Ian
06-24-04, 12:59 AM
Hey all.
First a brief disclaimer about my style. I'm hopelessly wordy. I use many words where few would be better. I know this and if anyone finds this unacceptable and would like to volunteer to be my editor, please send me a pm with your qualifications.. < g > JUST KIDDING!... about the editor part at any rate.
I am wondering how often people without addictions feel lost in how best to help someone they know that's in trouble with substance abuse. Obviously not all ADD / ADHD types are addicts so I hope this helps some that are in those shoes.
This is a huge topic to peel the lid off in such a public way and consequently I'm feeling a bit vulnerable. If anyone has any objections or contradictions please fire away. I'm not representing any group or organisation. These statements are mine and mine alone. I mean to share my experience strength and hope. If I have failed to do this it is only because I am human. Please forgive me and carry the ball forward.
I get asked periodically to suggest ways and approaches to help make an impact on an addict mired in the problem.
After years of listening to stories and telling a few of my own, there seems one sure fire way to alleviate the pain of watching someone struggle with their problem or recovery. Simply put, it it by getting help yourself for the pain you feel knowing this self destructive behaviour is hurting someone close to you.
If someones drinking or drug, food, carrot or whatever abuse is bothering you there is something wrong with you. At first blush that sounds offencive so let me flush it out before y'all bite my head off. < g >
When I was deeply in the problem, I was well aware of the concern of others and their hopes and dreams for my well being. Some gave me money. Many cut me slack in one way or another that allowed me to continue to decline and helped stall my need for any urgent action that might lead to recovery. It was partly this human compassion that allowed me to continue in my destructive ways.
My family was in a bad way emotionally. I was what might be easily termed - a piece of work - I was not willing to entertain any actions that would lead to positive change.
At one point my wife suggested that she go and get help for herself and I selfishly objected with enough force to stop her from getting the help she needed. A few years later I was seeing a therapist for reasons I've conveniently forgotten now. She had suggested that my wife's insane obsession with my drinking and drug abuse might be better served with some help for my wife. I thought this was a great idea.
Once I was able to encourage Pierrette (loving wife) to get help, she jumped at the chance and for the next two years she studied like her life depended on it, to learn a practise that would save her from insanity. The all consuming element in that practise of hers, was to help herself.
I expect the same applies no matter what type of relationship one might have with an addict. Friends, family or people you don't even know to be addicts become influenced by those around them that heal themselves. The bad news is that not every addict makes it out alive. The good news is that we can lead the way regardless, in case there are some that might follow. You never know who is watching you and wondering how it is that you do what you do and wishing it was them that had the smile inside too.
I'm not much for the soft line when it comes to addicts. My wife came to believe that even if she wasn't able to help me she had to do something to make her life more liveable.
I wish Pierrette was telling this story but she hates computers and disputes the merits of on-line relationships. I don't and am a big fan of the strength of our collective friendships.
Pierrette was in Al-Anon for two years before I sobered up. By the end of that first two years she had changed her life into one that was happy and full of hope and optimism. I was two years deeper in trouble and the contrast between us had become unbearable to me. She cared for me and had grown accepting of my drugs and alcohol use. One night she came home happy after being out somewhere and without thinking she asked if I needed another beer. The worst was when she'd head off to work and say cheerfully.. "do what you can" and off she'd go. Responsibility dropped clearly and unquestionably in my lap! The kicker though is that she wasn't angry or resentful anymore. She'd found her peace. It was torture and nearly drove me mad as I slowly lost all my power over her and was left to sit in the stink I'd created myself. She had her side of the walk cleaned up considerably. Mine had started to break apart at an alarming rate.
Asking to help me get more to drink was a pretty clear demonstration to me that whatever obsession with my drinking had passed for her. That combined with her obvious happiness was enough to cut through the my fog and for me to see that I wanted some of what she had. I wanted that peace and ease with others. I wanted to be happy again. I was as bankrupt spiritually and emotionally as can be imagined. I was miserable and was a burning rage every day all day and well into the night.
So.. it is by attraction not by promotion that an addict often finds the willingness to begin the process of recovery. We are such masterful actors, manipulators and cowards that one of the best ways to reach a practising addict is by ensuring that one isn't enabling the addict. Detaching emotionally is key. I can love an addict but nothing I do will save them from themselves. No amount of well meaning help on my part can replace the willingness needed by them and from them to make a beginning on recovery.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a document that tells over and over again the importance of letting go. Many many different ailments have come to use the principles set out in this book. Take out the word alcohol and insert the ailment of choice and chances are it will apply to a large degree. I don't subscribe to anything hollis bollis and AA is no different. Fortunately for me the folks who wrote the book knew me better than I knew myself. < g >
I am interested in leading my life toward a healthy balanced existence. I have lots of places where major revisions are necessary, but every now and again someone will ask me how I got from where I was to where I am and what happened in between. I can now tell them that I saw someone that had something I wanted, happiness, respect, and a whole host of complimentary characteristics that make up a healthy human being. My wife provided me with this, but not by preaching, nagging or with gentle reminders or gifts of promise. She did it by providing me with all the rope I'd need to hang myself and by arming herself with self esteem and an abhorrence for B.S. Eventually she didn't take it personally that I was headed for my grave. By the time two years had passed in her experience with Al-Anon it was painfully clear to both of us that it was me that was steering toward a bad end and that she was headed the other way. Not with resentment or anger did she go that way, no not at all. She went with compassion and a choice for life not just survival. She lead by example. By showing me, not telling me I somehow was granted enough insight to become willing.
For those that have a problem with someone else's habits with drugs, alcohol or whatever abuse of choice, please get some help for yourself. There is nothing you can do for the addict until such time as they become willing. You must let them die if necessary because many many meetings have confirmed for me that the days must be particularly dark before people like me become willing. Interference from those who have not walked this path is most often a hindrance. If you are concerned about someone, get some help for those feelings. Al-Anon or some place like that is where you will find some peace. It may not be what you want but it's likely to be what you need. Ironically this is also where you have the potential to do the most good. Maybe not for the specific person you had in mind but surely for others along the way. They may be inspired to get free of the hurricane of life with an addict or maybe as my wife has done for me, to lead the way into the light for an addict.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
There are groups everywhere. If you think this isn't for you and you are not really bothered by someones drinking then just enjoy their shortcomings and leave your thoughts of well meaning help for sometime later. Without a keen knowledge of those whom have gone before me, it's pretty tough to learn as I go. It's tough enough when I find those that can walk the walk much less trying to reinvent the wheel trying to do it on my own.
I think most 12 step groups have what are termed open meetings where anyone can attend. They often will feature a speaker that shares what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. These are great places to get your feet wet in the ways of recovery according to the principles set out in the Big Book. It's a living process and completely fluid as to the interpretation so by going back a few times you might find that the experience is wildly different between meetings and people as well as between groups. One thing in common that I find no matter the setting is a room full of smiles and miraculous stories of recovery. I came, I came to, I came to believe.
Anyone familiar with the Big Book and with 12 step literature in general will recognise much of what I have said as having come directly from those sources. It's part of me now.. please excuse. < g >
Hope this helps.
bigbagOwind Ian.
P. S. I no longer attend meetings and have lost the primary requirement for membership. I still practise my program to the best of my ability.
First a brief disclaimer about my style. I'm hopelessly wordy. I use many words where few would be better. I know this and if anyone finds this unacceptable and would like to volunteer to be my editor, please send me a pm with your qualifications.. < g > JUST KIDDING!... about the editor part at any rate.
I am wondering how often people without addictions feel lost in how best to help someone they know that's in trouble with substance abuse. Obviously not all ADD / ADHD types are addicts so I hope this helps some that are in those shoes.
This is a huge topic to peel the lid off in such a public way and consequently I'm feeling a bit vulnerable. If anyone has any objections or contradictions please fire away. I'm not representing any group or organisation. These statements are mine and mine alone. I mean to share my experience strength and hope. If I have failed to do this it is only because I am human. Please forgive me and carry the ball forward.
I get asked periodically to suggest ways and approaches to help make an impact on an addict mired in the problem.
After years of listening to stories and telling a few of my own, there seems one sure fire way to alleviate the pain of watching someone struggle with their problem or recovery. Simply put, it it by getting help yourself for the pain you feel knowing this self destructive behaviour is hurting someone close to you.
If someones drinking or drug, food, carrot or whatever abuse is bothering you there is something wrong with you. At first blush that sounds offencive so let me flush it out before y'all bite my head off. < g >
When I was deeply in the problem, I was well aware of the concern of others and their hopes and dreams for my well being. Some gave me money. Many cut me slack in one way or another that allowed me to continue to decline and helped stall my need for any urgent action that might lead to recovery. It was partly this human compassion that allowed me to continue in my destructive ways.
My family was in a bad way emotionally. I was what might be easily termed - a piece of work - I was not willing to entertain any actions that would lead to positive change.
At one point my wife suggested that she go and get help for herself and I selfishly objected with enough force to stop her from getting the help she needed. A few years later I was seeing a therapist for reasons I've conveniently forgotten now. She had suggested that my wife's insane obsession with my drinking and drug abuse might be better served with some help for my wife. I thought this was a great idea.
Once I was able to encourage Pierrette (loving wife) to get help, she jumped at the chance and for the next two years she studied like her life depended on it, to learn a practise that would save her from insanity. The all consuming element in that practise of hers, was to help herself.
I expect the same applies no matter what type of relationship one might have with an addict. Friends, family or people you don't even know to be addicts become influenced by those around them that heal themselves. The bad news is that not every addict makes it out alive. The good news is that we can lead the way regardless, in case there are some that might follow. You never know who is watching you and wondering how it is that you do what you do and wishing it was them that had the smile inside too.
I'm not much for the soft line when it comes to addicts. My wife came to believe that even if she wasn't able to help me she had to do something to make her life more liveable.
I wish Pierrette was telling this story but she hates computers and disputes the merits of on-line relationships. I don't and am a big fan of the strength of our collective friendships.
Pierrette was in Al-Anon for two years before I sobered up. By the end of that first two years she had changed her life into one that was happy and full of hope and optimism. I was two years deeper in trouble and the contrast between us had become unbearable to me. She cared for me and had grown accepting of my drugs and alcohol use. One night she came home happy after being out somewhere and without thinking she asked if I needed another beer. The worst was when she'd head off to work and say cheerfully.. "do what you can" and off she'd go. Responsibility dropped clearly and unquestionably in my lap! The kicker though is that she wasn't angry or resentful anymore. She'd found her peace. It was torture and nearly drove me mad as I slowly lost all my power over her and was left to sit in the stink I'd created myself. She had her side of the walk cleaned up considerably. Mine had started to break apart at an alarming rate.
Asking to help me get more to drink was a pretty clear demonstration to me that whatever obsession with my drinking had passed for her. That combined with her obvious happiness was enough to cut through the my fog and for me to see that I wanted some of what she had. I wanted that peace and ease with others. I wanted to be happy again. I was as bankrupt spiritually and emotionally as can be imagined. I was miserable and was a burning rage every day all day and well into the night.
So.. it is by attraction not by promotion that an addict often finds the willingness to begin the process of recovery. We are such masterful actors, manipulators and cowards that one of the best ways to reach a practising addict is by ensuring that one isn't enabling the addict. Detaching emotionally is key. I can love an addict but nothing I do will save them from themselves. No amount of well meaning help on my part can replace the willingness needed by them and from them to make a beginning on recovery.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a document that tells over and over again the importance of letting go. Many many different ailments have come to use the principles set out in this book. Take out the word alcohol and insert the ailment of choice and chances are it will apply to a large degree. I don't subscribe to anything hollis bollis and AA is no different. Fortunately for me the folks who wrote the book knew me better than I knew myself. < g >
I am interested in leading my life toward a healthy balanced existence. I have lots of places where major revisions are necessary, but every now and again someone will ask me how I got from where I was to where I am and what happened in between. I can now tell them that I saw someone that had something I wanted, happiness, respect, and a whole host of complimentary characteristics that make up a healthy human being. My wife provided me with this, but not by preaching, nagging or with gentle reminders or gifts of promise. She did it by providing me with all the rope I'd need to hang myself and by arming herself with self esteem and an abhorrence for B.S. Eventually she didn't take it personally that I was headed for my grave. By the time two years had passed in her experience with Al-Anon it was painfully clear to both of us that it was me that was steering toward a bad end and that she was headed the other way. Not with resentment or anger did she go that way, no not at all. She went with compassion and a choice for life not just survival. She lead by example. By showing me, not telling me I somehow was granted enough insight to become willing.
For those that have a problem with someone else's habits with drugs, alcohol or whatever abuse of choice, please get some help for yourself. There is nothing you can do for the addict until such time as they become willing. You must let them die if necessary because many many meetings have confirmed for me that the days must be particularly dark before people like me become willing. Interference from those who have not walked this path is most often a hindrance. If you are concerned about someone, get some help for those feelings. Al-Anon or some place like that is where you will find some peace. It may not be what you want but it's likely to be what you need. Ironically this is also where you have the potential to do the most good. Maybe not for the specific person you had in mind but surely for others along the way. They may be inspired to get free of the hurricane of life with an addict or maybe as my wife has done for me, to lead the way into the light for an addict.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
There are groups everywhere. If you think this isn't for you and you are not really bothered by someones drinking then just enjoy their shortcomings and leave your thoughts of well meaning help for sometime later. Without a keen knowledge of those whom have gone before me, it's pretty tough to learn as I go. It's tough enough when I find those that can walk the walk much less trying to reinvent the wheel trying to do it on my own.
I think most 12 step groups have what are termed open meetings where anyone can attend. They often will feature a speaker that shares what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. These are great places to get your feet wet in the ways of recovery according to the principles set out in the Big Book. It's a living process and completely fluid as to the interpretation so by going back a few times you might find that the experience is wildly different between meetings and people as well as between groups. One thing in common that I find no matter the setting is a room full of smiles and miraculous stories of recovery. I came, I came to, I came to believe.
Anyone familiar with the Big Book and with 12 step literature in general will recognise much of what I have said as having come directly from those sources. It's part of me now.. please excuse. < g >
Hope this helps.
bigbagOwind Ian.
P. S. I no longer attend meetings and have lost the primary requirement for membership. I still practise my program to the best of my ability.