View Full Version : Dissociative Identity Disorder - A little support please


Bluerose
08-26-10, 09:01 AM
Iíve chosen to post in here. I didnít see a category for my quite recent diagnoses (Dec 2009), Iíve had a few over the years. Let me begin by saying that Iím not an ADD sufferer. I came here a couple of years ago quite stressed out. I had been diagnosed with a schizoaffective disorder but due to the advice I received on here, I went for a reassessment and was given the diagnoses Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) which used to be known as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). Whatever it is I manage quite well most of the time, as my posts can verify. But I decided to stop seeing my psych doc in March or April this year. I have had two appointment letters sent to me since then but I called and cancelled. Iím posting here now because I donít do so well in the winter time and thought it might be a good idea to create a little back up support. I have some friends on here who I know will understand. I would also be interested in hearing from anyone who has DID or knows someone who does.

sarek
08-26-10, 02:35 PM
Hi Rose. As always it is so wonderful to see you on here. I am always happy to see you appear. That is when I know things are as they should be.
And of course I am always here for you to talk to.

I cant say i like the autumn and winter very much myself. I'd rather have some sunshine. But as the germans say nach jedem Dezember folgt wieder ein Mai. After ever December there is always another May, and it will be there before you know it.

Song of Mercy
08-26-10, 03:26 PM
Hi Rose. As always it is so wonderful to see you on here. I am always happy to see you appear. That is when I know things are as they should be...And of course I am always here for you to talk to.

ditto

Rose, why are you choosing not to go to the doctor? I think if I can know a bit more I can be more supportive, and, an open dialog is a place to start. I wont suggest or be condemning Rose.

Lets talk.

Bluerose
08-27-10, 06:33 PM
I was seeing the psych doc for about half an hour every six weeks it really wasn’t helping. I don’t want to be on meds. I have dealt with this for a long time and I manage quite well most of the time. I have been really well with the occasional dip for the last few years. I found it help posting here but I hadn’t been around in a while and was beginning to feel a little vulnerable. I don’t think I can explain it too well right now. I’ll come back from time to time and try to describe what this is like and how it seems to effect me.

Thank you for posts and your support.

Fortune
08-27-10, 06:53 PM
I know a few multiples*. I'm not going to claim I understand perfectly, but I do sympathize. I'll send a friend request.

Winter's usually good to me, summer drives me up the wall.

* Their term for themselves.

Bluerose
08-27-10, 07:02 PM
Thanks, Fortune. I’m not sure that I have DID, it’s just the latest in a whole lot of diagnoses over the years. But I do get down and confused. Posting here helps. And I have lots of family support too.

Fortune
08-27-10, 07:14 PM
Thanks, Fortune. Iím not sure that I have DID, itís just the latest in a whole lot of diagnoses over the years. But I do get down and confused. Posting here helps. And I have lots of family support too.

Yeah, that's understandable. Did they talk the diagnosis over with you much at all? It's kind of a thing to drop on someone without really going into any detail. :(

Sandy4957
08-27-10, 10:56 PM
Wow, Bluerose, that is quite a diagnosis...

I'm curious: when you do not post, why do you not? Too busy? Too upset? Feel isolated and afraid of the forum? I'm trying to get a bead on who you are other than here because the only person that I've ever seen here is organized (as in, in your thinking), empathetic, grounded, and consistent. That doesn't feel like schizoid at all, but what the heck do I know??!

salleh
08-27-10, 10:58 PM
Hi Rose.....we'll be glad to hang wittcha......

oh and I have been instrumental in showing some friends who really hate winter ( the snowy kind) the beauty in it again .....I go and spend the winter in Michigan ....on a farm , just across the lake from Chicago.....lots of snow.....and it's very new to me, haven't lived in a snowy climate for ....um 51 years up till a couple of years ago ....so you'll probably find me rambing on about the pretty snowflakes and how they sparkle ....

Sandy4957
08-27-10, 11:12 PM
I will add that my sister-in-law became extremely sick a few years back. We never knew her diagnosis other than that depression was certainly in the mix, as was psychosis. She was also very disorganized in her thinking. You could tell that her mind was racing. Conversations with her were scattered, like talking to a child that can't hold a thread consistently.

She improved with treatment. The psychosis largely went away, though it peeked back in now and then. Her thinking became more organized. She was brighter and more responsive to those around her. I'm not sure what medication she took, but I suspect that an anti-depressant was a part of it.

It was interesting because, at the time, she "felt" a lot like my schizophrenic clients do. The disorganization was the major component that "felt" that way to me. I mentioned it later to a psychiatrist who told me that lots of disorders can cause distraction and disorganization, including extreme depression.

Anyway, that's what makes me curious about how you feel when you are not here. I'm curious if you, for example, become concerned that people don't want you here or something (i.e., you're isolating yourself, etc.)...

For me, I usually don't post when I'm "too busy." That might be more in my head than anything, and it's not necessarily a sign of mental health. But it's what I do.

How about you, Bluerose?

Bluerose
08-28-10, 07:18 PM
Yeah, that's understandable. Did they talk the diagnosis over with you much at all? It's kind of a thing to drop on someone without really going into any detail. :(

I was actually told the diagnoses in a letter Dec 2009. When I went for reassessment, after talking with the psych doc on and off for a few months (one 45 minute session every few weeks), she recommended me to a psychologist. I had two visits with him and the outcome of that was sent back to the psych doc by letter of which I received a copy. And yes it was a bit of a shock.

No they didnít discuss it much with me. I got most of my information off the net and from a few books that had been recommended to me. I feel their way of not discussing it is to avoid the possibility of suggestion. On my next visit to the psych doc I asked her if they thought that was what it was and she just said ďYesĒ and asked if I wanted to ask her anything but I was at a loss.

I also asked for a copy of my medical records. I was past being afraid to ask for them, I was angry and I was very curious about what they had been saying about me all these years. The records only go back twenty years. She said they donít hold onto anything older than that.

I waited about two months but I got them eventually. I degraded all the appointment letters, hospital admissions, ward reports etc and kept psych docs reports and diagnoses.

I havenít read them since that first time. They werenít as bad as I thought they would be. Iíll post more about them later.

I start to get a little down and I start to get a little ****ed off. I donít know what the hell is going on and I donít think they do either.

Lunacie
08-28-10, 08:42 PM
That's right, most of the time the doctor's don't know as much as we wish they did - or maybe they don't know as much as they wish they did. Especially when it comes to the brain and the mind. Much easier to disect a body and figure it out than to take a brain apart and figure out how it works, eh?

I wondered myself back in my 20's if I had DID or multiple personas. Then I wondered whether I had Bipolar disorder. I really didn't know much about ADHD, but when I started reading about it, it just fit really well. Still didn't explain everything though. Even the family therapist mentioned that I might have Bipolar.

All this alongside clincal depression for a large part of my life, and seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Actually had the doctor and his nurse try to convince me that the SAD was just me being anxious about my birthday approaching. Mind you, this was when I was in my late 20's and I started getting depressed and anxious in August but my birthday isn't until late November.

Anyway, maybe not quite the same situation, but enough to feel familiar to me. I'm here for you. I hope you can figure out what you need to help you feel better so you can manage quite well even more often.

Oh, I've heard that taking Vitamin D is good for SAD - even Mayo Clinic says research looks good. Should be Vitamin D-3. I've been taking it for several months, too soon to tell how depressed I'll get with the SAD this winter.

Bluerose
08-28-10, 08:53 PM
Wow, Bluerose, that is quite a diagnosis...

I'm curious: when you do not post, why do you not? Too busy? Too upset? Feel isolated and afraid of the forum? I'm trying to get a bead on who you are other than here because the only person that I've ever seen here is organized (as in, in your thinking), empathetic, grounded, and consistent. That doesn't feel like schizoid at all, but what the heck do I know??!


Sandy4957,

It's nice to hear from you. I hope alls well with you.

Happy to tell you a bit more about me here.

I'm never too busy. I live a simple life, I meditate, I have shopping delivered, I live in a nice but small flat that is easy to keep ordered, and if you remember I have a grandson living with me (my sonĎs son), he's 17 now! He's no trouble, he's so good and I'm lucky to have him around. But I don't like him to see me like this. When he's not working he's on his computer in his room and I'm on this one in the sitting room. We don't watch tv see.

If I'm not feeling so good it's quite easy to cover up. And if I do feel things getting harder to deal with I will take a walk or call my sister. My daughter lost her baby girl, my only granddaughter, ten years ago. It doesn't seem like ten years. She already had a young son, he's coming up 12. And now she has a baby girl coming in December. She has been waiting ten years for this. So understandably I am trying not to call on her at this time. So I go to my sisters, usually quite tearful, and just say that I'm feeling a bit crappy.

I'll try to describe what it's like and how it effects me. It seems to build up quite slowly over a few weeks and usually starts with me not getting enough sleep, can't sleep, this is one of the signs that I might be, as I put it, on the way down. If I can get a hold on it and I usually can, it passes in another couple of weeks. If I can't, and I do 'crash', there is 'fuzziness and confusion', and I feel at odds with myself. .. I'm not so comfortable describing this ... maybe later. Ö I work hard to avoid this but my success depends on what else is going on at the time.

Upset? Yes, sometimes I feel too upset to post. I still scribble/type loads, it works as a distraction for me when I'm struggling a little. I have gotten really good at distracting myself. Only two members of my family are aware of the latest diagnoses (my sister and my daughter) the other members of my family still think I'm being treated for depression that's where it all began - with depression back in my twenties.

I was brought up in Glasgow, battered and abused, my dad committed suicide just when I was about to get married. They treated me for depression and said it was understandable because of my upbringing and the suicide of my father when I was 19. Married to a soldier who was shot in Northern Ireland in76 and involved in a serious bombing in 79, and struggling to bring up two little boys, again I was treated for depression. On and off meds for years until I decided enough was enough! They used to fight you back then when you refused medication but things are much better now because they donít push it on me anymore. Over the years the diagnoses went from depression to some other stuff including schizoaffective disorder, and then last December DID. I have had around five hospital stays, the longest being for six weeks. The last one was in 2002. Thatís when I decided that I wasnít going back in there and I wasnít taking any more medication. I began to work on taking charge of things. I began reading up on the net and coming up with coping tools that helped me a lot.

Feel isolated and afraid of the forum? No. I can honestly say that it is forums that have helped me the most. I try not to go to my family with this unless I feel that nothing is working. I'm happy and comfortable on the computer, and I do get a lot of really helpful advice from the net. If all else fails I go play a game, I like puzzle games like Sudoku. They keep my mind busy until I'm feeling like myself again.

Iíll describe it some more later. Itís really confusing at times. Being myself, not being myself. It doesnít seem as bad for me as some of the descriptions Iíve read of other people who have this. I donít have the struggle and aggression that others describe. But even the psychologist said I had developed some extraordinary coping skills.

More on what he said later.

Thanks again for posting and for the support. :)

Bluerose
08-28-10, 09:04 PM
Hi Rose.....we'll be glad to hang wittcha......

oh and I have been instrumental in showing some friends who really hate winter ( the snowy kind) the beauty in it again .....I go and spend the winter in Michigan ....on a farm , just across the lake from Chicago.....lots of snow.....and it's very new to me, haven't lived in a snowy climate for ....um 51 years up till a couple of years ago ....so you'll probably find me rambing on about the pretty snowflakes and how they sparkle ....


salleh,

Lol! This Rose is the queen of rambling so you go ahead and ramble to me all you want. That farm in Michigan sounds lovely. I can just imagine the fields all covered with snow.

Thanks for posting and for your support.

Fortune
08-28-10, 09:21 PM
I was actually told the diagnoses in a letter Dec 2009. When I went for reassessment, after talking with the psych doc on and off for a few months (one 45 minute session every few weeks), she recommended me to a psychologist. I had two visits with him and the outcome of that was sent back to the psych doc by letter of which I received a copy. And yes it was a bit of a shock.

No they didnít discuss it much with me. I got most of my information off the net and from a few books that had been recommended to me. I feel their way of not discussing it is to avoid the possibility of suggestion. On my next visit to the psych doc I asked her if they thought that was what it was and she just said ďYesĒ and asked if I wanted to ask her anything but I was at a loss.

I also asked for a copy of my medical records. I was past being afraid to ask for them, I was angry and I was very curious about what they had been saying about me all these years. The records only go back twenty years. She said they donít hold onto anything older than that.

I waited about two months but I got them eventually. I degraded all the appointment letters, hospital admissions, ward reports etc and kept psych docs reports and diagnoses.

I havenít read them since that first time. They werenít as bad as I thought they would be. Iíll post more about them later.

I start to get a little down and I start to get a little ****ed off. I donít know what the hell is going on and I donít think they do either.

Okay, this sounds pretty deeply unprofessional. I mean, dropping a diagnosis on you and not even really taking the time to explain it? Or asking anything beyond "Do you have any questions?" like "Would you like me to go over some information with you?"

(((hugs))) and sympathies. You deserve much better.

Song of Mercy
08-28-10, 10:18 PM
So much of what you have said is familiar to me Rose. I get more support online than anywhere else. I also go through times when I do not post much. Sometimes, I feel a deep sense of dread that I cannot explain. That is when I stop posting. As to dx's I have been dxed with everything. It is discouraging because non of the meds have helped me that much. I got frustrated a year and a half ago, threw my meds out and started therapy again. Maybe it was just my time because I have had a good year. Partly I found myself able to accept more personal responsibility, and in my situation that has been vital. I feel more in control of my life.

I play online literati, if you ever want to play let me know.

Bluerose
08-28-10, 10:34 PM
Okay, this sounds pretty deeply unprofessional. I mean, dropping a diagnosis on you and not even really taking the time to explain it? Or asking anything beyond "Do you have any questions?" like "Would you like me to go over some information with you?"

(((hugs))) and sympathies. You deserve much better.


I just accepted it because I thought it’s just the national health service what can you expect.

I decided in March or April this year to knock it on the head. A 45 minute session every six weeks or so, what good can that do?

Besides, whenever I saw them I was in ‘reality mode'. They never saw me when I was 'out of it'. It seems to be an episode thing that when serious is about once or twice a year.

I’m feeling fine just now. Get a bit down and frustrated but nothing I can’t handle.

Thanks for posting. :)

Bluerose
08-28-10, 10:46 PM
This is quite a good description of DID -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dpsGR0yLHE

Sandy4957
08-28-10, 10:51 PM
Wow, Bluerose... That sounds so much like bipolar to me... The not sleeping as you're on the way down is very familiar. I am cyclothymic, you may know. It's sort of a bipolar light.

Do you ever go manic where you stay up for days at a time, talk very fast, become convinced that you can accomplish many things and maybe get a little psychotic where you see shapes, etc.? I have probably only ever had one full-blown manic phase brought on by five days without sleep.

Do you ever try sleep aids? You know that over-the-counter antihistamines like Benadryl can be very effective in the short term to make you fall asleep. I find that I can stave off a downturn by staving off the upturn, and that means forcing myself to fall asleep.

I've tried mood stabilizers. Have you? For me the lows are not so low and the highs are kind of fun, so I don't take them anymore. But they can help.

It often seems like the British health care system is good for many things but not so good for something like this. An appointment every six weeks isn't going to accomplish squat....

This is perhaps out of your price range, and also perhaps unavailable where you are, but I got some relief with something called "brain state conditioning." You might like it since you meditate.

Hang in there, Bluerose. As you know, this will pass and you WILL feel good again. But it sure sucks when you're in the midst of it...

Bluerose
08-28-10, 11:22 PM
So much of what you have said is familiar to me Rose. I get more support online than anywhere else. I also go through times when I do not post much. Sometimes, I feel a deep sense of dread that I cannot explain. That is when I stop posting. As to dx's I have been dxed with everything. It is discouraging because non of the meds have helped me that much. I got frustrated a year and a half ago, threw my meds out and started therapy again. Maybe it was just my time because I have had a good year. Partly I found myself able to accept more personal responsibility, and in my situation that has been vital. I feel more in control of my life.

I play online literati, if you ever want to play let me know.


Hi! Howís the new baby? Congratulations!


It is discouraging. One psychiatrist, some time ago, said to me do you really need a label. I said, "No. I just need to know that I'm not going crazy. I have kids to take care of." I didn't have time to go mad. :)

Having read quite a bit on it, I'm not as afraid of it as I used to be. When I saw movies like Sybil and the like I thought, Oh my god! But it's not like that. And I think I have already come through the worst of it before they even came up with the diagnoses.

I was too afraid to tell psych docs or anyone what it was like back then. I was afraid of losing my children so I kept it to myself and worked to cope with it the best way I could. It was only when the kids were almost grown that I finally opened up to someone.

I still wasn't sure that it was MPD or DID but I worked to put it to rest and I have almost succeeded. I think I should consider myself a survivor of DID. Like the woman said in the link above, it goes from one end of the spectrum to the other. I don't think I'm too far along that spectrum. I just get overtired and it tries to raise its ugly head.

I'm glad things are going well.

I love your poetry.

Bluerose
08-29-10, 01:18 AM
Here’s a little more insight into where I am coming from. This is helping, people. Thank you for your posts and your support.

My dad was moody and bad tempered and he committed suicide. Being a 'Glasgow hard man' he didn’t seek help. I doubt he even considered that there might be something wrong with his behaviour. From all the reading I have done over the years, I suspected that he might have had a borderline personality disorder.

There were times in my twenties when I felt like I was hanging on by the skin of my teeth. But I wouldn't put my children through what my dad put us through. And as suicidal as I was from time to time, I knew I would never do that to my children.

I began to read everything I could get my hands on. I had no idea what I was looking for, I was stumbling around looking for answers to questions I didn't even have yet. I didn’t know what was going on but if I was going mad I wasn’t going without a fight. I had plenty time to read once the kids were in bed and hubby was away somewhere playing silly buggers - as they say in the army.


Sandy,

As for meds, I think it's now a case of no thanks been there don't that not going there again. If I was working or had young children to take care of now I might consider it but all the marital and parental pressures are off now. Pressure and stress was definitely a huge factor in what I was dealing with.

And I did used to stay up for days on end when I was younger. Now though it's like two nights in a row is too much. I don't know about feeling like I could accomplish many things but yes I do seem to get a lot done. I mean I don't just sit and fret about how I'm feeling. It's almost like I have to be doing something - or I'll just sit here and worry about going mad.

And yes I do experience what I call 'extra mental activity' and this is when I usually realise that it's a bit serious and that I might not be able to get a hold on it by myself. Up until then I can usually tell myself it's my imagination and it will stop if I just stay calm. Staying calm is important for me at these times. So long as I can stay calm I can deal with it okay. But sometimes I feel like a watch spring that is wound up too tight - something's got to give.

Bluerose
08-29-10, 02:18 AM
I will add that my sister-in-law became extremely sick a few years back. We never knew her diagnosis other than that depression was certainly in the mix, as was psychosis. She was also very disorganized in her thinking. You could tell that her mind was racing. Conversations with her were scattered, like talking to a child that can't hold a thread consistently.

She improved with treatment. The psychosis largely went away, though it peeked back in now and then. Her thinking became more organized. She was brighter and more responsive to those around her. I'm not sure what medication she took, but I suspect that an anti-depressant was a part of it.

It was interesting because, at the time, she "felt" a lot like my schizophrenic clients do. The disorganization was the major component that "felt" that way to me. I mentioned it later to a psychiatrist who told me that lots of disorders can cause distraction and disorganization, including extreme depression.

Anyway, that's what makes me curious about how you feel when you are not here. I'm curious if you, for example, become concerned that people don't want you here or something (i.e., you're isolating yourself, etc.)...

For me, I usually don't post when I'm "too busy." That might be more in my head than anything, and it's not necessarily a sign of mental health. But it's what I do.

How about you, Bluerose?



Sandy4957,

This thing of mine seems to come in episodes, so it's not there all the time. When it's happening, I can feel like I'm not making much sense. I've also gotten used to other people's reaction, mostly just family. My sister is apt to give me?? 'a look' when I'm rabbiting on or seem to be 'not myself'. I don't think she even realises she's doing it.

I could describe it some more but to be honest I'm not sure if I am describing it properly. One of my fears at the time is that there may be more going on than I'm aware of. It might take someone who knows me to describe how I behave. To be honest I have never had the courage to ask them. It passes and I tend to not want to go over it once it has. I seem to prefer forgetting all about it, on some level it's scary and on another level it's embarrassing. Sometimes I think itís the elephant in the room - everyone sees it but no one wants to bring it up. They think Iím weird anyway, what with the meditation and the relaxation and the wind chimes. :)

I tend to stay home when I'm 'out of it' apart from forcing myself to take a walk or just visit my sister. By the way I don't smoke anything, I don't do drugs, and I enjoy a Friday night bottle of wine with a take-a-way and that's it. Just in case you were wondering. :)

I have been on anti- psychotic meds in the past. But a part of my 'scary stuff' was hearing a voice telling me not to take them. When I finally told the psych doc about this back in the 80s his reaction pleased me no end - I thought maybe I'm not going crazy after all. He said, "Oh! Is that all. We can fix that." Mind you that meant more meds for a while.

I love organisation and organising. When family socials are planed (I have a baby shower for my daughter to attend next month and one of my son's birthday party), I have to force myself to step back and try not to organise everything and everyone. There were times in the past though when things weren't so organised and sometimes I just couldn't face dealing with it. There were occasions when I stood in front of the stove and couldn't think what to do for dinner. I just couldn't get my head around how to put a meal together. But some of that was down to meds.

When I'm 'down' I can become concerned about my posting and wonder if people are fed up with my rambling bits and pieces. I'm on many forums and my ramblings are all over the net. But to be honest that doesn't last long because I enjoy it and the feed back I get is very reassuring. I do worry that my 'other stuff' shows through in posts and others can see the inconsistency that I feel from time to time.

Okay they diagnosed me with DID but everyone compares that with Multiple personality disorder; other people in the one body. It doesn't feel like that to me. But I'm afraid of being wrong about how I prefer to see it - Dissociative Distress. I feel aware of other parts of Me as in a fragmented or damaged personality. I have mood changes that can make me feel like a different person. I can go from relaxed and quiet to bubbly and excited - bubbly and excited is not me by the way. It might be a part of me but it's not who I am. I notice it too in the clothes and the colours I/we wear, some I wear one day and wouldnít be seen dead in them another day. Or buying stuff I never wear. I solved this by sticking to a specific wardrobe of black trousers and light purple tops and blouses. I think Iím opening up a little more about this. I am conscious of being firm about certain things, almost like having to put my foot down. I don't know if this is making any sense.

Many years ago, after seeing some movie that left me with goose bumps, I did consider the possibility of MPD, we didn't have DID then, but I worked to push the scary thoughts away. It couldn't be that, I told myself. Then I decided to keep a journal. I became aware of a pattern of lost time, shards of memories, and stuff I didn't remember writing. Even talking about it is freaking me out. But it's okay. I want to make some sense of it.

Fortune
08-29-10, 03:45 AM
I don't have any kind of long response to that, Bluerose, and I worry about seeming superficial here, but:

What you're saying makes sense. All of it makes sense, but your penultimate paragraph definitely makes sense.

I wish I could put more words here but I'm not in the right frame of mind to be eloquent at the moment.

Bluerose
08-29-10, 11:57 AM
I know I've posted this somewhere else on here but it offers a little more insight to where I came from and where I'm going. So I hope no one minds if I re-post it here.

On boards, when giving someone my two cents worth, I often say, “I’m an expert in nothing but my own life.” I was a mental and emotional mess; a child in pain, a suicidal teenager, and a young adult struggling to be a good wife and mother. It was really tough at times because I didn’t have the capacity alone to deal with Life. I believed my spirit had been broken. It could be mended, and I believe it has been, but it will never be whole. I had, however, an inner resource but I never appreciated it because I thought I was going mad. It was only much later that I found the courage to get some professional help and come to terms with what my life had been like for me since the day I was born. I recreated myself. I read everything I could get my hands on. And my experience is my experience and it probably helps no one but me. But I am today the result of all my hard work and I enjoy sharing what I can when I can. And if one line or even just a few words of something I wrote resonates with someone who might be struggling then my now not so sad life was worth living after all. We can’t stop trying to help ourselves - and each other. It’s that fact that makes this life worth living and it makes this world a much better place than the one some of us grew up in.

Fortune
08-29-10, 01:09 PM
I really like that sentiment, and it resonates with me very strongly.

Especially this:

And if one line or even just a few words of something I wrote resonates with someone who might be struggling then my now not so sad life was worth living after all. We can’t stop trying to help ourselves - and each other. It’s that fact that makes this life worth living and it makes this world a much better place than the one some of us grew up in.

I need to remember this more than I do.

Song of Mercy
08-30-10, 12:13 AM
Rose, I think challenges that are well met become pillars which hold a future we otherwise could not have bore. I agree with the last post and the quote. For me, I have hurt, and processed and realize I will never hurt that much over the same thing again. I used to hurt the same way over and over, and then I began to process and think about things here and found some kindness which kept me from hiding. I did re-enter therapy and I needed it, but that is not the point really. The point is that you are a woman of character. Much more than one small line or word resonates with others.

I used to read your wisdoms, and reread them. Do you remember the ones you sent me a couple of years ago? You are perceptive and insightful. We will get through this winter together. I have to believe that there is purpose to a life such as yours. Not a spent purpose or an accomplished purpose. Rather a continuing purpose.

I hope I am not being creepy.

sarek
08-30-10, 02:52 AM
I always think that the hottest fire forges the strongest steel. And both you Rose, and Song are very good examples of that.

Bluerose
08-30-10, 07:02 AM
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement.
I’m feeling a little sad. But that’s good because it means I’m dealing. I’m aware of this and I can do something about it. In fact I’m on my way at 1pm to a craft fair with my sister. Keeping busy is the answer for now.

Song of Mercy
08-30-10, 01:01 PM
I agree Rose. Being able to know your sad, know your human and you are allowed to be sad and choosing to live in spite of it is a very good sign.

Bluerose
08-31-10, 05:04 AM
Well I went to the craft fair, bought some knitted baby stuff for new baby coming. I had my palm read, haven’t done that in years. Here’s what I can remember of what she told me. I spend too much time alone, I’m not romantically connected by choice, I use my hands a lot, asked me if I was a writer, told me I should blow the dust of that book and give it another go, I was locked inside myself, there has been a lot of pain but it is getting better, said I was very concerned about someone but that they would be just fine, I will take a trip to London (quite possible), I will take a trip abroad (I don’t see it), some more personal stuff to do with family, and then a lot of stuff about not worrying so much and it being okay to let people see the real me,,,, Can’t remember much more right now.

Feeling a bit better but it’s one of those up and down times, just when you think you’re up… Whoosh! And you’re back to not feeling so hot. I am trying to get some sleep because it helps. But I couldn’t sleep last night and got up just after 4am. I’ll work on getting some sleep that should help and I’ll check back later.

Song of Mercy
08-31-10, 03:31 PM
I know what you mean Rose. I go through cycles in which I feel really good about myself and I feel good physically. Then, things become a challenge again. It may be different for me as I don't think it is connected with a personality disorder, but then, truth is transcendent isn't it?

Sweet Dreams :)

Bluerose
09-01-10, 06:17 AM
Still feeling okay. Took a walk this morning, it was lovely.
Song, you’re right, the result of a lack of sleep doesn’t mean you have a disorder. For me, it’s not so much about not getting enough sleep, it’s more about getting a good sleep. If I sleep 4 or 5 hours straight that does me good. But 8 or 9 hours, getting up 2 or 3 times is not so good. I had a decent sleep last night. I’m doing okay. Thanks.

Song of Mercy
09-01-10, 01:53 PM
Nice to hear Rose! Yay. I will gladly rejoice over one awesome day brought on by a smidge of truly refreshing sleep...it is like finding the golden chalice!

Bluerose
09-07-10, 04:50 AM
I'm doing okay still. Been doing some more reading. Bringing myself up to date with DID information. I found this video on YouTube. I think it's absolutely brilliant. If you want to gain a glimmer of understanding into life with DID in under three minutes, this is an excellent introduction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUaLXDIyfew&feature=player_embedded

Bluerose
09-08-10, 01:22 PM
Iím doing much better. Got some nice social events coming up. Time to go shopping for something nice to wear. :)

Fortune
09-08-10, 06:19 PM
oh, I am envious. I really need to go shopping for some nice clothes.

Glad you're doing better, Bluerose. :D

LilaADHD
09-17-10, 04:36 PM
My 58 yr old brother had a lot of loss in his life, (death of parents, divorce, 25 yr business gone, son off to Iraq), he had a breakdown with depression and being put into a facility of sorts and went from 0 meds to like 8. He then began with obsessions, memory loss, confusion, suicidal, then the distrust of everything and everyone (paranoid). The depression has been on and off through his life but none of the others. Anyone experience have an idea about this. I believe all my siblings have ADD and we have a some autism and schizophrenia in the family.

Fortune
09-17-10, 05:18 PM
Bluerose, are things going okay for you lately?

Bluerose
10-06-10, 11:07 PM
Doing okay. But went on meds 19th Sep and have an appointment with psych doc near the end of this month. Don’t know what’s going on. May have switched. Not feeling much. Be back soon.

Fortune
10-07-10, 12:15 AM
Okay, hope that works well. :)

Glad to hear from you.

Lunacie
10-07-10, 10:38 AM
Doing okay. But went on meds 19th Sep and have an appointment with psych doc near the end of this month. Donít know whatís going on. May have switched. Not feeling much. Be back soon.

Glad you're checking in. We watched the Oprah show last night as she was doing a piece on DID. Gosh, I didn't realize it had been twenty years since she had Truddi Chase on her show. Truddi had written a book "When Rabbit Howls" that was made into a movie. This was only about 4 years after I began dealing with my own childhood sexual abuse issues so it was especially fascinating to me. Thankfully my own abuse was nowhere near as severe as hers and I was mistaking my undiagnosed ADHD and Anxiety for DID. Anyway, it was an interesting show last night as well. Thought I'd mention it in case anyone was interested in checking to see if they can watch it online.

Bluerose
10-20-10, 05:39 AM
Feeling much better. It’s like walking through a doorway and everything is so much brighter on this side. Thanks for the support.

Talked to my two sisters about this (DID) for the first time. They confirm that I just appeared to be dealing with depression from time to time. They have never seen anything strange about me. This is helpful because one of the main worries for me, if DID is the problem, was the stuff that might have been going on that I may have been unaware of. But they said there hasn’t been anything like that and that I have always been like this and that there feelings towards me have never and will never change.

Have an appointment with psych doc on Tue. I want to ask her about her thoughts on DID. She’s a consultant with other people working under her. I’m hoping she has some helpful information.

Lunacie
10-20-10, 10:01 AM
I'm glad to hear things are brighter for you. And I know it's a relief to hear from your sisters that your behavior never got so quirky that they were going to call the men in the white coats. When I was so horribly depressed and wondering about DID (because I didn't know anything about ADHD and ASD back then) I also wondered whether I'd done anything that I couldn't remember. With ADHD there is a lot that we don't remember, so it wasn't much of a leap to wonder if I'd forgotten because I wasn't "me".

Hope the P-doc is a good match for you, someone you'll feel comfortable talking with, someone who will listen and offer some helpful insights. Good luck.

Bluerose
11-03-10, 08:27 AM
Dissociative Identity Disorder - the holly grail of the psychiatric profession. How do you deal with an 'illness' that half the so called health profession don't believe exists? I expect some of you know what that feels like. Diagnosed last year with Dissociative Identity Disorder, I'm beginning to make sense of a lot of my life. I have been writing about my experiences and DID seems to be the answer - maybe the only answer. Learning about this diagnoses last year freaked me out a little to begin with but I feel good again and I think I'm actually enjoying writing about this.


Psych doc’s visit wasn’t helpful. Just going over the same old thing. She said I have probably created for myself the best coping tools. I got the feeling that that was all she had to offer. And that anything else would mean going deep into the past and a lot of hard work. And probably a waste of her time and mine at this stage in my life. I have to agree. I see no point in delving into stuff I don’t even remember. It looks like I have come through the worst of it before I even knew what was going on. I’m writing about it on and off and that helps. But it looks like the worst thing I’m dealing with now is the depression caused by fallout and flashbacks. Keeping this in mind helps to keep it all in perspective. Coming here and reading over what I have written is also very helpful, as is your support. Thank you.

peripatetic
11-03-10, 08:36 AM
hi bluerose,

i'm glad to hear you're feeling better when writing:)

i have a question, if you don't mind (??):

if i'm understanding at all correctly there's a splintering of person at some level. is it possible or even desirable to remove splintered parts or to somehow merge them in a more permanent way?

i can't conceive of what could make that possible, but i'm curious as to whether that's something thought of as even desirable.

best wishes to you:)

SuzzanneX
11-03-10, 10:21 AM
Hi Rose...
....funny you should ask.....lately I've been listening to alot of syd barrett music...
he is the author of my signature quote.

....................His story is fascinating.....without him, pink floyd would not exist.


......not only is he the god father of random percision music...he is also the poster child for skizophrenia.com

http://www.schizophrenia.com/stories/sbarrett.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ea5whDFnV-o

They call him the first acid (LSD) casualty...
.....however.....he was pre disposed to mental illness...

they say creative geniuses are most at risk...
.....and he would have gotten it sooner or later.

I love syd.
...I even go to a syd barrett disscussion forum

he died in 2006 of diabetic complications at 60 years old.

syd was the inspiration for most of pink floyd's songs

"wish you were here" and "shine on you crazy diamond" were about syd.

SuzzanneX
11-03-10, 10:30 AM
that clip is just part one of syd's story...
......there's five parts.

Bluerose
11-03-10, 10:36 AM
peripatetic,

Brilliant question. Thanks for asking as it gives me a chance to write some more about it, and I'm finding that quite helpful just now.

As I'm sure you can understand it is a very complex subject to explain or describe. Here is a short version of my understanding of it.

As I understanding it, it has more to do with a fragmented personality or psyche. It seems when very young and unable to understand or deal with certain emotions (or be too afraid to show or express them) the child will push them away, do this often enough and these emotions seem to take on a life of their own. The growing child can usually mange things quite well, some may see the other parts as imaginary friends.

But, as I found when reaching adulthood, it turns into something less pleasant and becomes less manageable. For example 'one part' took on the roll of anger and, for me in my twenties, she was the most difficult to deal with. And another took on the roll of sadness, she was depressed and suicidal.

I do not believe it is possible to remove them. My understanding is that the best course of action is to accept what is going on, stay calm, gain more information, and work at 'getting along' through communication, negotiation and compromise.

I worked to ignore what was going on for such a long time and I paid dearly - with real time and energy.

I also found that acknowledging them instead of trying to ignore them made life easier. This wasn't an overnight miracle cure, it took many years to come to this understanding.

The process went something like this - In my twenties, married five years with two little boys, I became aware that something 'strange' was going. I didn't have the courage to ask anyone about it. I told myself that it was just my imagination and worked to ignore it. Was 'pestered' by 'it' on and off for another few years.

Read about MPD (it hadn't been reclassified to DID yet). Read about acknowledging 'them', and communicating with 'them', and thanking them for taking care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. Tried this out and it seems to have helped. Realised that I had given them names and then read that that wasn't such a good idea as it lent more substance to 'them'. So I stopped using names.

Not the ideal way to go but it was all I had at the time. Gradually over time, even before I was officially diagnosed, I had it sorted. Today, we mostly get along quietly, I have my 'mood swings' but I just go with it and try not to **** anyone off too much.

I continue to acknowledge 'them', as in expressing appreciation and love for myself - my whole-self.

The 'merging' is called integration. And yes it is the best way to go. I wouldn't have said that ten or even five years ago because there was a need, I needed 'them', and it would have been like cutting off my right arm. But with time and understanding I can see now that it is the best way to go and it's what I have been working towards. But I don't believe 'it' ever goes away, it just gets quieter. Any pressure or stress around and 'their' presence is felt.

Bluerose
11-03-10, 10:44 AM
SuzzanneX,

Hi! Thanks. I'll check that out.

SuzzanneX
11-03-10, 10:45 AM
I also wanted to say..
.....syd never had to work a day in his life.....pink floyd took care of him financially.

he was extremely functional, as a painter, a gardener, he was obviously a musician,
....he saw music as colors....and HE CHOSE not to go mainstream....apparently
it did'nt appeal to his sense of creativity....
.....doing the same thing over and over....was not his way.

he was very entertained by his own thoughts...and did'nt like being distracted
....I can relate to that! ...I'm kinda self absorbed myself.

SuzzanneX
11-03-10, 10:46 AM
Hi Honey! *hugs you*

SuzzanneX
11-03-10, 10:55 AM
http://www.schizophrenia.com/stories/sbarrett.htm


whoops! ...I screwed the link up...lol!

Bluerose
11-03-10, 12:18 PM
Thanks to SuzzanneX, I've been reading about Syd Barrett.

Syd was said to be schizophrenic. I have often wondered about people who suddenly step back from or leave their area of expertise as if they have forgotten how to do it. One strange thought is, could they be DID. And Could it be that it's a part of them that is brilliant and when they 'switch', they have to deal with being unable to perform. I wonder how much truth there might be in that. I guess we will never know.

SuzzanneX
11-03-10, 02:47 PM
Rose...


heres what alice cooper said about syd:


"Syd Barrett I remember, (though) I don't remember him ever saying two words. It wasn't because he was a snob; he was a very strange person. He never talked, but we'd be sitting at dinner (at our house in Venice, LA) and all of a sudden I'd pick up the sugar and pass it to him, and he'd shake his head like 'Yeah, thanks,' It was like I heard him say 'Pass the sugar' - it's like telepathy; it really was. It was very weird. You would find yourself right in the middle of doing something, as you were passing the sugar or whatever, and you'd think, 'Well, damn! I didn't hear anybody say anything!' That was the first time in my life I'd ever met anybody that could actually do that freely. And this guy did it all the time."



...this is what syd's sister had to say about his "insanity'

My lovably ordinary brother Syd

The ‘crazy diamond’ founder of Pink Floyd was no acid casualty or recluse. He loved art and DIY, his sister Rosemary tells his biographer Tim Willis in her first interview for 30 years
When the death of 60-year-old Roger "Syd" Barrett was announced on Tuesday, the media raised an astonishing last hurrah for the founder of Pink Floyd, the "crazy diamond" who had shunned the public gaze for decades.

The descriptions of him as a "mad genius", "recluse" and "acid casualty" were far off the mark, however, according to his sister Rosemary.

When I wrote Barrett’s biography, Madcap, four years ago I had off-the-record guidance from Rosemary -- his junior by two years and closest friend. Last week, after his death, we spoke again and this time she went on the record -- the first time she has given a press interview for more than 30 years.

She described him as a loving man who "simply couldn’t understand" the continued interest in his distant Pink Floyd years and was too absorbed in his own thoughts to spare time for fans.

While her account is naturally fond, one should remember that she has spent much of her working life as a nurse and therefore sees no stigma in mental illness. As children, she and Barrett shared a bedroom and she recalls him leaping from his sheets to conduct an imaginary orchestra. He always had an extraordinary mind, bordering on the autistic or Aspergic. He had a rare talent to exploit ambiguities in language and also experienced synaesthesia -- the ability to "see sounds and hear colours" -- which was to be a huge influence on his music in his psychedelic phase.

As a performing artist, signed to a label, he was under enormous strain. Not only did he find fame a two-edged sword, he was also deeply resistant to his record company’s commercial demands. He was run ragged. Between January 1966, when the Floyd turned professional, and January 1968, Barrett played 220 gigs around Britain -- not to mention broadcasting and performances abroad -- as well as writing, recording and co-producing two hit singles, most of the band’s first album and part of the second.

While his enthusiastic ingestion of any drugs available might have triggered some disturbing behaviour, such stress might tip anyone into nervous collapse.

From 1981, when he returned from London to the suburbs of his native Cambridge, resumed the name Roger and set up home in his mother’s modest semi, he made faltering but significant progress.

Rosemary is adamant that he neither suffered from mental illness nor received treatment for it at any time since they resumed regular contact 25 years ago. At first he did spend some time in a private "home for lost souls" -- Greenwoods in Essex -- but she says there was no formal therapy programme there. ("And besides, he didn’t mix, because he was very content to be basket weaving and making things.") Later he agreed to some sessions with a psychiatrist at Fulbourn psychiatric hospital, Cambridge, but neither medication nor therapy was considered appropriate.

He might have continued to find social interaction difficult -- when I knocked on his door while writing my book he greeted me in his underpants and avoided conversation by saying that he was just looking after the house -- but the idea that he "didn’t recognise he was Syd" is nonsense. His troubled years had been so painful that even thinking about his former incarnation upset him, so he made a conscious effort to avoid that trap.

Because he was so interested in his own thoughts, his sister said, he often forgot about the mundane chores essential to comfort. To keep an eye on him, she would visit or phone every day and sometimes accompany him on expeditions into town.

Earlier this year an old friend saw the pair in Robert Sayles, the Cambridge department store, and went up to renew their acquaintance. "Hello, Syd," he said. "Do you remember me?"

"Yup," replied Barrett. But Rosemary cut in with "Roger is only interested in buying some ties today", and led her brother away. Now she admits she might have been over-protective.

Barrett lived in the semi with his mother until her death in 1991 and then remained there alone. "So much of his life was boringly normal," said Rosemary. "He looked after himself and the house and garden. He went shopping for basics on his bike -- always passing the time of day with the local shopkeepers -- and he went to DIY stores like B&Q for wood, which he brought home to make things for the house and garden.

"Actually, he was a hopeless handyman, he was always laughing at his attempts, but he enjoyed it. Then there was his cooking. Like everyone who lives on their own, he sometimes found that boring but he became good at curries.

"When Roger was working he liked to listen to jazz tapes. Thelonious Monk, Django Reinhardt, Charlie Parker and Miles Davis were his favourites -- he always found something new in them -- but apart from the early Rolling Stones, he’d lost interest in pop music a long time ago.

"As for a television or radio, he didn’t feel the need to own one because he didn’t want to waste any energy concentrating on it. It’s not that he couldn’t apply his mind. He read very deeply about the history of art and actually wrote an unpublished book about it, which I’m too sad to read at the moment. But he found his own mind so absorbing that he didn’t want to be distracted.

"He did have leisure interests. He took up photography, and sometimes we went to the seaside together. Quite often he took the train on his own to London to look at the major art collections -- and he loved flowers. He made regular trips to the Botanic Gardens and to the dahlias at Anglesey Abbey, near Lode. But of course, his passion was his painting.

"Roger worked in a variety of styles -- though he admired no one after the impressionists -- and you could say he came up with his own type of conceptual art. He would photograph a particular flower and paint a large canvas from the photograph. Then he would make a photographic record of the picture before destroying the canvas. In a way, that was very typical of his approach to life. Once something was over, it was over. He felt no need to revisit it.

"That’s why he avoided contact with journalists and fans. He simply couldn’t understand the interest in something that had happened so long ago and he wasn’t willing to interrupt his own musings for their sake. After a while he and I stopped discussing the times he was bothered. We both knew what we thought and we simply had nothing more to add. It became easiest to pretend those incidents never happened and just blank them out.

"Roger may have been a bit selfish -- or rather self-absorbed -- but when people called him a recluse they were really only projecting their own disappointment. He knew what they wanted but he wasn’t willing to give it to them.

"Roger was unique; they didn’t have the vocabulary to describe him and so they pigeonholed him. If only they had seen him with children. His nieces and nephews, the kids in the road -- he would have them in stitches. He could talk at length and he played with words in a way that children instinctively appreciated, even if it sometimes threw adults."

He was quite a sharp dresser, too. "He didn’t follow fashion -- he just bought what he liked for himself -- but he liked to look presentable. His clothes were always clean and pressed. In fact, if he had an obsession, it was with that."

Barrett suffered from stomach ulcers for 30 years -- which he managed by drinking milk -- and also developed diabetes. "But he simply refused to admit it to himself. For days at a time he wouldn’t take his pills -- which, being a nurse, could have worried me. But to be honest, it can’t have been very severe because he never showed any ill effects."

What he did show, she said, was love: "I gave it to him and he gave it to me. He was incredibly supportive when our mother died. And in the past week I’ve been surprised to learn how popular he was with the local tradesmen. He was simply a very lovable person.

"He showed his personality in lots of different ways -- which some outsiders found confusing -- but underneath he was solid as a rock. It may have been a responsibility to look out for him, but it was never a burden."

SuzzanneX
11-03-10, 02:56 PM
SYD WAS AN INDIVIDUAL.
..........he was an artist, of all art. I don't think he was as "crazy" as they say.

syd was so intelligent, it was over people's head....yeah, he did too much acid...
......but, he created too much when he left pink floyd to have disentegrated

lynette19775
11-26-10, 06:25 PM
Hi Rose!

I do not have DID, but I just read a wonderful book by a man who does. It is called "A Fractured Mind" by Robert Oxnam. I thought it was wonderfully insightful and it comes straight from the horse's mouth (the man with the disorder) and not the doctors who think they know what is going on. You might enjoy it. I hope you see this post as I see that much time has passed since the last post to this thread, but I'm new here. I just wanted to wish you all the best!

doiadhd
12-11-10, 01:02 AM
bluerose

adhd would never be diagnosed in this countree
the system has issues

they believed adhd would vanish in adulthood

not sure how to put this
this countree couldn't give a toss

dissociation is adhd

if nhs
they have serious moral issues

Icecream
12-11-10, 03:41 AM
With DID I am confused because the name changed. I had the understanding that it was two different people, or that people with DID don't remember what happened. Also, can a diagnosis of DID be related to drug or alcohol use? Mood change is not DID. I had somebody ask me if I had this label and I do not relate to it at all. Mainly, because I don't trust the people who have stated this. When it is family I do not agree. Especially when they suffer from a mood disorder, anything related to family conflick or experiences that I have had, makes me remove them from accurately portraying my account. Bias, or personal conflict with family makes me not trust their opinion.

peripatetic
12-11-10, 03:52 AM
icecream,

i have very little knowledge/understanding of dissociative identity disorder--what little i do have is from conversing with bluerose, actually. she posted a really insightful video earlier in this thread that you may find resonates, or doesn't. from what i gather there are many, many symptoms resulting from/involved with dissociative identity disorder. the splintering of self doesn't seem to be as simple as two different people, though...from my ignorant and inexperienced perspective...and my impression is that the "multiple personality" terminology created a misperception and dissociative identity disorder better matches with the array of symptoms and possible/suspect/known causes (like i said, i'm much more of a learner on this and so may not be using the best terms myself).

have you spoken with a mental health professional about your/your family's suspicions? as well-intended (or not) as your family may be, i think talking to someone about what concerns you have and working through them with someone better trained and experienced in diagnosis would be a good idea.

best wishes to you and welcome to the forums:)

EDIT: post #34 contains the video that i found incredibly moving. there's also a video that bluerose put in post #18 that she found to be a good explanation that i haven't watched, but i'm sure it is if she said so:)

meadd823
12-11-10, 06:39 AM
dissociation is adhd



I can understand where this may seem to be true - They do share a couple of traits.

It is the same but different and really not as easy to explain as I was hoping it would be. Both are spectrum disorders and both effect behavior

Many ADDers have blurred sense of identity because they live in the moment - they can not connect the past with the present nor do they have a sense of the future so they have a lacking in identity

DID - are not lacking in personal identity they have personality splintering at a young enough age where the splinters develop lives of their won so to speak.



However ADDers do not have distinct separate personalities, ADDers {who do not have comorbid personality disorders} have a stable personality even if their mood may change from moment to moment

Memory issues - can seem to be the same between ADDers and DID however the distinction is in the continuity - ADDers tend to lack a working memory period this lacking does get worse with stresses but crappy working memory is also present in the ADDers even when not stressed -in other words ADDers crap memory is consistent. With the DID person memories are associated with identity and situation , DID amnesia effects long term memory as well.


Both have warped sense of time that they may or may not be ware of but again the difference is consistency and perception - ADDers time is relative to situation - when bored time creeps where as when engaged time flies this is consistent in the ADDer poo poo time perception

- DID time warps are not based upon boredom but upon triggers.

ADD is a dis-regulation of working memory and stimuli filtering.We are born ADHD , it is a difference we have to learn how to cope with. ADHD is associated with how the brain is wired - being ADD to me is a natural neurodiversity.

DID - is associated with emotions and personal identity that changes according to situations that trigger emotional memories, Although it may be genetically influenced DID it is a coping mechanism associated with abuse or trauma - It is not some thing one is born with.

Just to make life more interesting - one can have both.

I did not get much from the video the girl recommended books and that is about all I got out of that

For those who prefer reading

Dissociative Identity Disorder (http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder?page=4)


dissociative-disorders (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dissociative-disorders/DS00574/DSECTION=symptoms)

I have a mild form most marked by my depersonalization (Depersonalization Disorder) I am one of the "lucky 2% where this is chronic.

I do not qualify for full blown DID because I lack the amnesia. I have under gone extensive counseling and attempts at "integration" with minimal effectiveness. Because I was never going to be "whole" so I learned ways to use the splintering effect to my own advantage in ways that go undetected by most.

peripatetic
12-11-10, 07:18 AM
meadd,

i really appreciate the links (as definitely more a reader myself) and have a question about your usage of "chronic" with your depersonalization: when you say chronic i'm assuming the extended duration, but is it something that is recurring and thus not continually present or is the feeling more a theme/component/facet (unsure how to best term) of an underlying framework permeating all of your experience? also (i guess i have two questions:rolleyes:) , when you say chronic, are you indicating that it progresses in some way; e.g. if intermittent is it the case that slowly there is less time between "episodes" (unsure what to call it:confused:) or that they are more intense or, if more structural in how you experience yourself/world/others do you find that slowly it has become a more dominant theme/component/etc?

also, icecream: i was just reading over some of this thread and from bluerose's description in response to a question i posed (my question is post #45 and her reply is #48), it sounds like there's a strong emotional component to the splintering and so while it isn't *only* a mood change, it sounds like there can be a significant accompanying mood change.

meadd823
12-11-10, 08:29 PM
meadd,

i really appreciate the links (as definitely more a reader myself) and have a question about your usage of "chronic" with your depersonalization: when you say chronic i'm assuming the extended duration, but is it something that is recurring and thus not continually present or is the feeling more a theme/component/facet (unsure how to best term) of an underlying framework permeating all of your experience? also (i guess i have two questions:rolleyes:) , when you say chronic, are you indicating that it progresses in some way; e.g. if intermittent is it the case that slowly there is less time between "episodes" (unsure what to call it:confused:) or that they are more intense or, if more structural in how you experience yourself/world/others do you find that slowly it has become a more dominant theme/component/etc?




Like those with full blown DID my splintering is triggered by certain situations, it is not easily seen because I tend to place myself in these situations often enough the "alter" becomes just another part of the main but it took counseling to teach me how to make the transition seem normal

The effects are obvious once the connection is made by revelation of my diagnosis - Note the drastic difference between my moderator notes and my regular postings.

The part of me that moderates is separate from the part of me that is a member - the changes is drastic enough that it effects my writing pattern - The moderator actually spells a bit better than the member. The switch is automatic I had to be trained to see it - what I depersonalize is my emotions the emotions belong to "another" and I do not feel in alter - I have used this extensively when nursing and again as a business partner when things go wonky and the testosterone gets buttocks deep - I switch enabling me to make decisions free from emotions of loyalty or personal preferences.

I did not realize how far into the personality disorders I was until by chance I began privately comparing notes with a member who was diagnosed as psychopath - It would appear my early exposure and subsequent exploitation by a certain male psychopath caused my personality to splinter. I was the school girl , the alter was the exploited prostitute who learned to play the mind game better than the men who took advantage of her - I splinted to protect me the school girl who was not ready for sex much less the mind games associated with being exploited. I had to separate from my emotions to survive and thrive long enough to escape - the problem being I began behind the eight ball due to my age and by the time I "caught up' and advanced well enough to escape the splintering was ingrained.


I lacked emotional attachment to my own emotions - I separate from my own emotions as well as others - Psychopaths remain aware of their emotions some thing I learned used to my own advantage when dealing with them.

Unlike bipolar which is a biological condition my personality is a emotional one and does not progress however it does advance as my knowledge does after all the alter still has access to the same brain full of memories and lessons but it is "computerized".

When I was diagnosed back in the 1980s early 90's one of the distinctions was amnesia - I retain all memories of the main persona and have access to them - the main personal is aware of the alter but they come with a sense of detachment. I feel like I am remembering some one else's memories much a kin to watching TV - matter of fact most people are more emotional attached to movies they watch than I do my own memories.

Most people feel like themselves and view things from a self even if they can perceive more than one point of view - I do not feel any relation to the separate aspects of me although I try to blur the two as prevent it from being detected by those whom I do not wish to know.

Meadd823 the moderator does not feel like me the member - and the member does not relate to the moderator although I retain memory of both and I know in my rational being they are both me even though they don't "feel" like it inside .

Me the business partner does not feel connected to me the wife of my husband which means I can be a force to be reconded with but I also make very decent business decision because I am not burdened with emotions nor do I feel morally obligated to any one in particular The object of the game is to obtain a specified goal.

I retain access to my conscious being psychologist feel it was because I was older when the primary abuse occurred -My technical diagnosis is depersonalization disorder secondary to sexual abuse and exploitation pre-puberty.

When I was diagnosed with ADHD I was hit with the comic revelation that I did not completely splint as many do because as usual I lost interest and failed to follow through.
Good ole ADHD :D

As a side note this is HOW I know the difference between ADHD and disassociated personality disorder , it is also why I fully understand why they can seem like the same thing.

I hope this helps if not let me know and I shall try again :)

nova2012
12-13-10, 05:56 PM
My aunt has DID, morphine/opiate addiction, along with a host of medical conditions, and likely Munchausen Syndrome. She almost seems "addicted" to health problems and the hospital, and winds back up there several times per year after various accidents and incidents. For example, just recently she ended back up there after crashing her electric scooter into a tree, likely because she was drugged to all hell on morphine.

It all started in her early 20s, while in college. She began to deteriorate, and no one really knows why. I don't think she has any psychosis or mood disorders, but again, we don't really know. Her deterioration likely had to do with some innate neuropsychological issues/predispositions, but also with her childhood (along with that of my dad, who's her brother). I don't think she was technically abused (but I don't know for sure...it's certainly possible), but my grandfather walked out on their family when my dad was all of six weeks old to live with another woman. Apparently, he cheated on my grandmother and continued to cheat on all of his girlfriends, too. He's likely a diagnosable narcissist, but he's brilliant (I'm sure the two feed on each other, combined with how his every whim was catered to as a child). He's a neurologist/psychiatrist, has traveled all over the world, and is the most well-read person I've ever met.

Anyway, apparently one of my aunt's personalities is a 5-year-old boy or something (so maybe she is psychotic?), and she apparently takes on that personality entirely. I'm glad I've never seen it; it would likely be highly disturbing. Maybe it makes a difference that she's a lesbian, and she was always a tomboy. Maybe her 5-year-old-boy identity has something to do with that.

My aunt is a bit of a lost cause, and all of us feel terrible about it. She seemed recently to be getting back on her feet, got rid of her toxic and likely mentally ill girlfriend of decades, and was trying to get off of morphine. But then she had the scooter accident, her girlfriend moved back in to "care for her," and she's back where she was. It's so terribly sad, but we're helpless to do anything.

anonymouslyadd
02-04-11, 02:44 AM
Hey bluerose, I was browsing this thread and as I psych major, I'm highly fascinated with MPD/Dissociative Identity Disorder. With that said, I'm not negating the struggles that you go through. In fact, I have a book that I purchased and thouroughly enjoyed reading about a highly successful man who found out that he had MPD. The story is emotionally gripping and you may find it comforting. It is called A Fractured Mind, and it's written as a narrative by Robert B. Oxnam. I really recommend this to you!

Take care.

Bluerose
02-04-11, 04:29 AM
Thanks for hanging around, People. I did spiral down a bit but everything is fine again. It's not so much the DID these days. I think it's just a bit of depression that comes and goes.

I think once you are aware of the DID then you are on the road to recovery. I don't think it's something that many people are aware of when it is actually working for them. I believe we only become aware of it when the need for it is gone.

The depressing part is the length of time it takes to recover from it. It was obviously created when I was a very young child. While growing up I caught hints, glimpses of it but I told myself that it was my imagination.

My dad committed suicide when I was 19. I was married a few months later and left the family home - leaving the 'danger' behind.

Long story short. In my early twenties, I began to become aware of 'another self'. This 'other self' created havoc in my life. We fought and threatened each other with suicide and cutting for a couple of years before 'another self' decided it was time to show her face. This 'self' acted as referee, the peace keeper.

At this time I thought all this was in my head and I was going mad. I was afraid of losing my two little boys so I never told anyone about this craziness. I told myself it was my imagination and that I had to get a grip.

For the next few years we three struggled to get along; One (the angry child, who was now making her presence known because the 'danger' had gone) was causing trouble everywhere; Two (the protector, making her presence known for the same reason) was working to keep the peace; and then there was Me working to ignore the other two.

Other selves gradually surfaced but by then I was reading everything I could get my hands. It was recommended to try to communicate with them, to make peace with them. And in doing so I was actually making peace with myself. I know now that it was all part of the healing process but back then I thought I was going mad.

I worked on bringing them together periodically, the rest of the time I was back to ignoring them and doubting my sanity. It took 10 to 15 years before I felt strong enough to face the reality of the fact that I was ill. But I was recovering and it was time to get some help.

Seeing the actual diagnoses on paper in black and white was still a bit of a shock, even though I had suspected it for awhile. It was like waking up from a really bad dream and finally seeing the cold hard truth of it all.

I think I'm recovering from DID. That's not to say that it's cured but whatever is left to deal with I can deal with it. :)

Bluerose
02-05-11, 04:17 PM
"It is possible to heal without integration. People who choose not to integrate simply focus on communication and cooperation between alters. Many people are able to live healthy, happy lives that way."

I think this is where I am now and have been for the last few years; accepting, co-operating, negotiating, and compromising. I think it's time for integration.


I found this and it helps.

In order to survive abuse, a young child has the ability to fragment her spirit into multiple parts. This is like freezing a lake and breaking off chunks of ice. Even though each chunk of ice appears separate, it is still part of the lake and still belongs in the lake. Just as the warmth of the sun melts chunks of ice back into a lake, the warmth of self-love invites each alter part back into its original place in the soul.

No matter how loving you are toward your alter parts, they can only remain separate by your choice to reject them as part of yourself. Once you accept that they are all You, there will no longer be a need to keep them separate, and they will naturally integrate. Integration does not 'kill' any part of your spirit. Instead, integration merges all of the parts back together. While you will experience those parts of yourself in different ways, they will still be a part of who you are.

Be patient. Most people do not succeed in staying integrated after their first attempt, so be patient with yourself.

As you master this skill you might find that you are staying integrated for longer periods of time. Celebrate your successes and be patient with the process.

You are using an enormous amount of energy to keep yourself compartmentalized. By allowing yourself to integrate, you will free up an enormous amount of energy that you can use to continue healing yourself.

Acknowledge that you are one person. Choosing to integrate can feel like being asked to give up a superpower.

For most of your life, you have not been 'alone' because you have had other parts for companionship. The reality is that you always were only one person. You did not have other people enduring the abuse with you. You faced the abuse alone and created alter parts to give yourself the illusion of having support. While this truth can be hard to accept, it is an important part of healing yourself.

Bluerose
02-05-11, 05:07 PM
http://i351.photobucket.com/albums/q462/fairladyblue/287ql3s.jpg

My favourite quote -

"Who are you?" Crooned the caterpillar.
Alice replied shyly, "I-I hardly know, sir, Just at present.
I know who I was when I got up this morning,
but I think I must have changed several times since then"

Alice In Wonderland - By Lewis Carroll

Bluerose
02-06-11, 09:27 AM
I had an epiphany!!!

After being up all night and trying to get some sleep, it suddenly came to me. DID is a part of the healing process like depression is a part of the grieving process.

When we lose a loved one we grieve, and depression is a part of the grieving process - it’s accepted.

When we have experienced childhood trauma we may suffer from serious Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Depression. Perhaps, depending on our makeup, DID is simply a part of the healing process!!!

And the reason it is such a long, long process is because we don’t understand that it is a healing process.

From personal experience, while it’s going on, it can be very frightening. And it can have us believing that we are going mad.

Or all of the above could just be me spouting rubbish.

Either way, I’m feeling a whole lot better for that bit of insight.

Bluerose
02-16-11, 12:59 AM
This is an article I posted back in 2008. After doing one of my usual searches for information on Google and having this thread pop up in the results, I would like to add the article here for anyone who might be seeking more information. It's quite long and will probably only be of interest to someone looking for information on Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).


Survival of Bodily Death
An Esalen Invitational Conference
December 6 - 11, 1998

Multiple Personality Disorder
Adam Crabtree

Adam Crabtree has been working in this field for many years and is friends with several prominent multiples including Chris Sizemore, who is Eve of the Three Faces of Eve (Thigpen, 1957). There is no single form the disorder takes and no one way to describe it. In the last Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the name was changed to Dissociative Identity Disorder, though in this discussion, he used the old nomenclature. A typical multiple has 20-30 personalities, many of which are fragmentary. They can be of different ages, sexual orientation, or sex. The striking thing about the disorder is the degree to which each personality feels separate and autonomous from the others. Each has a separate body image. Their hallucinatory abilities allow this sense to extend even to their reflections in a mirror; different personalities will perceive their self-imagined body, age, sex, and appearance. Furthermore, these different personalities may manifest unique handwriting, gestures, body language, and speech patterns and can have different preferences and even allergies. For example, Chris Sizemore had one personality with an allergy to fur; only when this personality was "out" did her immune system mount an allergic reaction.

At first these dramatic changes are shocking and fascinating for the therapist, but eventually they become commonplace. A typical multiple, if such a label is even possible, has one main personality that handles most of daily life. Very often that personality knows nothing about the other personalities, and if they do, it is only indirectly. However, all of the other personalities may know about each other. Alliances, friendships, and rivalries are common amongst those who know each other. Aaron DeGlanville related the case of Kit Castle, who had a younger male personality that fell in love with an older female; he was dismayed when he found out they inhabited the same body.

Most therapy with MPD aims toward an eventual integration in which the personalities either subsume into a "main" personality or actually disappear. Adam had one client, though, who did not want to become fully integrated, and she lived successfully as a multiple after her destructive personalities were transformed into positive forces. Integration does not happen in only one way. In some situations, the personalities gradually get to know each other and begin to merge, leading to a final fusion of all. However, it is equally common for the other personalities to just stop coming, leaving only one personality in the end without any real fusion. In the case of Chris Sizemore, who eventually revealed 21 personalities, a new and final personality emerged at the end of her therapy and the others disappeared, which was symbolized for her in a dream. The final personality may or may not retain the skills, knowledge, or characteristics of the previous personalities. The whole therapeutic process is highly individual and unique in its trajectory.

Another common dimension of the healing process is the emergence of one or more Inner Self Helpers. The ISHs often play a dispassionate, all-knowing, and organizing role, forming alliances and healing inner rifts. They can present the situation very clearly and without much emotion. Michael Murphy brought in a possible connection with the Witness consciousness cultivated in many meditative traditions. One aspect of zazen can be seen as an owning of more and more, a dilation of the small mind to include more of the Big Mind. Though Adam felt there were some useful parallels, there are important differences as well. For example, the ISHs typically disappear at the end of the therapeutic process, and they are perceived as a more ethereal and sometimes even angelic entity that is there to guide for a time. Bruce Greyson reported on a fascinating unpublished case in which a multiple had a NDE and recognized the being of light as her ISH. During times of distress, she turned to this ISH as a sort of inner mother figure, and her recognition of the ISH as a being of light during her NDE was healing for her.

MPD has magnetized more controversy than any other psychological diagnosis in recent years for a number of reasons. First, it brings us face to face with the ugly reality of abuse, since it is believed by many that this syndrome usually results from childhood sexual abuse. Second, it forces us to deal with the vagaries and mysteries of memory. Third, there are claims that it is iatrogenic -- induced by the therapist. There may even be a culturally conditioned dimension to the syndrome. In From Mesmer to Freud(Crabtree, 1993), Adam discusses "symptom language," the way in which a person can express an illness or disturbance within a society. Different societies encourage or permit diverse languaging of a disturbance which leads to the existence of culture-specific manifestations of pathology. All of these factors have contributed to the backlash against the existence of the disorder. Furthermore, on a philosophical level, MPD brings into question the unity of the self. Perhaps because it serves as an extreme example of the complexity of the self, humans fear it.

Adam thinks that the negative reaction to MPD amongst professionals and others derives mainly from trepidation around automatism. Automatisms are things we experience as happening to us which come from our unconscious mind. We might think, feel, or do something over which we have no control. We are both fascinated and frightened by these automatisms; for example, almost everyone loves the automatisms generated by a stage hypnotist but we are terrified of the automatism of possession. Because we so value control in our culture, we are threatened by automatisms and seek ways to explain them away, to deny their occurrence, or to account for them in purely physiological terms. Our ego wants full control, or at least the illusion of control. MPD undermines that feeling of control by positing intelligent subliminal action. The discourse around MPD is rarely rational, triggering all manner of primitive fears, even with seasoned professionals.

Multiples bear upon the subject of survival of bodily death for a number of reasons. First, they often perceive an impending integration as a death, an obliteration of the separate sense of self. Both fear and grief are important components of the process and it can serve as a model of actual death. Second, there is a ground of awareness, a naked fact of consciousness, which transcends the particular personalities and acts as a hidden glue to organize them into a fairly cohesive system. This background organization never comes to the fore in therapy, though its presence can be inferred. Third, the personalities seem convincingly separate, including having separate subconscious minds. Even in deep trance, there seems to be no real crossover or connection between the personalities. Bruce Greyson brought up an interesting question: what happens if we regress these alter personalities to previous lives? Do they report different past lives? Adam could not see why not and brought up the case of Chris Sizemore, who feels some of her personalities are from previous lives. Charles Tart suggested one way we could view MPD is as a failure or breakdown of normal karmic repression mechanisms.

For Adam, a model that can account for MPD is one that holds the deathlessness of the "I" (pure consciousness) in juxtaposition to the transitory "me's" (personality clumps) which may well disappear in the process of integration. The true "I" is a presence or point of awareness; the experience of this "beingness" leads to a subjective certitude of immortality. This is relevant to the question of what survives. Perhaps postmortem survival parallels the process at work in MPD: much of the individualized personality "dies" but the pure consciousness (purusha in Sanskrit) remains. The ultimate "I" is free of any qualities or particulars and is eternal, while the "me" is a product of qualities and particulars and is temporal. Between the ground of "I" and the separate particular identity of "me" is a level of inner organization that is still largely unexplored. Adam feels that much of this terrain cannot be explored objectively; only through our subjective experience can we begin to discern its outlines. On this issue, he aligns with Charles Tart's rather radical suggestion for state-specific sciences which would, in this case, take the form of subjective reports from those capable of exploring such terrain.

In terms of the survival issue, Bruce Greyson questioned whether this formulation is useful for us. Most survival discussion revolves around something like a personality surviving, whereas Adam's model only deals with the survival of something stripped of all personality. Adam responded that he feels something of the "me" survives beyond bodily death; however, that something is not necessarily eternal, even if it can transmigrate into another life. Bruce pointed out that in the rebirth cases, there is fairly extensive documentation of memories and personality characteristics from the reported previous life. In Adam's preliminary map, the bare "I" is not necessarily distinct from one person to the next. His primordial "I" is identical with divine reality, the oneness of which mystics so often speak. Habitual patterns of experience come along and snatch up the one "I" into separate identifications which are ultimately temporary and unreal, even if convincing. That said, many of our experiences are very "sticky" and difficult to disidentify from, so our separate, distinctive personalities can seem quite solid. This echoes the conclusions of many nondual mystical traditions.

Michael Grosso pointed out that this discussion leads to a practical point, namely, that our efforts in survival research might be redirected away from traces of individual survival and towards the direct experiential realization of the ultimate "I," leading us to know intuitively that we are immortal beings: a mystical turn for survival research, following the teachings of great masters. The common claim in spiritual circles is that we should not worry about personal survival, that we should focus on something deeper. Unless, Michael Murphy countered, we are part of a supreme evolutionary adventure in which part of our individualized personality is manifesting higher and higher potentials. The "I" witnesses while the self evolves. The dichotomy between the witnessing ground and the evolving self was portrayed in the Rg Veda in the following way: there are two birds on the World Tree, one eats the sweet fruit, while the other watches and eats not. This is the dichotomy between the changeless, primordial Self and the self engaged in the dance of life. In Murphy's view, survival research dwells on the second self, which is equally important; the ecstatic play of lila has intrinsic value and is not just something to be overcome.

Sukie Miller commented that in many cultures, cultivating some kind of multiplicity is desirable and honored, especially for shamanic or healing roles. She wondered whether it is possible to heal the destructive or maladaptive multiples and leave the rest of the system intact. This brought up the issue of whether it is better to "cure" multiples or just help them lead more adaptive lives. Adam made the point that there is almost always tremendous suffering with multiples: personalities conflict and sabotage each other, memories are not integrated, relationships are fragmented. Even so, integration is not a completely positive event since diversity and richness are often lost. For example, Billy Milligan had several personalities that painted, each with a distinctive style, and he successfully sold three or four styles of paintings. When he became integrated, however, only one style of painting remained.

Many high-level skills are lost during integration, though no in-depth study has been done to explore what is lost and what remains. The MPD literature revolves mainly around diagnosis and treatment; very little delves into the implications for metanormal human capacity. MPD is a window into fantastic abilities of the unconscious mind and yet very little phenomenological work has been done, much less work with intentionally cultivating such abilities. Michael Murphy pointed out that multiples are hypnotic virtuosos who have been practicing dissociative skills for a lifetime. Since psychological health often relates to the capacity for multiple ego states and creativity is linked to tolerance of ambiguity, we can perhaps view multiples as a more extreme example of a healthy inner diversity. Some aspects of the disorder may be desirable. Charles Tart wondered whether we could discover more high-functioning multiples who are not in therapy and encourage them to model higher level functioning for other multiples. In Adam's experience, though, the effect of multiples on each other in a group -- which he has led -- often runs counter to therapeutic goals. For example, he saw one person go from not being self-mutilating to self-mutilating.

Adam stressed the importance of addressing our tendency to "entitize" in these discussions; William James wrote that "thought tends to personification," an important point to bear in mind as we discuss this subject. A thought can lead to fixed ideas, and indeed a thought-cluster in multiples organizes into a separate, personalized identity. He feels uneasy when people start entitizing multiple personalities, Inner Self Helpers, and even hierarchies of ISHs. An alternative to entitizing is to admit there are levels of organization involved which we cannot fathom. We can talk to all of the personalities in a multiple and never find one that is the originator of another personality. They are created and organized in a very clever way such that none of the personalities know how the organization happens.


http://www.esalenctr.org/display/con...id=24&pgtype=1