First let me say I am sorry I haven't been on here more often. I don't have much time these days at all, especially for the internet.

I don't know if you remember, but last August I was all excited because I was finally going to college. I am in an accelerated business college, studying Graphic Design. It is full time Monday through Friday, 8am to 2pm. You dress business like, the whole nine yards. The only good thing is that you basically have the same two teachers and are in the same group of people all the time. And I have come to find out that alot of the people here are either ADHD or just think out side of the box so the teachers know what to expect and understand a lil better. (one teacher is ADHD himself!)

I did great the first four semesters (each semester is 2 months long.) I was still in the running for perfect attendance (under 10 hours missed) and had a G.P.A. of 3.97. The only problem is that it took all I had to get that and many late late hours at school. I never seem to be able to finish my work as fast as everybody else does, even though they like my work. My teachers say they say I have talent, but they are worried about me with deadlines, becuase even though the dedication is there....a deadline is a deadline.

The problem is now, I had to get a part time job to keep up with bills, which means I miss out on my after school time, and I cannont afford a Mac computer at home. And they have also cut the hours you can stay in the computer lab because the school is closing earlier. I am getting so stressed,and I am tired all of the time. Between work, school and driving time (I live an hour away from my school and work) I don't have any time to myself anymore. And when I get home I am expected to help with housework too. I am working 25+ hours a week. I am having a hard time getting up in the morning and being to school on time. Every three days you are late equals one absence and if you are 15+ minutes late it is an absence. I also was sick a few days this semester. It is so bad that not only am I NOT going to get the attendance award, but have gotten a warning about my attedance. If I miss much more, I can get kicked out. And as for my G.P.A.... I will be lucky if I pass one class, and there is no way I will get anything more than a C for two others. My teachers keep asking me for work I haven't turned in yet, and I just don't know what to do or how I will get it done. The school doesn't have any counselors here I can talk to either. A friend of mine (non ADDer) keeps telling me how this person and that person had a full time job plus went to school full time and made the Dean's list. I know he is trying to help by showing me other people can do it, but he is just making me feel worse because I CANT do it. Not for lack of trying though.

I feel like all my hard work and everything I have literally fought for has just went down the tubes this past two semesters. The graphic design field here is very competitive and I lost alot by messing up this semester. My parents are barely speaking to me because of finances...my mom even turned in her retirement because of my bills. So now that I have gotten so far into debt and fought to stay in school, I messed it all up.

I am also having fights with friends, the very few I have left. I feel like I am drowning and don't know how to get back up on top. Has anybody else felt that way? What did you do?

I would love to find a Doctor and try meds, but I don't have the money.

Thanks for listening.

Tina

I began by seeing a doctor. I don't know how you make that happen in a place with as little compassion as yours seems to have for healthcare.

Next I'd have to thank the meds (Dexedrine in my case) for offering a window of reprive to begin the long road of healing. Once I was functioning again and not thinking about cashing in my chips early, I began to work-out. That has evolved since the middle of February to including stretching and a general care for my body. This has extended into food, but not sleep. < g >

The physical load bearing of a stiff workout four and five times a week has become my anchor. It's created time in huge quantities to be much more productive. Of course without double blind trials or some such this is all just speculation from a rank amateur. There does seem to be some consensus that getting fit helps. At least it's something that doesn't cost anything or require anyone else to be involved.

The meds seem to be quite effective in my case. I hear your pain loud and clear. Last October I was there. This place has been key to establishing relationships that have helped carry me through some of the tough spots.

I cling to my work-out time like it's a life line. The consistency and commitment for me represent a choice of life or death. Sounds overly dramatic maybe but I was a long way down a very dark road. I like it here, the path is well lit.

Strength to you. I can't think how to send you a big old hug but I'll hope your imagination is favourably predisposed.

Please keep in touch. Ian.
:sad:

I know this thread is from last year but I have to talk b/c this is very much how I feel right now as well Tina. I scored in the top 2% for iq,(yes yes, I know, IQ means nothing, I read that thread somewhere in these forums, I'm aware of its limitations, but I performed extremely well even though my therapist warned me that I should wait to take it when I was calmer, she did the testing directly after my sessions with her and that pretty much meant I was in complete tears. I tend to do very well on tests period typically. I feel that it does , however, indicate that I don't have overly 'high expectations' about my ability and my sense that I'm working below potential. David Wechsler Adult scales 165) I recieved awards in school when I was in junior high and I was in every advanced placement class you could get into for highschool.(except for math, I didn't even take geometry and somehow I managed to graduate w/out that credit) I was clinically deppressed at the time as I suffered from tremendous issues with my family and I was suicidal. Needless to say, this prevented me from achieving my potential. I just wanted to sleep and I hated being around people. My junior in highschool I moved from Germany to Texas (I'm an army brat) to finish off highschool and b/c my mother couldn't 'handle' me anymore b/c I had run away so often. This is when I met my husband and we fell in love. I moved away from Houston within a year of meeting him to Austin and we moved in together. I've never regretted that. I love him dearly. I started school after taking a year or two off, I went to community college in Austin. A lot of my friends were telling me at the time two things: 1) don't bother with community college, you're not going to thrive there, you will much more challenged appropiately at a university...2) go to community college so you can take your basics and move into university.
I went the community college route. I would start every semester with brimming hope, the semester being shiny and brand new. I scored well on all my tests in school, but I could never meet deadlines without the excruciating emotional process of feeling like a failure, trying hard to write papers over and over and over again...then I would think, maybe I just need to drink some wine! Maybe if I smoke a joint! Then I'll be able to write this paper! I didn't realize at the time that I had ADHD. I found it particularly difficult to arrange my thoughts in chronoligical or logical order for the flow of a simple composition course. All my hard work of course, was to no avail. During this time I was excercising a lot, weight lifting, aerobics, jogging..I was very fit. I was also working full time. I waited tables five shifts a week or more. In the middle of the semester I would be in despair. The semester seemed to stretch forever into the future. I would feel utterly unmotivated and waiting tables, as stupid as it sounds I only felt successful waiting tables. I started a mentoring program for new employees, I was a head trainer, a head waiter and a caterer. Things started falling apart I couldn't do school anymore..I had dropped out of so many classes, even forgetting to officially drop and recieved full semesters of F's. I quit my job impulsively and angrily b/c I thought my boss was a jerk. I made great money for a 22 yr. old waiting tables, and as a matter of fact after transferring from one restaurant to another I never managed to make as much money as I did originally until my job currently, I got married had a baby and stopped working after I had my son. I didn't know it but I had postpartum deppression.
After that we moved back to Houston and I languished in my mother in law's for about a year as our house was built.
A few years later and I thought YES now I am ready to get back into school
I started my meds for the first time this past winter and they have improved my life dramatically. But I seem to lapse, it seems like I am seeing piles of clothes next to my bed again, my car is a desperate mess also, and although I am making A's in my TWO classes ( i won't dare take more b/c of the stress) I am finding myself losing faith.
My composition class I can just hammer out, so I decided to do that online for convenience sake, why not? I had dropped it three times after taking almost half the course. Thats fine. But now I have to work all day at my full time blood draining sales job, commute for three hours a day, go to school two nights a week right after work, and do homeowork almost every night for the rest of the week.

Last night I was absolutely in despair b/c I simply do not know how I'm going to keep up with this. I'm burning my candles at both ends, I won't even fix my hair (it still looks good though b/c i just let it down instead of doing anything high maintenance)
I look ok dressing wise b/c its hard to go wrong with the stuff I have, which is why I bought it in the first place. So I don't have to freak out when I get dressed.
I cried before I went to class b/c I couldn't figure out the ONE logic problem our proffessor had assigned us.
This is the first time in my life that I have been almost completely clueless and I don't know what to do. I understand all the concepts. I just didn't know how to start on the problem.
Last night he gave us two more problems. I spent about ten pieces of paper, scrawling profusely, trying to discover some pattern and reason in my brain in total vain
and I just gave up.
thats my problem.
When things get even remotely hard and a bit stressful I'm ready to lay down and die.
I wanted to drop both my classes immediately and I was panicking. I can see scenes of me being at my current job (well paying drudgery) or just forgoing work and staying at home with my children and just reading whatever I want to read. I am shooting for an anthropology degree. I just feel so hopeless
All the people in my logic class act as if it would be impossible for me to not understand whats going on. But I can't ask a lot of questions b/c the others dominate the time in class and I find myself after raising my had in total freeze mode...I start talking and I speak so rapidly and my voice grows tinier and tinier and everyone is turning their head to me in the back row of the classroom and I just end up trailing off...b/c its just too much.

I'm afraid that I'll drop out again. This would be devestating. Everyone in my family and at work knows I just restarted school and they're all so emotionally supportive and excited for me. But they just don't know how hard its going to be for me to finish ONE class for a full semester. They cannot see how I cannot do that. They don't know why I can't. They know I have ADHD but that just means I'm fidgety, absentminded, forgetful and messy right? Nothing that would prevent me from fitting into a classroom setting and timescale right?
I'm distressed. I cried myself to sleep last night.
I took two tylenol PM's and put myself to sleep.
This suckssssss

Mary

dear mary,

I just wanted to say thankyou for your post. While i must admit that i didnt read the whole thing (i have trouble reading long entries, i tend to skip around) What i did read hit home. I just joined the form today.

I've been having the same problem and it scares the hell out of me. I always did so well in highschool because my teachers cut me slack. my iq is around 133...i dropped out last semester and i have missed 3 weeks this semester. im still working on my second semester of college. I feel like im drowning in discontenment. I never finish my assignments. I feel like the whole world is moving on without me and im stuck in a classroom learning what a noun is. Its driving me crazy because if i could just focus and smack myself in line, im sure id be an "A" student.

I work with someone who has a class with me...he constantly teases me about not going, and my parents expect so much more from me. They blame it on me going out and having fun, but thats not it.

I cant really give you any advice on the matter, considering i havent licked the problem myself, all i can tell you is that you're not alone. I also have bipolar dissorder aswell, maybe there is another underlying problem with you too. You may want to check into it. Best of luck to you.

Sincerly,
Kelly

thanks kelly.
i've gone to therapy for a total of 6 years probably and with great results -in that i've found docs that are extremely helpful and insightful and they're just what i need as far as untangling my head...
i definitively DO NOT have bipolar..
i am emotional and i do have struggles with deppression

but i was so paranoid that i had some 'MAJOR' disorder beyond deppression and adhd that i my therapist went over the dsmv with me to argue how i didn't have anything else...
my father is a paranoid schizophrenic- growing up with that undiagnosed issue
is enough for me to be paranoid...

but i'm not.
and i'm glad..

kelly
i hope that you find some help to get you through this..