View Full Version : Ready to give up on life


DevilHanzo
05-22-04, 03:57 PM
I had just started going back to treatment for all my problems because I wanted to fix everything so that my ex-girlfriend would get back with me. They put me on resperidone temporarily, and will be starting me on lithium. Things were beginning to look hopeful, like my ex may get back with me (it's been about 1 1/2 weeks since she broke up with me). This morning I got the worst news, she slept with someone else. In that instant, I went from wanting to salvage what was left of my life, to wanting to be done with everyone and everything. I am barely able to control my rage. If I knew where the guy lived, 2 lives would be over. In the past I have cut a bunch of veins in my arms and got in a warm bath, drank pills like water, slit my throat, put a hose from my cars exhaust to the window. All failed obviously. I don't want to do anything too messy like shoot myself or jump off of something, because it disturbs me to see humans mutilated, and I wouldn't want others to see me like that.

I don't like the whole, "there's plenty of fish in the sea" thing. She is THE one for me, but clearly, I'm not the one for her. So my only choices are to just do what everyone says and go on and live the rest of my life in a living hell, or ending it (hopefully not ending up in a real hell :(). I know I will never be able to move on, and nobody will be able to convince me that I will be able to, I am not that type of person. I have been with a lot of girls before her, and never felt even a little bit of what I feel for her. She gives me the only real joy I have ever felt. Yet she brings me the most pain I have felt. She is the only true friends I have ever had, and the only person I like being around. I stopped hanging out with the few other friends I did have, because I didn't like the way I acted when I was with them. I didn't feel like I was my true self, unless I was with her. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't just go through the daily routines like this. I am such a lost soul. :cry:

Ace
05-22-04, 04:41 PM
Wow, DevilHanzo, it's been a long, long time since i read anything from anyone as depressed and upset as you seem to be. I think you are pretty much at the bottom, and have no place to go but up.
Have I got this right?
• The only girl you feel is for you has turned away and chosen somebody else.
• You don't have any life except trying to get back a girl who doesn't care for you any more. She cares for you so little that she lost no time finding somebody else.
• Only thing stopping you from becoming a murderer was not knowing the guy's address
• You have suicidal ideas, and know what you are talking about.

That's all very scary. But I think you might must be pretty much as far down as you are going to go, DevilHanzo. Maybe you need to re-read your message and see these things:
•You are in treatment, so you can contact a specific person who knows how bad it is with you.
• Although you can barely control your rage, you ARE controlling your rage.
• Even though you think about ending your own life violently, you understand that suicide is painful and messy, and you don't want to put others through the agony it would bring.
• You know what real joy felt like. You experienced it! Not everybody does. so you know you could feel it again with somebody else after a while.
• You recognize that you are in trouble, and you have motivation to use your intelligence and experience to climb out of your pit and go forward to a calmeer place.

We will be here to encourage you, but the path back is one you will find for yourself, with help and treatment, which many of us here are also getting. Good luck.

Lafnalot
05-26-04, 07:59 PM
Ace thank you for posting this and for posting so beautofully. I didnt receive any notice of a new post in my email. I should have been here and checked it manually.

Devil, you know inside what you have to do. No one is going to tell you theres plenty of other fish in the sea etc, since you chose your fish. I am not only worried about WHY you went back into treatment but the fact that it was also your trigger. We sometimes only choose health if we are going to make someone else happy. I am strongly suggesting you re-evaluate why youre in treatment, I know I had to do so. I am big on using the fact that my kids would keep me from truly harming myself, as I dont want to hurt them. But the reality is, there will come a day when they are no longer a good enough reason or I can talk myself through it. Thats not as romantic or pretty but its real. I have to get better for ME.

Rage is what we feel, self rage, self loathing, this 'why am I not good enough to make these people ( or this person) want me, or not hit me or say good things to me or be supportive etc '(pick one any one at any given time) The fact of the matter is no human is magical enough to make another or become what another wants. We can only be us, who ever that may be at the time. I am rage alot, I am self hatred alot, I am sometimes peaceful, sometimes, wise occasionally, often times bumbling and always human.

We often look to the medication to fix the issue and it is a great tool, but it is no magic bullet. There in lies the tough stuff, the emotional triggers, the emotional wounds and scars . I have to remember that the depression is a real thing, it whispers in my ears lies about me and my life. There are days I have to do the exact opposite of what it tells me to do. If it tells me lay in bed and dont shower for three days, or dont talk or communicate....i talk I eat i shower I get up , its exhausting, but Im becoming worth it slowly. I am finding out that I am the one person i have a guarrentee I will be with for ever and ever, I better like the company. Life happens, people pass away, husbands leave, children grow up and move, friends sometimes move away----but I will always be where ever I go.

I no longer have the 'right' to choose death since I have people who I have allowed to know me and love me. This doesnt mean I wont, it means I will be stealing from them if I do choose death. I refuse to lay at their feet that kind of guilt.

I hope you post again and allow us to know you more. I appreciate your honesty and depth, we need that kind of honesty to reach within ourselves and see who we are.

Jellybean
05-27-04, 01:49 AM
I was once there, desparetly trying to find a way to end it all.
What kept me around was the anguish I would cause others, my mother would maybe blame herself, my step kids. I thought about doing a jump of a cliff in a very isolated place whereas know one would probably find me. Then I hurt to imagin that they would never have closure. I think if it wasn't for my empathy, i'd be a goner.

One day you will be all the stronger because you survived such anguish. I am.

You are on the right track openly validating your pain.

On the forum you have comrads.

BeachBum
05-28-04, 11:27 AM
I am so sorry to hear you are in such a bad way DevilHanzo.

I know how hard it is to let go when you feel so much love for someone. Your girlfriend sounds like she is confused as to what she wants but sleeping with someone else won't help her figure out what it is she needs. I wish I had more inspiring words to help you, but one thing I do know for sure is that the Lord will get you through this. A few weeks ago my life was a mess, no job, I lost a good friend and just didn't feel life was worth living anymore. I prayed to God to get me through this mess and help me get my life back on track. A few days later, my friend came back and we are as close as ever and on top of that I got myself a good job. I was happy again and I owe it all to divine intervention. I felt the same way you did, that no one could convince me that life was worth living until I reached out to God who answered the call and showed me the way. I will say a prayer for you but in the meantime you have to be strong even when it seems impossible to muster up the strength. Easier said than done, but take it from someone who has been there very recently. Life is worth living.

Hold on,

Frank

waywardclam
05-28-04, 12:50 PM
Cheers and prayers to you, DevilHanzo. I cannot say it with the level of impact it needs to be said with so that is all I will add.

Lafnalot
05-30-04, 11:36 AM
Clam, I dont think Ive ever seen you post something that didnt have impact :) Frank good to see you againa nd glad to hear your finding some solace. Will be thinking about you all daily.

healthwiz
05-30-04, 12:39 PM
I have a few points. Most former posts have covered empathy, and I too understand and hope your pain subsides, so that you can live a more happy peaceful satisfied life. However, we all go through pain, and it can develop into growth if we choose to channel it in that direction. So you can turn this into a positive even through the painful negative.

Now, I would like to address your girl issue. There are people who are "the right one". That is something we all know when we meet them, they are terrific, perfect, etc. What we forget, is that there are more than one person out there who is right for us, so a little faith will help in knowing, there are more people who hit that "perfect" botton in us. In that knowledge, we can atleast console ourselves, that if this one is lost, there is more than a chance of finding another who "fits" beautifully for us.

Second, it is not clear that she is lost. Sex is physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual. The chances of her finding all 4 levels satisfied in any person she slept with would not be 100%, it would be less than 100%.

Third, a life has many layers. It must have meaning in many contexts; meaning within career, meaning within family, meaning within a relationship, meaning within friendships, meaning spiritually, etc. The more areas wherein your life develops meaning to yourself, the more you can withstand devestating letdowns. The cure, is to develop yourself in other areas, one or more. Work on yourself. Hunger and pain for her will subside as you find meaning in other areas. Furthermore, as you gain strength in multiple contexts of your life, your relatinships with others, including your loves, will become much stronger, the fabric harder to tear.

I understand these are not easy words to hear, that many times these things sound impossible when we are down. But they are they way up, and they are the way to sustained improvement in all areas of life. An improved life is what we all seek, more love, more friends, more happiness, more satisfaction.

Finally, if she is the #1, the ONE for you, as you say, she will be back, or she will be open to your proposals to do something about getting back together.

Finally, #2, control of rage is important to you, not just for yourself, and to protect yourself, not just to protect others from physical harm, but to protect yourself and your loved ones, from emotional harm. Rage produces the verbal abuse. The verbal abuse breaks down everything we wish to build positive around ourselves. Anger can be the source of longterm growth, but the optimal growth pattern is love, love as the source. Thus, if you were in the role of your love, outside yourself, standing next to yourself, speaking to yourself as a coach, how would love speak to you, what would love tell you to do in this situation, how would love suggest you manage this situation, speaking entirely from love. Love knows the answers, and love can guide you to the growth you seek, and maybe heal the rift between you and your #1. Love can help you heal yourself, if you talk to your own love as a friend and receive advise from your own love. Love is within each of us.

good luck with all of this, a journey, a very exciting journey you are on indeed; I'm excited for you while I am sorry for your pain, I also know when we hit bottom, the way up into the light can be a glorious exquisite wonderful experience if we choose to make it one of learning and wisdom and love. It takes time to heal the wounds of the heart, the wounds of the past, and learn from them, but we can come out such larger people when we do. This is something we are all in the process of at all times, believe it or not. For you it is the recent loss of a love, for another it is the distant loss of a parent, the loss of an education, many losses we all must endure and grow from, for another it is the longing to just once taste and feel falling in love, for another it is injustice of some nature, for another it is abuse of some kind as a child or as a spouse. We are all in a cycle of growth from these challenges in our lives. We must see that every challenge has many opportunities and thereby convert what looked to be a defeat at first sight into a truly human conquest.

I speak in spiritual terms many times, because at the soul's level, the soul understands these tests are part of our human course of growth. Each lesson is presented to us repeatedly until we finally learn the lesson's intent.

In the meantime, in the human realm, keep your optomism as well. It can't hurt to keep some positive activity going on. Juggling - literally - can help you relieve the tension and depression, and see we are not perfect, none of us, and help you concentrate and laugh at your mistakes.

Have a better week. Many people here are rooting for you in your journey, wherever it leads you.

Jonathan

Mary
06-15-04, 02:42 AM
I know there is nothing I can add to any of what's been said to make any difference. I just want to say that we are here for you. You have friends who'll listen. Even though we can't be there in person, we are here for you via this forum.

Please let us know how you are doing now? Have there been any new changes? Are you still seeking help?

Times like these is when my writing bug comes out... and I can write many things. Have you ever thought of writing all these feelings down? (just a thought)!

Take care and I hope you are finding peace within! :)

DevilHanzo
06-15-04, 01:25 PM
I am still going to a psychiatrist, and I have to have a bunch of psychological testing done. I wanted to hurry up and have it done soon, but they're making me wait until july 30. They suck, they really need to get some more employees if it's so backed up. They said it is VERY likely that I am autistic, and it totally makes sense. It makes me understand why I am the way I have been my whole life. I read up a lot about autism, and it sounds exactly like me.

There are people who are "the right one". That is something we all know when we meet them, they are terrific, perfect, etc. What we forget, is that there are more than one person out there who is right for us, so a little faith will help in knowing, there are more people who hit that "perfect" botton in us.
I'm sorry, but I do not agree with this statement. That may be true for the average person, but it isn't for me. She is the only person I have ever shared everything with, and the only person I ever would. I don't even tell good male friends anything about what goes on in my head. I am a very untrusting person (for good reasons), but I tell her everything.

I believe I am fairly good at controlling my rage. When I first wrote that, I was exaggerating, I wouldn't actually kill the guy. I would however smack him around a little while. I don't give in to the whole "guys are just being guys" garbage some people say. Guys use that as excuse for doing stupid things. He knew her and I were together for over 4 years. It's grounds for punishment IMO.

I am also kinda getting the feeling she's weirded out by me finding out the names to all my mental problems. I've always had them, but now that they have names like autism, and bi-polar, it's different. They're genetic, and could be passed down. I can't really blame her, why would she want to take the chance on having kids that would have it. Sucks for me. She hasn't said anything about it, but she must be thinking it.

I am supposed to go to a job interview today, and I really don't want to go. Jobs are hell with all of my mental issues, and now that I don't have my girl either, it makes it much worse. I want to just stay in my house, read books and not come out for a really long time, but then I'd have no money to eat, or buy books. I want to go to school, but I cannot work and go to school at the same time, my school work would never get done. When I have to work a 9-5 (or where i used to work and might go back to 6:30-5:15) I am no fun to be around. I never get used to the routine of working a normal job, I absolutely hate it, and am always in a bad mood. Maybe I should commit myself to a mental hospital. I was there once after a suicide attempt, but I didn't like it and I got out. It may be good for me though so I don't have to try and function in the real world until I have all of my mental issues sorted out. I still think of suicide a lot, and contemplate adding more to the scars all over my body running along the veins, but I promised myself I wouldn't cut myself anymore.
Sorry if I ramble a lot, and don't make sense, I don't pay attention to how stuff sounds, I just let my thoughts spew. Thanks everyone for all your replies.

gabriela
06-15-04, 03:30 PM
Originally posted by DevilHanzo
They said it is VERY likely that I am autistic, and it totally makes sense. It makes me understand why I am the way I have been my whole life. I read up a lot about autism, and it sounds exactly like me.


i "hope" you're thinking/reading about asperger syndrome when you refer to yourself as "autistic"!
:)
does *everything* you read about autism/asperger syndrome sound exactly like you?

i've been diagnosed with "adhd and add with asperger syndrome traits", and both before and after i was diagnosed, i read *a lot* about autism/asperger syndrome too (i guess you could say that i'm "lucky" that "my case" is such an "interesting" one, so *i* can "be" my own special interest!;-), and there are *a lot* of things that i can *totally* relate too, but also some things that i *don't* relate to...
:dizzy:
yeah, it really *sucks* that you have to wait so long to be diagnosed...
:sad: :mad:

DevilHanzo
06-15-04, 07:45 PM
The psychiatrist and the psychologist that she talked about me with, said I am very likely autistic or aspergers, and possibly have tourettes. Not EVERYthing sounds like me, but like 95%+ of the stuff I read sounded sooo much like myself. One of the things that first concerned the psychologist was when I said I rock in a chair constantly. It's not normal rocking, since I was around 1 1/2 I rocked back and forth vigorously in a rocking chair because it made me feel better, I would rock so much that I broke every rocking chair we ever had. So I resorted to rocking myself by bouncing my back against the back cushions on the couch. I have a rocking chair now, and I continue to do this to this day. I cannot stop. If I feel like crap, I want to rock in my chair, if I'm feeling good, I still want to rock in my chair. I get upset if I am unable to. This is just a sample of why I think I have it.