I’m having a really bad day - I’m screaming in my head and it’s not helping me.

I’m so very tired so very very tired.

I just want a few minutes to myself to relax wind down but then I know what will happen next my mind will start to wonder and I know what’s about to come. I just can’t cope with it tonight. I’ve got to keep those thoughts out.

I feel all these emotions flowing throughout my body all at once I’ve got to keep strong. It’s so intrusive why why why?????????

Keep busy, keep busy, I say to myself but as I sit here the tears are rolling down my face

It’s a release I know but when will it stop, time is a great healer they say but at this precise moment I can’t see the end of the tunnel. :(

Other people just don’t seem to understand what an effect they can cause in your life and I bet that they have never even given me a second thought. Yet me I can’t forget and they are always with me now.

I was at work on a lovely warm summer evening feeling really happy, belly bulging with my second child Vincent inside me. Then out of no where two men in balaclavas were pointing guns at me demanding money. I gave them all that we had in the Till but that wasn’t enough for them they wanted it all. As far as I and my friend were concerned they could have it, but they would have to wait, the safe out back was on a timer and it couldn’t be over ridden. With guns pointed at our heads we showed them, they got angry with us, it wasn’t our fault they can have what they want just don’t hurt us.

You can’t imagine how numb I felt after they left; it was like I was running on remote control. All I wanted to do was go home but I had to go with the police and give a statement we had to secure the shop for the police etc. I laughed and Joked the reality just wasn’t sinking in.

The next day straight down to the doctors I couldn’t feel Vincent move, was my baby ok what was happening. Relief washed over me as I heard his little heart beat pumping away inside me.

I took a few weeks off then returned to work my husband didn’t want me to, but I needed to go back. I wasn’t going to let them win, scare me out of a job I loved anyway I would be on maternity leave soon I told myself.

I had my new beautiful baby boy to also take care of now, he was another priority to be added to my list he needed to be looked after, so all the feeling I had were buried deep inside me and I tied to get on with my life.

I never felt safe anymore at work just watching and waiting for something to happen looking at everyone who came in thinking was it you. I changed shops to see if that would help. It was good for a while I stopped thinking about it.

It hit me like a lightening bolt when it happened I had just been told I might have to work on my own staff cut backs etc. My boss left the shop he wouldn’t be long they needed his help at another shop I was on my own. Panic attack I just wanted to lock the door and run, run as fast as I could just to get away.

Another member of staff came in just as a customer and he could see what state I was in he phoned the Dr made me an appointment called my husband to come and collect me, he was going to stay and cover for me (what a star) I left.

The Dr and I talked and it all started to come out I had p.t.s.d. and was sent for counselling and I’m now on medication. It turns out that the mind can really pay tricks on you I couldn’t deal with the events as they happened properly as I had other more important issues to deal with eg a new baby, worries about my other son John, my needs were so far down the list it was untrue.

The symptoms to watch out for:
• Recurring thoughts or nightmares about the event.
• Having trouble sleeping or changes in appetite.
• Experiencing anxiety and fear, especially when exposed to events or situations reminiscent of the trauma.
• Being on edge, being easily startled or becoming overly alert.
• Feeling depressed, sad and having low energy.
• Experiencing memory problems including difficulty in remembering aspects of the trauma.
• Feeling "scattered" and unable to focus on work or daily activities.
• Having difficulty making decisions.
• Feeling irritable, easily agitated, or angry and resentful.
• Feeling emotionally "numb," withdrawn, disconnected or different from others.
• Spontaneously crying, feeling a sense of despair and hopelessness.
• Feeling extremely protective of, or fearful for, the safety of loved ones.
• Not being able to face certain aspects of the trauma, and avoiding activities, places, or even people that remind you of the event.

Its hard to remember that I need to look after myself as well as my family, Its just such a demanding job it sometimes overwhelms me as you can see form the previous post that’s what happened yesterday.

Today’s a new day it’s really helped me writing this just letting go and I apologize for the length I don’t even know if any one will read it but it helped me. thank you.

aww hun sorry you had to go thru that . I dont know what eles to say ( which is rare) relax and go for a walk or something to calm yourself down

New days are great, aren't they!?! The best part is...there is another one coming soon. Don't you dare worry about the length of your posts. I can assure you, no one minds, especially if it is helps you. Always willing to lend an ear, clawless! (or an eye, in this case)

You mentioned your new baby....congratulations! I feel compelled to mention this since it so often goes overlooked and I struggled terribly myself. Please make sure the doctor who is treating your ptsd is well aware that you are dealing with the practical, emotional and hormonal adjustments that inevitably come with having a new baby. Even the mildest of post-partum depressions have a way of amplifying other existing conditions. That being said, I, for one, would love to see a picture of your baby, if you are comfortable posting one.

Thanks for your replies i just needed to vent :)

Flakey my problem took years to come out after the event thats why it came as such a shock, boy did i bury them deep. Vincent is now 3 thats him in the picture with his big brother John.

The Dr says it took so long to come out because i never put myself first and when he became a bit more independant and he wasn't so reliant on me i let my barriers down and boy did the hidden emotions flow or what.

Oh, I see. That makes sense. Vincent and John look very happy in the photo, you must be doing a great job. Like I said, I always feel compelled to bring up PPD whenever I hear that someone has had a baby and is feeling anything less than marvelous. My own personal crusade :D I hope you continue to feel better and better.

Big Hugs Claw....Im so Sorry that happened...I would be terrified too. I still have nightmares of the time I was almost murdered and dat partly why I have anxiety being around other people and you are right, I do not even think my own shrink realizes how severe PTSD is.....just as important as the other stuff. Sucks to think that only we know how we suffer.

...I am happy your child is ok. :)

I know how you feel and I am deeply sorry you had to go through that type of situation too. I don't know if it happened recently, but know that it does get better. You are smart to consider the well being of yourself and your family.

My doctor told me I should get back to work right away. I was shocked that everyone expected me to forget, which I wanted to. It doesn't work that way, times heals. Counseling also helped me lots.

Thanks for your reply Eve.

It does help talking to others who have PTSD. as they know how you are feeling and you don't feel as you are the only one dealing with all the emotions / anxiety that comes with it on your own.

Like i said i went back to work soon afterwards, thinking i was doing the right thing at the time, but it didn't hit me then, it was much later which was the biggest shock of all to me and those around me.

I think people do expect you to forget about it and to move forward, but its not like were talking about something little here, so it is harder for us, it happened to us not them, so they can forget it easily, we need that extra time and help, for us to even begin to think of moving on.

I'm quite a private person really and generally just keep every thing to myself and find it hard to open up emotionally speaking (but that had always been me) and I found counselling quite hard at first, but luckily i had a really nice lady, who I found I could talk to eventually and she has helped.

So now i take it one day at a time, more seem to be good than bad now a the moment which is promising.

I have read your replies on the other posts as well, and if you want to start you own thread about your experience and how you are coping please do. as i found it a help for me when i needed it. and just knowing others understand where you are coming from is great

Clawless, I am so sad to read what happened to you. I know where you are coming from, and it's a lonely place where we feel at that precise moment in time, that no one else can comprehend. I don't think they can unless they have PTSD.

You have been given some great advice so far, but have you tried listening to some music [I do not mean when things are at their worst] that is rather soothing and repetetive in nature? Almost a hypnotic type of music. I swear by this myself, but it's only a suggestion.

Hugs,
~Viktoria

Meditation and good music does help lots...listening to the lyrics helps u take mind off the flashbacks :) Chanting for me is extremly helpful!

Meditation and good music does help lots...listening to the lyrics helps u take mind off the flashbacks :) Chanting for me is extremly helpful!
Yes, the chanting. It's somehow soothing. I recently introduced my Husband to different types of music, which he calls Ancient:D, and he says he feels sure they calm his ADHD and his OCD, so it appears to me that music does affect brain wave patterns as I have read in certain places.:)
~Viktoria

I love listening to music any sort really from classic to rock, i like most sorts really :) always willing to listen to something new, so i'll have to nip into virgin this week and have a look for some hypnotic type of music and give it a bash.

I think the thing that sets me off most from what i can tell, is *Quiet* I just don't like it, a few minutes is ok (quite good actually) but not any great length of time. there's always some sort of noise around me, be it the kids, telly or stereo and i find comfort in that. I even have to have the telly on in the bedroom all night and if hubby turns it off after i have gone to sleep, i wake up straight away and have to put it back on.