Joan I just spent the better part of an hour writting a piece to answer better the questions I raised in the One day at a time thread. Then the editor I was using crashed mercilessly. I lost the whole thing. You don't feel the pain a bit I'm betting! That's what I get for running an operating system that is less than a month old. (Fedora core2)

I have lost the primary requirement for membership in AA. I realise that this might be anathema to others recovering. I'm not endorsing my actions as sane. Very simply it's the best I can do. The requirement is that I have a desire to stop drinking and I don't have that any more.

I've lost respect and trust in rule sets. I practise my program intensely every day for I have found few flaws in the suggestions contained in AA literature.

I'm getting back on my feet rapidly now and I feel the momentum comming along wonderfully. I was suicidal last fall. I've written elsewhere about the progress and the starting points.

My saddest thoughts are that I won't be of any use to AA unless I die drunk and or miserable.

I've drawn my wife Pierrette and my kids into the discussion. My sponsor and other group members have been consulted. After 14 years of clean and sober I have lost the requirements.

I have also been doing some trials with cannabis. It renders meditation redundant but has other more positive side effects too. I'm not convinced it's all evil. My family is involved and knows what I'm doing. It's an ongoing discussion as things change on several fronts.

I'm overwhelmed by the feeling that as best I can, I must remain alert to all choices regardless of the rules. Not that I need to act on them all. Just that I need to be conscious of the choices. I don't believe I have the strength to pull out of another situation like I was in last fall. I feel like I've been asleep for a long time. The meds, the workouts and my beloved coach and my willingness are responsible for big changes. Being here hasn't hurt at all either! I feel I have friends here.

The last time I was this strong it took two years to build up to it. Now I've been rolling upward strongly since the middle of February with no sign of breakdown in the system and no signs of stress to me personally. The anxiety from the Dexedrine aside. The household is a little bent. Pierrette may be sick and goes in for tests on Thursday. The balance of power is changing now that I'm waking up and becoming so much more assertive. The kids are making my life a pleasure. They like what's going on. Pierrette is distracted and terrified. She's not opposed to my actions just scared. I was born an Aberdeen and Scottish back through both sides as far back as you care to look. Pierrette and I took Timshel as our name when we married. It's from John Steinbeck's East of Eden. It's the central thesis of the book. Timshel means thou mayest and that's been our practise with our union going on 19 years now.

Self care is on the rise. People are noticing and enjoying the differences in me. I'm buoyed by the kids response. Wish it wasn't so late and the first draft wasn't gone.

If anyone thinks it inappropriate for me to be moderating this forum please speak to an administrator.

Cheers! Ian.