View Full Version : I want...


sarey
12-18-09, 05:52 PM
I want to be the illest out there.
I define myself by my labels.
I don't know who I am. At all. Other than my labels. Or the f*ked up girl.

For as long as I can remember, I've had problems, MH problems, behavioral problems, emotional problems, and recently, medical problems... they are me...

I do not know me without problems. There is no "me". I don't know who I am, other than problems, labels, diagnosis's...
I am my problems.

Am I really that awful?
Can anyone else relate?
I feel so crap for this & would love to talk to someone who feels the same, or even a little bit the same, or just someone who can... well, help me with this, talk to me about it...
:confused::(

ADHDTigger
12-18-09, 08:28 PM
Sarey, I can really read the pain you are feeling in that post! You have spent so long BEING your diagnosis that you can't see the wonderful person you are WITH your diagnosis. I can't even begin to imagine how isolating that is for you and it fills me with tears.

I know fine well that you are more than a diagnosis.

But I understand how it all happens. First, you are objectified to a half a dozen letters of the alphabet and then those poor representations that are only supposed to help you understand yourself better BECOME you. The desire to be "iller" really sounds more like you screaming out for enough identity to cover you. The letters and diagnosis aren't enough to contain you.

Sweetie, you aren't awful. You are a wonderful loving person with a great deal to offer. You may not see that through the curtain of all the diagnosis and need, but I know that about you. I know that I am not the only one to see it too.

The fact that you are reaching out tells me much that is positive about you. Just like the precious picture with your hamster in your sig tells me much that is positive about you.

And I do understand but in a different way. My partner has cancer and suddenly people act weird around and about him. Like he will shatter into a million pieces if the world doesn't spin his way or something. He hates it. For me, it is being the "caregiver". A nurse said to me, "Oh, you must be the caregiver." He responded with, "No, she's my wife. You can't pay someone to put up with this crap." Nice to have the word of support but the fact remains that we have stopped being people and started being the roles we play- he as cancer patient, me as the person who cares for him. While not the same thing, it is similar. It feels like you have lost your humanity and become a thing.

I assure you, you are NOT a THING. You are a precious human being.

(((hugs)))

sarey
12-18-09, 09:27 PM
Gosh, thank you so much Tigger, I felt like crying a bit there.

I guess I've always had illnesses and disorders and my life has always been full of chaos and havoc, I'm not sure... who I am.

Is there a me inside?
I can't find her.
I just see disorder, disorder, illness, illness, chaos, havoc, my own little hell all inside me... but there is no heaven... if you see what I mean?
There is no "me"... no heaven inside... just a bunch of crud that fills me up & I feel like I'm drowning in it & can't get out of it... I've felt like this will always be me, this is who I am, forever, it'll never go away.

And since I've felt like that for so long now, if anyone says otherwise... about any of this... I don't believe a single word of it.
In fact... I sort of get defensive and try to tell them that this is me, there is nothing more to me than this, and that this is who I'll be until the day I die...

I feel so awful for wanting to be the illest, to compete with how many labels I have compared to others, to be the worst... but... I can't help it... it seems automatic of me to do it... :(

What is my existance in this world?
To make it hell for others too?
I don't know my place in this world... who am I?
If I'm just a girl with illnesses, disorders, chaos, havoc, what is my reason on this earth?
Do I belong here? Do I belong anywhere?
Who am I?
Do I even want to know?

What if beneath all of this... there really is an evil screw up, & it isn't just because of my illnesses and disorders? What if all of this... is truly me? What if it's all just...
*sighs*
This is hard to explain...

*breathes*

I'm also very sorry about your partner... that must be really hard for you. If you ever want to talk, just let me know and I'll listen. *cuddles*

Archon
12-18-09, 10:11 PM
Some people would say that people with low self esteem are very unsure of themselves, I disagree. People with low self esteem ARE very sure of themselves, it's just that they're sure that they're ****. That's why it's so hard to convince them otherwise.

Sarey if it helps, sometimes the emotional side of your brain overwhelms your rational logical side with these unassailable feelings that just feel so concrete it's hard to imagine they could be wrong. It's how I ended up in the psych ward earlier this year :P

You have to acknowledge these feelings aren't an accurate predictor of what is real. No matter how strongly you feel, you are not an evil person.

Another source of hope is that you're still young (as am I) so your brain isn't fully developed yet. I know that won't help you feel any less **** right now, but things will be different, you'll just have to stay strong until then.

sarey
12-18-09, 10:43 PM
Just because my brain isn't "fully developed" and I'm 17, does not mean my illnesses and disorders are any less real than someone who is 40 years old. I'm sick of people judging how bad things are and down playing and how "oh you have hope you're young".
I. HAVE. NO. HOPE.

URGH.

Archon
12-18-09, 11:16 PM
Just because my brain isn't "fully developed" and I'm 17, does not mean my illnesses and disorders are any less real than someone who is 40 years old.I agree with you.

I. HAVE. NO. HOPE.
I don't agree here.

Who was downplaying? I certainly wasn't. It doesn't really seem like you're arguing with me, it seems like you're arguing with ghosts.

sarey
12-18-09, 11:31 PM
You're down playing by saying my brain isn't fully developed & that oh it's obviously clear from that that this will be different because I'm still young.
Age, means, nothing.
I've been mentally unstable all my life, and I continue to be, and I will be for the rest of my life.
My illnesses and disorders are life long.
Age doesn't change that.

FrazzleDazzle
12-18-09, 11:33 PM
Sarey, a point to try to remember, or at least think that as you are older you will look on your years right now. Archon has a point...you are still young and developing, and actually, the things you write are part of just being a "normal" teenager. The things you write about not knowing who you are or your place in the world, who you really are inside, all teens feel, question, go through. Just that, you with lots of "un-normal" teen things going on, it's all compounded than most young people your age, which is unquestionably unfair.

But, this is the time of a young adult-to be, to sit and ponder and ask these things; that is how one figures it all out. It takes time....hang in there.

trishcan
12-18-09, 11:36 PM
You're down playing by saying my brain isn't fully developed & that oh it's obviously clear from that that this will be different because I'm still young.
Age, means, nothing.
I've been mentally unstable all my life, and I continue to be, and I will be for the rest of my life.
My illnesses and disorders are life long.
Age doesn't change that.

Age might not change your diagnosis, but it absolutely changes how you deal with it and how it manifests itself. At 17, I could have made the same post you're making now. At 24, I can barely remember what it was like to feel that way.

sarey
12-18-09, 11:38 PM
You know what?
AGE MEANS NOTHING!
I am not a "normal" teenager.
I am beyond my years.
I have been through ***** that you people can't even imagine.
The illnesses and disorders I have are not what a "normal" teenager goes through.
I don't know who I am BECAUSE I HAVE THESE ILLNESSES AND DISORDERS AND HAVE BEEN MENTALLY UNSTABLE ALL MY LIFE!
NOT BECAUSE I'M A FREAKING TEENAGER!
They are all life long and they are all severe.
I cannot believe how sterotypical you people are.
God, it p"sses me off.
Last time I come here again about anything personal.
I'd rather not have it down played and put down to me being a teenager. Jeez.

trishcan
12-18-09, 11:43 PM
I imagine you want someone to reply, but I don't know what else to say if not to offer hope. It seems really unproductive to agree that you're never going to feel any different than you do now.

Do you have a support system, aside from addforums? People that can really listen and be there for you? I hope you do. Nothing compares to the support of someone who just wants to listen and be there (and isn't getting paid to do so.)

sarey
12-18-09, 11:47 PM
I've seen CAMHS since I was 7, I've seen social services, I've seen multiple professionals since I was 7, they're crap.
I go on other forums but I either get banned from them or I don't like to post on them.
I have few close friends, and the ones I do have are not there right now.

I don't have hope. End off. I define myself as my illnesses and disorders. I am not questioning who I am because I'm freaking going into adulthood(DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT ONE, THAT IS A VERY PERSONAL SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR ME). I'm questioning if there is even anyone inside other than illnesses/disorders, I DEFINE myself by them. Don't see the relation in that and being a teenager.

FrazzleDazzle
12-18-09, 11:53 PM
Sarey, I did not say that I thought you were a "normal" teenager. I said that all teens your age question *many* of the same things you wrote in your posts, and that is what is normal. I was trying to validate that the additional issues you have are by no means normal and my heart goes out to you...I have a son your age that is not "normal" either, and my mom's heart bleeds for him as he is going through this same process with so many more issues than his peers.

By questioning these kinds of things, we *all* figure it out in time, as will you. We all have blessings and crap we have to deal with and come to terms with. This process you are going through right now will not change your issues, just your outlook on them.

sarey
12-18-09, 11:54 PM
Whatever. I have said, over and over, that this is it, okay? I have always and will always define myself by my illnesses and disorders. END OFF. Jeez.

FrazzleDazzle
12-18-09, 11:55 PM
Okay then, pardon me.

sarey
12-18-09, 11:56 PM
Yes, "OKAY THEN".
I'll be glad when this thread is deleted.
Caused me more damn distress than not.

Archon
12-19-09, 12:04 AM
You know what?
AGE MEANS NOTHING!
I am not a "normal" teenager.
At the risk of repeating myself, I agree.

I am beyond my years.
I have been through ***** that you people can't even imagine.
The illnesses and disorders I have are not what a "normal" teenager goes through.Again I agree.

I don't know who I am BECAUSE I HAVE THESE ILLNESSES AND DISORDERS AND HAVE BEEN MENTALLY UNSTABLE ALL MY LIFE!
NOT BECAUSE I'M A FREAKING TEENAGER!It's not likely a combination of both? Admittedly the disorders make it infinitely more complex.

They are all life long and they are all severe.I have no doubt they are serious (although you can't know if they're life-long until the end of your life).

I cannot believe how sterotypical you people are.
God, it p"sses me off.
Last time I come here again about anything personal.
I'd rather not have it down played and put down to me being a teenager. Jeez.I'll say it again, I have no doubt that what you're feeling terribly. None at all, I'm not even going to contest it, I take your word. I'm not going to say that this is just a phase you're going through.


This is not an attack, this is not me minimising your problems, this is not me trivialising your problems.

What I'm saying is that things do change, regardless of what your feelings might be saying. Two months ago I was literally a completely different person with completely different thought processes, now it seems mad to me that I ever could have thought that way. I certainly wouldn't have predicted this turnaround.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter.

sarey
12-19-09, 12:06 AM
When I was 8, I tried to hang myself.

Since then, I've tried to kill myself more than 30 times.

I've tried recently too.

NOTHING CHANGES.
I am my illnesses, my disorders, end off.

Being a teenager, yeah makes it harder, especially when people are sterotypical and insensitive and blow it off as it all down to being a f*kin teenager.

Archon
12-19-09, 12:13 AM
When I was 8, I tried to hang myself.
Which suggests that this is an issue clearly.

Being a teenager, yeah makes it harder, especially when people are sterotypical and insensitive and blow it off as it all down to being a f*kin teenager.
That must be frustrating. I'm not doing that.

Things do change though, maybe they will for you in time, maybe not. I guess it's a waiting game until then eh?

musicpainter
12-19-09, 12:18 AM
I define myself as my illnesses and disorders. I am not questioning who I am because I'm freaking going into adulthood(DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT ONE, THAT IS A VERY PERSONAL SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR ME). I'm questioning if there is even anyone inside other than illnesses/disorders, I DEFINE myself by them. Don't see the relation in that and being a teenager.

First, I do understand where you're coming from. I am 23 and still there. I also didn't have a "normal" teenage life. There was always something bigger going on than my friends who were worrying about what to wear to the mall that weekend.

I hope it can bring you some relief to know that (a) I do understand what you mean and (b) you are not alone. My issues were chronic pain (from 17 until now...sorta, the jury's still out as to whether half of it is fixed permanently or just temporarily) and depression (since I was 14 or 15 and I know it's going to be around for quite some time in my life).

I always labeled and related to that chronic illness/disease/disorder part of my life. It was who I was. I was the one going to the doctor every week. I was the one constantly waiting for test results. I was the one in therapy. I was the one worrying about insurance, and I was the one wondering if this is what/who I was going to be forever.

I wish I had an answer as to who I really am besides that. That was my life for SO many years. That's what I knew. In a somewhat unorthodox way of thinking, that's what I was comfortable with because it was all I knew. I didn't have the time that everyone else had to grow as a person with no worries. It just never happened.

I've had some success with temporary to possibly permanent pain relief and that threw me for a loop very recently. I still struggle with it. That's what I know myself as. And it's like that part of me died. It's a difficult place to be and not a lot of people understand.

I'm in no way trying to downplay what you're going through and what you have gone through. I know I've had it harder than most people and I know other people have it harder than I have. I don't think many people truly understand what it's like until they've gone through it themselves. It's a lot easier to say you'll grow out of the "who am I" questioning if you've never really struggled with it other than being a typical angsty 15-18 year old.

I also know what you mean when you say the support out there is lacking. The only kinds of support groups I could find for chronic pain were through cancer centers. While the concept of pain may be similar, the emotions and such are very different. It's hard being young and going through something because there's not a lot of support out there. Sure there are forums but some of them are just bad.

I am not going to tell you that it gets better because I don't know. It hasn't for me. I still struggle every day with who I really am. I think I always will. Partially because my pain issues will never be fully resolved. Half, yes. But the other half is anyone's guess.

I know my example and comparison is probably not a good one, but I just wanted to let you know that I do understand. I may not have expressed that very well but I honestly do. I've had people tell me it was all in my head. I've had many people distance themselves from me because either they didn't understand what was going on and took it the wrong way, or because I just shut them out full stop after they said something about my credibility and believability.

If you ever need someone to talk to I'm around. You can PM me. Because while some of my problems are gone (and I know yours aren't and that they are something you'll live with forever) I still do very much understand what you're feeling. I have asked myself those same questions. It's not a matter of self esteem, it's not a question of age. It's something so much bigger and deeper than that. And I sincerely hope it helps you to know there's other people dealing with the same inner struggle, because as I said, I struggle with it every single day. And I honestly don't know what the answer is, or if I ever will.

sarey
12-19-09, 12:18 AM
I don't want them to change either.
This is all I've ever known.
At the same time, I don't want to be stuck in this hell anymore.
But it's me.
It's always been who I am.
Can't change.

sarey
12-19-09, 12:20 AM
First, I do understand where you're coming from. I am 23 and still there. I also didn't have a "normal" teenage life. There was always something bigger going on than my friends who were worrying about what to wear to the mall that weekend.

I hope it can bring you some relief to know that (a) I do understand what you mean and (b) you are not alone. My issues were chronic pain (from 17 until now...sorta, the jury's still out as to whether half of it is fixed permanently or just temporarily) and depression (since I was 14 or 15 and I know it's going to be around for quite some time in my life).

I always labeled and related to that chronic illness/disease/disorder part of my life. It was who I was. I was the one going to the doctor every week. I was the one constantly waiting for test results. I was the one in therapy. I was the one worrying about insurance, and I was the one wondering if this is what/who I was going to be forever.

I wish I had an answer as to who I really am besides that. That was my life for SO many years. That's what I knew. In a somewhat unorthodox way of thinking, that's what I was comfortable with because it was all I knew. I didn't have the time that everyone else had to grow as a person with no worries. It just never happened.

I've had some success with temporary to possibly permanent pain relief and that threw me for a loop very recently. I still struggle with it. That's what I know myself as. And it's like that part of me died. It's a difficult place to be and not a lot of people understand.

I'm in no way trying to downplay what you're going through and what you have gone through. I know I've had it harder than most people and I know other people have it harder than I have. I don't think many people truly understand what it's like until they've gone through it themselves. It's a lot easier to say you'll grow out of the "who am I" questioning if you've never really struggled with it other than being a typical angsty 15-18 year old.

I also know what you mean when you say the support out there is lacking. The only kinds of support groups I could find for chronic pain were through cancer centers. While the concept of pain may be similar, the emotions and such are very different. It's hard being young and going through something because there's not a lot of support out there. Sure there are forums but some of them are just bad.

I am not going to tell you that it gets better because I don't know. It hasn't for me. I still struggle every day with who I really am. I think I always will. Partially because my pain issues will never be fully resolved. Half, yes. But the other half is anyone's guess.

I know my example and comparison is probably not a good one, but I just wanted to let you know that I do understand. I may not have expressed that very well but I honestly do. I've had people tell me it was all in my head. I've had many people distance themselves from me because either they didn't understand what was going on and took it the wrong way, or because I just shut them out full stop after they said something about my credibility and believability.

If you ever need someone to talk to I'm around. You can PM me. Because while some of my problems are gone (and I know yours aren't and that they are something you'll live with forever) I still do very much understand what you're feeling. I have asked myself those same questions. It's not a matter of self esteem, it's not a question of age. It's something so much bigger and deeper than that. And I sincerely hope it helps you to know there's other people dealing with the same inner struggle, because as I said, I struggle with it every single day. And I honestly don't know what the answer is, or if I ever will.

Thanks for that.

musicpainter
12-19-09, 12:30 AM
You're welcome.

ADHDTigger
12-19-09, 11:28 AM
Angel- I know this is so immeasurably hard on you. I also know that there is something so fundamentally good in this discussion. I know that your strength and your bravery in bringing this forward will help so many. I pray for strength for you- however you may receive it.

Gosh, thank you so much Tigger, I felt like crying a bit there.

Sarey, I hope you know that I care- really CARE- about you. I wish that it were possible to reach out to you more materially. You talk about things I felt at your age and learned to suppress- at the cost of me as a person. I read your feelings and your determination to be heard and understood and wish that I had that thirty years ago. I love your passion. I love your determination to be heard.

I guess I've always had illnesses and disorders and my life has always been full of chaos and havoc, I'm not sure... who I am.

I can relate. I have four sisters that never allowed me to forget that the only reason that anyone gave a d@mn about me was because I was "sick". That has resulted in some self destructive behaviors.

Is there a me inside?
I can't find her.
I just see disorder, disorder, illness, illness, chaos, havoc, my own little hell all inside me... but there is no heaven... if you see what I mean?

The YOU inside is there and screaming for someone to see her. I see her. You are not illness or disorder. You are a brave and wonderful person.

There is no "me"... no heaven inside... just a bunch of crud that fills me up & I feel like I'm drowning in it & can't get out of it... I've felt like this will always be me, this is who I am, forever, it'll never go away.

You sound so much like me... and that was over 30 years ago. But I felt that way again just yesterday and then again this morning. I wish for peace and my belief in God helps. But it doesn't always stop the rain of tears.

And since I've felt like that for so long now, if anyone says otherwise... about any of this... I don't believe a single word of it.
In fact... I sort of get defensive and try to tell them that this is me, there is nothing more to me than this, and that this is who I'll be until the day I die...

I get that.

I recall hearing my mother telling my father that they would have to have me put away- in an institution for mentally incapable people. I recall hearing her cry- hearing her pain that she had produced a deficit child. All I knew as a child was that I had a lot to make up for. I still carry those scars.

At every failure as an adult, I hear those voices. I am terrified every time something happens with my partner- all I can think is "What if I screw up??? What kind of loser am I if I fail in this???"

I feel so awful for wanting to be the illest, to compete with how many labels I have compared to others, to be the worst... but... I can't help it... it seems automatic of me to do it... :(

You want an identity, sweetie. You just want to be validated as a PERSON in the world. You feel alien and- given all you have to manage- that shouldn't be unusual in the slightest. You DESERVE to be a person and to have your personhood acknowledged. If you aren't a person, the disorder would have no place.

What is my existance in this world?
To make it hell for others too?
I don't know my place in this world... who am I?
If I'm just a girl with illnesses, disorders, chaos, havoc, what is my reason on this earth?
Do I belong here? Do I belong anywhere?
Who am I?
Do I even want to know?

If nothing else, your reason is for me to love you. To love you with your needs and your perceived faults. To love you simply because of your selfhood.

Your illness doesn't define you. You are precious in your own right.

What if beneath all of this... there really is an evil screw up, & it isn't just because of my illnesses and disorders? What if all of this... is truly me? What if it's all just...
*sighs*
This is hard to explain...

YOU ARE NOT EVIL!!!!!!!!!! You are mowed under by a ton of labels and pain from the things that you are dealing with that overwhelm you. The intrinsic YOU is a GOOD PERSON. The LABLES are evil and wrong.

*breathes*

Me too. Time for a hug (((hug)))


I'm also very sorry about your partner... that must be really hard for you. If you ever want to talk, just let me know and I'll listen. *cuddles*

Sweetie, that helps me more than I can say. Your loving reach out to me warms my heart. It is very hard for me to say that I need help. It is through things like the unselfish openness that you offer here that gets me through. There are simply no words to tell you how much I appreciate that.

Sarey, I believe that I have said this before- If I had ever had a daughter, she would be you. i care, and care deeply, about you.

(((hugs)))

sarey
12-19-09, 03:57 PM
Thank you so much Tigger...

Andi
12-19-09, 09:02 PM
Sarey, I will say that yes, for a long time I felt that the labels that were pinned on my chest defined who I am. I am my labels.

As a kid I had no idea why the stuff happened or exactly what was wrong with me but I always knew that I was different and every time I turned around I was seeing another doc for another issue and received yet another label.

For years I plugged along living life typically disengaged from those around me because I felt I had nothing to give and despite all the trips and attempts to find a solution, nothing was being fixed and the labels just didn't seem to "fit." Often people would lovingly say to me that I was always sick or there was always something wrong with me even though I continued to trudge on despite all of the obstacles.

It was just six years ago that the rug was pulled out from under me and all my labels and issues caved in. As I have rebuilt, I have gone through so many stages and emotions. During that time, I've been lower than dog crap, angry, resentful, drowning in self pity and dreading every visit to the doctor. There is no doubt that I have been the poster child for Murphy's Law.

What has changed? Somewhere along the way I discovered that sure, I have many labels on my chest but they don't necessarily "define" who I am but they are a part of me and OMG I am learning who I am and I know a little better HOW to "deal" with the crap that comes my way. My labels no longer control who I am, they do not define me but they have made me stronger, more compassionate, loving, hopeful. I'm more willing to feel things and share my feelings without anger (trust me, no one wanted to deal with me when I was ticked).

Did age have anything to do with it? Teenager vs adult? I have seen many individuals that have not matched their chronological age. "They're mature for their age." "Gawd, will they ever act their age?" Although maturity can help, in my eyes it is more about experience and the ability to process those experiences. The more hoops you jump through, the easier the next hoop can be. The key to life for me is learning from each jump and being able to improve the process.

Sweetie, you are more than a label and as you continue to figure out what they mean, the more you'll understand who you are. Keep jumping :)

sarey
12-19-09, 09:28 PM
Thanks Andi.

I'm glad you are finding yourself, but, I have no hope that I ever will.
I'll die defined by them. There is nothing more to me than my labels... I'm not even sure I have a heart, or a soul.
I know I probably sound so pathetic and stupid and really putting a downer on this thread, but that's how I feel.

Infinity
12-21-09, 09:03 PM
.

I guess I've always had illnesses and disorders and my life has always been full of chaos and havoc, I'm not sure... who I am.




For me I began my journey trying to find a way to heal myself . I did find some recovery in one area fought for it with everything i had inside and still do. I didn't know I would be labeled by professionals and thier opinion of me was that I would never change.

That a therapist would actually make a commnet about me as being .hopefully optomistic about my being able to ."Change " I guess.


I managed to put peoke around me who thought poorly of me and would set me up to behave in a way they saw me.


I belive I have found my true diagnosis and thats why I still struggle with certain areas of my life.

The word over whelmed comes to mind when I read what you have posted. Thinking about too many things at once and they all build in the mind and heart. They al come rushing or crashing in.and they are usually all negative . The positive gets shoved away. The negative carries alot of power if I let it linger too long.

You may not l like any of what I have shared But Il share it any way.

What would happen if you decided to take a breack from all therapists ?
from all your problems ,

can't from the physical ones , obviously,

but from all the lables and theraputic problems .

Divorse them all.

see what happens.


I hope you get all that you want and wish for Sarey.

My best to you .


Infinity~

Crazygirl79
12-21-09, 11:23 PM
This almost brought me to tears, it reminds me of how I was as a teenager. I have a very colourful medical history and one of the thickest paediatric hospital files you can imagine, I was one of these kids who was given label after label after label. For as long as I can remember I was not only defined by my labels by others but I also begin to define myself as a label as well, I've always seen myself as an alien, a failure and a total freak (I even dedicated the song Freak by Australian band Silverchair to myself because I related so well to it at the time) what intensified these feelings was that I had to hide the fact I spent 2 years in a home for children with various disabilities because most of my friends at school never lived in a place like and would never understand the feelings associated with that therefore making me feel more like something straight out of a circus freak show. I too was always reminded of how ABNORMAL I was growing up when I heard things like 'Selena's not normal' or occasionally hearing people ask my mother 'What's wrong with your daughter?' and lets not forget those charming nicknames like fruitloop, mental case, dopey, stupid, nutcase, crazy, mad, weird and the list goes on and on. Sarey what you're feeling in regards to your diagnostic labels is totally normal and you are definitely NOT alone, to define yourself through your label is normal especially when thats all you've and coming from a dysfunctional (as indicated in your other thread 'Rant Rant Rant') certainly would not have helped your situation. From what I can see you come across as articulate and highly intelligent and I also believe you are a nice person with a lot to offer, you are a person not a label! As far as I'm concerned labels on people be very damaging and should only be stuck on jars of jam so to speak. Please know that myself and others on here are trying to help and do understand your pain more than you know! As you mature things will always and that includes how you define yourself.

stef
12-22-09, 04:46 AM
Sarey,
you HAVE problems and illnesses and have been through hell & back, and it has nothing to do with age. you ARE creative, affectionate, artistic, and passionate.

sarey
12-22-09, 09:03 PM
Thank you, I appreciate the end sentance... I really like being creative, it's a place I can go to let myself be expressed in ways I can't elsewhere. I don't think I'm affectionate, I think I'm a very heartless, uncaring girl. I will also agree on being artistic, but I have lost that "spark" since falling ill(last December- medically). & Passionate? Depends on what it is I'm passionate about... but I'm stubborn, that's for sure... so that will come in handy for good things in life, I'm sure.

sarey
12-22-09, 09:11 PM
What would happen if you decided to take a breack from all therapists ?
from all your problems ,

can't from the physical ones , obviously,

but from all the lables and theraputic problems .

Divorse them all.



I have actually... I've only recently been back in touch with them, & before that, I hadn't seen them for a few months, and before that, about a year, it's been up and down contact with them since I was 7. I've seen multiple people, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, social workers, therapists, etc.

& I can't take a "break" from my problems. I wish I could, but I can't. They are always there. But professional wise, I've done that & over the past few months, I've been getting steadily worse. In more than one way. I hope I can get medication when I see my psychiatrist again, because right now, I seriously need it. I've never been on medication for many of my problems, only the ADHD, but that was only for a few months(on Ritalin then Concerta), it caused a lot of side effects & I came off it. I then was given Citalopram earlier this year(they thought my physical problems were caused by my anxiety and/or depression), I took one dose of that bugger & I had a lot of side effects & it made me feel awful. Never took another dose. My physical problems are not psychological, that much I know. So, finally, I may be getting validation of that and confirmation of my M.E diagnosis next year in January time(I think...)

Though the diagnosis of M.E is truly awful, there is no cure and hardly any treatments, I still like that I can show all those doctors who said "it's in your head, it's down to anxiety, depression, "the head can do amazing things"" & to show my family that it's NOT "attention seeking, fake, made up, laziness, hypocondria, etc". I'd really like to show that to them all. I'd like to feel validated, and accepted. That my MEDICAL condition is REAL and NOT psychological... that would be amazing, and it would take a lot of stress of my shoulders as I get so much of that & it truly distresses me.

innaminute
12-23-09, 04:35 PM
I can't speak for anyone else, but I've worn many labels throughout my life. Yes, I think there is someone inside of you, that is more than just your labels. However, for whatever reason, the labels are sometimes easier to grab than the person inside. And for whatever reason, the person inside feels as though they're defined by the label(s).

I used to hate it when people would tell me I was young, or try to blame my feelings/thoughts on my age. While age itself has nothing to do with anything, there is something that does and that's experience. Experience often comes with age, although not always. And regardless, even if the thoughts and feelings are due to being a teenager (I'm so not saying they are), they're still real and just saying, "ah, you're a teenager," doesn't make things better, or make your feelings/thoughts disappear.

I can tell you this - I've been through my share of cr@p. I've also somehow risen above all of it, and come out stronger on the other side. I can also say that as I've gotten older, my perspectives have changed. I still get awful feelings, but through the experience that age has brought with it, I'm able to manage those feelings a little bit better.

And as far as what can change and what can't change - I'm a firm believer that we all have control over our attitude. I've come out of the depths of depression just from the "fake it til you make it" mentality.

So, do you want to be defined by labels? Or are you just convinced you always will be?

There's a little trick for change that I've used when I've thought that something would never change... if I couldn't believe that the thing would change, I'd at least believe that someone else believed it could change. And I could latch onto that hope until I found hope for myself. I've seen it work countless times. I'm sure I can see it work again. :)

In any case, I hope you can find peace in your heart.

meridian
12-23-09, 05:12 PM
I don't think I'm affectionate, I think I'm a very heartless, uncaring girl.

<3 R.I.P. Baby Junior, My Beautiful Babba, I love you... <3
http://i26.tinypic.com/ea1vs5.jpg

I think you have lots of possibilities, Sarey. And when you are in a bad place it feels impossible to recognize that.

I'm not going to tell you to get over it or grow up, because I know better. I know what the dark places are like when the walls fall in and the bottom drops out.

I just want to remind you of who you have been and maybe can be.

My wish for you is a break in your pain.

And re-read Tigger's post, it is a beautiful thing.

sarey
12-24-09, 05:56 PM
Both. I want to be defined, and I think I always will be.

& I'm not really in the mood right now to respond, so I will if and when I can.

sarey
12-25-09, 12:16 AM
I can't speak for anyone else, but I've worn many labels throughout my life. Yes, I think there is someone inside of you, that is more than just your labels. However, for whatever reason, the labels are sometimes easier to grab than the person inside. And for whatever reason, the person inside feels as though they're defined by the label(s).


There is no person inside. I'm merely just a person defined, and made up of, labels. It's pretty simple. & it's how it has always been. & how it always will be.



I used to hate it when people would tell me I was young, or try to blame my feelings/thoughts on my age. While age itself has nothing to do with anything, there is something that does and that's experience. Experience often comes with age, although not always. And regardless, even if the thoughts and feelings are due to being a teenager (I'm so not saying they are), they're still real and just saying, "ah, you're a teenager," doesn't make things better, or make your feelings/thoughts disappear.


Well, I realize you're not saying they are, but to make it clear to anyone who does:
I have been mentally unstable since before I was a teenager. Being a teenager does not help, of course it doesn't, but this is not down to being a teenager.

Pretty simple, once again.
(& I'm not directing this at you, just making it clear.)


I can tell you this - I've been through my share of cr@p. I've also somehow risen above all of it, and come out stronger on the other side. I can also say that as I've gotten older, my perspectives have changed. I still get awful feelings, but through the experience that age has brought with it, I'm able to manage those feelings a little bit better.


Well, good for you.
But I've been through what some 40 year olds haven't.
I'm beyond my years in many ways.
I have a lot of knowledge, perspective, understanding, and insight into many things that others my age are oblivious and ignorant to, and have the pleasure to be that way, I know I wish to be that way...

If you're saying I'm not strong because I haven't "risen above", ... well, I'll ask first. Are you indicating that?

& I can't just "rise above" any of this. Just so you know.
You can't just "rise above" being mentally ill, or physically ill.
You can "rise above" a person who is intimidating you, but "rise above" being mentally and physically ill?
Completely different story.
In my opinion, anyway.
I'd appreciate it if that were accepted and not challenged.


And as far as what can change and what can't change - I'm a firm believer that we all have control over our attitude. I've come out of the depths of depression just from the "fake it til you make it" mentality.


Attitudes can be altered by ill mental health, as well as ill physical health.
& No matter how much of an attitude you may have, it won't change having a mental illness or a physical illness. Especially if it is a life long illness, and severe.
But, once again, if that worked for you, good for you.

& I fake it plenty. I fake the smiles, I paint the pretty pictures in person, but on here, I can really be myself.
I don't believe if you fake it, it'll somehow make it better.
It doesn't.
Not from what I've experienced anyway.
It actually tends to make it worse to pretend it is okay, when it's not.
Maybe for you it did, so... good for you.


So, do you want to be defined by labels? Or are you just convinced you always will be?


Like I said, I want to be defined by labels, it's who I am, and I am not just "convinced" I'll always be, I know for a fact I always will be.


There's a little trick for change that I've used when I've thought that something would never change... if I couldn't believe that the thing would change, I'd at least believe that someone else believed it could change. And I could latch onto that hope until I found hope for myself. I've seen it work countless times. I'm sure I can see it work again.


Well, good for you.


In any case, I hope you can find peace in your heart.


If only, huh?

innaminute
12-25-09, 10:02 AM
There is no person inside. I'm merely just a person defined, and made up of, labels. It's pretty simple. & it's how it has always been. & how it always will be.

And that "person" inside is defined and made up by labels. :) Of course, one can always take the philosophical approach and say, there is no one inside, and nothingness is all.


Well, I realize you're not saying they are, but to make it clear to anyone who does:
I have been mentally unstable since before I was a teenager. Being a teenager does not help, of course it doesn't, but this is not down to being a teenager.

Pretty simple, once again.
(& I'm not directing this at you, just making it clear.)
Oh, absolutely not. If you're unstable before you're a teenager (not challenging that, just speaking in the hypothetical), then adding all the teenage crap into the mix just makes it worse.


Well, good for you.
But I've been through what some 40 year olds haven't.
I'm beyond my years in many ways.
I have a lot of knowledge, perspective, understanding, and insight into many things that others my age are oblivious and ignorant to, and have the pleasure to be that way, I know I wish to be that way...


I totally believe you. That was always the biggest thing that made me mad when I was younger - people telling me that I didn't get things because of my age. It still bothers me to this day at 33 when folks tell me that I don't get things because of my age. I watched my grandma go in and out of hospitals with heart attacks from the time I was 5 years old. I've found her on the kitchen floor after a heart attack and had to call 911. Sitting in hospital waiting rooms at 4 - 9 years old can teach a kid a lot.

I completely believe you're beyond your years in many ways. I was the same, and I wouldn't trade that for anything - I'd rather be a little dark and contemplative than be ignorant and oblivious. I commend you on looking at the deeper things. Not enough people do that.


If you're saying I'm not strong because I haven't "risen above", ... well, I'll ask first. Are you indicating that?
Nope, not in any way, shape or form. The simple fact that you recognize stuff that's going on inside of you makes you strong. My post was just intended to maybe inspire a little hope and say, "hey, life can really suck, but other people have risen above, so maybe I can, too."


& I can't just "rise above" any of this. Just so you know.
You can't just "rise above" being mentally ill, or physically ill.
You can "rise above" a person who is intimidating you, but "rise above" being mentally and physically ill?
Completely different story.
In my opinion, anyway.
I'd appreciate it if that were accepted and not challenged.
No, you can't rise above being mentally or physically ill. But there are things one can do to try and ease the suckiness of it all. I am not challenging your opinion. I completely accept it. When I say stuff I've "risen above" - it's things I'd rather not divulge here, but stuff that has been hard, really really hard.


Attitudes can be altered by ill mental health, as well as ill physical health.
& No matter how much of an attitude you may have, it won't change having a mental illness or a physical illness. Especially if it is a life long illness, and severe.
But, once again, if that worked for you, good for you.
You're 100% correct - attitudes can be altered by ill mental and ill physical health. The attitude doesn't change the fact that one has a mental or physical illness, especially a lifelong severe illness. The only thing I mean by the attitude thing is that when I'm in a really dark place, I try to find something that'll ease the crappy feeling - like reading a book I enjoy, or playing with one of my dogs, or writing. It's not a cure-all, but sometimes it can give a five minute reprieve from the crap, because I know that when I've been in a perpetual "bad place", a five minute reprieve is a really welcome thing.


& I fake it plenty. I fake the smiles, I paint the pretty pictures in person, but on here, I can really be myself.
I don't believe if you fake it, it'll somehow make it better.
It doesn't.
Not from what I've experienced anyway.
It actually tends to make it worse to pretend it is okay, when it's not.
Maybe for you it did, so... good for you.
I totally get what you're saying. Heck, I have a hard time with family gatherings sometimes because I have to be "on". By faking it, I mostly mean, doing what I said above - finding as many things as I enjoy to help me feel better. In some self-help programs, there's the saying 'fake it til you make it' - everything, and I mean EVERYTHING has really gotta be in balance. It can definitely make it worse to pretend that things are okay when they're not. But, I think you have a good grip on knowing things aren't...


Like I said, I want to be defined by labels, it's who I am, and I am not just "convinced" I'll always be, I know for a fact I always will be.
I just wanted to clarify. :) It's hard sometimes when someone posts something to really know their intent. Which is why I asked. I've been told that I define myself by labels in my past. This isn't something I wanted to do. So, I could have seen myself writing your original post as a way to ask, "How do I stop doing this?" But, if you want to be defined by labels, then you're doing what you want, and good for you. (Not intended as a snippy good for you thing, but a genuine good for you because you're doing what you want.)


If only, huh?

Last thing I'll say - I really hope you know that I'm not challenging you, or criticizing you. And I doubt most of the folks are on here either. None of us know what is in someone else's heart or mind. And as awesome as forums are, there's always that missing component of voice inflection. I know when I read stuff, I often put in the voice inflection of things I've heard over the years, all the negative things folks have told me.

And, going back to the teenage thing - it's so hard when you're a deep feeling person who actually thinks about things (which you obviously are) and most folks who are teenagers aren't. It's like you want to talk and be yourself, but you're faced with therapists who are older and look at everything from a clinical impresonal view, or people in your age group merely concerned with things that don't really matter all that much. I've been there, and that's why when I was a teenager, most of my close friends were people a little older than me, because the people my age just "didn't get it".

Okay, and one last thing - what types of stuff do you like to do? Do you like to read poetry? Do you like to listen to music? Deep thinkers are often some of the most creative people in the world. My only outlet at 17 - 19 was falling in love with words and writing my feelings down in poetry. I think you'd write some awesome poetry if you could get some of your thoughts down in that form.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. And I apologize if anything I've said in my past, or this post sounds preachy. I'm really not preachy - as my signature says, I just like to type a lot. :)

sarey
12-28-09, 01:38 AM
exhausted right now been bedbound for days now worse than before, but just want to say that i dont think its good for me that i want to be defined by labels - i dont really want to be, i just think thats all i have ever known, an unstable personality within, and a lot of BS, so i cant imagine anything else. i dont want it to be "good for me"... its not... i dont really want to be like this but i dont know anything else.

livinginchaos
12-28-09, 01:48 AM
do you think it's the OCD part that wants to be defined by labels?

sarey
12-28-09, 02:42 AM
why would it be ocd? how could i t be more like?

livinginchaos
12-28-09, 03:53 AM
why would it be ocd? how could i t be more like?

i'm trying to figure out what to say . . . . what it is that I mean.

OCD tends to take over your life, right? would you say that OCD supports you in times of need? It calms you? it makes things right?

I could be wrong about this, but hear me out:
Right now, you seem to be stuck on your illnesses defining you and your life rather than you defining you and your life and your illnesses are along for the ride.

OCD and Eating disorders tend to overcome rational thinking at a time you need support. Do you think that it's the OCD that's telling you you are only your illness, that you're not a person?
Sometimes, OCD and ED tend to come around when it's not needed. But that voice just sneaks inside your head, plays around and convinces you to be on his side.

Does that make sense? Does that happen to you?


Also, just to clarify - I don't know how you feel - we all have different emotions, different reasons for doing things.
I'm just asking you - do you think this post could explain being stuck on being defined your illnesses/disorders?


Just some other rambling . . ..
For about a year or so I vacillated between "I have ADHD" vs "I am ADHD"

I used to think, and sometimes wonder . I prefer "I am ADHD"
What I hate about it is that it means that ADHD has control of my life - it means that "I am ADHD Courtney" That's not true, because I have control of my life. I dont want to be known as "ADHD Courtney." I want to be known as "Courtney" who has other issues, but is a cool chick. Lately, Ive been trying to remember to say "I have ADHD"
By saying that I have ADHD, to me says it doesn't control my life, but it's a part of my life. For disorders, anxiety and depression have another part of my life, but they don't own my life, they just merely live in it.

My personality and my soul own my life - not ADHD, not anxiety, not my Binge ED.

Anxiety doesn't own my soulful singing. Depression doesn't own my guitar playing. My ADHD doesn't own my craftyness, it doesn't own my music talents,it doesn't own the laughter that occurs when I watch How I Met Your Mother or Accidentally on Purpose or The Big Bang Theory.

I define myself by my creativity: I'm crafty, I make lots of cool things This year it was feathered headbands. Last year it was turning records into clocks
I define myself by my music: I'm a great singer, especially broadway. I kill at Mowtown and others. I also jam on the piano and on guitar. Just jamming out in my car to my iPod
I define myself by visual laziness: i love movies, music, tv shows, computer
I define myself as a smart woman: i love to read, to learn, to grow more into my chosen kick*ss profession. But, hey. I don't read just work junk! I read romantic comedy books, I ready mystery murders, I read about autobiographies

I never define myself as generalized anxiety, SAD, or ADHD. They are big parts of my life, but I dont let them rule my life.


i dont know if what I'm writing to you hurts or helps, I know I'm not going though what you are on a daily basis. I truly hope that I help you.



Sarey - my mom suffers from multiple sclerosis. She is in her 50s (55, I believe). She has chronic MS. I've had to deal with it since I was born.
I've watched her go from waterskiing every weekend and avid cross-stitcher. To become a person who has to walk with a cane just around the house or around things you can trip on, changing to: must have the cane at all times so she doesn't trip and fall.
Now, my parents have to buy a new house that only has 1 floor, because my mom cannot easily walk up and down stairs.

So, my mom obviously has issues that affect her daily, hourly, every moment.

SHe has all sorts of other issues that I just don't want to get into in public.

my mom doesn't let the fact that she has MS stop her from doing too many things. There are some things she cannot do, because of her inability, but my mom will do anything she possible can.

My mom is pretty immobile. It's hard for her to walk around, very hard.
Recently: my mom has defined her life through her knitting and knitting club, through her book club, through weekly meetings with friends, yoga class, helps out people in hospice.

wow - sorry it's so long. I'm sure you get my drift. My mom has an extremely debilitating disease. She has every right to be crabby and horrible.
Instead, shes taken the best road. She takes advantage of what she can do, as she can do it at that time.

My mom says "it's making everyday count. It's doing the best that you can for that hour that you can move well" During that hour - it's full of activities she excells at (knitting, screenwriting, running a children's play, reading books, talking walks in her scooter, hanging out with friends. . . .

My mom is in pain every single day. There is nothing she can do about it.
But, she can work hard at making herself feel fulfilled by her activities, while taking breaks as needed.


I hope some of this makes sense. my ambien is kicking in, making it impossible to re-read my post. sorry sarey. I usually like a second read.

I hope you get my gist.

what are other things in your life that you enjoy - and you cannot list any of your disorders/syndromes.

sarey
12-28-09, 04:20 AM
you make sense, im sorry about your mum but im glad she can cope somehow, it seems she tries to cope...?

im not entirely sure what you mean but all i know is i define myself by my illnesses and disorders and that is not how i want it to be...more...how it must be...because thats how its always been, and how it always will be... so it must be like that... i cant imagine this life any other way... if that makes sense...?

i mean... right now... i have Emotional Dysregulation, ADHD(you already knew that though...duh), GAD, OCD, Receptive Language Difficulties, Severe and Complex Emotional Needs, Self Harm(not an illness, but ive been a self harmer since i was 7, so it affects me quite severely... & i feel that is a part of me...) & alcohol/drug addictions.

I could have Borderline & Dependent Personality disorder but I'm under 18, so can't be diagnosed, but suffer from all the symptoms and there is discussion into me getting a diagnosis of a PD...

&like I have said in previous posts on here, I also have M.E (Myalgic Encephalopathy/Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) & Acid Reflux Disease medically. I am moderately-severely affected by M.E and I am waiting for my diagnosis to finally be confirmed in the next few weeks so i can get some sort of treatment and DLA as i cannot attend college or get a job...(but I am going to try doing online education and re take my GCSE's )

all of these things, I feel they are me...they define me...they always will...a few can only be recovered from, but they never go away... i could be affected for all my life by my illnesses and disorders... i dont want to define myself by anything else but this... i feel that these are me, without these, who am i...? do you get me at all? i want them to define me but i dont at the same time.

i like...art. and i like being on here, and being with my friends. i like tv shows. i like swimming and bike riding (obviously thats been compromised severely.) and walking too...(again, compromised.) i like making things, painting, drawing, i like being with my cousins kids and my grandad... i like making others laugh and smile... i like... making some sort of impact or positive change or informing someone of useful / right information that can make a difference for them or someone they know... i like lots of stuff, just depends at that time.

livinginchaos
12-28-09, 04:47 AM
I think I get you, sarey.

(please keep in mind that Ambien has kicked in and I may not make a ton of sense, but I mean well).

Do you feel that your illnesses HAVE to define you?

Let's pretend you don't have your illnesses. Please, just pretend with me for a moment.

YOu don't have illnesses. . . . . . so, how do you define your life now?


There are so many ways to define us.
Here are some that define me: behavior analyst,musician, artist, photographer, loyal friend, self-ish, loving, roots for the underdog, peace-loving-liberal, lazy girl,comfy girl, mac-girl, cat woman, retro, mild risk taker.
ADHD and depression and anxiety aren't on my list. They're not there because they're not in my soul, they are part of me, yes, but not part of my soul.
does that make sense?
But, that doesn't mean they're not in yours - only if you want them to be.


I want to know . .. whats in your soul? define yourself

i like...art. and i like being on here, and being with my friends. i like tv shows. i like swimming and bike riding (obviously thats been compromised severely.) and walking too...(again, compromised.) i like making things, painting, drawing, i like being with my cousins kids and my grandad... i like making others laugh and smile... i like... making some sort of impact or positive change or informing someone of useful / right information that can make a difference for them or someone they know... i like lots of stuff, just depends at that time.
These things ^^ all of ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ these define your life. Your illnesses are your illnesses, they're crap that you're stuck with, but put them aside for a moment, and write out everything else you like to do FOR YOURSELF that has NOTHING to do with your illnesses or other medical problem.

PS regarding my mom:despite all the crap she pulls, especially in the past, is the most influential person in my life in terms of living your life to the best way that you can. I"m so proud of her for her accomplishments. She doesn't let F**king Multiple Sclerosis get in her way of living life. It's not worth it. Her life is worth it, her family's life is worth it. Her dreams and aspirations are worth it.
As much as I rag on her for the harmful things she has done to me, this has been the best thing anyone could ever pass on to me.

sarey
12-28-09, 04:53 AM
i... i dont know... this is what i mean, i dont know my soul, or who i am, without these illnesses and disorders... im not quite sure how to do that either? :(

livinginchaos
12-28-09, 05:00 AM
sarey - I edited my post above . . read that again, then read this:

Reply to my post and write a list of things you enjoy doing that has NOTHING to do with your illnesses. Write about friends, music, art, future careers, write about great things happening now and possibly in the future.


I'll come back tomorrow and check in.

AliKatski
12-28-09, 08:33 AM
Sarey hun...

You're not a bad person, you're more than the sum of your illnesses, and you are extremely good at putting your feelings into words.

The fact that you identify yourself by your illnesses is indication of the fact that you feel overwhelmed by your experiences and all the bad things that seem to be happening to you. We all have a million problems, and some are better at voicing them than others. Why don't you take your talent and use it slightly differently? Put your feelings into words, but in a creative way... Write a song, poem, story or even just a blog. You'll feel better at releasing your frustrations, and at the same time encourage your natural creativity.

Judging someone because of the way they identify themselves is wrong. Your identity is your own business and how you look at yourself is 100% personal to you. Don't let people bring you down by saying that you shouldn't do what you do, just talk to someone about things that annoy and upset you. Help yourself - no-one can do it for you (as you know from all the useless psychs - I know exactly what you mean).

We're here for you - not against you.

Ali :)

sarey
12-30-09, 12:25 AM
sarey - I edited my post above . . read that again, then read this:

Reply to my post and write a list of things you enjoy doing that has NOTHING to do with your illnesses. Write about friends, music, art, future careers, write about great things happening now and possibly in the future.


I'll come back tomorrow and check in.

hi living, well...

friends - limited amount of who are true, and trustworthy, and lovely friends. got a few of those on here, and a lot of other just... friends y'no? not so much close ones. none in person. if you count family, i have a few, my grandad, cousins kids, & my Angel(hamster...),though shes verywary of me...very frightened,but shes still just as lovely. just very jumpy and frightened is all...

music - i like all types. depends on my mood. country, pop, techno, rap, RnB, dance, etc. i listen to it best when im in a bad mood so it helps me distract myself or focus on the lyrics, the notes, the tempo, all that...

art - i love a variety of art. from sketching to photography. my skills have deteriated but i still love doing it. mostly lately its been photography with myh new camera, but i did try sketching and painting, didnt go too well...

future careers - id like to be a psychologist.

great things happening now - not a lot to be honest. i guess being assessed and waiting for my diagnosis to be confirmed could be good, with regards to treatment and options.
also may be re taking gcses online.
and... i have a lovely new camera...
and a really lovely butterfly necklace... they remind me of my nan...(she passed awa in 04...) so i like to think shes here with me.
umm... ill be seeing my psychiatrist again in january and may be getting diagnosed with a PD,but im also going to be asking about meds(firstly for my severe ocd...) so i hope i can get something to help because its getting distressing to deal with alot of the time... or whatever "it" is...

hmm. so yeah.
future? im not too sure.

Sarey hun...

You're not a bad person, you're more than the sum of your illnesses, and you are extremely good at putting your feelings into words.

The fact that you identify yourself by your illnesses is indication of the fact that you feel overwhelmed by your experiences and all the bad things that seem to be happening to you. We all have a million problems, and some are better at voicing them than others. Why don't you take your talent and use it slightly differently? Put your feelings into words, but in a creative way... Write a song, poem, story or even just a blog. You'll feel better at releasing your frustrations, and at the same time encourage your natural creativity.

Judging someone because of the way they identify themselves is wrong. Your identity is your own business and how you look at yourself is 100% personal to you. Don't let people bring you down by saying that you shouldn't do what you do, just talk to someone about things that annoy and upset you. Help yourself - no-one can do it for you (as you know from all the useless psychs - I know exactly what you mean).

We're here for you - not against you.

Ali :)

hi, I do that, i type stories, poems, but not so much anymore, creativity spark has gotten lost... but i blog, sometimes.

thank you for the message. appreciate it. take care.

rickymooston
01-02-10, 02:15 AM
Just because my brain isn't "fully developed" and I'm 17, does not mean my illnesses and disorders are any less real than someone who is 40 years old. I'm sick of people judging how bad things are and down playing and how "oh you have hope you're young".
I. HAVE. NO. HOPE.

URGH.

The question is not whether your illnesses will be with you your whole life but whether they will get the better of you or not. At 17, do you know how other people deal with all these?

Yes, you can write. That's a great talent. :).

livinginchaos
01-02-10, 02:26 AM
thanks, sarey. By telling us about the things you like and enjoy, I hope that reminded you that you are not just your illnesses.
Enjoy your hobbies and have fun with them. I like looking at your art work and your photography. Keep playing around with them, keep posting them for us to enjoy.

sarey
01-02-10, 04:26 AM
ii havr not mert singl personwhos dealign wit the stuf iam dealijgnwitn all togeter.

sarey
01-02-10, 08:18 AM
The question is not whether your illnesses will be with you your whole life but whether they will get the better of you or not. At 17, do you know how other people deal with all these?

Yes, you can write. That's a great talent. :).


Excuse my last post, I had just woken up, so my writing was a tad off & I don't think I understood properly.

After re-reading that, I just realized you were asking how people at 17 deal with all of these... Could you further elaborate on what you mean by that?

I'm also not sure I've met anyone who can say how they deal with all these, as no one is me & cannot understand fully what I've gone through & am going through. Though people can relate - this I appreciate greatly, it's nice to feel less alone. But as we are all individual & no one has the same life, same head, same body etc, no one can fully understand what it is like to be you. So, honestly, I'm not sure how a 17 year old can deal with all of these.

Wow, I also apologize, I just wrote out so many paragraphs & I re checked what was said, & I just realized what you actually said, lol.
Sorry about that...
Please explain further on what you mean though, just to be sure I understand... Which I don't... sorry again!

rickymooston
01-02-10, 12:28 PM
After re-reading that, I just realized you were asking how people at 17 deal with all of these... Could you further elaborate on what you mean by that?


As a philosophical "Taoist", what I'm continously learning is that there is always a difference between understanding what a problem is and undersanding how to solve it.

The other poster you were talking to commented on your age. When he mentioned your age, you made an assumption about what he said because you were looking at things from one angle, the physical development of the brain. The advantage older people have than younger people is that they have more experience. Physically, brain cells apparently start dying at 19. Younger people are in fact physically smarter but older people can know more. One of the things older people might now about is how to deal with any one of thier individual problems. When somebody says something to you, you can try as a matter of habit to interpret it in different ways to find the ways in which it is true. Most things are not black and white but grey or layered like an onion.

If you want to survive, deep within yourself, you need to keep inside yourself a single word. Channel. You can either swim against the current or you can use the current to your advantage. This lesson is a difficult one. As a human, you will struggle with it your entire life. As a person with ADD, you have an advantage that thinking outside the box is natural for you. You are physically built to do this and at some occasions have to actually work to not do it in order to get things done.


Wow, I also apologize, I just wrote out so many paragraphs & I re checked what was said, & I just realized what you actually said, lol.
Sorry about that...
Please explain further on what you mean though, just to be sure I understand... Which I don't... sorry again!


Apology is not required. I do the same thing all the time. Its a bad habit but it is something very natural when you have ADD. Curses.

The fact you turned around and asked a question shows you in fact have hope. Knowing you don't know is the deepest insight you can have. Questions are sometimes more valuable than answers.

sarey
01-02-10, 12:52 PM
still confused... you asked how at 17 I can cope, right? deal with it all? Im not sure how I can... i barely get by right now.

rickymooston
01-04-10, 12:14 AM
still confused... you asked how at 17 I can cope, right? deal with it all? Im not sure how I can... i barely get by right now.

Writing is a legitamate outlet for your feelings. This is a start. Your poetry is intense and well written. I looked at the post you sent me. I read some of them. You might even be a gifted novelist some day.

In terms of dealing with your problems, I think you have to prioritize which of the problems are affecting your life the most and then you need to find other people with similar problems who have conquered them. Or to think of strategies to try. You will probably need help; e.g, advice from other ppl who've tried, doctors, councelors, etc. Its unlikely you'll be able to solve them all at once.

In terms of ADD problems, I can only help with the ones I conquered myself. In terms of the other things you mention, I am sure some people here have some of those and hope they have ideas.

Your poem about anorexia was good.

sarey
01-09-10, 12:06 AM
? not sure i understand.

mADD mike
01-10-10, 01:41 PM
(I'm going to do my best not to preach here, but I'm going to try to help without crossing any forum rules or guidelines.)

Sarey, I think you need to realize that life is so much bigger than your disorders. Life is so much bigger than the things we see around us, the mundane tasks of life that we all participate in, whether it is schooling or work or whatever.

In my religion, God is being that sees who we are and why we are that way, and that sees us instead for who we could be if perfect as originally intended. It is comforting to know that there is someone out there that we can talk to and that sees us for who we want to be, not who we are. I realize that not everyone believes in the same God, or even a God at all, but I'm trying to show you how I've gained some comfort through the years.

Regardless, look at the world around you. It is so much bigger than just you or your disorders. You aren't alone. There are other people that have been there, done that, and gone on to happiness in life. TIME is a huge aspect in this. It isn't merely age, it is experience. If someone had told me that I had ADD back when I was your age, I would have said "yeah, right" and dismissed it. I wasn't ready to hear it yet. When I was 31 and I found out, instead of being dismissive, I was looking for answers and found them. We don't always find them when we think we want them, many times we find them when we are finally ready, and you may think you're ready now, but find out later in life that you aren't now and will be then.

Go out, watch a sunset tonight. Go to a park, smell the crisp, fresh air. Lose yourself in playing in that snow that you took photos of outside. Have fun. If you can't appreciate who you are right now, appreciate the little things that are around you. The sound of little kids playing and giggling, a cat purring, the beauty in the clouds that go over your head that we take for granted every day, the miracles of life that go on right underneath your feet as you walk on the grass outside. Life is so much bigger than any labels or disorders. We just live in a world that thinks that "reality" is on TV. It isn't. It is all around us every day, so much bigger than us, and there are so many things to be thankful for that were created for our enjoyment.

Change your perspective. Don't look at your disorders all the time. Look at what is around you, the little things, and take solace in the fact that there is something all around every one of us that is so much bigger than us, that we are never truly alone, and that you can reach out for better things by appreciating the wonders around you, rather than looking at the labels that you feel within you. Get off of here, the ADD forums, and go out and explore LIFE. These forums hold a place, they mirror the reality for so many of us and give us a place to vent or identify with others or even get or give help, but real life takes place when you log off, turn the tv off, and enjoy the people and life that goes on all around you. Happiness can be found therein, a sense of being, where you belong as part of this swirling concoction of life that is constantly moving all around you.

Mike

sarek
01-10-10, 06:43 PM
I hope I am getting this right. If not, please tell me if i am misunderstanding anything.

I wont pretend I know what you feel sarey, not the merest fraction of it. As you said, no one can.

I hope I do understand what you are trying to say though.

And you are right. Trying to pretend there is a magic cure or even something that will make you feel a lot better is not going to help you any.
Its a something of a guy thing I think, we don't listen all that well, we always prefer to pretend we have solutions even if there are none.
I do that myself all the time. My mum has severely deteriorating eyesight, yet i keep kidding myself that she can still do all the things she used to do. And so I keep coming up with new ideas and schemes that may not always be workable.

Still, people are trying to help you, everyone in their own way. We dont have all the answers, or maybe no answers at all. But we are trying.

And some of the posters are right when they say that time will make a difference. Not because its a cure. But because the passage of time itself will give you a chance to discover who you are.

You are right, life does not begin at 25 or 35 or 50. And age does not make anyone wise either. The years count differently for everyone.

But life does not end at 15 or 17 or 20 or even 80 either. People keep growing and changing every day of their lives. That is the essence of being human. You keep growing and learning until you die.

Every day is one. And perhaps you will be able to find new and better ways to live with who you are. Perhaps you will find out who you are. And when you do you will see it is not your labels that define you.

You are beautiful in every way sarey. Keep that in mind whatever you may think and whatever anyone may say. Don't let anyone take that from you.

firstdesserts
01-10-10, 09:05 PM
"No, she's my wife. You can't pay someone to put up with this crap."

That is obviously from someone still there, doin' that. Wow.

livinginchaos
01-10-10, 11:02 PM
I'm not 100% sure if this is right, 'cause I'm not sarey - so sarey, please feel free to disagree/agree.

I think what sarey wants is support, not solutions, but support in the form of sympathy and/or empathy. She's in a really challenging situation and has a lot of medical crap to deal with.


Hang in there, sarey.

sarey
01-11-10, 07:18 AM
I appreciate support from people but when I'm angry I just want to scream and shout and curse and let it all out, which I have been very angry past few weeks, & I just don't appreciate some things that were said by you.

These things I do not appreciate:
the things you write are part of just being a "normal" teenager. The things you write about not knowing who you are or your place in the world, who you really are inside, all teens feel, question, go through.

Reason:
I could have done without that part, I'm not sure you all understood my first post. I meant I define myself by my disorders/illnesses, & I don't think there is anyone inside, & other teenagers don't question that, they question who they are, I don't really question that as much as I define myself by my illnesses/disorders & think that there is nothing else to me as that is all I've ever known in my life.

&this;
But, this is the time of a young adult-to be, to sit and ponder and ask these things; that is how one figures it all out.

Reason:
For a very personal reason, I don't like to be called a young adult, it's quite a sensitive subject for me & I'll PM you about it as I don't want to be vulnerable (again...) & have it out in the open, for others to be able to attack me with it.

This I do appreciate:
Just that, you with lots of "un-normal" teen things going on, it's all compounded than most young people your age, which is unquestionably unfair.

Reason:
You recognize that I am not like other teenagers, & I am fed up with people saying I am like other teenagers.
I may have misunderstood your phrasing in the first posts.
For that, I apologize for snapping at you.

But like I said, this was posted in the wrong type of forum obviously, & on other forums, people actually can relate & get it & offer me hugs & comfort & a listening ear & don't mind if I just wanna rant it all out.

FrazzleDazzle
01-11-10, 07:48 AM
Thank you very much, Sarey, for expressing that. I understand better why you were upset. I really didn't understand.... This morning I will be a few minutes late for work to respond back......

I understand that no one can really understand what you are going through, and I'm sorry for that, however my heart remains truly goes out to you, and I follow your threads and your courage to come here and vent. It is a good thing for you to do, you have a lot of things to be upset about. Even though we can't understand, we, in our own ways, are still trying to be here for you, and you may turn someone away from being here for you if we feel personally attacked and targeted for your vent, when there really may be something of value we are kindly trying to offer you in our own skewed flawed imperfect ways.

Either way, if this process of being here is helping you to in any way have a better day or sort through all this crap, then that is truly why were are here and our purpose has been served. I greatly appreciate your sharing, your eloquent way with words have touched me very deeply, and you joy for photography makes me personally smile.....it is ONE thing you and I have in common, and means a lot to me, Sarey, it really does. I know the healing it brings to me, and I hope and wish that for you too, if only for the time you are behind the lens and the joy it brings you to share it with us.

Blessings for your day, Sarey.

sarey
01-11-10, 08:21 AM
I'll respond later, I'm a bit distracted right now.
& I'll also PM later...
I've got some of it typed out.

Talk later.

Lunacie
01-11-10, 10:28 AM
You can pick more positive labels for yourself.

Yeah, I have ADHD-PI which means I don't remember anything, but it also means I'm very "creative" and "imaginative" and that I can reread a book for the second time and still be surprised by the ending. ;)

Yeah, I have FibroMyalgia and Migraine disorder so I get cranky, but I'm also the "nice gramma" who takes stuff to school when the girls forget without yelling at them for not being able to remember. :)

Nature itself tends to balance things out, we just have to look for the balance. People who wear "rose colored glasses" tend to ignore anything they don't like which isn't healthy. But some people wear "mud colored glasses" and only see the stuff they don't like, which isn't healthy either.