View Full Version : I would like some help/feedback


Rhoellan
10-23-09, 04:09 PM
I understand that no one can diagnose someone with 100% accuracy over the Internet. I came to this board yesterday looking for help with my 11 yo son, who was diagnosed with ADHD, but my wife and I felt like his struggles were social as well. His adhd seems to get better, but with or w/o medication, he struggled socially.

So when everyone on the thread felt from my description that it could be Aspergers, which I knew nothing about, I was shocked. The more I read, the sadder I became. My son hit so many of these things and so did I, my mother and my grandmother. I have always felt like "my issues" were from lack of effort, being misunderstood, prejudice and being "moody".

I am 38 now, on Adderall XR, which helps with the ADD, but I have never done well socially. I am considered successful, have been called brilliant, have always got the results, but it never seems to work out. In fact, this week my partner, who is the majority owner, sent me an e-mail that said he is not sure he can work with me. I was floored. It had nothing to do with my performance, effort, customer or employee complaints, but with "me".

He said basically that I am "difficult" and this was the FIRST indication I had ever known about it. This is my longest tenure position at 3 years and they have all ended the same way, or with me getting frustrated.

Socially, I get frustrated with family functions, my in-laws and everyone feels like I act like I am better than they are. Even though I am in sales, when not in my element, I am in introvert, with very little to say unless it is a conversation that I am well versed in, or interested in.

My wife will constantly ask me why I am so quiet and I get frustrated and angry. Not with her, but that I really wanted to "be different" this time and yet, here I am, being all withdrawn. I always attributed it to being worn out talking with people.

My employees ask if I ever smile. I rarely feel happy, but don't feel depressed. I start a lot of things, but never finish them completely, spending more time analyzing how to do them more efficiently than actually doing them. I have few friends and those are the ones who stay in touch with me. Those people seem to love me deeply, and I them, but I never feel like I show it as they are out of sight, out of mind.

I move furniture in my house constantly and can't stand when we make poor use of the space. It bothers me. I obsess and analyze everything as that and "doing it now" have been the only ways to deal with my ADD over the years. My mom, grandmother and I all prefer to be home. I rarely go out, even on nice days and would rather play a video game or something like that.

I am not lazy, but feel like I have to work extra hard on things that don't "stimulate" me. Sigh, I am rambling and I feel like just by asking that I am acting like a hypochondriac. But I have been trying and failing for years, with everyone I love, to be something or act someway that for whatever reason NEVER happens.

If there is a diagnosis, maybe there is a treatment and maybe, just maybe, it isn't all my fault for once. Hoping you have a mental disorder for joy seems pathetic, but it would give me HOPE.

Thx for reading the book, please let me know your candid responses.:rolleyes:

Lunacie
10-23-09, 06:47 PM
Hello Roellen, your description sounds very much like me. I've been tentatively dx by our family therapist with ADHD (predominately inattentive), anxiety disorder, depression, and possibly ODD. I think Asperger's would explain a lot for me as well. Yet it's not a perfect fit either.

Have you read "So I'm Not Crazy, Stupid or Lazy"? That explained a LOT about what I've been struggling with my whole life.

I have a friend who is in her mid-30's, has been teaching high school for the last few years as well as taking college courses to get her Master's. She was dx with ADHD a couple of years ago and has had many of the same issues with work that you relate. She was not rehired this fall at the school she'd been teaching at - mainly she failed to suck up to the principal. She took a part time job teaching at JuCo. But I'm sure she wonders if she'll run into the same problem.

Lady Lark
10-23-09, 08:35 PM
My son has Asperger's, and I know how hard it can be, reading what it's all about and wondering if there is any hope. I don't know how much it will help you, but with him we found a great play therapist who helped him learn how to read people, and then how to react.

The way she described it was that aspies don't pick up on non-verbal like most kids do, but they can be taught how to intellectually read it. So while most people know what someone looks like sad, and how to react, and learned that as they grew up, aspies have to think, "ok, the way the eyes are, combined with the lips, combined with the turn of the body means sad, now that I know that, I should say something to cheer them up"

It's basically a foreign language, and anyone can learn that, given time and practice. One thing that also helped, is this great computer program called Mind Reading. It's help teach non-verbal, and how to react.

Lunacie
10-24-09, 09:26 AM
My granddaughter has a wonderful teacher this year (special ed room). She was explaining to us last week at parent/teacher conferences her idea to set up a mirror and model different moods for Nove 'Mber, and have Nove try to copy them. Sounds like it might help Nove to understand moods and read them in other people's expressions and postures.

Rhoellan
10-24-09, 11:02 AM
Well I am not a child unfortunately, but it should work for my son. For me, I make a living out of reading body language and have learned the hard way about saying what I am thinking or reacting to something.

That said; it is INTENSE WORK for me to do this. I way awake at night replaying conversations and formulating conversations complete with the other person's anticipated response. This makes me very calculating and many times correct as I seem to have responses that flow naturally to their objections.

I can go on and on about this, but I know from picking other people's brains that the way I approach things is alien, so I keep it to myself. I get by, but I get lonely, yet have self defeating behavior when establishing long term relationships. Yes, this is something I have realized, like many other oddities about myself, but cannot seem to fix.

My concern is that everyone struggles with things; nothing is perfect. That it is too convenient to blame a short coming on a disorder. That, like my son, this is just me being just kind of "off", yet have been told I am "gifted". If it is Asperger's, as I understand it and if therapy is the only treatment, then experiences have allowed me to get a hand's on learning approach. Therefore, I need to just focus on my son and "deal with it" on my own, unless there are things I am missing here. Anything I am missing? :confused:

Lady Lark
10-24-09, 12:40 PM
The hardest thing we had to work with my son was getting him to let things go. It sounds like you have that difficulty too. (replaying conversations) Can you find somewhere, some activity that you enjoy where you either fit in better, or were people don't care if you're a little "off? That would help wonders in giving you some down time to de-stress.

wsmac
10-24-09, 01:07 PM
Rhoellan,

I have ADHD. I do not have AS but I do relate well to many of the facets of it.
I also have a nephew and a co-worker who are Aspies.
The nephew just finished college at Chico State in California a year or so ago, and my co-worker not only graduated college but is going back again.

She has worked in the same lab I have for a year or so longer than me.
When I first met her, I initially thought she was always angry or unhappy with me.
I realized in short order that she was 'different' like me, and so I was able to see beyond my own inaccurate assessment of her actions.

I was surprised that many people in our hospital felt she was distant, curt, weird for not looking anyone in the eyes while conversing...

Over the years, she has worked really hard at being more 'normal', and today she can hold her own in short-lived, group conversations. She laughs and tells jokes appropriately. She even does the 'looking in the eyes' thing better than ever.

But... I know she works hard at it. She very definitely prefers to just talk about specific things then drop the conversation, minimize eye-to-eye contact, have things in a particular order, and live a very logical life.

We've talked about these things over the years. She's a very caring and wonderful person. She helped me through my divorce, my gender issues, and with my own ADHD quirks at work.

I don't know you, but I would say don't give up hope.
For me, part of what got me to where I am today (a much better place mentally), was just accepting myself for what/who I am. I don't measure myself against the so-called normal folks anymore. I worked at recognizing my positive ADHD traits, whether anyone else can pick them out or not.

I also quit trying to insert myself into social groups and friendships where I really just did not fit.
I can't dismiss all relationships where I feel more of a square peg in a room of round holes, or else I would be pretty much totally alone except for when my daughter is with me.

But I try to get just what I really need from relationships and nothing more.
My former wife and I were never meant to be a good match except for bringing a beautiful human being into this world.
My new girlfriend will have to accept my quirkiness or move on to someone else.
I try to compromise along with her concessions, in order to share the responsibility of making our relationship work, but I am not going to sell myself short in order to make her as happy as I think I have to.

I wish you well in your own relationships... intimate and work... but please, first accept yourself and find those positive things about you!
It's said that we are our own worst critics... but critiquing isn't always supposed to be fraught with negative results.

I've got 11 years on you in age, and I only recently decided I would not spend the next half of my life doing to myself what I did the first half!
I do hope you can find a way to do that also... the sooner the better!
I can only imagine that this would be a positive thing for your son and the relationship you two have.

ginniebean
10-24-09, 01:17 PM
My concern is that everyone struggles with things; nothing is perfect. That it is too convenient to blame a short coming on a disorder. That, like my son, this is just me being just kind of "off", yet have been told I am "gifted". If it is Asperger's, as I understand it and if therapy is the only treatment, then experiences have allowed me to get a hand's on learning approach. Therefore, I need to just focus on my son and "deal with it" on my own, unless there are things I am missing here. Anything I am missing? :confused:

Yes, everyone does struggle with various things and it's very easy with a pervasive disorder to think of yourself as a 'little off' and that you need to 'just deal with it'. However, because of the pervasive nature you may be seriously underestimating the impact not only on yourself but on others. A disorder is chronic and if you have aspbergers or adhd you owe it not just to your son but to your self, your wife and the people you care about to do what needs to be done.


Both Aspbergers and ADHD make life much more challenging that the issues people generally deal with and for you it may feel normal, it's just how you are. Measure the impact to yourself, you say you've lost the last three job contracts and to me, that's a serious impact on a person's life. Are there other impact measurements you can make?


It's not the least bit convenient to lose jobs, be constantly misunderstood, have unmet social needs or to underestimate the challenges you face. In any other venture detecting and managing challenges that interfere with the end goal is considered reasonable. The venture called your life is no different, in fact it's critical. Self awareness is not mere naval gazing you have a lot of responsibilities and a life to enjoy, roadblocks on the way are inevitable and without self awareness you can be ambushed by many that are easily navigable with a little tweaking or addition to a stale repertoire of responses that aren't working.

Hope that helps.

ginniebean
10-24-09, 01:27 PM
Rhoellan,

I don't know you, but I would say don't give up hope.
For me, part of what got me to where I am today (a much better place mentally), was just accepting myself for what/who I am. I don't measure myself against the so-called normal folks anymore. I worked at recognizing my positive ADHD traits, whether anyone else can pick them out or not.

I also quit trying to insert myself into social groups and friendships where I really just did not fit.
I can't dismiss all relationships where I feel more of a square peg in a room of round holes, or else I would be pretty much totally alone except for when my daughter is with me.

But I try to get just what I really need from relationships and nothing more.
My former wife and I were never meant to be a good match except for bringing a beautiful human being into this world.
My new girlfriend will have to accept my quirkiness or move on to someone else.
I try to compromise along with her concessions, in order to share the responsibility of making our relationship work, but I am not going to sell myself short in order to make her as happy as I think I have to.

I wish you well in your own relationships... intimate and work... but please, first accept yourself and find those positive things about you!
It's said that we are our own worst critics... but critiquing isn't always supposed to be fraught with negative results.

I've got 11 years on you in age, and I only recently decided I would not spend the next half of my life doing to myself what I did the first half!
I do hope you can find a way to do that also... the sooner the better!
I can only imagine that this would be a positive thing for your son and the relationship you two have.

I don't generally like to respond to a post with "gee that's a damn good post! but.. gee this is a damn good post!

Thank you!

I can't help but feel we need more of this type of post here, the people on these forums struggle so hard trying to figure out the line between self acceptance and giving up. Reasonable advice like this is like water in the desert. I hope I can encourage you to make a seperate post to address self acceptance.