First off, I'll begin by stating I'm not entirely sure why I'm here. I did not intend on coming here looking for pity from other forum members, or even a solution. I guess I need a place to vent on what's been going on. A little bit about myself perhaps first.....I'm a 25 year old male. From the outside, it wouldn't seem like my life is all that bad, but the inside is a complete different and misanthropic picture. I was "diagnosed with depression and ADD" since I was a sophomore in high school and have battled with it ever since. I've gone through several different medications and nothing has worked longterm for me.

I battle this disease every day of my life and every day, it becomes harder and harder to deal with. I know I could be just minutes, hours, days or weeks away from my ending point. It's hard to find any bright spots in life anymore.

I have no relationship withs my friends or my family. I have squandered away any love from them due to my insecure feelings. I'm in a constant state of being angry and hateful. I've been through a series of different medications and as of last week stopped taking my current prescription (20 msg of Adderall XR and 75mg of Effexor XR). I have not felt good about myself, or less anxious since taking them. Something about myself, I don't have a tolerance for taking something that does not make me feel different. I refuse to go to psychiatrists or any other therapist anymore. Talking with them does not make me feel any different and I consider it to be a waste of my time and money. I don't have patience for this.

Every day, I wonder why I keep at it. It's not going to get better I tell myself. Everyone tries to tell me it's a phase, or to stop complaining because other people have it much worse than I do. I dare them to live a day of my life and tell me that.

I have seriously begun contemplating suicide. I don't believe many others will notice that I'm gone. It might not be a bad idea before I end up hurting someone aside from myself. I don't know what to do anymore..everything feels hopeless. I'm know I'm in a bad spot, and I'm sure what to do from here except close the curtains.

Dave
http://www.livejournal.com/users/matrixodyssey25

October 16th? 2003 I was last in those shoes. I was sitting in my doctors office wondering what could be done.

Fortunately I found some meds that have given me a window of opportunity to act on a bunch of other less pharmaceutically inclined approaches to deal with my darkness.

Willingness has been helpful. I was willing to do whatever it took to get out of that hole. I'm 45 and I'm pretty sure I don't have the strength to dig out again. It was painful to dig out. It continues to be a struggle but I still make the choice for life. It's easier for me now as I keep my body active to the point of a heart pounding sweaty workout four and five times a week. This abuse of the system seems to help give me hope. I'm lighter inside and out because of it.

I know that suicide would be an extremely selfish act for me. I didn't believe that for a long time but I do believe it now. I probably don't have the brass ones to follow through with it anyway. I'm a coward at heart on that point I expect.

Finding peace within has been a long standing issue for me. For the last five months I've joined a few hardy tolerant souls here for support to keep me on track with my workouts. It has helped beyond measure to have company as I make my mistakes and learn to care for myself. I suck at self care. I think there is hope that it's a skill that can be learnt with time and a better self image and esteem.

I can't tell from your post how bad things are for you but I'd guess you have run the usual routines to their unsatisfactory conclusion.

There are many here who have gone before us and found ways out of some of their problems. Joy in living has been an illusive one for me, but with practise I have not had to close the curtains just yet.

I hope you can see the resources here as worthy and join the rest of us that strive to live not just survive.

I would wish you a friend to be with you on dark nights like this. I'd come if I could. I hope this note stakes some claim to a cup of java at least virtually some time down the road.

The power of unconventional support like this is still evolving. I think it is part of what makes the internet such a powerful tool for anyone with the ability to type. I hope you find a way in to these forums that proves some help for you.
ian.

You can never plan the future by the past.

Dave,
That journal is nice work. Post some more here and maybe be able to make some sense out of things. People can read it here and almost certainly relate to parts of it. I don't know how long you've been on effexor but the withdrawl can be very difficult for some people. How's it going with that?