hi! my son is 8 and has adhd. just as he moved up to junior school he started slow release ritalin which has improved his school life imensly. We have always been aware he was bright and this year he has settled right down and proved it. Altho we know he is bright and are pleased we have never expected him to be top of the class, as far as we are concerened so long as he does ok and doesnt find things hard im very happy! Unfortunatly my son over the last few months has become very depressed about school, and refused to go. After a few chats with him and his teacher we found out hes got down because " hes useless at school".
I asked his teacher. Mattie has the reading and maths skills of an 11 year old. he is in the top group for everything. However, the school have a system where you write in pencil until your handwritting improves then you recieve your pen. three children in my sons class of 30 have a pen. mattie doesnt. hes failing in his eyes. Mattie is not in the class council, this changes every week but he wasnt first to be chosen. He had a mental block on one of his two times tables, therefore he has decided he is useless. after talking to the school they supplied a handwritting book to help him improve. Today he came home very upset blaming his adhd for "getting him in trouble". so i asked what the trouble was. He forgot to use a capital letter in a piece of work. i have treid telling him hes doing great and im really pleased but he doesnt listen...he has to be top! all this is really effecting his schooling and ive no idea what to do and neither do the school. any help please would be great!!!

Here are a few ideas, from an article by Carole C. Peters.

A Few Hints to Help You and Your Children Cope with Perfectionism

Appreciate the trait. Don't be ashamed of being perfectionistic. Acknowledge your children's feelings of frustration. Share with them that you have often felt the same way and how you've dealt with your feelings.

Understand that it serves a useful purpose. Help your children understand the source of their feelings as positive traits in themselves. Ideals and high standards are good, even if it hurts when one can't always reach them.

Set priorities for yourself. Allow yourself to be perfectionistic in activities that really matter to you, rather than in everything all at once. Help your child recognise that no one can be perfect in everything, and that we all have to make painful choices in our lives about what to strive for, and where to settle for less than our best.

Maintain high standards for yourself, but don't impose them on others lest you become a tyrant. Help your child distinguish between perfectionistic attitudes toward self and others. It's fine to hold high standards for yourself but unfair to expect others to conform to your standards.

Keep striving even when your first attempts are unsuccessful. Encourage your children not to give up. Remind them that with practice they come closer and closer to their goals. It takes time and effort to achieve high standards.

Don't quit when the going gets rough. Only allow yourself to quit when you're a winner. Give your children examples of people who felt intensely frustrated in their efforts and overcame their obstacles through persistence.

Don't punish yourself for failing. Focus your energies on future successes. Try to be a model of self-acceptance, of willingness to look foolish and accept being wrong. Adopt a philosophy that there are no mistakes - only learning experiences. Help your child to process what is learned from each "failure."

Successful adults do not expect instant successes. One father said to his children, "Anything worth doing is worth doing wrong' because it is only by doing it wrong that you can learn to do it right"

Hold onto your ideas and believe in your ability to reach them. Support your children in following their dreams.

Recognise that there are good parts and bad parts to perfectionism. We have choices about how we use it. We can let it paralyse us with fear of failure, or we can use it to mobilize us for unparalleled excellence. We can use this drive to help create a better world.

There is pain in perfectionism. Fear of that pain can inhibit you from trying anything or you can deal with it courageously. Nothing is ever as bad as it appears. Teach your children that they can cope with this pain. It is a good pain. Help them realise that they are good problem-solvers, hard-workers, and emotionally strong. They may not be able to avoid the pain, but they can surmount it.

Perfectionism is an energy which can be used either positively or negatively. If it stems from within, it has the potential to lead to personal and professional fulfilment, unimaginable heights of achievement, moral and spiritual development. If it is diverted by self-doubt and lack of faith or if it is a response to external pressure, it can be agonising and debilitating.

You can read the full article at http://www.nexus.edu.au/teachstud/gat/peters.htm

My daughter's teacher had a rule similiar to your son's this year when she was the last one to not recieve her pen I thought she was going to lose it...kids are hard on themselves. What we did was bought her a lined notepad and she practiced and practiced we also might have bribed her a little to practice with colorful and really cool (her words not mine) pencils. Bribing is probably not the best way but she was to the point were she gave up and started scribbling everything. Anyways, it worked.

It doesn't sound like he's trying to be perfect he is just trying to fit in at school. That thing about the hand writing makes my blood boil. He should not be punished because he doesn't write as neatlly as other kids.

I remember having to stay in for recess to practice my handwriting. It didn't matter how much I practiced I was never going to have perfect writing. My ADD brain works a lot faster than my hand and it's hard to write sometimes.

If your son hasn't already been tested for LD's that may be some to consider. Many people with AD/HD are also dysgraphic. Instead of being punished for not writing he would be able to get modifications and accomodations like adaptive technology to help him learn.

Why don't these schools get the fact that a child's self esteem is so much more important than neat penmanship!!!!!

If I could answer that one Tara I would not have had so much trouble with my kids' teachers this year.

I don't think they get that the child's self esteem is more important that just about anything, especially when you figure that kids spend most of their waking hours there. Basic child psycology is a prerequisite for any teaching program, right? They should know that starting around Mattie's age, fitting in with, but mostly not standing out from one's peers is the most important thing from the child's perspective. Not wanting to be singled out is the developmental norm for this age group.

I'll give Mattie this, dreamer, he's sharp enough to blame the AD/HD and not himself. It may be splitting hairs, but it is somewhere for you to begin to help him build his esteem back up. AD/HD is the reason we get in trouble sometimes. My non-professional but experienced opinion is that Mattie's attitude towards the task of handwriting seems pretty healthy.

We always hurt when our kids hurt. Try not to worry too much, before it is over, your clever boy will come out with the experience that although one can't be tops in everything, one is still quite fantastic!

[QUOTE=livingwithadd]

If your son hasn't already been tested for LD's that may be some to consider. Many people with AD/HD are also dysgraphic. Instead of being punished for not writing he would be able to get modifications and accomodations like adaptive technology to help him learn.
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Hi sorry i havent been on for a bit...we recently got a new dog after losing our last in the hope mattie will cheer up a little. Am pleased to say it has helped(tho wouldnt reommend ppl rushing off to get a dog !)...Erm..what is ld's and dysgraphic? Thats never been mentioned before and i have no idea what it is.My handwritting is terrible always has been and always will be, I find it difficult to write neatly and no matter how hard i try it still looks a mess...so i dont bother trying!lol

Hi Dreamer,

My son is 8yrs old and is having the same problem at school. I took him to an Occupational Therapist and she found thats he has a few small problems with the way he sits and the brain has wired itself ( he writes from the ground up and back to front) but with some training and home exercise we are on the road to writing better. i hope this help !!!!

machelle and mick
( australia )