View Full Version : Im going back possible trigger


Marspider
11-22-09, 06:51 AM
iI've been feeling so low about myself. I'm studying an Architecture degree, and working part time too. Work and Architecture dont really mix especially for someone whos time management disordered as myself.
I have dyspraxia/dysgraphia and ADHD and my planning and time management are really bad. I think they feed off each other.

The dyspraxia also means that Ive problems with drawing and I'm studying an architecture course involving lots of drawing. And cutting. And making models. ha ha. Ha. I didnt enter the course under false pretences, they said they would teach me to draw. Which mostly consists of exercises geared towards people who can draw already but want to improve and saying practice but they dont really help me. Im repeating the Studio course and have already failed my first project.
I can barely find any information on the net about adults and dyspraxia. I CANNOT find anything about dyspraxia and learning to draw. So Im sort of teaching myself. Theres help for people with dyslexia or even dyscalculia but what about dyspraxia?

I feel so out of control and Im getting really stressed.
Im also hitting 30, in a week (aaargh) and the ravages of not sleeping are showing up on my face. I've aged more in the past year than the whole entire 28 years. My ex boyfriend has found someone younger. Hes 37, she's 24. The same age I was when he met me and blinded me with all his presents and stuff. (Easier for him to manipulate I imagine). And Ive lied about my age because although people say age is just a number, men still run if they know you are close to 30.

My depression had eased though I did have a suicide attempt in the summer. I blame the stress and the medication I was on. My Body dysmorphia had eased and I could stare at myself and think I was actually kind of cute.
Now I dont know. Ive started avoiding mirrors again and telling myself Im a disgusting monster.
The one time I felt really under control was when I restricted my food, exercised like mad, started lying to people that I had already eaten and my weight fell to almost 50 kgs. Im normally 58-60 and I rarely fluctuate. I felt really good back then. I barely ate and and for once I felt totally in control. I had a very rigid schedule.
The worse I feel, then I punish myself by not eating. I have the bare minimum in my fridge not to arouse suspicion with my housemates. Im starting to feel antsy about running to the bathroom to purge.

livinginchaos
11-30-09, 05:31 AM
Marspider . ..

I'm concerned about you.
Do you have a therapist or an eating disorder clinic to go to?