View Full Version : How many of you ADD women have conflicts w/ your husband about neatness?


Mac-distraction
05-22-04, 05:49 PM
I have been married almost 7 years and this has always been our biggest problem. Since my diagnosis 1 1/2 ago I have gotten so much better. Since starting meds 2 months ago I have gotten even better. I am able to keep our living room, kitchen and bathroom pretty much always clean and under control. However our bed room and the kids (6yo and 2yo) rooms still are often quite messy.

I feel like I have made SO much progress- but it is not really appreciated. Yes sometimes he compliments me, but more often he just complains. I am not talking about just one complaint I am talking about a lecture and cranky man that lasts and lasts. I have to hear things like, "How can we live this way?" "I can't believe you can just go so many days with out making the bed," "Since living with you my standards have just gone down and down" Today it was because we had HUGE dust bunnies under our bed. Before the whole house was such a pit he never would have noticed the huge dust bunnies. It is just so frustrating because I feel like it will never be good enough. I am never ever going to be able to be June Cleaver- but I am working so #$@* hard to keep it as good as it is and it is hardly appreciated. When I point this out he says that that is the way it should be and he shouldn't have to always compliment me.

I only work part time and he works full time so it makes sense I have more house reponsiblity-but I am just so sick of it. I am busting my butt for what? I still end up feeling so bad- I try not to let it affect how I feel about myself but it is so hard.


He just left and said he was sorry, but for once I didn't say thats OK right away- because it is not OK. Therefore he stormed off. I guess I get one chance to accept the apology or it is taken back!

Thanks for letting me get that off my back. I would love to hear other people's experiences.

Mac

krisp
05-22-04, 06:49 PM
I'll bet you'll get a lot of responses from this post. I actually came here tonight thinking I might post about the same thing. My DH works long hours and often travels, so the household tasks are mostly mine. I'm better at this sort of thing than I used to be .... but still, not that good. I've been really sick for the past week, and the house wound up extremely cluttered. Just keeping up with the urgent messes the kids create has been enough to wear me out.

My DH had an old friend coming into town this week. I knew they'd go out and have a few beers, but I didn't think anything of it. Until he made an offhand remark about giving his friend "The Tour". :eek: I had a very short time to do a half-***ed job on the entire house to minimize my embarrassment. The whole episode made me very anxious and cranky. Now that's it's over, I'm relieved. But I still wonder why keeping house is so incredibly difficult. (And actually, I wonder why he had to give his friend a tour of the whole house when he knew I'd been sick .... but that's probably just my poor social skills talking. :frog: )

Yes, the housekeeping thing has been a source of conflict here. He knows about the ADD, and tries to be as positive as possible, but I know it's not easy for him. If he were the housewife, this place would be immaculate. Too bad he's better at making money than I am!

emelliott_99
05-26-04, 05:44 PM
I do!! :o That's a big issue in our house. I leave stuff laying around...don't pick up my shoes..socks etc. He's a neatfreak..so that doesn't help! As long as I can remember, a messy room/house/desk has been a problem for me!

I have tried several things to help myself, one of them being FlyLady. That was really overwhelming for me. So back to square one...me running from room to room trying to clean and getting distracted by the next mess. sigh...

Any tips out there on keeping the house clean, without losing my mind??

Thanks!

lucy2
05-26-04, 06:39 PM
Doesn't everybody have HUGE dustbunnies under the bed??

Brianne
05-26-04, 06:55 PM
Well, I actually clean more than my fiance but I think its because I don't have much else to do currently other than plan my wedding so I do it to keep from being bored.....................but hes just as messy as me when I have more to do I hope I can keep this cleaning thing up later when I go back to college but who knows! My parents are like how come you didn't clean this much when you lived with us.....................I think maybe some of it is I am just excited about living somewhere new. I really hope it doesn't ware off! LOL You would think he'd be neater than me because he's in the military but noooooooooo LOL! Sometimes I wonder if he's not ADD too but who knows.

Keppig
05-26-04, 08:48 PM
Its a problem in my home too. For I'm a single mom with my friend as a roommate. He's a neat freak but will not clean after my teens, but because I average 50 hours a week at my job and he averages about 30 he's home more. My teens are ADD and are very messy. If they do the chores, its done very sloppily. My roommate won't even remind them of their chores to make things worse. He's not a parent but he won't be an adult either when it comes to them. Its stressful. Usually its left to me to do the cleaning when no one is around (Or I get distracted)

Nucking_Futs
05-27-04, 09:12 AM
I had this problem with my husband until one day I looked up at him and yelled "What your f'in arms broken?" and that's the beginning of what we refer to as the "change". No longer was I the easily pushed around wife but someone with a mind of her own and wouldn't take any of his BS any longer then needed.

I'm not saying pick a fight with your husband; but, it's hard taking care of two children, working, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry...need I go on? I know because I face the same thing's every single day.

Here is what I did. I made a list of everything that had to be done daily i.e. Kitchen...dishes, wipe counters and cupboards down, clean the table, floor and take out the trash. Weekly...Clean cupboards, counters, stove, frig, appliances, and scrub the trash can and floor. EAch room has their own list. I then figured out the hours I worked at my job and doing stuff like taking the kids to therapy, doctors, etc and how much time Doug worked and lawn mowing or snow removel...I then divided chores evenly so that we both worked the same amount of hours between work and the house. He actually agreed to it.

The kids have their own chores they have to complete. They are 10 and 8 so it's pretty set. I just leave desciptive notes of what they need to get done. The baby 5 months can hold his toys in his hand so at night I have already started helping learn to clean after himself by letting him pick his toy up and hold it over the toy box until he drops it then he's praised and given lots of kisses.

Good luck you not alone there is no definate answer except open communication between you and your husband.:o EEEKKK the thought I know everytime I think we need to have a sit down talk I cringe and my stomach starts hurting. lol:(

Flyfisher
05-28-04, 01:27 AM
Originally posted by krisp

Yes, the housekeeping thing has been a source of conflict here. He knows about the ADD, and tries to be as positive as possible, but I know it's not easy for him. If he were the housewife, this place would be immaculate. Too bad he's better at making money than I am!

That just describes my own situation much better than I ever could have. You just described us to a tee!!! It a two steps forward, one step back situation around here but is improving overall. Realizing that I tick differently than most has been one of the most helpful ways of improving my house keeping skills and gaining patience from my husband.

Slowpoke
05-28-04, 08:22 PM
I have a really quiet boyfriend, we've been together for almost 6 years (living together for 3 summers, and all the time since last August). He doesn't nag me that much, but I have made an effort to tell him that I need him to help me... one of the things was that it's hard for me to motivate myself to clean, but if he is cleaning then I will be more likely to do cleaning as well. We have had to work on planning cleaning times together, as he's used to doing his own thing.

By doing cleaning together, it makes me feel less responsible for the mess, and also keeps me from feeling 'lazy' if he is doing housework and I'm not.

As for keeping things tidy on a regular basis, I have found that setting
VERY FIRM **RULES**
helps a lot.

For example: NO dishes left in the sink unwashed.
couch and coffee table MUST be tidy for the next person.

I also have 'catch bins' that have things that I just put in there instead of putting them away. When they've been there a while, I go through them and clean them out.

I also on occaision choose a particular category of items in a particular area of a room to gather up: keep, toss, give away.

As for my partner noticing things, I realized that if things LOOK neater, he is a lot happier. I have a shelf in the TV cabinet that is just for all my books, binders and magazines. It is organized, but looks messy because there is so many different things and colours. I bought some material (plain grey colour) to cover the front of it... the difference is AMAZING! The room looks a lot neater and more serene. I also did the same to a 'milk crate bookshelf' in the bedroom, and covered my dresser (it's clear plastic) with a blanket and the room looks compeltely different!!

Knowing that a lot of ADDers are like me and have a million projects and interests, having shelves covered is a great way to help calm our own minds.

Perhaps having your own cabinet for stuff that can be put out of sight (have a door to close) will help with the neatness issue?
I have all my craft stuff in rubbermaid plastic bins under the bed... all the stuff is put into the bins, in their own bags, and they're out of sight. When I feel like working on something I take it out. When I'm done with working on it, I just toss it back in. It's worked great.
I was worried that I would 'forget' about what I have in process, but I find that I never really worked on it when it was in view anyway... so now when I find that I feel like working on something I can just go fishing in the boxes until I see something I want to work on some more.

I just realized that this went off tangent... sorry.

I find that being neater is synonymous with getting into the habit of getting rid of things I don't need anymore. I had a box full of stuff that I kept thinking of sending back to get repaired, giving to friends, or fixing myself... and I just donated it all to charity. It felt REALLLLY good to get rid of it! I also went through and took clothes that I don't wear because they're too big, or outdated, or need mending... and those are kept together. I'm going to get those out of the house soon as well.

I find that telling my boyfriend about what I did that day to keep the house clean helps him appreciate it more.

That's about it...
hope this helps some people out

Slowpoke
05-28-04, 08:35 PM
Hey, I just thought of something...
I Hope this doesn't offend anyone...
but who says that it's the WOMAN'S responsibility to keep the house clean?

What about having the WHOLE FAMILY take a 15minute cleaning time before the kids go to bed? With two kids, one parent can help each child clean up...
As for the bedroom being a mess...
it could be that the other (assuming it is a male because I havn't read anything to tell me otherwise) person is VISUALLY SENSITIVE to mess.

So maybe have a special blanket that the messier partner uses to put overtop a designated messy area (a box or surface).

If YOU are fine with a messy desk, then that's fine.. b/c it's YOUR work area. If it isn't possible to keep it out of sight from your partner, then consider covering it up.
If you share a workspace, have a drawer just for your things, so if he needs to use the desk and it's messy he can just put everything in that drawer. (It works with a shelf too).

Cleaning... I think that within reason, housework can be shared between a couple. My boyfriend and I both do dishes. I do them during the day (breakfast dishes and sometimes last night's dinner dishes) and he usually does them at night.
Vacuuming... well, we didn't have a vacuum until now (we've been living in student residence for 9 months... ewww.... but it just builds up slowly) so when I finally got one, I really really wanted to vacuum.
Now that we have it... we are going to clean floors more regularly, once a week or so.

I know for sure that not feeling like it's my sole responsiblity to keep the place clean is key to motivating me to keep it clean.

I try to get into the habit of cleaning little bits when I notice them... stains on the stovetop, bits of garbage lying about...

That's about it...
thanks for reading this all...

krisp
05-28-04, 09:33 PM
I agree that it shouldn't be just one person's responsibility. In our case, I wind up with most of the responsibility b/c DH is gone so much and the kids are so young. But I'm training the children, and DH helps out when he can. When we both worked "normal" schedules, the housework was a lot more evenly divided. I expect that my burden will lessen as the kids get older and don't need so much supervision to clean up their own messes. ;)

Nucking_Futs
05-28-04, 09:43 PM
That's true Krisp the younger you start the sooner they take over their own mess management. Dakota counts out ten toys and won't take another out unless he puts one back because he doesn't want to pick up more then ten toys at the end of the night *rolls eyes* laughs what ever works for him works for me.

And your absolutly right there is no rule that states it's a woman's job. I did all the housework while on bedrest or not working because Doug worked so hard. But, now that I'm back to work full time you better bet your sweet patootie he's doing his half of the work.

Flyfisher
05-28-04, 11:49 PM
Originally posted by Slowpoke

What about having the WHOLE FAMILY take a 15minute cleaning time before the kids go to bed? With two kids, one parent can help each child clean up...


That works wonders! We do that quite often when homework allows us to squeek it in and work at 15-30 minute intervals and it really helps. We crank up some tunes and pair up two kids per parent and have a fun time. The kids have their usual responsibilities regardless(make beds, clean bedrooms, lunches, etc.), even though the four of them are young.

My husband never feels it's the woman's job to keep the house clean, thank goodness. However, the fact is he works a TON of hours and I stay at home. He would have no trouble reversing the roles if it was the right decision financially since he would love to be home with our kids.

Tara
05-29-04, 01:56 AM
My husband is just as much of a slob as I am...lol

The difference with him is that when the house is a huge mess and one or both of us decided to clean he can clean it. His brain doesn't shut down like mine does when he sees a huge pile or sink full of dishes.

The mess in the house really doesn't bother him at all. It bothers me but I get to overwhelmed and frustrated with it and avoid cleaning.

I think one of my big problem is because I work out of the home I feel guilty asking him to clean up all the time. I have the feeling that I should have done it. He's never given me any reason to feel that way but I just do.

jaimegerise
05-29-04, 02:00 AM
Arg, please don't me started on this topic...I still haven't started on housework!!! :p

Mac-distraction
06-08-04, 12:42 AM
Everyone had such great ideas!!! When my husband and I were just living together and both working full time it just was not such a problem. However when our daughter was born we decided that I would stay home with her and that is when the fighting began. For a person who always could barely keep my stuff together having kids has been a huge adjustment when it came to housekeeping. For those of you who don't have kids just imagine how you would feel if you cleaned your living room and then moved on to the kitchen- by the time you finished the kitchen the living room every toy that you had just organized had been dumped on the floor- barbie shoes everywhere!!! Not easy for an ADD mama!

Spending 15 minutes all together as a family is really a great idea. We will def. try that one.

I consider myself uber feminist so my question does not have to do with thinking that only women have to do the cleaning- but I am a lot messier than my husband. My parents used to say that they could always tell where I had been in their house because I left a trail.... I guess I still do that to a certain degree- although I work really hard not to.

This last couple of weeks my hubby and I have been doing better. He seems to be more appreciative of what I do. Unfortunately he had a mom who did EVERYTHING so he doesn't really understand how much work it is. That could be a whole post by itself!

Thanks again all- keep the stories and tips coming!!!!

healthwiz
06-08-04, 11:39 AM
I found a nice way to get the house clean. I went to the computer and did a spreadsheet on exactly how many items are going to get dirty or be out of place in making dinner for 4 people, and eating it. This included counter tops, floors, serving dishes, plates, silverware, pots, etc. I came up with 100 just for dinner for 4. To get that number, I considered the actions it takes to put dishes in the dish washer, and to unload them and put them awy too. Then I told our family of 4 that after each dinner, we each have to clean or put away 25 items. We each run around counting to 25, and when we are done, the kitchen is pretty darn clean. Now, if we have not cleaned the kitchen from snacks, lunch, breakfast, then I say 50 items each, and the same process happens. You would be amazed how fast everything cleans up this way.

Since it worked in the kitchen, we have tried this in other rooms, starting with 10 items each for a very light maintanence clean up, 25 items each for a room that is starting to get cluttered, and 50 items each for a room that is a mess.

This is simple, and has solved a lot of problems with cleaning in our house. I am the husband, and my wife has a hard time keeping the house clean, and a hard time being assertive enough to get everyone else to clean. So I make the clean up announcements, every day.

After a week of good cleaning, I reward the children with nice allowances. We all feel much better about the house being clean, and about the simpl system we have come up with . My kids just turned 7 and 13.

So there it is, a systme that works, nothing fancy, just count and have a clean house. By the way, this works with folding laundry too.

Jon

healthwiz
06-08-04, 11:47 AM
One other thing I noticed, is that dusting and vacuuming are nice, but clutter is what really throws everyone off balance. Getting all the clutter put away with the counting system is really simple and fast. Then if someone wants to do some serious cleaning, like vacuuming, that is a good time to do it, after the clutter is away.

Another thing, I have sent the children to clean the bathrooms, each put away or clean up 25 items, and when we enter those bathrooms, they are looking very clean.

I think the problem with ADD and cleaning, is a matter of prioritization of cleaning tasks, not seeing the forest throuh the trees, so it is absolutely necessary to eliminate the clutter first.

When the clutter is gone, it is easier to see what is left to clean.

It works for me!

Jon

healthwiz
06-08-04, 11:48 AM
Now I wonder if I can apply this 25 system to my disk...hmmmm

Jon

MRB
06-09-04, 04:28 PM
Futs, Slow - you guys ROCK. What great suggestions.

I have a similar but different problem than it sounds like most of the rest of you guys have. My sweetie has overfocused ADD (and, I suspect, a touch of OCD), and we don't live together, but he does have a tendency to comment on the whirlwind state of my place (conversely, you could eat off his floors - he was a Navy guy - but he's always complaining about his career b/c he never takes all the brilliant management plans he got As on in school and takes them to work and presents them so he could get a raise. You do the math).

I'm going to take some of the scheduling/cleaning ideas from the board here, and in return, I'm going to offer something additional -- in the spirit of whoever said (I think it was Slow) that it is NOT just womens' work to clean the house, NEVER EVER EVER feel guilty about having help getting it clean.

When my scheduling system IS working, I have a separate part of the place that I straighten up at the end of each day (recycling taken out Sunday, clothes in the bedroom away on Monday, etc.) and then have someone in every other week on Saturday in the AM to deal w/the heavy cleaning (bathroom; stuff like that). What I haven't figured out is how to work with that schedule when I travel (gotta love that confusion springing from a combination NLD and type #2 ADD). But when I figure it out, I'll post again!

No guilt allowed, ladies! The hardest-working people I know are women with AD/HD.


P.S. Healthwiz, no disrespect. In fact, big props - I think your system rocks too. ;)

sla
06-10-04, 12:02 AM
Although I have a full time job my office is in my house so I feel more responsible for overseeing the household chores. I always felt so stressed out over the housework. As soon as I'd finished cleaning the bathrooms (for example) I was stressed out trying to figure out when I'd ever have time to dust the furniture, much less get the clutter out of the way so I could dust the furniture.

About 3 years ago we hired a professional housekeeper to come to the house every two weeks. She cleans the bathrooms, dusts the furniture, mops all the floors, vacuums, wipes the picture frames on the walls, etc. I'll usually ask her to do some little extra something each time she comes like dusting off the ceiling fan blades, sweep out the garage, or something like that. It's been great. Every two weeks I have a deadline I have to meet to get all the clutter picked up before the housekeeper gets here. Both my daughters know they have to get their rooms picked up before she comes and my husband has to get his things picked up too. If I'm particularly busy my husband will go ahead and do extra picking up for me to get ready for the housekeeper. It's really helped my stress level. If the dogs track in mud 5 days before the housekeeper comes I can have the comfort of knowing that the floors will get mopped within 5 days if I can't get to them before hand. My only regret is that I can't afford to have her here once a week!

Good luck finding a solution.

krisp
06-10-04, 08:16 AM
We used to have a housekeeper when I was working full-time. Now I'd need to bring in more $ to justify having one. ;) But it makes sense to me. If you have a job that needs doing, and it's outside your range of expertise, you call in a professional, right ...? ;) The unfortunate thing about housework is that it looks deceptively simple. We all know that really isn't the case.

I've been trying to do some serious cleaning this week. We have an old friend coming to visit, and I've been trying to spruce things up. I'm looking forward to seeing my friend, but am still stressing about the housework and how little I've gotten done. I'm enjoying my time at home with the kids, but this thing about being responsible for how the house looks .... who came up with that, anyway!? :nono: I'm ready to move into a cave, do a few quick mammoth paintings on the wall, and call it a day. ;)

FlakeyGirl
06-10-04, 10:52 AM
Twenty five things....I could handle ten at a time, maybe.

I guess you either have the time or the money. It could totally be worth the expense, figuring in the quality of life impact. I could be persuaded to give up all types of convenience foods if I knew I did not have to concern myself with household upkeep.

My dryer died 10 days ago:mad: I was going to call a repairperson that day, but the cheapskate said no, he'd have his company's electrical guy come look at it, don't pay for the service call. Meanwhile, we have got Mount Washmore over here and I am getting fed up. I was screaming at the kids for putting on clean clothes. I called the Sears guy and he said it is the motor, not a belt and it will cost $350 to fix it. The darn thing didn't cost that much new. It is ten years old, I guess it doesn't owe me a thing, figuring a load a day (conservatively). So it is off to the laundromat this weekend. Don't assume I will be alone, I told Mr. FG we have a date this Saturday.:D Also, I am surprising him with a new dryer for his birthday next week. ;)

Krisp, I certainly did not come up with that notion, so don't blame me. I already live in a cave, well a hellhole, anyway. I am sure your friend will understand why there are poptart wrappers between the sofa cushions. ps, your boys are big enough to start helping, imho. A three year old can match up socks and empty wastebaskets. Five year olds respond remarkably to baldfaced bribery. They work cheaper than most housekeepers, too.

healthwiz
06-10-04, 03:02 PM
Personally, I grew up with a housekeeper, and the dear woman, I still visit her whenever I go home I stop at her house with my children, just like visiting a grandma. However, having a house keeper, I did not learn anything about housekeeping for myself. I really prefer seeing my kids learn how to keep a house clean. I think it will help them immensely when they grow up, so they will have methods, and know the way to do it. I see my 7 yr old has improved so much, even though she still says she can't clean her room, she has done from seriously unable to do it, to being able to do 85% on her own without supervision. Thats a huge change. My older daughter, 13, has gone from bein unable to clean her room to being able to really clean it beautifully. These are skils, and I believe I am giving a child with ADD an advantage by forcing her to learn how to do these things. They are both getting very good at cleaning, and don't hate it like they used to. It does not hurt that I surpise them with money at the end of the week for all their hard work. I am using the surpise policy on that, as it is proven that in animal behavior training, animals work harder for "inconsistent potential" rewards than they do for "consistent gaurenteed" rewards. So they love getting a surprise. I do it wiht $1 bills so it looks like a lot if I give them 5 or 10 dollars, and I do it ceremoniously, announcing their names, and rolling the crisp $1 bills off one at a time, and counting out loud, and stating that they have earned a great reward and it is my great pleasure to give this reward, etc.... (yes , I am a ham!) . Well, it works and it is fun.

When this gets boring, I will find another technique. The last one was the paper slip system... I'll tellyou about it another day!

I'd also like to add this adds to the family cohesiveness. My wife feels better, less abused and used as a clean up appliance, when everyone is involved in cleaning. IT seems to have some ethical moral implications about fairness, pitching in, working as a team, expectations as partners, expectations in a marriage, epectations in a family. When kids grow up seeing mom do all the work, the kids expect the woman of the house to do all the work (when they grow up, that is the internal frame of reference voice they will be hearing). Well, I have daughters, so if I teach my little girls that the moms do all the work in a house, then when they are grown-up moms, and exhausted, I will have myself in part to blame for teaching them that lousy phoney and unfair belief system. It is also the mother's role to make sure the children understand mom's don't just do housework, that it is a shared oblication. Afterall, everyone uses the house, everyone gets it dirty, is it fair that only one person clean it? This is the correcting of a societal influence, that really has taught us that a woman's role is in cleaning. It's hard to break those influences. Many women simpy accept it and do allthe work, or some rebel passively, by simply not cleaning well. Few stand up and say a woman's job on earth is not cleaning your messes for you. That would be mutiny?

:)
Jon

Nucking_Futs
06-11-04, 09:05 AM
You may have a little trouble getting your other half to help you out. Get creative people. For example I used to run myself ragged trying to keep up with the house, kids and my job. Well, one day I snapped and told Doug he could either help or leave and his reply? "I clean at work" to which I smiled kindly and told him "Well, I change butts for a living" and let him have at both kids on antibiotics in diapers. By the end of the day I had him begging to let him help me clean house. Use what you know against them. *wink, wink*

cdo
06-14-04, 02:52 PM
I agree that ADHD makes for lousy housekeeping. But I'm more concerned about the way your husband speaks to you. Not all partners of ADHD people speak that way to their spouses. ADHD is frustrating, but that is not a valid reason to belittle his life partner, lover and equal.

I'm a lousy housekeeper as well, but my husband has never belittled me that way. However, he has criticized me in other ways and we ended up going to couples therapy. I highly recommend it (my husband wanted no part of it at first, but now he finds it really helpful too).

I wish you the best!

Nucking_Futs
06-16-04, 10:12 PM
If your speaking to me I don't think my husband has spoken to me out of turn in a long time the post was about when we first moved in together after only dating for a month I got pregnant so thing's were really tense at first. We did go to couple's therapy and it has helped tons. I think most our problem's came from the generation gap more than ADD. I was 19 and he was 31 when we moved in together, I had a lot of growing up to do and he had to learn to bend.

cdo
06-19-04, 02:30 PM
Hi, the message was meant to be a reply to "Mac" something or other -- who said her husband said you have brought my standards down lower and lower -- and something about how can she live with the bed unmade. She said she never feels good enough.

Sorry it went to you-- I guess I don't know how to post the reply correctly.

Andrew
06-19-04, 06:06 PM
Go to the specific post you want to respond to, and click the QUOTE button in that post. Then type in your response :)

Nucking_Futs
06-19-04, 06:19 PM
NOT a big deal cdo but I'm a little defensive of the big guy. We had a lot of issue's and your comment would have been appropriate about a year ago. The explanation was enough...Sorry did not have to be said.

Hugs

mom03
06-20-04, 01:33 AM
This post has been entertaining to read. My husband and I have been threw various issues about house cleaning.. I've totally gone back and forth.. maybe cause I'm also BP II.. We'll let it go and the house will be a wreck, then I'll freak and want to clean it all or just get overwhelmed by the mess.. but things are so much better now that I've been on meds. .. except that he just went threw suffering from PTSD and recovering for an auto accident.. so he had a lot of the ups and downs like I can.. What's happened in the past year is that I've been taking care of him and not having any time for myself. All you stay at home mom's need to have time home alone w/o anyone else there.. and w/o having to do work.. a couple of hours to have total control of your enviroment.. and working dads need that too..
Also.. my husband does his own laundry..

krisp
06-21-04, 11:52 AM
For a person who always could barely keep my stuff together having kids has been a huge adjustment when it came to housekeeping. For those of you who don't have kids just imagine how you would feel if you cleaned your living room and then moved on to the kitchen- by the time you finished the kitchen the living room every toy that you had just organized had been dumped on the floor- barbie shoes everywhere!!! Not easy for an ADD mama!

Substitute Legos, trains, and teeny assorted plastic toy fragments for the Barbie shoes, and you have my house. :rolleyes: I've been in a housekeeping slump recently, barely able to keep up with the messes the kids create, and this has not gone unnoticed. I've been thinking nostalgically (sp?) about my life growing up in a houseful of inattentive ADDers. We all just drifted around, and did chores whenever it occurred to us, and there were no linear thinkers there to get stressed out by our random approach to life. :D These "mixed marriages" (ADD/non-ADD) do require a lot more work and negotiation sometimes.

mom03
06-21-04, 12:43 PM
This all just gets worse or can magnaify. Mess - Stress - Anziety - Poor Memory - Confusion - Inability to handle stress - Lack of patience - No ability to relax - Episodes of Hypomania or Depression - Mistakes - More stress- Fighting - Screaming kids - Whiskey drinking - Shopping sprees - Credit card dept - 2nd Morgages


We need things like Meditation (go to your local book store or online and pick up a tape/cd) - Time alone - Sunshine - Space for mess - Space for neatness - Time for couples - Learn to breath - embrase being ADHD and I actually get a lot done doing 20 things at once.

Sounds like picking up toys all day after the kids isn't working.. especially if they are all over the house. I think mom's who do that need a new plan of attack. Make some adult space in the house... And if you are spending a lot of time picking up the same things over and over all week.. what's the harm is letting it sit there for a couple of days and skipping a couple of 'pickup' sessions.. Instead of spending an hour in the evening picking up toys go take a walk w/o the family..

mom03
06-21-04, 01:06 PM
So I just read the suggestion of picking up 25 things. I like that one, but I"d probably loose count. I do better with a time limit or just having a particular goal, in which I hardly meet. My suggestions are to have short time goals with a object task at the end of each. Like I'll pick up stuff for 40 min., then I'll make lunch. Or I'll gather all the dirty dishes around the house then smoke a cig, next go change the cat litter, followed by switching the laundry and then heading to the kitchen for a glass of juice and to stick the dishes in the washer... during all of that I've also water some potted plants and feed the cats a treat.. next I'll pick up trash, put away junk, start that new load of laundry I never got to before, put up the towels I folded, pick up more trash, wipe down the kitchen and start some mop water, while I grab the broom, but first I'm going to water the potted plants some more... Oops.. got to vacuum the sofas before I can sweep and mop.

WHile suffering for PTSD, my husband got to experience this and it just blew his mind.. from being focused to scattered brain within a couple of weeks it was really hard on him, but he is very sympathetic to my situation... He would windex 1/2 a mirror then run to the bed and make a 1/4 of it then pick up a couple of dishes before he'd be back to the mirror he was working on and back to the bed he was making..

Mac-distraction
06-21-04, 04:54 PM
After 6 weeks of Strattera I really think it is helping me with the house. I noticed a little bit of a change right away- but in the last week I think it is helping me even more. Last night I saw our two dogs riped apart a full kitchen bag of garbage in the back yard. It was about 7:00 and my first thought was I would save it for today. Then the strangest thing happened I found myself outside just taking 5 minutes and cleaning it up- totally painlessly. Otherwise I would have thought about it this morning and felt total dread. Thought about it in the afternoon felt dread not done anything. Until I finally got around to it after letting it make me totally anxious.

I could give lots of small examples like that. I remember when I first read about ADD one thing I was struck by was that Sari Solden described how ADD people just will do about anything to avoid doing things that made them bored. Somehow the medication really helps me with that.

cdo
06-23-04, 11:51 AM
Thanks for your note!

FlakeyGirl
06-23-04, 04:36 PM
I've been thinking nostalgically (sp?) about my life growing up in a houseful of inattentive ADDers. We all just drifted around, and did chores whenever it occurred to us, and there were no linear thinkers there to get stressed out by our random approach to life.

You could come stay with us for a while, krisp. You'd feel like you were back in the good 'ole days. You'd also feel like you were in the Amazon jungle, because I live in the armpit of the U.S.

We have an unspoken understanding that if you, yourself, are not willing to do a certain dreaded chore, you may not complain that it is not done.

krisp
06-23-04, 05:22 PM
Oooh, then I will come stay with you. I'm small ... you probably won't even notice me. :D

FlakeyGirl
06-23-04, 05:33 PM
Sure, anytime. Honestly, it was the "armpit of the U.S." part that really got you, wasn't it? ;)

Mac-distraction
06-23-04, 07:11 PM
Is there room for me??

I have never lived in a house with out linear thinkers? Sounds fun. Actually when I really think about it that is not true. The worst thing is that my husband is not that linear of a thinker- but he has always had someone to clean up his crap so he THINKS he is really linear...... However my dad is very very LINEAR so I know what linear is and my hubby is not it. At least a linear person can sometimes help creat an organized system...... Maybe that is just wishful thinking.

Anyways Flakeygirl I hope you don't mind if I bring my 2 kids too....... As I explained in a different post today I can do laundry since I seem to have that under control lately. However cooking everyday really bums me out anyone else want to do that?

moxee33
10-04-04, 06:11 AM
Hi Futs,

I know this post was ages ago, but since I want to find a therapist ASAP and one of our hot issues is neatness AND you thought the therapy helped...I thought I'd ask you:
Did your therapist specialize in ADD couples?
If yes, was that important to how effective the therapy was?
If no, did you think it made it less useful?
Was it a man or woman? Did either one of you think it make a difference?

Thanks in advance for answering my questionnaire ;)




I got pregnant so thing's were really tense at first. We did go to couple's therapy and it has helped tons. I think most our problem's came from the generation gap more than ADD. I was 19 and he was 31 when we moved in together, I had a lot of growing up to do and he had to learn to bend.

Debs
10-04-04, 07:21 AM
Growing up my bedroom was a pigsty. I mean really bad, my mother used to clean it then they gave up and just closed the door. To be honest after she cleaned it it looked the same to me as when it was messy- I just didn't seem to notice because I knew where everything was even in the mess.

When I got married the first time I lived in a HUGE house, 5 bathrooms -augh. I was so overwhelmed with just getting by (3 babies in 4 years) my house was beyond messy. My husband didn't love it but also didn't critisize me or care enough to do it himself - we didn't know I had ADD then. I look back at candid baby pictures and can't believe how messy it was, and am embarassed because we did have alot of people coming in and out. I did have a house cleaner for a few years and would find myself watching her and once I saw how she would tackle a room I was much more equipped to do it myself.

When I divorced him I bought myself a smaller more manageable home and it was the first time I had my own place (the kids live with me 4 days a week). I moved from my parents house to my husbands house so never lived on my own. I kept that house much neater but certaintly not what a clean person would say was neat.
I am now remarried to a neat freak!! My house is what I would call extremely neat but he gets bothered by things like the the messy closet at the bottom of the stairs. There is nothing in it that is his and there is no need to open it but still it bothers him. I would not consider getting up and not making my bed, it would hate to walk into my bedroom and see it unmaid so I am definetly getting better. He never saw how I used to live so he can't fathom how far I have come, but I still do like to pile things up. When the house is really clean he looks around and mentions how nice it looks (I have a woman come clean 4 hours once a week) and it does but I don't like it that way enough to bust my balls to have it look that way. I do have to say that it is nice that someone can just pop over and it always looks good, I don't have to run around throwing things into closets and under beds to make it look still less than presentable.

I do have to admit that I can wallow in mess much better when my kids are away, when they come home and there is activity and stress I do notice it more.

My husband does all the dishes, and I cook and do laundry. He and I have battled over the kids rooms - I think they should be able to be slightly messy and lived in he likes them clean - I recently won that battle but their rooms are on the second floor and it is just their bedrooms and bathroom so he doesn't have to look at it. Honestly the rest is done by the cleaning lady - I haven't cleaned a toilet or vacummed for years!! She even cleans out the litter box!! Man, typing this I am realizing how fortunate I am.......

Nucking_Futs
10-05-04, 06:50 AM
Hi Futs,

I know this post was ages ago, but since I want to find a therapist ASAP and one of our hot issues is neatness AND you thought the therapy helped...I thought I'd ask you:
Did your therapist specialize in ADD couples?
If yes, was that important to how effective the therapy was?
If no, did you think it made it less useful?
Was it a man or woman? Did either one of you think it make a difference?

Thanks in advance for answering my questionnaire ;)

Hi moxee,

It doesn't matter how old a post is if it applies to you and question's or concerns you may have about ADD then please post them we are more then happy to help you in any way we can.

Along with ADHD I also suffer from PTSD,OCD,depression so our therapist was not an ADD specialist but did have a lot of experiance with ADD issue's. And the therapist I'm referring to was our second (both therapist's were female), the first we just couldn't seem to click with as a couple she seemed to pick sides and what we felt we needed was for someone to help us work together since we both knew we had valid points in arguments (does that make sense?).

The sex of your therapist is generally unimportant. The important issue's are can you open up and be honest about yourself and your spouse with this person equally (meaning both you and your husband). Also, don't be shocked if the therapist ask's to see you and your husband alone at first.

Good luck,
Cherity

p.s. You could also seek the help of an ADD coach. My son's has worked wonders in his life and I've kinda been stealing idea's and hints given to my son and implementing them into my own life. And NEVER bite off more then you can chew. lol

Nucking_Futs
10-05-04, 06:56 AM
Yes Debs your very fortunate. Can you try reaching a compromise between you, hubby and the kids? I've also come a long way, now that I know how to clean my house I can't stand for it to be dirty. I start in a corner and work my way down and across the room in a zig zag line until it's finished (we're talking ceilings to the floor) But, I've been working on that aspect of my life since it was so hectic and really hard on me to relax so I've begun picking up the house and only deep cleaning one room a week it really helps my stress level. Anyways, back to the kids...my kids are allowed to keep their room any way they please as long as it's not a fire hazard and every other week they must change their sheets, clean their windows, vacuum, dust from top to bottom and everything must be in it's place. I honestly haven't hear them complain about the arrangement. After all life is about compromise.

hoosiergirl
10-07-04, 12:08 AM
This is the one area in my life of which I am the most ashamed. I am from a family of women who keep neat, clean homes and I cannot even keep my bathroom neat. It's so frustrating because I LOVE a neat, clean home and think it is sooo relaxing. I don't have the motivation or basic organization skills to be a good housekeeper. My husband works alot but he is pretty understanding of my shortfall in this area and is a good cleaning partner when he has time off....very good at motivating me and keeping me going....but i hate it that he has to practically hold my hand while we do housework..:(

......our house still looks like a tornado went through it...

Rae70
10-07-04, 01:51 AM
The longest time I left the washing on the clothes line was 3 weeks!!!!!!

bunnystar
10-07-04, 01:59 PM
Comments that I am a "little piggy" when there are a couple empty water bottles on the floor in my car which is other wise totally bare, complains that the house is a "pig sty" when our dishes from the night before are still on the table by the couches and some glasses, but it's the next morning.... he could have just as easily put them in the dish washer.... or angrily say, "we have no cloths...." (i do laundry pretty much constantly and especailly on the weekends) if his "favorites" have not yet been washed, and again, I think.... Couldn't you put a load of laundry on before you leave for work? You leave the house at 11:40am and you get up at 9:30, I have to be to work by 9:00/10:00 (with an hour commute) and I get up at 6/7 and almost always do a load while I'm getting ready....

I do not like it how I have assumed the role of house cleaner laundry washer when I am not a mother, I am not a housewife and never agreed to any of those roles. I work full-time. Every now and then he'll clean the house and do some laundry, then he acts like it's this huge deal, and gets really angry when it starts getting messy. I bust my *** and clean every week, deep cleaning, and laundry, and it is messed by that evening because of our fast pased life, I do not scold him or get mad at him. I pick up after him and it doesn't bother me or make me angry. But because he cleaned it, all of a sudden it's more important to keep clean when the rest of the time he messes it up with out a thought about it.

When he tells me I need to "pick up" and I try to remind him of how very hard I always work and clean the house, he says, "so do I!" and MEANS IT! It floors me, he cleans once about every 2 months, and I deep clean WEEKLY not to mention picking up during the week and all the laundry.

He does all of his hobbies and fun projects on the weekends, working on gadgets, coping DVD's and making compilation disks, trying out new ideas for the other businesses we do, he also gets a lot of important things done, maintainence on the vehicles and stuff, but he doesn't understand that I literally do not have the opportunity to have hobbies or projects like he does because while he is doing that I have to clean. I wouldn't mind it as bad if he would acknowleadge that all my free time is taken up by cleaning. He thinks I should be able to do it during the week and that the house should be totally clean for the weekend, but after working a full day at work, I am mentally stressed to the max (I work in a really hostile horrible work environment) and I don't want to go home and clean, my body aches from the tension and stress of the day, all I want to do is relax or exercise, I do not have the strength or motivation to deep clean the house during the week. I pick up all the time (which he does not notice 90% of the time). But I am always throwing stuff away and picking up little stuff as I can.

We live in a downstairs arpartment area in his Grandma's home, we moved to Utah in 2001 to help take care of Grandpa who was dyeing with Cancer and Granny still worked full time, so me and Granny worked full time and Michael became Grandpa's nurse (he also worked a business from our home). Grandpa died in November of 2002 but Granny is terrified of living alone (she pretty much threatened to kill herself if we leave...) She retired September of this year, and because she is severly depressed from both retireing and her husbands death (we're tried to get her help but she is to the point now where her depression has turned to extreme hatefullness, paranoia, manipulation and constant mind games and she is beyond help, all the good in her heart blackened and died a long time ago and all that is left is hate, contempt, and the desire to make others or see others unhappy too, it's truely sick and sad, but it is how it is) So she no longer cleans her apartment (the upstairs) we also share a kitchen with her, and although she gives me guilt trips about how lazy and worthless she is for not cleaning when I do, and gets mad at me for throwing things away, mad that I am another woman period, another woman cleaning her home period, I can not live in filth, so I have to clean the upstairs a lot too. Which my husband does notice that which is good. But still, it's a lot, I am not a maid, I am a wife and a friend and there are a lot of other things I would rather be doing than cleaning.

I wouldn't mind it so much if he didn't get on me all the time if it's not totally picked up and ready for company all the time, it's not possible to live that way unless I either worked less or got less sleep. And I will no deny myself relaxation and exercise. I need those things or else I would go insane.

I know what you mean, it isn't fair, and it's even harder when it comes to the whole house work issue being a woman because our society tends to make those "female" responsibilites regardless of the situation.

Salsa
10-13-04, 01:13 AM
I'm actually a very neat person. I like things to be VERY orderly. When things are disorderly. Organization is a biggee for me.

My first husband was just the opposite and it drove me bananas.

EchoHD
10-13-04, 01:24 PM
Im not neat or organized. When things get bad enough, I will do something about it. If my OM (or anyone else, for that matter) doesnt like it, they can do it themselves. I would do much better in a neat organized environment, but I dont live in one and never have. Had an ex that was so ******* neat that I nearly lost my mind. I would was dishes (back in the old days when I did that) and he would come along and rewash them because I didnt rinse them well enough. Needless to say, he didnt get the opportunity to do that very long.

f_wcomboadhd
10-13-04, 02:47 PM
so bunnystar, some things immediately struck me when i read your post:
1) although you don't 'mind' picking up behind your husband the majority of times its obvious that you are not expressing to him in a manner that is irrefutable that you do more cleaning.
i suggest keeping track of how many hours you spend doing stuff like that. if you can't keep track of that , how about jotting down the tasks you complete each day? like: took out garbage, picked up living room etc.
you can even map this out on a calendar. and the next time he blows up you can whip it out and say.....
oh yes,
you have cleaned...lets see..that was about a MONTH ago and i've been doing everything ever since.
i know some ppl would see this as reactionary or bitter or whatever but it is not.
its clear to me that in a LOT of households that women are automatically given the burden of 'housecleaner'
i have also read studies that have shown in the age of 2004 women even if working same amount of hrs outside of the home or more even! do considerably more hrs towards cleaning of the common household by far.

its very disturbing to me. especially since you are earning half of your income aren't you? you are working and trying to keep up with his mother...no need for you to feel guilty.
BUT it is your business to make it clear to him that things need to change and why and how.
if you aren't going to demand a 50/50 then beware of his future finger pointing and outbursts about the state of your household. thats all i can say about that!!

i have a wonderful husband (we have a 4yr old son) and he does his own laundry, my son's laundry, he cooks when i'm at school a few times a week during the evening. he takes my son to school in the morn. and picks him up usually. i have a 17 hr day from the time i wake through the time that i make it home (including my commute) i think this is only fair. plus i go to school.

now, with that said. he is not a neat freak necessarily but he does like things to be manageable and stress free. for years before i discovered i had adhd we would argue relentlessly about:
how i put the dishes in the dishwasher inefficiently (to which i responded to "i believe that you have been properly hounding me about the frequency of my dishwashing!!!! if you would like me to continue to pitch in on this -i think criticism of my method is not warranted or in your best interest. b/c if you insist on regulating my dishwashing method you can F.... OFF"
which ended that one.
i don't suggest the cussing (which i do when i get frustrated which is often which means i cuss a lot) necessarily..but you get the gist.
my biggest issue is clothing. i wash. i do not fold. i hate it. i used to say to him " i cannot understand that our primary 'issue' in our relationship is a pile of freaking clothes in our bedroom!!!! since when did love have to do w / that?"
are we going to break up b/c i dont' like FOLDING? geez...
so nowadays i just go w/ my flow. i don't like folding stuff. fine. i hang stuff. and i have baskets for the stuff i'm too lazy to deal with. as a matter of fact i got rid of my dresser completely....

if you need help cleaning ask for it. i have issues cleaning the bathrooms b/c i like them to be spotless but it could make me cry how long it takes me to do it to my taste..so my husband and i do it jointly. takes maybe 30 minutes tops and when we're done its gleaming and we can take a shower together....

thats the way i like to clean...
(plus your guy wont be so biatchy will he?)

bunnystar
10-13-04, 06:31 PM
f_wcomboadhd....
Bwaaaaaaahahhahahaha! You crack me up, you're a funny girl, I like your sense of humor and reasoning.
That is such a great idea! To wrote down all the things that I do during the day, I always try to tell him when we talk but I often forget or get tounge tied. I don't think it would upset him either, I think he would apprisiate that I am trying to help him understand. After all, I know that he doesn't do the things he does to be mean or unthoughtful, it's a lot of misunderstanding. It's not his fault he perceives things a certain way and reacts to it, if I am not pro-active in explaining myself or communicateing the situation then I have no right to complain and it just as much my fault. He isn't a mind reader, I think that is such a great idea. I have even thought about sending him some of things I have wrote here on this forum since I have a hard time expressing myself in verbal words.
And yes, I work full-time and bring in half the income (actually his new job since March, he gets paid a lot more than I do now.) But we both work full-time. He puts in a lot more hours when it comes to our other business ventures though so combined with his regular job, plus the side project/jobs he does work an awful lot. I do what I can to help with the other businesses but my talents/services are usually unuseable or else I would help out more. I am always asking what I can do to help, but what it comes down to is, a full-time job and keeping the house semi-decent is just about all that I can handle. I need a lot of play time, my husband doesn't require or desire the amount of play time that I do, so the presents problems to. But we're working on it. I am learning a lot of ideas and different ways of looking at things since I've been hanging out here at this forum, I think it's really going to improve things with my relationship and in general how I approach life.
WOW! A life changeing expierence right before you're eyes folks! lol

f_wcomboadhd
10-14-04, 08:47 AM
bunnystar:
i'm so glad that you are, despite the medication road blocks, feeling a sense of hope about your marital situation. things really do change w/ perspective. i swear i KNOW that non adhd partners do cope w/ a lot of our eccentric behavior etc...i accept blame for whatever it is that has caused daily life to be knocked off the rail..but there just comes a time when the 'normal' ppl need to step back and quit looking at our way of doing things as 'wrong' b/c they're discomfited by the method to our madness.
when my husband gets ****y b/c i constantly lose debit card reciepts-lets just say that i quit apologizing. you know why?
b/c we can either call or check our bank website to verify the exact amounts if the reciept is lost and its never a case where its life or death that we KNOW today that i bought exactly $20.50 of gas. is it? for him, its a matter of control. i'm not saying that he is a controlling person but rather when things aren't concrete it kind of freaks him out. as in: he feels like he's skating on thin ice when he doesn't know the EXACT amount in our bank account i feel.
i let my husband handle the money-not because i cannot handle it-but rather b/c its not a my biggest strength and its his baby so to speak. so yes. i LET him do everything w/ the money (i make more than he does-which will end whenever i have a baby next year and quit my job)

i'm just trying to say-things just need to be worked out btwn you and your husband. something has to give. i know you're super stressed b/c of your job, his misunderstanding you and your medication debacles...
but you can do a lot to help yourself...if you have a benefits plan, i definitely suggest you go forward with therapy. you'll feel a lot better. as for the meds thats a big hurdle. i took lexepro b/c my doc wanted to treat my deppression and that sucked it made me an absolute mummy..and then she switched me to paxil and that made me gain thirty pounds! you don't even have to so much as look at lettuce to gain weight on that stuff...so finally i am on wellbutrin (300mgs) + 20mgs of extended release adderall. works just fine.
i can see why you're having the anxiety issue. i have anxiety issues w/ or w/out the meds...and i find that any inkling of an emotion comes boiling up instead of being reserved. my doc says this is a side effect of the adderall..it brings things up to the surface (lability) example: any situation before i was on adderall that would make me want to cry..now i actually do cry.

anyway i ramble.
if there is anyway you can do it, you should consider hiring a maid service or something. perhaps you can give up one item or service that you do for beauty maintenance..consider it peace of mind b/c you'll have more space mentally to take care of yourself...

bunnystar
10-14-04, 03:48 PM
Good luck with having a baby next year! I hope everything goes well and you are able to quit your job and things go smoothly. I have a friend who is due in Feb and she wants to quit so she can be a stay at home mommy and enjoy it at least for a few years, or do a part time thing somewhere, but her job is the benefits, so things are so up in the air right now but I am hopeing that she gets to, I think that if that is doable, it would be a great opportunity.

I know what you mean about the receipt thing, my husband tends to get spicy if my car is messy, and I use to apologize and feel bad about it. But now I look at it like, it's such a trival aspect of life! Life is too short to spend the little time we do have together nit picking about something so silly! So because I believe that so much, I usually just agree and change the subject, it's not worth a fight, not worth our precious time! I am learning more and more to agree to disagree, even it's only with in myself, and not to take it personally, that he is a different person that I am but ultimately the only thing that matters is our love and the short time we have on the Earth together. Keeping that in mind makes life easier. I use to try so hard to get people to understand me, but I don't need people to understand me, I am at peace with myself, and if I can connect with people, if just for a moment, a conversation, that will do. The whole, seek to understand before you can be understood philosophy. But I also know that being we are in partnership, that it is my duty to help him understand me better, sometimes I am too laid back and accepting for my own good.

We looked into having a maid service come out (we have our garden/lawn/landscapeing done, thank god or it would be all dead/and or over grown) but there is no maid service in the city I live in! There are plenty in Salt Lake but when we called them they said they don't come to the city I live in, it's too far. And we only felt comfortable using a true bonded maid service so we're out of luck. I would hire someone but my husband is very untrusting and will not have a maid unless they are bonded. Blast. (someone should come open a maid service in my city! it would be a good nitch, we need one!!!)


I had a friend who got horribely depressed on paxcil and also gained a lot of weight as well. Thanks for the encouragement that there is a right combination out there and good to hear you've found one that works well for you.

RhapsodyInBlue
10-15-04, 09:06 AM
I have always been fairly neat. When we first married, Andrei was an utter slob. :D I put up with it for quite some time.

Then he started noticing that my desk looked better than his desk, and he would go clean up his desk.

I taught him how to cook......he's very good cook now:)

I taught him ways to organize himself to have more spare time....and now he is as organized as I am.

Weekends are our "organized-disorganized" times!

I did not nag or be nasty. I WAS devilish and playful. Even threatened to give everything left lying around at the end of the week to the Salvation Army!!! Hahahahahaha!!!

If he left TOOOOOO many things laying around, I kindly planted them on his desk where they melted in with the rest of his mess. :D He only has to see me pick up something he has left laying around and he grabs it and says "Oh no you don't.".

We worked through this, but to both our advantages. I am now more relaxed, and he is more organized. I think good communication was the key.

So, no...we have no huge problems in the neatness areas. Andrei has a lovely saying he taught me, "Clean enough to be hygenic, messy enough to be lived in, and a home". I like that:)

takemeaway
06-14-05, 12:51 PM
I just have a question-are you naturally neat meaning, if you see something out of place-something goes offin your head and then you fix it, or did you train yourself, and if so how-my problem is my habits are sloppy, if the kids leave pop cans lying around, potato chip papers etc...it doesn't bother me enough until we just can't even walk in the house-the proverbial obstacle course, how in the world do you make this work, I can't begin to train my children to do the right thing, ie throw it away when you are done with it-because I can't make myself see that it isn't right, I need shock therapy or something, how to train yourself to see that oh, that looks nice shiny and clean doesn't seem to work for me, just curious. thanks for your help.

meadd823
06-20-05, 12:02 AM
My ex-husband approached me the way the original poster discribbed her husband as doing okay what can I say he is NOW My EX.

Getting children to clean well they are all differernt, some messier than others!!! I had a "house check time" shortly after popular mess making times. Example my older two it was shortly after afternoon cartoons, which was 4:00pm. Before they could leave the house I would run through and spot check and make sure cups, chip sack and such were put where they belong. My step son was good at putting these things under the couch. It didn't take long before that became a place to check!!!!

My ex-husband was bad about putting his used q-tips on the dresser in the bed room. I asked and asked, finally I got tired of asking and started putting used q-tips in one of his socks, the trick is I quit putting clean socks in his drawer so he would have to put his foot in this sock some time!!!! He did!!!!

Another thing he did was he refused to put his cloths in the laundry hamper. Where the cloths came off his body is where they lay. I even took the lid off the hamper so he would no have to open it to put his cloths in it. Still he put them on the floor where ever. When I complained about tripping over them at night when I went to the bathroom, he relpied with well I leave the bathroom light on.

I have very poor vision so even with the light on in our bathroom I couldn't see his cloths. I would have learned to walk around them if he would have put them in the same place every day but he didn't. Besides asking a 30 some thing year old man to put cloths in a hamper is not too much to ask.

After a time I became tired of this sooo one night I again tripped over his cloths shoes ect for the last time so at 2:00am I had a bright idea. I put his shoes, cloths ect between his side of the bad and the bathroom. I made it where there was no way he could get to the rest room from his side of the bed without finding them. Then I unscrewed the bathroom light making his as blind as I was without my contact lenses!!!!! Short time later he found his cloths. He was mad he wanted to know if I was trying to kill him as he couldn't see with out the light. Well jerk I can't see with the light and I wanted him to be as blind as I was.

After that it only took one reminder for him to put cloths in hamper and shoes in closet, because he knew I would get up trip get mad and unscrew light so he couldn't see either.

Creative revenge!!!!! That worked for me in his case. My present partner and I go good together in the house work thing. I do most of it but he works more hours in our business. He complained once about laundary not being as important business soooo I put in more business hours and did 50% less laundry. I didn't do his laundary for about a week. He found having clean under things was very important to business!!!!!!

leilanistar
06-30-05, 01:02 PM
The difference with him is that when the house is a huge mess and one or both of us decided to clean he can clean it. His brain doesn't shut down like mine does when he sees a huge pile or sink full of dishes.

It bothers me but I get to overwhelmed and frustrated with it and avoid cleaning.

I am new here; my name is Star, but I can oh, so relate, Tara. Thank you for writing exactly what I feel.

Star

leilanistar
06-30-05, 01:05 PM
The difference with him is that when the house is a huge mess and one or both of us decided to clean he can clean it. His brain doesn't shut down like mine does when he sees a huge pile or sink full of dishes.

It bothers me but I get to overwhelmed and frustrated with it and avoid cleaning.

I am new here; my name is Star, but I can oh, so relate, Tara. Thank you for writing exactly what I feel. :)

Star

leilanistar
06-30-05, 01:07 PM
I don't know what I just did; sorry. It's my newbieness and ADD.

Star

leilanistar
06-30-05, 01:08 PM
The longest time I left the washing on the clothes line was 3 weeks!!!!!!
Now that is just cute! :p

Star

DaveHawk
07-03-05, 03:30 PM
Got to tell ya, I'm a SLOB ! but my wife and I came to an agrement I can have my corner of our bedroom to do with as I will and I will try to help around the house and put up with her BS and neetnick stuff. Well yesterday I wanted a pair of pants I realy like, that got a hole in the knee, to be made into shorts. I asked her if she would do that for me. She said, when do I have time, I said, OK I'll do it I can sow. Then she came down stairs and said, you clean that corner and I'll do the shorts. I just handed her the pants this afternoon.

nuffsed
11-14-05, 02:29 AM
Take a step back

Bachelor men have been known to live in filthy pads or dorms or frat houses and that is okay. But once they get married, they want their "money"s worth and then it becomes a control issue.

I worked at night with two toddlers and barely got 4 hours sleep before they woke up. I was tired and the house was very large. I would clean to the best of my ability and it still wasn't good enough. He would berate me for not "wiping down" the windowsills (???). Please note that our house had 27 windows.

I left him.

And never regretted it.

It cracks me up when I drop off the kids there that the house isn't clean and the windowsills are not wiped down. He works 6-2:30 and has no children to supervise but his house still isn't clean. I am such a good person that I refrain from pointing this out to him.

Ask yourself. Is it a genuine health issue or is it him just being an a**hole?

I maybe ADD but I'm not going to let someone walk all over me either. Tell him to clean it himself or live alone if its so freaking important.

nuffsed
11-14-05, 02:35 AM
One more thing...


Don't you just love it when men make a big deal out of washing the clothes with an automatic washer and dryer? I'd tell him, "well, its not like you are beating them on a rock down by the river."

Did I mention that I'm divorced?

meadd823
11-14-05, 06:45 AM
! but my wife and I came to an agrement I can have my corner of our bedroom to do with as I will and I will try to help around the house and put up with her BS and neetnick stuff.

Gary and I live in a similar arrangement. He has his "areas" but his areas take up more than one corner. He has half the living room to clutter as he wishes. I don't say any thing nor do I move his stuff unless the piles begin to fall over into the walk way and I am forced to climb over. Then I can get very creative with the placement of said stuff.

Half the bedroom is his, the coffee table is his pile /file spot. The dinning room table is mine. He can put what ever he wants in the yard with two limitations #1) I must be able to walk to my car safely and be able to drive it in and out without having to get out and move any thing or run it over (I can back a car out of an obstacle coarse) #2 He has to deal with the city code enforcement people (I have already got them trained to simply hand me their card if he isn't home).

We split the front room I wanted to use for guest but gave up after half a 1949 Ferguson tractor he was supposed to put together last year moved from the living room because it became to large for his couch.. The tractor was then joined by an exercise bike well 75% of one he is supposed to fix for his sister (should she live that long,) a tool box (one of those big three self metal ones) five partially used buckets of paint, a sand blaster, paint spray gun, most of a welder, and left over parts I haven't a clue of what they used to be.

Instead of fighting about the front room endlessly I simply asked him move his stuff over so I could store the vacuum cleaners, the mop bucket, clothes and several boxes full of ????? marked “packed in 1998”, (you know important necessary stuff I use all the time).

Gary isn't a slob; he is the King of clutter, a pack rat extraordinaire. He rinses his dishes after he eats, he lifts the toilet seat and even remembers to lower it (now if he would just teach that trick to his cousin who visits) Not only has he located the laundry hamper he actually uses it for dirty clothes.

I will admit I am not a neatnik but I do like to be able to move from room to room with out having to climb any thing. I believe my couch should be a place for me to sit me not to sit my stuff. I am real anal about my couch being cluttered.

Gary has a couch of his own on the other side of the living room. If he wants to sit on the floor so his brief case, car parts, and left over lawn mower pieces can have the sofa who am I to tell him where to sit!!!!!! This is his house he can sit where ever he wants.

By the way, I am not much of a control freak either can ya tell??????

nuffsed
12-12-05, 10:03 PM
I read a really cool quote today. It was in Woman's Day or Family Circle.

Don't know who said it but...

"No where in the marriage vows does it say, I promise to keep a clean house."

Makes me smile everytime I think about it.

meadd823
12-13-05, 11:53 AM
No where in the marriage vows does it say, I promise to keep a clean house."

It wasn't so bad when women stayed at home while the men went out and worked. Some where along the line women went to work outside the home but retained the responsibility of keeping the home.

If I am going to work and earn money like a man it sure don't hurt the man to clean like a woman.