View Full Version : I'm afraid soon they will "put me away"


lychweake
04-28-10, 02:23 AM
Why do I think this? Well people have been acting very concerned over my "well being" (people at work, family, e.t.c) but possibly its all in my head.

Tomorrow or for the next few days I'll go back to feeling normal and 100% in control of my life.

No I am not seeking attention or faking this...

In a way I do suffer when I'm aware of how irrational sometimes some of my thoughts are.....

But when I get really "out of it" I don't realize it till the feeling of shame and embarrassment sets in...

I never really have thought about doing any harm to anyone else even when people **** me off because usually I never stay angry at someone for more than 2 mins. Some people are not worth the time, money and effort to hurt.

Did I mention my refusal to go on any type of psych med?? I believe that many cases of people whom flip out and go "postal" on family,e t.c are people whom usually are or were on some psych med and stopped taking them and thus had a total meltdown BASED on the consumption of the psych drugs in which they consumed or consume.

Currently am taking Adderall XR for ADD/ADHD and chronic fatigue its helped me a great deal from passing out behind the wheel while driving and its helped me in my overall confidence level.

Heh just while in this moment of typing all this crap up a feeling of calm and stability has kicked in.

Well until next "episode" I'll type up crap in the near future:D


I feel like such an **** at the moment....:confused:

Impromptu_DTour
04-28-10, 03:36 AM
I wouldnt say that your 'out of your mind'.. the depressed mind is an extraordinarily interesting beast all to itself, in the way of what it does to us, and in the way that we ourselves respond to it. And i definitely wouldnt say youre out to seek attention ;)

But its hard not to catch an undertone of general frustration and anger.. and of course why not? its a frustrating place to be!! Let alone to be able to wrap our heads around exactly what to 'do' with that frustration when we all of a sudden find ourselves knee deep in it. Ive found that with myself, especially because im ADHD-I, my thoughts when in those blisteringly hot momentary places (though i have never acted on them), can yield fantasies of a very destructive nature.. and i gather that this is mainly an attempt to visualize and project my emotional state..

A general difficulty demonstrating proper and responsible emotional skills tends to be a problem that people with ADHD share in many cases, and i believe that this more often than not is the result of being told to act and feel a different way than we actually do throughout most of our lives.. and we loose critical skillbuilding opportunities for our social/emotional development.

As difficult as it is to "tame the beast within", as it is.. its really hard to NOT encourage it.. sometimes it feels so good to be ****ed off.. to feel a white rage. Especially when we live a good portion of our lives under an emotional facade. Its probably a good idea however, to recognize when you're encouraging your mind to learn to behave this way more frequently.. it is possible to "train" yourself to think certain ways, to behave certain ways cognitively and emotionally. Its a difficult practice of course.

The decision to take medication is of course your own, you may or may not come to a place where you will weigh the pros and cons of taking a medication. Unless of course you are mandated to take them as a result of your own actions ;) then you wont really have a choice.

You do seem pretty hellbent on making it crystal clear your disposition on pharmaceuticals ;) I would hate to think you'd be limiting yourself on your options based on misconception.. but as said before your choice is your choice.. and that's where your power is.

The awareness of that power should extend to more than just your choice to choose to, or not to medicate, for example, its commendable that you are choosing not to act out your frustrations. Thats a choice thats hard to make sometimes.

I might advise taking a sit with your pdoc however and just discussing things with them.. ADHD can potentiate some pretty interesting mood swings.. penned together with a depressive episode, and it can really put a speedbump in your life.They might advise temporarily adjusting the dose of your Adderall to help ease you through this.

I_DTour

weareacc
04-28-10, 04:02 AM
Um, I take your points OP, but you are already taking "psych meds" - Adderall.

negative.zen
04-28-10, 06:30 AM
Why do I think this? Well people have been acting very concerned over my "well being" (people at work, family, e.t.c) but possibly its all in my head.

Tomorrow or for the next few days I'll go back to feeling normal and 100% in control of my life.

No I am not seeking attention or faking this...

In a way I do suffer when I'm aware of how irrational sometimes some of my thoughts are.....

But when I get really "out of it" I don't realize it till the feeling of shame and embarrassment sets in...

I never really have thought about doing any harm to anyone else even when people **** me off because usually I never stay angry at someone for more than 2 mins. Some people are not worth the time, money and effort to hurt.

Did I mention my refusal to go on any type of psych med?? I believe that many cases of people whom flip out and go "postal" on family,e t.c are people whom usually are or were on some psych med and stopped taking them and thus had a total meltdown BASED on the consumption of the psych drugs in which they consumed or consume.

Currently am taking Adderall XR for ADD/ADHD and chronic fatigue its helped me a great deal from passing out behind the wheel while driving and its helped me in my overall confidence level.

Heh just while in this moment of typing all this crap up a feeling of calm and stability has kicked in.

Well until next "episode" I'll type up crap in the near future:D


I feel like such an **** at the moment....:confused:

I think the line I highlighted shows the depth of your feeling on this. Sadly, that kind of anger and animosity also seems to be keeping you from getting some help. Even if you have to go into the hospital at some point, it's really not a big deal. If you try and change your attitude towards treatment, you may lessen some of your shame and embarrassment, since those feelings are all brought about by yourself thinking incorrectly about depression.

Amtram
04-28-10, 07:37 AM
I want to make sure you understand that I'm putting this in a caring, concerned way, because I've been living with depression and changes in medications for more than a dozen years now.

Did I mention my refusal to go on any type of psych med?? I believe that many cases of people whom flip out and go "postal" on family,e t.c are people whom usually are or were on some psych med and stopped taking them and thus had a total meltdown BASED on the consumption of the psych drugs in which they consumed or consume.

Going off your psych med makes you. . .the way you were before you started taking your psych med. Sometimes worse, because you know how much better you felt on the med, doubling your frustration at going back off it and finding yourself right where you started.

People who take medications for depression and schizophrenic disorders often labor under the idea that once the medications make them feel better, they're cured, and they can stop taking them. Add in the stigma of taking antidepressants and antipsychotics, and there's even more pressure to stop taking them. So they stop. And they go back to where they were.

I've described it to my friends like being the main character in one of those movies where a blind guy has his sight miraculously restored, but then he goes back to being blind. Before, he didn't know what he was missing. Sight was an abstract concept. After he had experienced it, though, he felt crippled and "broken" because he knew what sight was like.

Having done that - experiencing life without the depression thanks to medications, and then stopping them (once by choice, because I was "all better", and once because I had to switch doctors, twice, still working on getting it right again) I can tell you that IMO, being on an antidepressant for the rest of my life is a small price to pay.

You've gotten over enough of your reluctance to take psychiatric medications to try Adderall. Please, please consider overcoming it a little bit more. In your current state, based on the things you said (and, certainly, some of the things I inferred from them) you're not in an emotional position to take on the work of fixing what's wrong all by yourself. If nothing else, speak with a therapist to get a better understanding of your behavior and motivations. My guess, though, is that the therapist might tell you something similar to what I just said in this paragraph. Mine did, both times I stopped my antidepressant.

I hope that you find a solution that works for you.

Sit-n-Spin
04-28-10, 02:55 PM
Amtram, that's exactly what my doctor and I discussed yesterday when I talked about feeling so "normal" on Vyvanse (which I can't take due to a reaction). He said many people on medications (esp. anti-depressants) stop taking them when the feel good and then crash. Like you said, they often feel even worse because they are then wondering what happened or comparing that state to the previous feeling of well-being. I say to remember that if you need the meds it's no different than someone who needs insulin. Take them.

lychweake
04-28-10, 09:55 PM
If you try and change your attitude towards treatment, you may lessen some of your shame and embarrassment, since those feelings are all brought about by yourself thinking incorrectly about depression.


Simply because I may be a little different or experience more difficulty with dealing in certain issues that I should just ****ing kill myself for being weak or inferior.

Yes these disgusting people if they smell blood like a bunch of sharks will TEAR YOUR *** APART!!!!!

These disgusting people are among us and anyone whom thinks otherwise are people whom are apart of the problem.

See the numbers of people BEATEN TO DEATH as of recent years
or how about the story that made national headlines about that young Irish girl whom hanged herself from being BULLIED TO DEATH.

I may be a target but I'm no damn victim and I wouldnt lose a min of sleep knowing I had to fight back in order to defend myself.


My point is that in this society people like us will NEVER be accepted, so for those whom may live in poverty or get some disability or have had been fired job after job or have failed in every relationship/marriage..basically most the people whom post on this forum, you people whom somehow have become used the situation I say "more power to ya"....for I wont live the rest of my life like this...good luck to the rest of ya whom have been living their lives and trying to cope with the daily grind.

Impromptu_DTour
04-29-10, 01:31 AM
Its really sounding like you've had a pretty horrible personal experience in these regards, and if thats the case than im sorry youve had to experience that.

I can tell you what though.. i know what its like to not feel safe or comfortable reaching out for help. I grew up in a family where we were the ones people reached out TO.. to help them. My role was to help, and to facilitate that, obviously i must be able to handle my own problems.

Unfortunately.. this led me down a long road of not asking for help.. or even just talkin to a buddy. I didnt even feel comfortable sayin "Hey man. Had an issue.. i just want to hear what you think about it, what your perspective is."

And also coming from experience, that caused me unquiantifiably more problems.. even shortly down that road.

I started becoming very paranoid with how people would perceive me if i even showed the slightest sign of weakness.. and finally it got so bad that i just started snapping.. and have been going through an ongoing evaluation for a potentially developing mood disorder.. all because i did this to myself. It was how i perceived things, that made things harder for me.. and by the time i went and sought help, the damage was (while repairable) already there.

I'll be frank Lych, you sound Seriously depressed. You need to understand that people dont think straight when they are depressed.. like commiting suicide for example. Suicide is a choice. People choose to commit suicide because they Choose to believe that there is no other solution. And people choose to believe that there is no other solution because they are absolving themselves to a self perpetuated belief that things really are "that bad". And these decisions are always based in an illogical and erroneous belief. Its not that bad.. its never that bad. But we can very easily trick ourselves into thinking that it is.

Being critically depressed messes with your mind yo.. and you'll start to act and respond to things in certain ways that are irrational.. and not rooted in a logical sandbox.. and thats a big part of being severely depressed.. living inside of a perception that we create.. is very very easy.. and extremely dangerous to do.. especially with ADD, you can very easily loose control of the wheel real fast.

Youve gotta take care of yourself man.. and im not sayin "eat a hot meal a day, sleep 8 hours, drink your water and take your vitamins.".. Your an adult, so im going to assume you're already doing these things..

But you also gotta take care of your mental spaces too. Recognize the perspective that you're mentally in.. and line it up with some logical side talk... Because its really easy to tell ourselves things that are not really based on any logical fact, and take it to heart without internally challenging it. Just stop yourself.. and write down what your thinking.. then go take a **** or somethin, go for a walk whatever.. come back.. look at the paper and ask yourself "Ok.. now does this ACTUALLY make logical sense??"

One thing that your probably doing is thinking WAAAAAYYY too much.. and im not even saying about anything specific in general.. just Period. "Thinking" takes a huuuge amount of energy. And times that by 10 when your depressed.. you need to find an activity or two that requires no thinking.. or at least encourages you to stop Critical Problem solving thinking.. something to get your mind off of YOU.. play a video game.. go walkin.. do SOMETHIN.. but boiling yourself out in your dome is going to destroy you.

The world is NOT a Paradise, but we do have control over how much we can let it affect us. In essence, we do create our own existences.. and we will always have a choice to "choose" to see things one way.

Alot of the members on this board for example are directly affiliated with the mental health field.. in all areas, everywhere from patients (obviously), right up through the professional ranks. These people are out there TO help you.

People without ADD, are not any different than people with ADD in this regard. And you might be surprised to know how many people go through their days majorly, or seriously depressed.. finding a person or a place to talk about it, is by far guaranteed the MOST difficult part.. and sure its because we are afraid of being judged for exactly the reasons that you are very guarded against the system.

And the reason thats the most difficult obstacle to overcome.. is because we MAKE it much harder than it actually is.. and we end up torturing ourselves. Molehills to Mountains

But its a perception Lych, and its not a very good one, or an accurate one.. of the "system" or of people.. you need to learn to trust someone. Having an "issue" doesnt make you a freak. And if thats honestly how it is in your area.. than i would highly encourage you to move to just about anywhere else in the country.

All the best.

I_DTour

negative.zen
04-29-10, 05:29 AM
Simply because I may be a little different or experience more difficulty with dealing in certain issues that I should just ****ing kill myself for being weak or inferior.

Yes these disgusting people if they smell blood like a bunch of sharks will TEAR YOUR *** APART!!!!!

These disgusting people are among us and anyone whom thinks otherwise are people whom are apart of the problem.

See the numbers of people BEATEN TO DEATH as of recent years
or how about the story that made national headlines about that young Irish girl whom hanged herself from being BULLIED TO DEATH.

I may be a target but I'm no damn victim and I wouldnt lose a min of sleep knowing I had to fight back in order to defend myself.


My point is that in this society people like us will NEVER be accepted, so for those whom may live in poverty or get some disability or have had been fired job after job or have failed in every relationship/marriage..basically most the people whom post on this forum, you people whom somehow have become used the situation I say "more power to ya"....for I wont live the rest of my life like this...good luck to the rest of ya whom have been living their lives and trying to cope with the daily grind.

I have to say, I really resent your attitude. The way you are acting will do more to make people with mental illness worse, not better. You complain of the stigma, then further it?

Whether you know it or not, there are plenty of people with a form of mental illness that are very successful in their lives. Whether it is having a good job, or a great family, success is measured by the individual. Don't want to be a failure? Then work towards fixing your life, instead of just *****ing about it.

Sit-n-Spin
04-29-10, 12:56 PM
Have you taken the meds before and are now off them? (See my previous post.) That can make you feel even worse than before.

meridian
04-29-10, 01:37 PM
Just a reminder of where you were about a year ago when you posted this:

Wow...even my files/folders on my PC are getting there and given that I have close to a TB of data!!:eek:

Getting to the point of disgust over how filthy my place has been is what became my motivation for organizing...its a sign of mental illness IMO and I must do everything in my power to stay healthy...

I think you do need to try meds and you might want to consider doing that in-patient if you are truly concerned about "going postal".

Don't let them take you away, walk in of your own volition and get treatment.

Tabbycat
05-01-10, 08:00 PM
For what it is worth, I agree completely with Meridian.
Do what you have to do to get healthy. You are worth it.