Seeing ourselveles with a distorted view makes life even harder than it already is. It is like trying to make good decsions with bad info . this can be so ingrained that no matter what others say(compliments), it is hard to beleive them. Oh, you might believe it on the surface but deep down, you explanary voice contradicts any good messages that might come in. So what I am asking is, how does a person deal with this distorted view of themselves? I kmow that there are probably a zillions answers to this, but i can handle a few hundred of these.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. :-) Look into it. It's about changing those negative thought patterns. Challenging the the Explanary voice, if you will. Takes time and effort, but it can be very effective.

Could you post a brief summary of cognitive behavioural therapy through your eyes, to quell the reluctance in me please E-boy?

Well, I'm no psychologist, but the theory is simple enough. The idea is that each of us has a CORE belief about ourselves and the world we inhabit. It is shaped by our experiences, our learning, and our inborn traits. For some of us, that core belief has a decidedly negative connotation such as, "I'll never amount to anything", or "No one could ever love anyone like me". When specific events occur in our lives we have initial reactions to those events. Everyone has what are termed "Automatic" or "Immediate" thoughts and those thoughts are run through a sort of filter composed of all our previous experiences and our core belief. So, if the event was you dropping an expensive piece of equipment given to you to examine by a friend, for example, and you had one of the above negative core beliefs, your initial immediate thought might be, "How clumsy of me! How stupid can I get!", or "So much for that friendship, he'll never trust me again now!". These thoughts are extremely distorted and do not necessarily reflect the realities of the world around us at all. Unfortunately, they influence our immediate emotional and behavioral reactions. The behaviors are usually what get us into trouble. It usually isn't until after this part of the "cycle" that we recognize we have "Read things wrong". Unfortunately by then the damage is done, and of course having just made the consequences worse we have just one more reason to believe the worst about ourselves...

CBT, or cognitive behavioral therapy, aims to break this cycle by utilizing techniques designed to make individuals aware of their core beliefs, and more importantly the role the play in those "Immediate thoughts". It also aims to make them aware of when those "immediate and automatic" thoughts are occuring and teaches individuals to question them. "Is it really the end of the world that I have dropped this item? It's just a thirty dollar instrument for pete's sake, I can surely pay for a new one for my friend without too much heartache." This is a much more realistic thought, and consequently the emotional and physical reaction to it will be greatly reduced. The end result, is less stress and anxiety and more situation appropriate behavior.

It doesn't work for everyone, nor in every situation, but it has been very effective for me in some ways. Small variations in habitual thought processes can lead to big dividends in overall self esteem and happiness.

That's it in a nutshell. There are other aspects of it like exposure therapy for anxiety and the like, but details of an individual's treatment depend entirely on their needs and their doctor's judgment along with their own.

Oh man.. I"ve got some work to do. Thanks. Ian.

I know what you are going through, but more from the layman's perspective... I find myself doing things like this when I am in competitions with people... I find myself subconsciously assuming that the other person is better than I am, and I must find some way to compensate.

This has been talked about in other places on the forums... I observed something like... people with ADD are often so concerned about measuring up to "good enough" that they don't realize that if they looked at the facts, they would find they are often in fact "far superior" in the areas they are concerned about...

Thanks for that post E-boy. It puts a whole new perspective on how negative reactions are imprinted and can be "unlearned". I've always thought my that poor self-esteem was more the result of growing up in an alcoholic household rather than my ADD. Perhaps my ADD was a form of escapism from the negative taunts and stormy environment.

Still over forty years later the voices in my head play over like a bad tape, trying to undermine my well being. I've made a conscious effort to drown them out however. We can attempt to react very practically to everyday experiences as E-boy suggests, or just turn on the negative auto-pilot. Happiness can be chosen more often than not, and I think that sense of well being and higher esteem is the result of it.

quiet tiger and any others, I wouldn't mind at all if you were to tell me more of your story regarding what measures you took to change some of those bad tapes. Obviously concrete measures and action are required. Did you make it up as you went along? Did you follow a prescribed set of guidelines? I'd be interested in what worked for you.

I'm going to have to address this very element as next on the list. Once I began to think about it I was quickly aware of just how loud the tapes are playing. I'm not happy to find myself in this spot but I best get at it. Getting down to it is so much better than the alternatives!

If you can or will, please flush out some of the details of your experience in healing this element of your self esteem. I was 45 years old last March. There is a wise crack in here somewhere about old dogs and new tricks and thought I should be the one to open the can of worms. :rolleyes:

Cheers! Ian.

In a nutshell Ian, I started to treat myself better. I did positive things for my health. I began to put myself first rather than last. And the better I felt the harder it was to drag me down again.

My role as the doormat didn't fit anymore. It was very strange to become a little more assertive. I came to the realization that turning the other cheek is not the way to go in every case. (Unlike my childhood years where I cowered in fear of being raged at.) When you do good, you'll feel good. Not only for yourself , but for your family and children. They deserve my happiness. It can really suck living life under a grey cloud. And even if some days are dark, they don't last forever.

P.S. I quit drinking altogether several years ago. Best thing that ever happened to me , ever!

Tiger,

It's not your ADD that makes you "that way".... It may well make you sensitive. Lord knows it makes me painfully sensitive and I'm the last guy you'd look at and think was sensitive. I'm on the large side and don't seem to fit people's image of the "sensitive type" whatever that is... So, folks meeting me for the first time sometimes find me intimidating, at least until I open my mouth anyway. LOL I'm about as threatening as a wet cat. ;-) Very people oriented. Somewhere along the line I ditched my social anxiety though there are still vestiges of it here and there.

I think that sensitivity, especially when we find ourselves in "difficult" situations, like an alcoholic family situation, or an abusive situation, or both or worse, makes it necessary for us to develop protective strategies for our own psychological well being. They may not seem like such great strategies now, but if you really think about it, they do have pay offs, and they were quite effective survival strategies at the time. Unfortunately, human brains, all human brains not just ADD ones, tend to automate frequent tasks. Even thought processes. So, it is quite possible, that the cognitive behavioral model has some merit. It has certainly helped effectively treat a large number of persons with disorders that were formerly considered treatable only with medications. I am speaking primarily of anxiety disorders. Unfortunately, as more has been learned, the early promise of this treatment has fallen a bit short in that department. It has by no means been discredited, it simply isn't the miracle cure it was once hoped to be. Considering the fact that anxiety disorders like OCD are nuerological in nature and fall into areas outside the cognitive areas of the brain this is unsuprising. CBT, nonetheless, remains a powerful tool in helping those with these disorders recover a sense of control, a feeling of hope, and a valuable tool they can apply at will that is more constructive than the ritualistic behavior that typically manifests with OCD.

In the case of ADD or ADHD the primary benefit of CBT is simply being able to recognize as an individual that you do have behaviors that are maladaptive whether you initially realize each specific one or not (group therapy is very useful for identifying many behaviors you may not even be aware of), that your bad self esteem is neither realistic nor helpful in making things better, and that thought processes that involve kicking yourself, berating yourself, or otherwise repeating the abuse you suffered at the hands of others throughout your life internally only brings back those feelings again influences thoughts towards the unrealistically catostrophic which in turn leads to more likely poor behavior decisions (something ADDers seem to have a reputation for).

I'd love to say I am "fixed" and that my life is a bed of roses now. It's not though. I deal with depression daily, anxiety seems to be making it's presence felt in new and different ways these days, and I still seem to "screw things up" a lot. However, something is different. I like me. Just the way I am. I never used to. I used to hate myself. Now I do things for me and when I improve myself, I feel good about it. I feel accomplished, and the self respect it generates makes me less of a rug too. I like what Quiet Tiger said about it because I think he put it just right. You sort of have to seek a little, a little of this, a little of that, a lot of self care, though not to the point of losing sight of responsibilities. The idea is to find yourself so you can hear those voices from the past and, in my case, say, "You know what Dad? You may think that, but I don't care because YOU'RE WRONG." When you have that, you don't need to defend yourself anymore. You just have to break a bad habbit. I know my father was wrong, but I still feel he was right just a little bit, so I have a little work to do yet. I'm getting there though.

Would it help you to know Ian, that in an odd sort of way, just having you guys to sort this out to makes it heaps easier for me? No one else in my family, either extended or immediate even believes any of this. The one exception would be my Aunt Micki, probably because she's the other "head case" in the family. She's also in Tennesee, so she's not the best source of immediate moral support. I also avoid speaking to her about it because the last time she was involved was because my spouse sent her a nasty e-mail (I have no idea why she did this), and this triggered a short term e-mail war between the two of them with my Aunt defending me (because she didn't think my wife was being very fair) and my wife swearing she'd never speak to the woman again.... SIGH!

E-boy,

Thank you for articulating that so well. My coping mechanism of choice has been and still is being able to zone. I can enter that state of mind and put everything to the wayside very easily. It's my personal belief that ADD and sadness are very interconnected though, and that's where the focus of my personal house cleaning has been directed. The zoning part has much to do with being able to concentrate and I like to think of that as a "good thing". There are no bad parts of anyone's personal make-up, just bad behavior. Whether or not this came about because of a crazy home environment, who knows?

It's important to learn how to become your own mentor. I always tended to react without thinking. The ADD mind goes at lightning speed for example, and doesn't give the censorship part of the brain time to assess what's going to roll off the tongue. It's a challenge at first, but new behavioral patterns can take a while to set in. If negative voices are allowed to jump into my thoughts, I slow everything down and let the internal coach talk some sense into my head. Not always does this work very effectively because patience is required. And it's certainly not easily done when someone is pushing your buttons. But each time "up at the plate" gives you more experience, and slowly our perspectives can be altered with the proper internal coach.

:) I really appreciate the things said in this thread. The tapes running in my head do indeed show me how little I think of myself. I even had to overcome the tape in my head that says "I will sound foolish if I reply" in order to write this. I am seeing my psychologist on Thursday and will definitly ask him about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Keep up the encouragment. Some one IS listening. Thanks

quiet tiger, it's apparent to me through your comments that I'm on the right track. It's just early yet I think and time may be the only thing required. Well that and staying the course at the least. Thanks for getting back to this.

Dan you make your case clearly enough for me to follow and personalise it so it sticks like glue. Thank-you.

I do realise that by posting you are helping yourself. I think it's an amazing resource to have the likes of the friends here whom are willing to risk telling the stories of vulnerability that drive me these days. To not be alone with some of my knowledge of the world is quite a powerful vector for change.

The sharing of resources like what you and others demonstrate frequently is also a huge bonus in helping me. One thing strikes me strongly today. There is much to be said for the phrase 'when the student is ready the master will come'. I had not seen very much evidence of the negative messages I am constantly selling myself until recently. In a rush as this thread has unfolded I'm seeing the tapes running everywhere I care to look. I'm not overwhelmed but it is a bit of a slap to see myself more clearly in light of all this.

I'm encouraged to know that over the last several months I have been buying little bits of self care out of the time and resources available to me. My skill level in addressing the negative thought is in it's infancy I think but I can smell and taste the good news. I've had strong drinks from that attractive pool as I reap the gains of a little more self appreciation.

I spent an hour or two reading out of a workbook today that called for a routine to help change those tapes. The book is called 'Living with ADD - a workbook for adults with attention deficit disorder by M. Susan Roberts, and Gerard J. Jansen. It's pretty simple stuff and provides me with a structure I don't have to think about too hard. I see my coach on Tuesday I think so I'll follow the CBT thang up with her then.

I've ridden horseback often this spring. I've been canoing. I've got a strong body to play with in the garden and or the other various projects around here that need my attention. I am so grateful to be a member here. I'll look into what's available in the city an hour north of us for group therapy regarding CBT. I would think that would be very interesting.

Cheers! Ian.

Well, E-boy has one interesting theory but I am not sure that this theory fits my situation. (Not knocking it, E-boy, whatever works for you…) If I have problems being negative about myself it is because of my tendency to be a frustrated perfectionist. I am not sure that all of this is related to ADD. I am INTP in the Myers-Briggs and some if this relates directly to those traits.

What I need is the ability to let things that are not perfect or correct go. Let things/people be wrong without commenting or stressing about it. That includes me too. I have to stop getting mad at myself for not being perfect or not getting everything done that I planned.

My problem is not that the inner voice is telling me I am not as good as the others. My problem is that it is telling me that I AM as good as they are. So I get upset when I don’t achieve all of the things that “normal” folks do.

When I got diagnosed my therapist told me to stop comparing myself to other people because you will never be the same as they are. This really hit home one day when I was having lunch with the girl who was number one in our law school class. I was struck by how many things she didn’t know about, even in the law. But, yet she was first in the class and I was…well closer to last than first. Silly as it seems, I took some small comfort in realizing that there are things that I am much better at than she is.

I think the key is to learn to forgive yourself for making mistakes. Everybody makes them but happy people, successful people brush it off and try to learn something from it. That’s what I am shooting for. I want to get to the point where I can just let my mistakes go like water off a duck’s back. But truthfully I don’t know if I will every fully be there.