View Full Version : sigh


waywardclam
06-16-04, 02:42 PM
When I've fought with my wife
Every day, for a week
And it seems like this never will change

Is that depression?

When the collection agencies call
Every day for a week
And it seems like this never will change

Is that depression?

When SUVs drive past me
Every day of the week
And we have to give up our crappy old car
Because we can't afford it anymore

Is that depression?

When I drop off resumes
Every day for a week
And it seems like I never get called back

Is that depression?

When I've missed seven doctor's appointments
To get my ******* head examined
And find out whether or not I am depressed

Is that depression?

jaimegerise
06-16-04, 03:12 PM
Clam, dear...I think that's depression..and MORE. Or maybe that's all causing depression...ack I dunno.

Clam, are you ok?

waywardclam
06-16-04, 03:30 PM
Originally posted by jaimegerise
Clam, dear...I think that's depression..and MORE. Or maybe that's all causing depression...ack I dunno.

Clam, are you ok?

No, I'm really not.

But I don't know what I or anybody can do about it.

It seems like everywhere I go all I see is more and more things that tell me where I've screwed up and why I can't fix it, and I simultaneously feel like something is crushing me under its boot and I can't breathe and at the same time I feel like I am rushing forward on a roller coaster that goes faster and faster and I can't slow it down.

I really really appreciate you and everybody else at the forums here but I feel like there isn't anything any of you can do to help me. I feel like I am trapped in glass and you are all eyes outside staring in watching me die.

I feel like there are people who could make my life better, but they are never going to care. And the people who are destroying me don't understand or don't care.

Even my friends. My parents. My wife. Nobody seems to understand how bad it is. They assume because I can walk and talk and think (sort of) properly and I don't drink myself into a drunken stupor every day that I must be okay and able to cope with everything and get up and move on and succeed the same as everybody else does.

But I can't.

And I have to.

And what can I do about it? I have no hope. But I must continue on. Another round of resumes, another appointment with the doctor, another depressing poem written, another hour wasted on some "soft" escapism.

My dad told me that caffeine is not a "real" addiction. I have to accept he knows what he is talking about as he was a drunk for a decade. But I need something to ease the pain. Does the fact that I have been lucky or strong enough to avoid drugs and alcohol and cigarettes all my life mean that there is nothing wrong with me at all?

Can you go through withdrawal for something you have never had?

And I have to get my shyt together and go to work tonight too, and pretend that nothing is wrong or I will lose one of the few things that are keeping my life together right now.

What makes me think I may have bipolar is that this feeling happens to me periodically, and always goes away.

But again...

Am I depressed, or is my life just depressing?

jaimegerise
06-16-04, 03:40 PM
Clam, I don't remember, but what is your meds situation? Do you take any? and if so, what?

arg, me don't like to see the clam upset

remember you can't fix everything all at once, that's when it feels the most chaotic is when you try to do that...take baby steps towards the place you wanna be with anything....I'm here to talk if you need

Andrew
06-16-04, 05:29 PM
WWC...

Alot of what you're describing are also symptoms of Panic/Anxiety Disorder. You can find the criteria for PD at my site. It can be comorbid with ADD and/or Bipolar.

Hang in there, man. You're doing the right thing by expressing what's on your mind, and not internalizing it...like I do. I'm also experiencing and going through much of what you're experiencing.

Would be happy to talk/chat with you if you so desire.

Chin up, WWC.

Jeffrey
06-16-04, 06:16 PM
Clam, I second what Big said. Listen, you're doing the right thing by vocalizing what you're feeling, because it's the first step to understanding what's really going on in your head. Get it out there and then you can deal with it.

And yes, you might be depressed or manic depressive or panicing or anxious, but you CAN get better. It CAN change. But like Jaime said, it won't happen overnight. It takes time...you need to take small 'baby' steps and you need to hang on, because things will get better.

If you're you need someone to listen, just send me a message.

waywardclam
06-17-04, 12:36 AM
Ty guys. Once again, the worst of the storm has passed.

I am going to try to combat it with diet and exercise next. I find that a lot of times when I am bummed it is when I have low blood sugar and haven't had any exercise/sun/fresh air for a half a day or two. So from now on my own prescription when I am sad is a snack and a walk around the block a couple of times.

If I'm still depressed then, then I'll deal with it as I can...

waywardclam
06-17-04, 01:07 AM
Well now. Apparently the combination of the new forums plus this stupid Mac I am stuck on won't let me post new subjects or respond to PMs. So thanks everybody who answered me but apparently I can't answer you back privately. *sigh*

Yahoo Chat won't work for me either, and I can't get into my email accounts. grrrrrrr

Gonna go hang in the new forum chat for a bit instead...

Andrew
06-17-04, 08:50 AM
Hrmm...That is interesting. We obviously have nothing to do with Yahoo chat...Yahoo is having its own problems at the moment. Can you get into our chat room? If so, then Java is not your problem. Hrmm

Garry
06-17-04, 05:28 PM
Clam

Would you like a real computer

IBM CLONE type of puter

if so just ask

FlakeyGirl
06-17-04, 11:04 PM
^And the Nicest Guy Around Award goes to.......^

How are things WWC? It just occured to me that you might feel you have a better handle on things if you document them. What I mean to say is write things down in a little notebook or whatever works for you and look for patterns, triggers, reactions, etc. At least then, when you do eventually get the doctor appointment situation in hand, you'll have something to show.

Jeffrey
06-18-04, 12:16 PM
I agree. Keeping a journal is a great idea.

waywardclam
06-18-04, 01:17 PM
Things are better now... I just got my computer WORKING!!!!! Yayyyyy!

And thanks for the offer Garry! If you'd caught me 3 days ago I would have taken it!

Now all I have to do is find a job that doesn't involve working directly for the spawn of Satan himself...

jaimegerise
06-18-04, 01:54 PM
WOOHOO clammo!!! happy for ya!

Garry
06-18-04, 06:47 PM
Ok clam

I have about 5 computers sitting in the basement in various states of disasembly ,some with scuzzy drives and some with IDE ect

If you chang your mind let me know and I will bundle up enough parts for you to build a working puter and I will ship it to you

free gratis

waywardclam
06-18-04, 11:55 PM
Gee, Garry, where have all the OTHER friends as cool as you been all my life? :D

Garry
06-19-04, 12:59 AM
Theres also an altirer motive

If I give to you then I dont have to keep lookinbg at them and thinking I should fix them

they get given to me by people who upgrade and dont want them anymore

Jellybean
06-19-04, 02:28 AM
I am glad you're feeling better Clam!
Now is the time to get to those appointments while things aren't so bleak.

Dreameralive_sky
10-27-04, 08:20 AM
I think i have depression still now, maybe a mild one and like on and off thing. Sometimes i think i don have depression i feel normal, but sometimes when i am depressed, my world crush and i can bark at anyone for making the smallest mistake. Eg, the man forgotten/ intentionally did not give me a spoon when i pack take away dinner. I was so mad coz that means i have to use my spoon at home and have to wash a spoon only later. See how irritated i can get. I mean it is strange, depression on and off. But very disabling and damaging my life when it is "on". Sigh.

Draga
10-27-04, 08:53 AM
When I've fought with my wife
Every day, for a week
And it seems like this never will change

Is that depression?

Yes :(

When the collection agencies call
Every day for a week
And it seems like this never will change

Is that depression??

Sounds like my life...It is Depressing

When SUVs drive past me
Every day of the week
And we have to give up our crappy old car
Because we can't afford it anymore

Is that depression??

Dat Sucks!

When I drop off resumes
Every day for a week
And it seems like I never get called back

Is that depression??

That was me everday Looking for a JOB....but not getting one and I caused depression.

When I've missed seven doctor's appointments
To get my ******* head examined
And find out whether or not I am depressed

Is that depression??[/QUOTE]

Do Ya really Wanna know if Your depressed..Sounds like avoiding it. Everything You are going through...causes deoression..No doubt about it....but cheer up clammy baby.....It'll be Ok.....Life always seems to have a way of working itself out.