View Full Version : My creativity.


sarey
01-03-10, 06:19 AM
This is a mixture of stories & poems from the past few years.
This is the first one that I created today after many months of not doing any.
VERY TRIGGERING.
BE CAREFUL WHILE VIEWING.


Music, lyrics, turn it up...
Block it out,
Thoughts screaming,
Deafening, so loud.

Pop pills, slash the flesh,
binge the alcohol, look at the mess,
Slam your head into those bricks,
Tear apart your hair, digging in with your fingertips.

The noise, the chaos, the havoc,
it never stops,
Never a moment's peace,
it's constant, never at ease.

&you try so hard to escape,
to make it quiet... quieter, at least,
&you can't take it anymore, you are desperate for silence,
nothing makes sense.

You grab the pills, the rope, & the booze,
handfuls of poison, followed by alcohol,
wait for the kick...
ah, there it is...

Dizzy, spacey, blurred vision,
shaking hands reach for the rope,
Tie it round your neck, & jump...

Your brain is suffocating, gasping for air,
cut off oxygen, cut off blood,
heart racing, a fixed stare,
darkness appearing,
&then at long last...
silence, death.

The rest are in no particular order, & are from the past few years.
Again, these are very triggering.
&It's long!

Her vision was blurred; it was kicking in. The poison of that named alcohol. Vodka. She chugged half a bottle down, chasing it down with narcotics. She sat there in her chair, in her room, the walls began to melt and blend together. The floor began to swirl. She couldn't see properly, she tried to stand up, but her balance was cut off and she fell to the floor; she banged her head. She laughed. Blood began to seep down her forehead, trickled down her cheek, and dripped to the floor. She smiled... she felt no pain... she felt numb, yet on top of the world at the same time. Nothing could hurt her now. Reality had been washed away. Nothing could stop her, either. She knew it to be dangerous... she was a smart girl... she knew what could happen... but that didn't stop the temptation's... didn't stop them from screaming in her fragile, torn mind... didn't stop them from tearing it further... each addiction is a new kind of hell... but this girl hadn't ate in days... this girl had scars and wounds that each foretold the shattered soul within... this girl had bruises which covered her legs, they bled the pain... it was hidden beneath the skin, though... just like many of her scars... that felt like fresh wounds... they haunted her. Her mind swamped with memories... thoughts... images... many of which caused great distress... anxiety screamed throughout her body... fear, too. She wished it to stop... she wished it to go away... she truly did... but she was frightened... for all of what was happening... has been happening since she could remember... that anger... that fear... those thoughts... the wounds... scars... her mind... who would she be without this? She knows nothing else... it's change... for anyone, change is quite scary... it's new... but for her... it's more than just a bit scary... it's daunting.

------------------------

Staring back at the reflection,
wanting to be perfection,
smashing the mirror into pieces,
dying to be so very thin.


Running desperately,
to burn the calories,
to rid the fat,
wherever it's at.


Staring at the food,
the evilness within,
resisting the urge,
to eat and give in.

Stepping on the scales,
'That can't be right',
the number has lowered,
but the fat hasn't disappeared,
it's still here.

Dizziness occurs,
sickness has followed,
fainting becomes a new hobby,
feeling so very groggy.

Looking down at the food,
the table is surrounded,
by her family too,
'I've ate today', she says,
another lie, but that's okay,
it'll all be worth it,
in the end.


The bones now reveal,
from within the skin,
weakening as the days go by,
pains like a stabbing pin.


One day, running,
she ends up collapsing,
rushed into hospital,
so very ill.


She's now on deaths bed,
and told she has little time left,
though all she ever wanted,
was thin, skinny,
or was it, really?


-------------------------- -------

I'm screaming,
so loud it's deafening,
no one seems to be,
listening.


The tears are dropping,
hiding beneath my covers,
shutting my eyes tightly,
pretending not to be bothered.


Friends are leaving,
turning into my enemies,
screaming and yelling,
then leaving.


Heart shattered,
like a million pieces of glass,
I pick the glass up,
and the blood begins to drop.


Searching for the rope,
quickly grabbing it,
placing it around my neck,
tightly double knotting, and sliding away.


Eyes blood shot,
blackness appearing,
life fading,
death is now nearing.


Leaning against the wall,
slowly falling down onto the floor,
opening deaths door,
I don't breathe...
anymore...

-------------------------- --------

Looking up,
the skies full of clouds,
big and small,
wide and tall,
colors and shapes,
looking at them in different ways.


Remembering the memories,
feeling the pain,
tears crawling,
going insane,
thinking about,
those particular days.


The sun poking through,
shining down,
looking around,
light everywhere,
comforting like a teddy bear,
I stop, and I stare.


Daydreaming zone,
I enter,
dreaming of the memories,
reliving them,
the tears pour from my eyes,
losing the fight,
looking at the sky,
shutting my eyes,
the tears keep crawling.


Crawling to the kitchen,
swallowing the pills,
10, 20, 30, 40, and more,
crawling back into the garden,
lying on the ground,
looking at the sky,
not a sight,
not a sound,
just a light,
walking towards it,
letting everything fade,
taking my last breath,
and I fade...
away...

-------------------------- -

Sitting here,
quietly still,
thinking about,
ways to kill,
myself.

Being used,
as a punchbag,
day in and day out,
screaming the words,
echoing the shouts,
the cursing used,
just wishing, and wishing,
that I could get out.


It's gone, all of it,
everything failing,
moving, fidgeting,
all day long,
thinking about,
everything wrong.


Imagining my death,
in so many ways,
each and every one,
painful,
a slow kill.


Friends departing,
family fading,
dreams shattering,
thinking of ways,
of escaping.


Lying on my bed,
I toss, and I turn,
and I quickly learn,
that I have to be dead,
enough said.


I cut the skin,
I swallow the pills,
I grab the rope,
as I tightly feel,
the pressure around my neck,
I slowly slip,
into death.

-------------------------- -----

Tainting my soul,
pure evil within,
tears begging to drop,
screams pleading to be heard,
lost in this dark hole,
where did I go?
where do I go?

Darkness fills me,
memories,
thoughts, feelings,
overwhelming,
how do I escape?

-------------------------- -----

Love, like fire,
it burns through flesh, blinding,
hate, like ice,
it freezes the heart, frozen,
tainting the soul,
what world is this?
Millions, of trillions,
they live within their walls of suffering,
Pain, and hurt, is their only friend,
Within this world...
thousands...and trillions...
they live alone.
Trapped inside their mind of poison...
wondering where they're going...
lost at sea...
they are not...
not yet...
free,
will they ever be?

-------------------------- -----

"As her eyes twinkled in the moonlight, tears sparkling within, she dodged her eyes from left to right, beneath the bridge she sat upon, the sound of vechiles passing her by, yet not loud enough to block the thoughts that screamed through her mind. She stood up slowly, her body trembling, not from the freezing temperatures, but from both fear and the adrenaline rush she recieved, flowing through her fragile body. She stepped up and looked down at her fate; the end of her life. She shut her eyes, her tears slowly dripping down her pale, frozen cheeks, and she leaped into the air, her body dropping with speed, yet her mind...free."

-------------------------- -----

Last night,
I cut my wrist,
last night,
I bled,
last night,
I hit a vein,
last night,
I went insane,
last night,
I cried buckets of tears,
last night,
I didn't fear,
last night,
I hurt so much,
last night,
I watched,
the blood pump from my cut,
hoping with some luck,
I'll make that last slit,
and bleed to death,
last night,
I failed to be,
failed to suicide,
once again,
last night,
I didn't succeed.

Created on the 14th of May, 2007.

-------------------------- ---------

Clinging to that rope,
the rope I have left,
all others disappeared,
leaving me for death.


The rope almost breaking,
tears I shred,
feeling the hot tears down my cheeks,
wondering how I was led,
led to this end.


As I hold on tighter,
the rope gets thinner,
the strings break,
soon, I'm no longer to be here.


It snaps,
I fall,
I scream and cry,
I try to call,
no one hears,
I'm left,
abandoned to die.

-------------------------- ---

Alcohol

One sip, and another,
leading to,
my speech, it begins to stutter,
the voices win, and I loose.


Drinking, drinking,
more and more,
sinking, lower and lower,
just like before.


The taste is horrid,
feeling like I'm going to be sick,
I sit here,
holding my stomach,
head spinning,
around and round,
every little sound,
pounds my head,
any tiny thing that is said,
echos throughout my brain,
I think,
how did I end up like this?
drinking, cutting, overdosing,
attempting to die,
telling all these lies,
why do I do this?
how did I end up like this?
I ask myself,
over and over,
and I never find out the answer...
it remains unknown,
and as I sit here alone,
I remain thinking, pondering the question,
again... and again...
but the answer, I have never found...

-------------------------- -------

Memories flooding back,
I see you cared for a fact,
but now where are you?
Where have you gone?
You've killed yourself,
it didn't take so long,
I miss you so much,
I hope you're at peace,
at the very least,
though you took your precious life,
a life worth fighting for,
I guess the voices won,
the thoughts and feelings,
they were too strong,
everyone misses you,
I have nights where I'm endlessly crying,
and I can't keep living,
but I do keep trying,
I have days where I'm lying,
saying I'm okay,
when really,
I go onto my bed and lay,
all I think about is how to fade away,
tears escaping my eyes,
rolling down my skin,
struggling within,
how can I live if I want to die?
And so I end this poem with a deep sigh.

-------------------------- ------

Broken inside,
tears crawling down my soft, warm skin,
thinking of the times,
times we were together,
times we talked to each other,
loved,
cared,
all gone down the drain,
my fault,
I know,
always my fault,
right now, I feel so cold,
cold and dead, inside my head,
death, I stink of,
yet still breathing,
breathing the air, the air around me,
I ask myself, why did I let you leave?
I loved you, still do,
with all my heart, but it's torn apart,
broken and shattered,
neglected and battered,
I feel so worn out,
so tired,
what else is there to do,
when almost everything is dead inside of you,
tears race down my cheeks,
blood drips down me,
but as far as I can see,
I am dead as can be,
but still breathing,
the air around me,
I want you back,
your name is Jake,
I think of you when I awake,
waking from a dream about me and you,
but now that's down the drain too,
no more me,
no more you,
not anymore,
we can't be,
can't be 'we',
can't be 'us',
I feel so lost,
without you, I wonder,
I wonder who,
who am I?
With you I believed I was something,
but now I think who am I?
Just a girl, a thing infact,
a thing which cuts herself,
destroys herself,
tortures,
kills,
yet still breathing,
not dead yet,
just broken and bruised,
bleeding and all the time,
I always loose,
I want you back Jake,
I thought your heart belonged to me,
but everyone else left,
and just like them, you did too,
thinking won't help,
just makes it worse,
but just know one thing,
I love you,
with all my heart,
and I want you back,
I'm sorry for what I am,
how I am,
who I am,
but Jake, know this,
I love you,
forever and ever,
and ever,
and ever...

-------------------------- -------

Drinking the alcohol,
dizziness occurs,
slur of speech,
the water runs down my cheeks,
tear by tear, they crawl,
knowing what I know,
my heart torn into pieces,
my soul has been ripped,
because I loved you,
all of this happening in the same night,
how can I take this?
I feel like I'm going to fall,
and never get back up again,
the tears pouring uncontrollably now,
and I start drinking more,
then knocks at the door,
'leave me alone', I shout,
the knocks disappear,
running to my room,
crying in my pillow,
soaking it with the water pouring from my eyes,
asleep I fall,
waking up,
dizzy and sick,
hurting inside,
with all the lies,
flooding my mind,
I stand up,
walk downstairs,
turn on my music,
and cry,
Why does everyone want to hurt me so bad?
What did I do?
Why do I always lose?
My heart has been torn,
too many times,
my mind has been messed with,
so far I don't want to live,
my body can't take much more,
it's like battling a war,
I fall to the floor,
tears dripping,
eyes swollen and red,
nose blocked,
mind is clouded,
heart is shattered,
standing up and sitting on this chair,
wondering how long I'll last till,
I'm at deaths bed,
perfectly still,
stone cold,
ghostly pale,
dead.

-------------------------- ------

Staring,
breathing,
planning,
thinking.

I'm living life,
living till I die,
death coming soon,
this time, I lose.

Biting,
chewing,
my nails,
scratching,
itching,
the scars that'll never heal.

Soul and heart,
both broken,
tears shredding,
mind shattering,
I'm fading away.

Grabbing the rope,
snatching the pills,
finding the blade,
and everything that kills.

Swallowing the pills,
tightening the rope,
slicing my wrists,
with the metal.

The blood drips,
my eyes bloodshot,
it didn't take so long,
I lie on the floor,
and I'm gone,
forever,
and ever.

I'm gone now,
the burden disappeared,
you can all lead a better life now,
not a person to shred a tear,
smiles all around,
when my death is found.

-------------------------- ------

She used to be healthy, she used to be so pretty and just right. But anorexia taken her. Forever. She used to love food. But then she got obsessed with her body. She began to see herself as fat. Ugly. Disgusting. Filthy. She began to obsess over the food, checking the calories, soon, restricting her calories to about 500 a day, if that. Then she started lowering it more, and exercising to beyond the point of exhaustion. She began to lose weight drastically, but she didn't stop, she carried on, she couldn't stop. Lowering and lowering, exercising and exercising, sometimes she would become dehydrated and end up passing out. She hated food. She hated it so much that she began making herself sick when she had finished eating. She would feel better after, knowing the calories are out of her. As the days, weeks, months went by, it all began to show. The effects. Everything that anorexia was doing to her. Her bones began sticking out, she was so skinny and you can never ever see a smile upon her face. Fainting became her new hobby. Cramps aswell. All over her body. Her hair so thin and she has bald patches, where her gorgeous, wavey, soft and silky blonde hair used to be. The smile which used to go from ear to ear has disappeared, replaced with tears. She shivers even with the sun shining on her body. She can't even stand by herself anymore. She has to hold herself up by hanging onto doors, furniture and leaning against walls. She's had to drop out of school because she can't concentrate, can't work, can't do anything at school anymore. She lays in her bed, or she paces around, counting in her head how many times she can walk back and fourth. Sometimes when she tries to run, or jog, she will fall down. What about food? Where does food come in to this? It doesn't. That's not an option anymore. It has too many calories in it. To her that'd be like suicide. The end of the world. Water is her only survival option. After all, it has no calories, no fat, none of that stuff she's no longer aloud. She has scars on her body where the skin was torn by a razor blade. She began to cut herself, maybe because she thought she could cut away the fat, or maybe because her feelings were too overwhelming, she just wanted an outlet. She has bruises where she has banged herself from falling over. She has needle marks from being in hospital, having fluids pumped into her, because for a while, she began to think water even had calories. But she had no choice but to drink water, she needed to survive, she needed some energy. She's had food stuffed down her through a tube. She's had heart flutters. Her teeth are rotting away because she hasn't got any calcium. Her body is weakening because she hasn't got any nutrients, vitamins, protein, or fiber in her. She has no food to survive on. She's wasting away. Her body is failing, and she is hanging onto life by a thread. All because of anorexia.

-------------------------

I love you like the waves gently splashing on the sand, peacefully revealing the sound.
I love you like the mist covering the mountains, with the sky in the background painted a deep sea blue.
I love you like a rose revealing it's beauty, the aroma awakening senses within the nose.
I love you like a sun shining brightly down onto the ocean, the reflection blurred from the waves.
I love you like a leaf dropping from it's tree, flying from the whistling wind blowing softly.
I love you like the roots in the ground creating a magnificent flower, slowly transforming into petals of beauty.
I love you like the snow falling onto the ground, glistening from the suns warmth.
I love you like a rainbow showing within the distance after showers of ray.
I love you like the fire burning on a cold winters night, glowing the room with heat.
I love you like dolphins jumping out of the sea, releasing their soothing sound.

-------------------------

Alone

Do you ever feel so alone?
That tears fall,
as you watch others laugh,
wishing you could be,
just like that,
but realizing,
it'll never come true.

Do you ever feel so alone?
That everyday you pray,
for someone to kill you,
or to fade away,
rather than live this life,
astray.

Do you ever feel so alone?
That all it ever is,
is you, yourself, all on your own,
that even if someone comes along,
you feel so cold and so alone.

Do you ever feel so alone?
That even in a crowded room,
you feel you have no one,
even with voices speaking,
all around you,
you feel so empty,
so lonely.

Do you ever feel so alone?
That at night,
you curl up,
wishing to fade away,
rather than to feel this,
loneliness and pain.

-------------------------- ----

The first day

Resisting was hard,
but the temptations soon disappeared,
I drowned them in liquid,
for the hunger to leave.

As the hours went by,
exercising, I did,
for hours on end,
for the fat, the calories to rid.

As night soon came,
I fell fast asleep, with only one sound,
a stomach growling,
but a proud mind.

The second day

Waking in hunger,
a monster in my stomach,
stepping out of bed,
with dizziness surrounding.

Arriving downstairs,
I peek in the fridge,
the food awaits,
but I won't let it win.

Exercises, I do,
repetitively and more,
stopping for water,
but returning,
regardless I'm sore.

That evening my mum returns,
asks 'Want to come food shopping'?
I think about it for long,
and decide to come along.

Looking and staring,
all around me,
the temptations of food,
I wish they'd leave.

Returning home,
putting the food away,
trying to resist,
to bed I astray.

Sleeping with the hunger,
my heart beating fast,
shaking, my hands,
the day is over,
at last.

Day three

Awake, I am,
stepping out of bed,
falling to the floor,
the dizziness took over,
grabbing to the door,
pulling myself up,
I take a deep breath,
and prepare myself,
for the day ahead...

-------------------------- --

She is the girl,
who cries her eyes out,
her heart torn apart,
and when she thinks it's a new, fresh start,
it's shortly a torturing end,
with no fixing mend.

She is the girl,
who wishes to be loved,
to be cared about,
to be hugged,
to be held,
not to be abandoned,
left to the cold.

She is the girl,
who loses control,
she fills her stomach,
with poison,
she bleeds,
she starves,
she sees,
that shes worth nothing.


She is the girl,
who has a temper,
who will yell, and shout,
and she wont remember,
much if anything,
that she has done,
but she will apologize,
even though her anger has won.


She is the girl,
who is called names,
she cries for hours,
wishing she could fade away,
the bullies, they know,
they hurt her so.

She is the girl,
who wishes to die,
every second of the day,
and she lives a life,
full of lies,
covering up her secrets,
she just wishes to say goodbye.


She is the girl,
who has gave up hope,
who has gave up faith,
who has gave up,
everything she believed,
she wishes to leave,
to be dead,
and that girl,
is me.

-------------------------- -------

Alone under this abandoned, old tree,
the leaves dropping one by one,
as my tears do when I'm left alone,
when someone close to me leaves,
I wonder if this tree cries just like me.


Laying in the grass now,
I see a butterfly,
it flutters around me,
I imagine my Nan,
she loved them dearly,
I wonder if she can see me,
I wonder what she'd be thinking,
whether she would be proud,
or whether she would be mad.


Walking down a street,
with others around, joyful and happy,
I'm the odd one out,
with a frown instead of a smile,
alone is what I'm destined to be,
or so it seems.


I arrive home,
walking up these stairs,
and into my room,
I lay on my bed, thinking,
I wonder if this is how my life was planned,
alone, abandoned,
I scream so loud,
but it falls among deafened ears,
I cry so much,
but they don't see the tears.


I want someone to take my hand,
to never let go,
I want someone to love and care,
and never stop,
I want someone to hold me,
to never leave,
I want someone to stay,
and never leave me astray.