Thank you. I do feel better today. Biking, you were right about my ex seeming nicer now that we are apart.

Nerds choose nerds to be with. I have been a nerd hiding behind a "cool" mask for 16 years. Now being with a nerd, who I really don't think is nerd at all, I am a lot happier now.

Paulbf, I am sorry about your 10 year marriage split. If you can part as friends, it will be benificial. That is how I split with my ex. It could have gotten very ugly. But we are both reasonable enough not to let that happen. Mostly for the kids who have suffered enough while we were together. Good luck!

In your case, you said he never apologized. Did you apologize?

I've apologized a lot but I'm not able to make the changes to become who she needs without her genuine support and she doesn't trust me enough to believe in me any more. My apology isn't worth much without action. We are both very sad and have cried together over this recently but then we take turns getting defensive and feeling the need to rationalize our own positions and blame the other to put our minds at rest.

I've accepted her offer for the money split, if I wanted to fight that it would be very ugly. I initially proposed 50/50 rationalizing that my emotional input was as valuable as her hard work and savings but if you count how much I actually put into savings she offered me a very good deal. And the money is more important to her so I'm fine with that. In the end my emotional/spiritual input has apparently failed to benefit her but we could both rationalize who's fault that is till the end of the earth.

Sorry to hijack your thread with my questions but maybe thinking about this will help clear things up for you and it's rather overwhelming for me now.

I'm sorry, that was an insensitive thing to ask. Besides which I didn't read carefully. My head & heart are too full of things now to think clearly. I feel for both you and your husband. It seems our divorce is final after tonite's talk. Wow, 2 years separated & we've decided on divorce in just a few months; only a few weeks that I considered it a real possibility.

I think your feeling sorry is a healthy thing that will help put it to rest. Guilt is not useful but hard not to feel since you are human and obviously very compassionate and kind.

I usually speak before I read too. I have found myself making insensitive remarks too when I didn't mean it.

You and your wife will be less miserable and the two of you may be able to maintain a friendship at the end of all this. My ex and I both mourned this for a long time. We both agree that neither one of us is dead, just the marriage is.

I think I was afraid of missing his friendship most of all. He made me laugh like crazy. I don't think anyone else can do that since I have such a quirky sense of humor. My boys can make me laugh like that. But the marriage was unhealthy with everything else involved.

In my opinion, in a marriage, you need a friend, a lover, and a business partner. Plus other things I cannot think of right now. My ex and I have always had a great friendship, but everything else was missing or dead.

It is funny, we went to engagment encounter through my Catholic church. The counselor told everyone that if we broke up as a result of this counseling weekend, it was meant to be.

My ex and I broke up, but later got back together. We were so immature that we thought the notebooks and love letters that they made us write were dumb (I was a very immature 21 year old. Add attention deficit to that!)

Anyway, we were not meant to be, but we ignored the signs. When we were dating, then engaged, we "partied well together".

We went to Jamaica on our honeymoon because of my ex's dream of a pot farm! I didn't partake, but I supported his dreams. During that 8 day honeymoon, I spent like 5 days with him. He explored the countryside with some Jamaican guy he met the other 3 days. I sat and cried on the beach, alone, for those 3 days. Some Jamaican women comforted me. I should have known then.

Neither one of us is trashy, just airheaded. He has a steady job and has worked hard now for 26 years. A legal respectable job!

I need the support of someone who supports education. Education is as serious to me as breathing. I loved college. I just didn't have the confidence enough to finish it. My ex always would support strangers if they finished college and had a great job. He did that and it made me feel inferior.

Some of the things he said and did to me were mean. I don't know if he meant some of it or not. Anyway, I will finish college now that we are split.

I am surprised our marriage lasted as long as it did. Sorry for being long-winded!! Keep us posted if you need to.

Ah, yes we had this same problem when we first got married, even when we were dating. It was just so nice to have a friend that we ignored the signs also.

I just experienced a major de-ja-vu.

Not about back then but about writing this message and our split-up with these words. Hmm, it's gone now.