how many others go and do something then tell the wife or sig. other waht you did or wait tell they find out and confront you.

Today I went and got the windows tinted in my car (didn't tell the wife I was going today and it cost twice as much as we thought it would) I am not looking forward to telling her what it cost.

She may not mind I went today but she would have liked to have known.

This is a problem I have. I like to do things and tell latter, because I don't want to hear her tell me we don't need that... Blah Blah blah.

Basicly are we all:
self centered
selfish
arigent (sp)
disassociated
hearing impared
bad spelling
disorganized
frustrated
hard headed
never defeated in an argument
...
people or is it just me?

Personally, I have the opposite problem. Me and the wife can agree that something needs doing, and I'll want to do it, and I won't. Like right now, I'm looking at the pop cans and assorted garbage at the computer desk that I told her I'd clean up yesterday, and again today. And somehow not being able to get started.

It's been a constant through my life. As I've been posting everywhere, I got diagnosed with AD/HD less than a month ago, and have yet to get any medication or treatment. I sought treatment because, after 2 years of not working at my undergrad degree despite my own love of the field (I read books in it for fun outside school), my need to succeed to get our family off the ground, and my intense hatred of disappointing my wife, I still couldn't get myself going. Still, I managed a 3.45 GPA, but I managed that when writing most of my Honours-level papers 2-3 days before they were due. Which was a step up for me, believe it or not.

Alex, I have that problem, too. My wife will tell me to do something, I'll say yes, dear, and then not do it. I (almost) always mean to do it, but not until I finish this book, computer game, TV show, etc. But by then I'm already doomed, because I forgot about what I was supposed to do.

In reference to the thread topic, I always heard it was easier to obtain forgiveness than permission... :D

This is just my best thinking on the subject (one I know well).

Forgiveness is easier to get than permission. That is how it has worked in my marriage for 20 years. But guess what? The forgiveness eventually runs out. My 20 -year marriage will probably be over soon.

But you also should not ask "permission". Permission and forgiveness forces the relationship into a parent/child situation. This is really bad for a relationship.

Ideally you could just discuss it. In fact, preface the discussion with a comment like: "Hey honey, you know how sometimes I am impulsive and do things without discussing them?" "I am trying to stop doing that." "But I also do not feel that it is fair to you to put you in a position of me asking permission to do something." "I would like to just discuss things." "We may disagree and I may decide to do it anyway, but I want to know your opinion so we can stop playing little games with each other." "Will you agree to that?" "Okay then, I want to discuss something." "You remember how much we wanted to get the windows tinted? I just found out it costs a good bit more. But I think it is still worth it, what do you think?"

Then she will agree or not. If she disagrees with you, you can say "Thanks for letting me know what you think." "I'm going to think about it and I will let you know what I decide before I do it."
Then you have to decide what you will do. If you come back to her and say "I thought it over and decided this is too expensive", you will be a hero. If you come back and say "I know you disagree, but this is something I really want and I am going to do it anyway - the next big expenditure can be something you want." She may still be ****ed, but at least she will respect you more.

how many others go and do something then tell the wife or sig. other waht you did or wait tell they find out and confront you.



Today I went and got the windows tinted in my car (didn't tell the wife I was going today and it cost twice as much as we thought it would) I am not looking forward to telling her what it cost.



She may not mind I went today but she would have liked to have known.



This is a problem I have. I like to do things and tell latter, because I don't want to hear her tell me we don't need that... Blah Blah blah.



Basicly are we all:

self centered

selfish

arigent (sp)

disassociated

hearing impared

bad spelling

disorganized

frustrated

hard headed

never defeated in an argument

...

people or is it just me?





Hello all! This is my first post here and I'm glad I found the board. Being almost 28 years old I've lived with these frustrating circumstances as far back as I remember (remember, what a joke). What finally set up off enough to post was the list above. With the exception of arrogent and selfish, I fit this bill perfectly. Especially the parts about never being defeated in an arguement (just ask my wife lol).

It seems seems that my ADD symptoms have become worse over time but the more I think about it, the job/lifestyle have evolved into something that brings these symptoms into the forefront. Though I've never been diagnosed, I can relate to so many of the posts in these many threads. It's almost an eeire mirror image.

Anyway, back to the topic, I've handled this issue a number of ways through out life. As a child, I worked hard to master the craft of clandestine operations. Should I ask to do something, the answer was normally "no". But I had to do it. I WANTED TO DO IT. I NEEDED TO DO IT!!! So I did it and did my best to conceal the evidence lol. Once out of the house and on my own responsibility, I found doing or not was more a matter of means an availability rather than someone telling me no. If I had the means, I did it. I'm not sure if that had more to do with ADD or more to do with being single!

Now that I've been married for a little over 3 years, my wife and I have achived a delicate balance of yes and no. If I want to do something, buy something, ect, the answer is "Yes if you think we have the means to do so". Fortunately or not, with age has brought something of a sense of responsibility I don't remember having before. So she leaves it to me do decide if I can do something or not. While my wife isn't ADD, she seems to understand the impulses and longing. The flip side is that if she wants something, I don't say no. Only fair right? The catch is that we try to manage our wants by containing them within our means.

So I guess in summary, it depends on your situation. In mine, I ask knowing a positive response is waiting. She answers knowing the question is, for the most part, reasonable.

-Bryan

Sounds like such an impulse control issue... Tough problem too. Fortunately, I manage to keep this aspect fairly well under control. The meds help. I have actually gotten in more trouble for fibbing about circumstances that have gotten out of hand than "doing now and telling later".

An example would be a recent anxiety issue I had. I couldn't make myself call my second job, and had told the wife I would stop in, in person on a given day. Only I couldn't do that either. This was the result of an ill advised attempt to ween myself off my anxiety meds. When the wife confronted me with questions about "How it went?" I fibbed. Facing her with my fears was just too much. Needless to say, I got caught. I rarely fib about anything. Rarely to the point of being compulsively honest (OCD manifests in some weird ways).

I guess the key thing here is, that while I certainly understand the difficulty, ADD doesn't absolve us of our responsibility to others insofar as our actions directly or indirectly affect them. What can be worked on (IE controlled) needs to be, and that which is truly out of our control needs to be worked around. Having a supportive spouse can go a long way in rectifying these sorts of problems. That and an honest eye for what can, and can't be controlled. In working around the problems you can't immediately fix, your native ADD creativity, and that supportive spouse can be the lifesavers. Maybe, for example, your problem is impulse buying? Having your spouse handle the money (meaning one check book, and one ATM card, and any credit cards all in his/her hands), and budgetting an allowance that is "blowable" without causing undue financial strain. I do this simply because I have spent so much of my Navy career gone, and having two people with spotty, at best, communications drafting off the same account just doesn't work. LOL! A plan like that above, allows for your impulsive nature and even allows you to act on it a bit, without harming the interests of others. It also gives the spouse the sense that you truly do care because you are sacrificing some independence of action to ensure their security. It's just a thought, and there are many other ideas that could be tried for various "issues", but in the end the responsibility rests with us to correct destructive behaviors, or neutralize them.

If I may peek my head in here (I saw this bec. I always click "view new posts"):

Just FYI: I'm a "do-then-reap-the-wrath" person, too.

This is at work, home, the stores, wherever; and, has gotten me in plenty of trouble at work.

Luckily, I am married to a Phlegmatic husband who may get disgusted, but just shakes his head. (Read Your Personality Tree by Florence Littauer - great reference in learning about the 4 basic temperAments).

That list matches me pretty well. In my case, it's not so much impulsiveness as resentment and passive-agressiveness. Ah, life is so complicated.

Definitely DO, then tell for me!

I catch hell for it all the time too, but it just seems easier. :)

Brent

I just saw Serena's post so I'd like to weigh in as another lady on the issue ...

like her, I'm a "do-and-then-tell" type generally - at least at work - but I'd like to give BIG UPs to Chazinmo for his approach, b/c that's very close to what my sweetie and I do when things work out. And my sweetie is totally my hero when we work it that way. And we both do it; it's not just good advice for guys only... (we want to stay your princesses too :))

Thats me!!!! I always expect out of others what i dont expect from myself. For example if i want something i usually get it, but if my girlfriend would want something i would want her to ask first.

I myself am not hard headed at atll.. I think is more a person to person thing, I'm a softy and my gf's hard headed. She does the do then ask for forgiveness later, which I normally don't have too much of a problem with but I know I have to do that or I never get what I want. I think as long as you don't push your limits to hard and keep it to the smaller stuff it should be ok.