View Full Version : Anger


Asylum
02-03-10, 11:51 AM
So. . . superstressed was talking about journalling to help with 'getting it all out,' and because i'm selfish and think its about me, i started to think about how i can't 'get my anger out' / 'let it go' or whatever you want to call it.
I do journal and have for years when it was suggested to me. It doesn't help. I've tried the other things that have been suggested to me as well but nothing seems to let it out - and i'm not even sure what that means. I know its not supposed to be good to be angry all the time, but i have no idea how NOT to be angry. I have no idea what it would even feel like to not to be angry. Its 2am in the morning and i'm alone and i can feel the anger sitting in my chest even now! Its suffocating me. So i'm asking for suggies.
I've done the counselling thing. I've seen psychs. As a result of that I have no respect for them, they do nothing. I can sit in a chair and look bored and make sarcastic comments to. Am a natural, in fact. I just can't get paid for it.
I'm in my 30's now and i seriously worry i'm going to have a heart attack or get cancer, because we get told that's what happens to angry people, right? I worry i'm going to crash my car when i drive too fast or never get to trust or love anyone again for the rest of my life, but i don't know how to be not me.
Meditation doesn't work. Physical work helps some, short term. I twitch at night and i hate everyone.
I used to have horses and a small property. I didn't live there or anything, it was a paddock on my parents place. It was my whole life, fencing and cleaning stables and brushing my horses. I'm a real horse person and its hard for non horsey people to understand that. But my family is gruesome and there were so many problems. I hung on to that place like grim death and battled with them every step, and i remember one afternoon i went and sat in my car and i really thought i was going to have a heart attack - it wasn't just anxiety or palpatations, it still scares me to think of the way I felt. Anyway I realised at some point a couple of years ago i just couldn't do it anymore. Up untill then i didn't think i could feel any more hurt than i did all the time, but in that moment my heart just broke and i cried like i never had before. I hung on to the place for awhile, but long story short, called an end to it.
So, now, i no longer have horses. I'm on disability and can't afford it. A huge hunk of me just curled up and died, I can't even think about horses now, and have shut off a great deal. But, the anger's still there. I think it will kill me or, more likely, just make my life miserable and bitter when i should be living it better.
Anyway i'm babbling and will go to bed now.

Asylum
02-04-10, 12:25 AM
I wrote all this **** down, and now i'm paying for it. I thought i was going mad and a very nice dr gave me valium. i should have kept my mouth shut:rolleyes: