I have been reading the posts here and was just wondering if there was anything positive about people with ADD when it comes to being in a relationship with them?

It seems like ALL problems are caused by the ADD person? Or their traits.
If some of you would like to experience just for a few seconds what it is like to be ADD/ADHD here is a website address.

www.misunderstoodminds.com (http://www.misunderstoodminds.com/)

I have ADD and my partner does not.

Out what I get out of the posts here is that there is no use and I mind as well find me somebody that has ADD because "we" are the root of all relationship problems.

I don't mean to step on anybodies toes.

I just was recently diagnosed with ADD and I am in my thirties.

I love my partner, and if I cause him that much pain I will have to let him go BECAUSE I love him and I don't want him to hurt.

Just what is on my mind.

Nobody is perfect, A.D.D. or not! I know many non ADDers who have messed up realtionships too, so don't take all the blame for any problems you and your mate have.

There are a number of posts around the forums listing good things about ADDers... but they are mostly written BY the ADDers. I don't know if I have seen any of the partners weigh in yet as to what they DO like about their ADD partners...

I could not find anything positive said about us from the non ADDers either ....
Made it sound like two non ADDers should have no problems?
Made me curious

Positives of ADD in a relationship...

Extremely caring, very intuitive, ready to lend a hand, shoulder, or anything else to make the other feel better.

It seems that we are quite affectionate. We are very interested in our significant others although we might have trouble staying on track with a conversation about something boring to us.

I could go on and on but the bottom line is that ADD'ers bring new benefits and challanges to a relationship. We all have unique personalities, regardless of how your brain is wired. So I would say that, as with any relationship involving an ADD'er or not, you have to find a compatible person to spend your time with.

< off_self_critic >

I am quick to see when my partner is in discomfort and correspondingly quick to lighten her load when this happens. Frequently I'm ahead of her awareness of the problem.

My tacktile nature makes me an interested lover. I've been making love with the same woman for 18 years and there is not a fibre of me that's bored with that.

My wife tells me I put the "life" into living. I think by this she means that not all that is good in life is practical and sensible. I have retained the ability to "play". My kids have benefited from a Papa that has that ability.

I'm quick to laugh. I have spontaneity down pat! I'm kind and patient with my elders. I love old folks and enjoy providing them with a welcome platform to recount the history they carry with them. All of my kids seem to have this trait as well. My youngest is most like me and she drew attention at school this year for the depth of her care with a woman she met at the care home as part of a community outreach program. Normally Manon is a straight up pain in the butt at school but she has her moments. Manon will be eleven in September.

I have plenty to be grateful for and shifting my focus from the negative to the positive is leading me to a better place.

Thanks for the opportunity to share some of what's good about me for our crew.

< /off_self_critic >

ian

I've read positive comments here from non- ADD folk about their ADD partners... usually something to the effect of "interesting, fun, energetic, lovable" and that's about what my wife has said. But we are divorced now because I'm not responsible enough, our life goals don't match and she needs more stability. I wouldn't worry so much about little outburst or short lived quarrelling but think more about the long term goals in life and whether that can be imagined to work out for both sides. From what I've read here the odds are worse for a double ADD couple because it's just too erratic and flys apart in chaos where a non-ADD partner brings some stability and foundation to the relationship. The non-ADD partner can benefit from having more excitement in their life, having a fun friend to be with, etc. so it can be a good thing.

New member...compelled to respond to this one.

I am one of those nonADD folks and right now, things haven't been easy for me and my ADD friend lately, whom I actually love very much, but he doesnt know. (can't you just see the drama already)

I started out as friends but it wasn't long before his kindness, generosity of spirit, wit and dreams won me over. Right now, a "friend" of his let him down hard and he's become very closed off. All I can do is ache at his front door, hoping he'll answer my calls and emails at some point.

I wish I knew what to do, to give him back a tiny piece of what he has dared to share of himself with me, the effort he's put in to make me happy when I've been down and make his burden less.

I"ve just never found anyone who accepted me for me and of course my own set of issues. I mean...when does that happen???? So I don't mind forgetful, or spending, or grumpy or focussed or unfinished projects or disorganized or mutitasking or or or ....but when he is hurt....now THAT is hard.

Oh and if anyone has any tips or anything....

Here is the correct website address:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/misunderstoodminds/attention.html

Nothing in the world makes me happier than puppies. I love the way they wiggle when they wag and I love the way they suddenly fall asleep in silly positions.
My experience and attraction to ADDers (best friend and best guy both have it) is that they are like human puppies, full of enthusiasm and energy, likely to knock over a coffee cup or lick your face or pee on the rug. Sure, I might get irritated and impatient at the spilled coffee or the stained rug, but you learn ("note to self: buy washable rugs") and they learn and in ten minutes you forget it ever happened. And there they are, spontaneous and exhuberant and irrepressible all over again.
Irresistible.

Wow, that site misunderstood minds just about knocked me out of my chair! Is that really what my son experiences every day?? I didnt complete one test fully or correctly. I couldnt concentrate or understand a word of it. The more I tried to focus the harder it was to comprehend. Thanks for opening my eyes!!

...was just wondering if there was anything positive about people with ADD...no, there isn't...
;)

*YES* there is!!!
for one thing, we sure do make life *unpredictable* for ourselves and our loved ones, don't we?!
:D

Nope, not a single good thing that we ADDers bring to a relationship, I just had it all pointed out to me literally 5 minutes ago on the phone. I called my non-ADD boyfriend of a year and a half on the phone on my 15 min break from work just to say that I love you, which turned into a long harangue on his part about how my sh*t has got to stop...that he is just sick of it, that I need to start acting like an adult, that he despises the fact that he can't have a normal conversation with me ever because my responses are "weird" and that I am causing a distance between us. He yelled at me to wake up out of the fog and stop living in a fantasy land because he thinks that is where I exist. So there we go...plain and simple...I'm sure this isn't the case for all Adders, but no there isn't a single good thing that I bring to a relationship.

ADD79, I think your man was either a) having a bad day and took it out on you b) in desperate need of some lessons in understanding OR c) an utter DOOT!

Here's a good site on 50 great things about having ADD/ADHD...some of these apply to relationships...

http://adhd.kids.tripod.com/50great.html

Oh and one more thing....I think that asking "is there anything positive about people with ADD" is like asking is there anything positive about people with a brain tumor, or diabetes, or one leg missing, or who like ketchup on everything.
OF COURSE there is, everyone is different and special and good in some way whether or not they have ADD. Just depends on if the person who is dating the ADDer can accept the ADDer, can cope, and is willing to seek out the positives and not dwell on the negatives, and be supportive and understanding. And that goes for ANY relationship.

Ack that was a mouthful. heh

Most people can handle a little flakiness. Most people are a little flaky themselves. A lot of people would say that ADD doesn't exist *and* that it's not a huge problem to be a little flaky, just normal variation. I see people all the time getting by just fine in life who are total space cadets or hyper or sleepyheaded or boring or outrageously extroverted, introverted, perverted. There's all kinds out there. That's life, deal with it. Because people can deal with themselves having some unusual characteristics that's evidence that it's not always a big problem, it's just the way it is.

Maybe try this approach: tell him you decided you don't "have ADD" and there is no such thing. You are unique and that's OK. Sometimes it's inconvenient but there are other things you like about being who you are. Of course you try not to be too outrageous but really in the end you are comfortable being how you are and don't care to make any drastic changes.

Hmph.

Oh and one more thing....I think that asking "is there anything positive about people with ADD" is like asking is there anything positive about people ... who like ketchup on everything..


Wait.. I have ADD and as a kid I put ketchup on EVERYTHING.. I still would if I wasn't too old to get away with it... :p

The whole answer lies within YOU and only YOU. What do you have to offer? How far are you willing to go to make your relationships work? Are you willing to work hard? But, most of all are you ready to love and accept yourself? Because, until you can accept yourself and love yourself as old and cliche as it sounds nobody else will be able to fully accept you.

Everyone has flaws whether they are ADD or not. The question is are you ready to turn your ADD into an asset or a disability?

If you leave your partner only because of ADD then I believe that you are making a mistake. I also have a partner with ADD and yes, there are ups and downs, but the relationship can work out. People with ADD are not the cause of all relationship problems, it takes two!! Hang in there.

I am the one with ADD.
My partner does not..
I was recently diagnosed with ADD - but have been with Ray already for years.Before
we knew I had it.Before I started to take Strattera.
It doesn't make him no difference.
He is the most easy going person I know.
There is no problem between us BECAUSE of the ADD.
My son is severe ADHD and Ray (my boyfriend) loves my son like his own.Has raised him for the past years like his own son.
I asked the question out of curiosity,because all I read on the non ADD board was nothing nice.I wondered how we ADDers were perceived by non ADDers.
You see I have only a few friends (females) because they (my few friends) don't care if I don't call them all the time.I forget.I don't want to hold nobodies hand or have them hold my hand.BUT they call me-without being upset because I forgot to call them.
Matter of fact I have friends that call me just to remind me:don't forget to come to so and So.'s baby shower the day prior and call me a few hours before the event.
They accepted me the way I was BEFORE I was diagnosed with ADD "and I was just forgetful".They know I am there when they need me.
But also I am not from the USA and come out of a different culture.So maybe that let's other people cut me some slack so to speak.
I was just curious like I said to find out how non ADDer perceive us.
I believe it is the women that complained about us the most.
But then like I said,I come out of a different culture and a lot of the things I see around me that men and women do here .... or expect from each other is very different to what I was brought up with in Italy and Germany
So maybe the people around me don't know where my different culture stops and the ADD begins??
I am fighting with my english language today. :)
I hope I expressed correctly what I was attempting to say.

Simona

Simona, your English is great ;) And I understand completely :D

Simona you said it all beautifully!

Hey Simona,
You put up that link to the Misunderstood Minds site right? THANK YOU!!! That site is freaking awesome! I did the first one about reading, and I cried because that IS ME!! That is how I see things and hear things and the fact that some people would go to the trouble to create such an awesome interactive experience of what goes on in our heads is so encouraging. I am hoping to show my professors this, hopefully then they will realize it's real and get a better picture of what is going on in my head. Thank you so much!!!!!

The nature of the title of this thread is quite insulting to me personally.

To suggest that people with ADHD are always to blame is common place and entirely unjustified.

Here are a few characteristics of an ADD'er I know and love intensly :D

1) Willingness to give absolutly everything of herself in the name of Love

2) Loves life and greatly values life, even the insects...... routinely rescues moths, spiders, etc and places them tenderly outside so they may continue to live.

3) Raises orphaned baby birds and animals and then sets them free to enjoy their life. (after teaching them survival skills for living free)

4) Has given enormously of her time in a voluntary capacity to teach art to the elderly, to the extent of being nominated by all of her senior students for the very highest national award......(and recieving it)..... by the Leader of the Country she lives in.

5) Excells in her own profession by using ADD hyperfocus skills.

6) Is generous even to the extent of depriving herself to give to others in need.

This person is an ADD'er..............now I ask, how many non-ADD'ers have these same qualities?

There are ALOT of very positive things about people with ADD...My husband has pretty severe ADD. He is very intelligent (common for ADDers) and he can fix literally anything! :-) He does do things that are annoying like space out during conversation and not put things away but the annoying things are truely unimportant in the long run right? I mean who of us in 30 yrs is gonna say "man I sure wish I would've made my husband put his clothes away more!" I seriously doubt it!

The question is flawed. The reason it's flawed is 'hidden' from normal sight, but we can see it, if we aren't afraid to use our abilities.

There isn't any real answer. People having/being AD/HD set off alarms in normals (and themselves). That creates social friction.

But friction is a funny thing. Rub your hands together real fast for a minute, so they heat up. Which one made the heat?

If we try really hard to be normal, then we can make it worse for ourselves than if just didn't try at all, ever, which is another unfortunate option.


Wow, that site misunderstood minds just about knocked me out of my chair! Is that really what my son experiences every day?? I didnt complete one test fully or correctly. I couldnt concentrate or understand a word of it. The more I tried to focus the harder it was to comprehend. Thanks for opening my eyes!!
Except…

That's not what it's like to have/be AD/HD at all. The illusion that the experience is like that is wrong. I had no trouble reading the text in the first test, but when it actually started to fade completely out, I quit.

What was my score? I couldn't be bothered fooling around with something that isn't true, so my score is zero, if you're keeping that kind of score.

If you keep score like that in a relationship, you might as well give up before you start.

Why do ADDers think that the web tests are familiar? We listen to normals, and try to see ourselves the way they do. Here's the truth about distraction, regardless of how any individual may interpret it:

What distracts us about a phone ringing isn't the phone ringing. We have no problem with that. What distracts us is the responsibility we feel for paying attention to the phone, in case it rings, because we are responsible for answering it.

Whatever else we try to do, a tiny part of ourselves is devoted to paying attention to that phone. If there are thirty other things like the phone in our world, we don't end up with much left over to actually do stuff.

And it doesn't have to be a physical object, either. For a child in class, there is a point at which s/he becomes aware that his/her performance is being compared to the performance of the other children in the class.

At that instant, the child takes on responsibility for monitoring how well fifteen or twenty other children are doing, and the whole thing begins to blow up. Some of us bail out, and go off into our own world; some try harder, and fail more dramatically.

And some of us luck out. It all depends on individual circumstance. Which is more often than not related to how those around us treat us as individuals.

That kind of changes the question, don't you think?

Stabile,
I like your perspective. I don't think it's the whole picture of ADHD, but it is true. The other part is things distracting us that are irrelevent. I think ADHD is more a sign of intellegence than anything. While "normals" are content to get what they need and move on, ADDers look into things deeper. It's not always enough to know that something works. We want to know why it works. Then we find out why and want to know why it was done this way instead of that. This continues without end until we find ourselves thinking about that time we were at the lake and a storm blew in or something else completely unrelated to what we were supposed to be doing..
That's not the rest of the picture either. It's just an example of the part that doesn't have to do with peformance anxiety. We're not always distracted because of being compared.
Then of course there are the problems of hyperactivity, impulsivity, and hyperfocusing.
James

Um, I read the original post, and skipped all the rest, because I felt the need to post.

We adders are not solely to blame for problems in relationships. First of all, it takes two people to create a relationship, and it takes two people to fight. Somebody has to do the other a perceived injustice for a hurt to happen. And we can be hurt by normies as much as we can cause them "problems".

Having said that, I think our good qualities are spontaneity and a child-like quality that keeps relationships with us more interesting.

It can't be any worse than being married to a recovering addict or a control freak.......

But those are just my thoughts on the matter.

Stabile,
I like your perspective. I don't think it's the whole picture of ADHD, but it is true. The other part is things distracting us that are irrelevent. I think ADHD is more a sign of intellegence than anything. While "normals" are content to get what they need and move on, ADDers look into things deeper. It's not always enough to know that something works. We want to know why it works. Then we find out why and want to know why it was done this way instead of that. This continues without end until we find ourselves thinking about that time we were at the lake and a storm blew in or something else completely unrelated to what we were supposed to be doing..
That's not the rest of the picture either. It's just an example of the part that doesn't have to do with peformance anxiety. We're not always distracted because of being compared.
Then of course there are the problems of hyperactivity, impulsivity, and hyperfocusing.
James
James, that's really good. You've nailed the most difficult parts of the puzzle, although I'll bet you don't exactly realize that yet.

And you're right, that's not the whole picture. The whole picture gets into some detailed and messy stuff. But it's not important to get it all like that, unless you’re doing research, like Kay and I are involved in.

The process you describe is how we build an alternative logical structure in our minds for storing and analyzing information. When we understand what it is and why we do it, we stop thinking of it as a distraction.

It becomes a necessity. Most of us know that already, without knowing why or how we know it. It comes out as behavior that we think we can't control.

The truth is, we're in control, and doing what we must. Sometimes, the conscious mind is the last to know.

So thinking about stuff like the storm at the lake doesn't seem random anymore, either. Instead, we have a puzzle to solve: what's the connection? We can assume it's valid, and learning to rely on that is useful and lots of fun.

Kay and I use it two ways. We try to listen to the almost subliminal cues our minds give us, what Kay calls whispers. And we've learned to 'program' ourselves to think about some specific problem out there where the whispers are generated.

We put the problem in and go away. We do this a lot while we're sleeping, but any other time works, too. Then a few hours, or days, or whatever later, the answer pops into our conscious awareness.

Or sometimes, we realize that we didn't characterize the problem correctly, which is an answer of sorts, too.

I didn't mean to characterize the classroom thing as performance anxiety. That's related, but it comes about as a result of not being able to match the performance of classmates. We do the multitasking thing first.

The other problems you mention are related to this, too. As I said, it can get complex, especially if we have to be able to explain it to others. But doing it the way you describe will get you there personally with no difficulty at all.

It can take a few years, though.

Wow, that site misunderstood minds just about knocked me out of my chair! Is that really what my son experiences every day?? I didnt complete one test fully or correctly. I couldnt concentrate or understand a word of it. The more I tried to focus the harder it was to comprehend. Thanks for opening my eyes!!
Somebody fill me in as I didnt see anything there except advertising links for mind control and stuff

Am I stupid or just cant read

Missunderstood Minds (http://www.misunderstoodminds.com/)

Garry - you're neither. here's the link http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/misunderstoodminds/attention.html and look at the top where theres a pic of a little girl staring off. To your right, there are a couple of interactive exercises called "Experience Firsthand". Click on visual activity or auditory activity and it will take you into it.

Thanks Ill check it out

Ok I checked it out

On the reading 1 out of 3 answers

but I think it was too visual as to what its like when your reading

those images are happening in your mind and you can still see the words , just not comprehend what your reading


on the auditory

I just wanted to tell everyone in the class to " Shut the **** up "
so I can hear the teacher

that really sucks

XE2373----> you sound depressed!! The web site I clicked on was more advertizing than any thing usefull. You have the same good qualities after you got diagnosed with ADD as you did before you knew. Most of us are born with ADD, and the ADD traits are present in one form or the other through out our life times.

I believe that relationships require effort on both partner's behalfs to be healthy. Two people must like eachother!!! I will work with my partner to make our relationship more pleasent or productive, but I will NEVER CHANGE WHO I AM to please him. I will take responsibilty for my words and actions but REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE BLAME FOR HIS!!! He is a grown man and able to make decisions about how he copes with life and the people in it. I retain the right to make decisions about my behavior and words.

There is no such thing as a prefect partner only ones whos flaws you can live with-----> this goes for ADDer non- ADDers alike it goes for dyslexiacs, bi-polar disorder, diabetics, hypertensive the blind, and seeing. This is the way it is for the entire human race period...............

Life has a way of leaveling the playing field. We simply don't see it because we get too caught up in playing the game we call a life????

The other problems you mention are related to this, too. As I said, it can get complex, especially if we have to be able to explain it to others. But doing it the way you describe will get you there personally with no difficulty at all.

It can take a few years, though.
Stabile,

I am not at all embarassed to have ADD. I was happy with the diagnosis because it gave me both an explaination for most of my past and hope for different results in the future. However, since then, I have realized that unless someone is educated about ADD, they dismiss it. Of course no one is educated unless it is somehow personal to them. The most common response is "I think it's overdiagnosed" or it's "just doctors giving stimulants to kids who are just being kids."

It stinks, but it is also life, especially today. No one cares to consider that someone else may be different for a valid reason. In fact I know one woman who has Fibro Myalgia (probably spelled wrong) who was really angry that her mother didn't consider it a legitimate illness and who had no problems dismissing the conditions of others such as ADD, etc. Her selfish motivation for this was wanting attention and sympathy for herself.

The other problem is how irresponsible so many of us are these days. Rather than acknowledging our failures we blame them on something. So it is hard to talk about ADD without someone immediately suspecting it as just an excuse.

That is my biggest dilema. I don't want it to be an excuse. I am slowly learning just how many of my quirks are ADD. It is my wife who is quick to dismiss something as ADD, but I don't usually classify my actions as ADD until I learn of other ADDer's frequently doing the same things.

My second dilema is I do not believe ADD is a disorder. It just doesn't fit in with our society and the systems it has in place. I am taking medication to help me overcome my ADD, but in a way I am kind of saddened that I might lose some of my quirkiness. I never felt that way about my goofiness before I really started to learn about it after diagnosis. Now, I don't feel at all inferior, but for the sake of my family, my current job, and some of my life long goals, it is best for me to work towards overcoming ADD.

I am now trying not to volunteer my ADD condition to any non-ADDer's because I do not use it as an excuse, and I have already considered the very same arguments every single person has given me. It's my problem not there's anyway. The more I try to explain and justify the Legitimacy of my diagnosis, the more I sound like someone trying to make up excuses for myself.

ADD or not, I am responsible for every decision I have made in my life. Sure it's not really fair to have been impulsive and hyper, but even so I know right from wrong and wise from stupid. I have to give myself a little more slack because the deck was stacked a little against me, but I am not about to yield my free choice over to a condition. Because I am responsible I am seeking treatment and actively learning more so that I can master my condition.

No is a victim of ADD. Especially no one who is diagnosed who can actively seek to deal with it. ADD is a great reason to take it easy on ourselves for failure, but a poor excuse to accept it. I for one choose to embrace the positives of it, acknowledge the negatives of it, and to continue to apply my increasing knowledge and medical treatment towards living a responsible and successful life.

James


James

James:

Nicely put. We don’t think of AD/HD as a disorder, either. Instead, we think of the term 'disorder' as an unfortunate technical name that people misinterpret and misapply.

You really do have a good grasp of what you're experiencing, judging by your posts. Don't worry too much about how others interpret it; Kay is still not very comfortable telling people about her ADD, and I respect that.

Our son Bryan is a jazz saxophonist, and he has the same feelings you do about how the meds we take can change the way he feels about himself and influence his creative efforts.

But he still recognizes the need for meds in some circumstances, and even uses them in some situations when he's trying to create.

We believe that the stimulants work by (in effect) slightly altering our perception of ourselves, which feeds back through others' perception of us. They see us as more normal, and don't bug us as much to conform.

So they're stealth drugs, in that sense. In a way we sometimes wish we could do without them too, but they do help, and we happen to enjoy the effect.

Your grasp of how we interact with normals is great. "It just doesn't fit in with our society and the systems it has in place" says it all. What you need now is to forge a path out there into the places we can go, that normals can't.

We think AD/HD should be more about what we can do that is new for the species, rather than how much we’re not like somebody else.

Keep your chin up. And don't worry; your wife will join the party sooner or later.

--Tom and Kay

Tom and Kay,
I am currently taking Strattera. It hasn't been working too well until this past week. I upped my dosage myself. (disclaimer: I don't recommend anyone taking their meds into their own hands) Actually my doctor had said that the increase would be the next step. So I tried it with success. Well I finally got a response from my doc. He said to take 100mg instead of 80mg but not the 120mg I moved up to. If 100mg doesn't work then we will try something different.
I was really hoping Strattera would work so that I could avoid the hassles of stimulants. Mostly having to have written prescriptions and the extra scrutiny that I assume goes along with controlled substances. However, you brought to light one benefit of stimulants I hadn't really considered. That is the ability to not medicate on those days when I can afford to have an ADD day or whenever I might think I am tired of being calm and focused. LOL
My wife is doing a good job of accepting my ADD. She's doing better than me. She didn't think I had it until I got her to research it herself. Then she became more convinced than me.
My biggest project that I am hoping medication and treatment will help me accomplish is writing a novel. I want to write a WWII fiction novel. I hope the extra ability to focus might allow me to write in less than perfect situations and to emerse myself into the story. (Only during the time I set aside for writing of course.) There are tons of other things I have started and not finished. I know whenever I find the right way to reign in my ADD that I will still likely have a long way to go before I find out which of my hobbies and projects are really important to me.
BTW: Sounds like you two are doing pretty good with ADD yourselves. Do you have it, or are you learning about it because of Kay?

James

The more of us who come to grips with the reallity of our ADD life and the more we can share our belief with other , with the purpose of giving them the relization that there are other people out there who are accepting and functioning quite well with the cards they were dealt, the better life will become in due time for all of us.

I am of the oppinion that we need to start at the lower ages , the kids , and give them the chance to see first hand , ADDults who are maintaining a normal life , to give them hope for the future and something to look back on for support when life sneaks up and kicks them in the but.

Well said, Garry. But I don't want to live a normal life, myself. We think that there's an exciting future out there for all of us, and what's normal will be forgotten, a thing of the past.

We're just starting to get a hint of what we're able to do, and where our minds can go.

James:

We're an ADD family; we both have it, and we take Adderall or Ritalin. I'll PM you a bit more about it.

Thanks. --Tom

Well said, Garry. But I don't want to live a normal life, myself.
Normal is in the eyes of the beholder depending upon what you decide your REALITY is all about

We think that there's an exciting future out there for all of us, and what's normal will be forgotten, a thing of the past.
Exciting is an understatement for those who are in touch with there ADD.....





We're just starting to get a hint of what we're able to do, and where our minds can go.
Our minds can go anywhere we want them too and then we just get our bodies to follow




We're an ADD family; we both have it, and we take Adderall or Ritalin. I'll PM you a bit more about it.

Thanks.
Do you have ADD or are you ADD

Only you can answer that question

Looking forward to the PM

Garry - you're neither. here's the link http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/misunderstoodminds/attention.html and look at the top where theres a pic of a little girl staring off. To your right, there are a couple of interactive exercises called "Experience Firsthand". Click on visual activity or auditory activity and it will take you into it.

Could one of the moderators correct the link at the top of this thread so anyone else coming into this thread for the first time wont get lost Like I did.....

Thanks

Do you have ADD or are you ADD



What's the difference?

What's the difference?That is in the eyes of the beholder also.........

I do not have a disease
I do not have ADD

I am ADD

I Am

Addaptable
Directed
Determined

Hey peeps!
OK, so as a psychology major, ADD, short term working memory/learning disability (which is basically ADD or part of it anyway... but that is what the LD assessment says.), IQ 132 (gifted, wouldn't ya know?)... I must comment.

I agree with the whole 'disorder' theory.
I will now say something based on philosophy, so if you don't want to get into that stuff, skip this paragraph. What is 'disorder'? Well, in order to have a definition of what is not right, you have to have a reference to something else. Like a measuring stick. How long is something? Well, you are basically comparing it to another... is it shorter or longer? RELATIVE TO WHAT? So the whole NOTION of what a disorder is depends on what western society has defined as 'normal', which is based on the pol\pulation at large.

I agree with those who are uncomfortable with the approach of the question, or I guess the phrasing of it. THere are heavy connotations about things being ADDers 'fault'. Well, we have challenges, yes. So what. Deal with it, learn to deal with it, and for heavens sake, HELP US become more organized. HELP US come up/discover strategies that will enable us to deal WITH YOU easier.

Someone telling US to grow up really is not fair, as that person themselves is putting themselves as the norm for a particular trait.

I teach a little boy swimming lessons who has cerebral palsy. He is a year behind in terms of age, but who cares? He started out with me not being able to hold his arms out straight in front of him (his right side is the weak side) for a front glide, was not able to have a smooth relaxed flutter kick. Now he has learned to CONTROL his body movements. He is MORE AWARE. CP is brain damage... but guess what? We have gone and challenged it, I refused to accept the fact that he would not be able to do certain things, and he has done amazing things. He didn't think he could do things, his mother didn't know how much he could either. Once I got through that, we all found out that he is capable of lots of things we didn't think he could do. It has taken a TON OF HARD WORK let me tell you... SO MUCH PATIENCE, so much encouraging and discipline... and once he really realized that if he slows down his brain then everything is easier, it's been amazing. Sure I have to remind him to slow his brain down first, but he sees how excited I get when he gets the one thing I want to see that he will then do it over and over again just because it feels good to HIM.

So what's the point of that blurb of a kid who has CP?
Let me begin by letting everyone know how much I love PSYCHOLOGY.
I love it because it REFUSES to comply to the idea that there is a 'NORMAL'. There is an average. But within that, there are so many ka-jillion bajillion billion millions (salute to Dr. Evil, Austin Powers for that one) variances. We can't assume that everyone else who DOESN'T have AD/HD is right smack in the middle and average for all things we are measured for, or that they are all superior. I bet you anything that their VERBAL abilities suck. (ADDers talk a lot yes, that is evidence that their verbal scores and vocab scores are probably a lot higher than average, as are visual perception, and processing. Exhibit A: my IQ test. 99% percentile in visual recognition. I am a lifeguard, so that's important for the job. Verbal 98% percentile. Over all IQ 132, percentile something like 98% in all the skills in the W-J test. I get 95% on presentations, get smoked on essays, but do well in essay exams. Other people (a lot of them who don't have ADD) suck at presentations, b/c they're so SCHOOLED OUT for essays and written crap.
OK...derailed. Back to psychology... so all this has to do with perception, relativeness.

Morally, a person isn't really being effective as a good person by shutting someone else down for what they percieve to be a flaw. I CHOOSE not to really hang around people who make me feel like I am a failure. What an ego trip that person is on, thinking they are superior to me because they feel they are more 'mature'. What about EMPATHY as part of maturity, and being able to be ASSERTIVE and helping people overcome challenges? Indeed. No one wants to be around someone who says "You suck, because A), B) and C). You need to grow up". Well, seeing that there is so much research out there that it could be the case, the person has somehow assumed (and we all know where that leads...he he he...) that WE ARE NOT AWARE that we are not a strong in the CONVENTIONAL CONCEPTS OF MATURITY. Maybe we need to remind them that most of us are AWARE of our challenges, and that they are only stating the obvious.

A more INTELLIGENT approach is to EXPRESS IS BETTER so that we don't feel like crap.
How about acknowledging the fact that we are struggling? How about asking if they can help us figure out ways to make our life easier?

Standing there telling people what they already know are deficiencies (relative to whatever society they are in) doesn't really help the situation. The person has not been able to pick up that we are trying continually to get over these speed bumps, or to go the speed limit... so whose fault is this? Ours for being more challenged, or the other person for being insensitive enough to make us feel stupid and 'immature'?

Think about that one.

I value building people up, helping others help themselves - have people realize that THEY have the ability to TEACH THEMSELVES. After teaching swimming lessons for almost 8 years, I finally discovered why kids didn't like practicing strokes much. They feel as though the evaluator - me - has all the power in deciding whether or not they pass or fail the level. What? I am a TEACHER, not a TEST ADMINISTRATOR. I started focusing in on how each kid can TEACH THEMSELVES by payhing attention to what it feels like to do a part of a stroke correctly, so that when they DON'T do it correctly they can tell themselves without me having to stop them... and making them realize that when they correct it themselves that they just 'taught' themselves without me there. I had to actually stop and ask THEM 'did you do that part right'? And if they didn't know, then I would go over it so they could feel/ see the difference between right and off base. Boy, did that make a HUGE difference. I always start with them purposely doing something 'wrong' and then have them fix it, so they have a comparison method... by showing them that MISTAKES ARE NATURAL, and that most people DON'T DO THINGS PERFECTLY RIGHT OFF THE START, and finally that PRACTICING and being AWARE of what they need to fix and KNOWING WHAT specific part needs to be altered, that all the kids are so much more motivated to work on improving.

I put the power into their hands, took the pressure off me passing/failing them.
I put the emphasis on effort and determination.

...and suffice it to say, most of the kids will be repeating the level, but they understand the immense satisfaction of improvement because of their hard work. They UNDERSTAND AND FEEL they are better off than when they started.

It is really amazing to see a group of 12 kids ranging from 8 years old to 15 all doing drills for 45 minutes straight without having to 'babysit' each of them. I would turn around and see the three boys who usually goof off together all concentrating on doing a drill at their own speed, off in their own world...

So what does this have to do with it?
That everyone has the power to teach themselves if they have someone to show them:
-what a better way to do it is
-how to tell the difference
-and keep them motivated

It's psychology.

The big thing about psych is that the whole philosopy of pysch is that YOU CAN 'HELP YOURSELF' by understanding how your brain processes information. Basically, stop, think, go slow (this is actually one of the things we teach for swimming in level one: stop! Look! Go slow!). So apply this to us ADDers.

FIRST THING: you need to SLOW DOWN THE BRAIN and think things through before you do things.
ie: focus on ONE THING when you do it, experience it, live it, feel it, understand what it feels like when you're doing it right.
(this is basically COGNITIVE PSYCHOLOGY stuff... being aware of the processes)

NEXT THING: figure out how it FELLS LIKE WHEN YOU'RE NOT DOING SOMETHING RIGHT
what goes along with this is the recognition that you're going to need to have many experiences of not doing it right and realizing that you're not doing it right before you will be able to do it without thinking about how to do it. So realizing that you're off the path is actually the NORMAL process of improving and developing.

Imagine that huh? SCREWING UP at first is essential, but it has to go along with the REALIZATION that you are screwing up in that particular moment.

So... this all relates to the post how?

Let me tell you,
no one is perfectly 'mature'. Screw that.
There are MANY MANY dimensions to being 'grown up', but unfortunately, whoever is the maturity master definition-er has chosen a few characteristics as the ones that we have to focus as most important.

I think maturity and being a good person are related.
Maturity is knowing your challenges and continually working on getting better, asking for help when you need it.
Maturity is HUMILITY. Forgiveness. Compassion empathy sympathy. Maturity is volunteering to help the less fortunate (I forget the smart one-word definition for this is...).

Since when is maturity being neat, remembering things all the time, and being able to see each step in the big picture?
To me, this is just mind information processing deficiencies, which can be learnt.
Seriously.

My doctor labelled me as having a procrastinating personality... told me that I would never get better from it that I would struggle with it for my whole life.
I walked out of there feeling wonderfullly alive... not really. I refused to accept it as a 'personality flaw'. Ouch. Powerful words.

I take my procrastinating thing as my habit of avoiding things when they are uncomfortable. Which links up to my anxiety thing.

Forgetfulness? That is memory speaking. My brain has a hard time putting things from short term working memory (the 7 second memory) into longer term memory...
So how do you think that would affect my every day life?
Forgetting to do things, forgetting what I'm doing. Forgetting names, phone numbers. Not being able to concentrate in lectures.
Hmmm.. sounds a lot like something I know...
ADHD?
Maybe...?!?!?!

Sorry this is so long.
If you have any questions, let me know. I've done a lot of thinking and analyzing and theorizing about ADHD>

I refuse to let it kick my ***** by standing by and playing the victim game.
I am always striving to learn how I react to things and change things for the better.
It's worked wonders.
I change my environment for working, I do it on my own terms, if the system isn't working for me like it does for a lot of other people, then figure out a better system that will work for you.
If only one system was ever used, people wouldn't be able to decide between Mac or PC. Two door or four door. Automatic or stick shift. Rap or symphony.

That is all my friends.
TOo much deep thoughts. TOo late/early.
Insomnia sucks.
I've had massive anxiety issues with school (losing hair from the stress and getting sick) but I have bounced back and maintained my stand that
I REFUSE TO LET THE WORLD KICK ME IN THE BUTT.
IT GOES THE OTHER WAY AROUND: I GO AND KICK BUTT.

I've never been one to be pushed around. I know what makes me feel comfortable and am able to know what is the best way to help me improve upon my challenges.
I don't have 'problems' I have 'issues'.

OK so now that is all.

Congratulations to all who made it through this.
This is basically my whole philosophy on life.
Yes, I forget it a lot, but remembering it really helps me remember that I'm just as good as anyone else, not because of my achievements but because of my intentions.

I would rather be remembered as being kind hearted, hardworking, empathetic and generous than that woman who was super organized, mature and timely.

So now I guess everyone can understand what my signature really means?
It goes far beyond being boring...

Cheers. I hope this cheers up a lot of people.
I think I'm going to save it so I remember it when I feel like crap...
Let me know if it helps you out, that will make my day even better! Nothing else makes me happier than the feeling that I have helped someone else feel better about themselves.

...Geez everyone...!
I just realized that my last post is a short novel...
Sorry.

On the bright side of things, I think it is a contender for the longest post?
Any challengers?

It would be an honour if I do have the longest post, as the words come from deep within my heart.
Cheers.

OK that was inspiring. Now does this mean you can cure procrastination with cognitive behavioral therapy? Any tips? What I got so far is that it has to do with anxiety & avoiding unpleasant things. Mixed with that is also just simply being drawn toward more interesting things. How to overcome?

Also you do talk about accepting limitations like your slowpoke name isn't "super-speedy-competent" even though you may accept is as "slow-steady-competent". Where do you draw the line between overcoming and accepting?

You can get better at it.
EVERYBODY procrastinates at various things.
Even the most organized person does to some degree.

The trick is NOT to think of it as 'cured', but continually working at becoming more effective at shrugging off that resistance/avoidance.

No one can ever be 'perfect'. The ADDer is just further behind than the 'average' overall, taken from some bazillion people in a population of who knows how many.


Cognitive behavioural therapy is basically evident in everyday life.

The VERY BASIC premise is that you REALIZE what you're doing inefficiently, WHEN YOU ARE DOING IT. It's basically the development of that awareness.

So the steps as I have learned from a group of 8-15 year old kids (kids can teach us grown ups SO MUCH):
FIRST: you have to figure out what the main issue is that needs to be addressed. In swimming, you have to start with 'balance'/body position before you can go on to add in breathing, timing, arm and leg movement. If the person isn't comfortable enough to be relaxed while in a balanced body position, it just messes everything else up.
SOOOO... in life, you look at the basic things you could work on that could potentially be messing everything else up.
MAIN THING HERE: is to CONSCIOUSLY SLOW DOWN YOUR BRAIN so you can break one thing down, and not worry about doing all the rest perfectly for the time being. Work with the thing that is creating a domino effect for everything else in your life, and work on understanding what it feels like to be in the moment when you are doing it correctly.
A big part of this is ACKNOWLEDGING when you have suceeded.
And, in order to be able to tell if you're doing something right is to understand what it feels like to be in a moment when you do it not-so-right.

So, one thing in my life is stress. It acts as the perpretrator for domino effect on basically everything else. It keeps me from doing things done well, because I'm always worrying about other stuff.

I've started to work on that stress/anxiety, and a lot of other things are falling more into place.


So, to recap:
1. Know what one thing that is causing domino effect on other areas in your life. If you're not sure, then ask someone to help. Draw a concept map of whatever you feel is something you want/need to improve, and have branches out to link up what other things each one affects.

2. FOCUS on that one thing. FORGET about all the other things you feel you need to do.
In swimming, I will be teaching the body balance thing, and I will always get some anxious kid who asks 'OK, what about my breathing?' and I tell him/her that we are NOT working on breathing right now, but body balance. I tell them I don't care if they don't go very far, because I'm not looking for distance, but QUALITY of body balance, and the ability to relax while in balance, and not worry about whether the person is doing the correcdt angle on the arm stroke.
One thing at a time: start with the basics and build up.

In life: you learn certain things first... you learn how to hold your head up when you're a baby before you learn how to roll over. You then learn to sit up, and then crawl, then walk. One step wobbly, then two steps.. then several steps, then onto running.
It would be impractical to try and learn how to move the feet fast before learning how to stand up or keep your balance by sitting up.

So, you learn how to do things that underlie everything else.
Medication on time?
Eating meals that give you energy?
Drinking lots of fluids?
Getting to bed at the same time (establishing a good bedtime routine)?
Cutting back on time wasters like playing solitair on the computer for 3 hours (yes, this is me... I'm getting better at it)?

In order to change one of those things, look at where you're derailing. At what specific point do you need to change the direction towards the better way?
In swimming, it is often at one particular part in the whip kick that the person needs to be aware needs changing. I always say 'make sure you start the kicking mechanics off right. If you do this, the rest of the kick is easier. If you start off doing it wrong, it messes up the whole kick right off the start.' One of the things is starting by splitting the knees wide apart right at the beginning... if you fix the beginning of the kick so that the knees stay close together, the rest of the kick works better.

So in life, what are you doing at the start of things that causes other things to derail?
No taking medications in the morning so you start off in a hurry?
I have started to set my alarm abotu 30 minutes earlier than I need to wake up, leave my dose with a cup of water RIGHT BESIDE MY HEAD, so I can take it semi-conscious when the alarm goes off. The second alarm goes off at the actual time I want to wake up. Having the meds in my system AS MY BODY STARTS THE PROCESS OF WAKING UP helps the transition of brain sleeping to brain awake MUCH MUCH les painful.
I wake up more alert and feeling refreshed (ie. not hung over when I don't drink), and my brain is organized and clear. I don't have to spend an hour trying to kick start my brain into thinking.

So that is an example of how to choose one thing that will help other things fall into place better. Not automatically.
So you want to focus on getting that one step right, and not worry so much if the other stuff doesn't go as planned.
Not to be mistaken with not CARING, but trying your best, and not beating yourself up over things if you don't have THE PERFECT DAY.

Does this make sense?

So choose one thing...
if you've got a good start of the day waking up sequence set up already, then choose something else.
Eating before you head off for the day?
Getting to the first location on time? (school, work, etc)
Being prepared for the day?

Just choose ONE thing, figure out WHERE in the process you get messed up, find out triggers... and then figure out what a SUCCESSFUL process would be. Figure out what can be changed to make it happen.

It's a lot easier for non ADDers to do these things with things like waking up, getting to places on time etc.
but they often seem to have issues with making presentations, social skills, empathy - understanding and listening to what someone else is REALLY saying/feeling, cleanlinesss (NOT clutter, but the difference between messy and DIRTY -germs.)...

Anyhoo, that's been my approach.
I have support from lots of people though... doctor, counsellor, and two advisors, and a tutor.
They all provide either feedback of what is keeping me back, or ask me questions about how I do things and what I want to achieve and give suggestions.
This helps a lot, helps me to figure things out. They act like a mirror to what I am actually projecting to the world... and I can see the reflection of my actions because they tell me. It takes trust and respect though.
And that motivation and support stuff I mentioned earlier.

Ask yourself lots of questions.
You already have the answers and capabilities within yourself,
you just have difficulty RECOGNIZING it.
Often I have found that lots can be improved by changing one small thing...
like the waking up thing, or getting dressed right away when I get up, so I don't have to go back after lounging around and rush to class. If I was dressed right as I get up, I have time to lounge, and then if I need to go right away, I can just go.

Anyhoo, I feel odd telling the world about my personal challenges, but I am trusting that everyone can see what their own challenges are. A lot of people might not have the difficulty of getting up right away or getting dressed right off the bat, but I have to remind myself to do it every morning still... but this doesn't mean that I'm inferiour, as I probably am more comfortable with other aspects of daily life that others are not (yet).

Don't rely on others to tell you what you need to improve. Tell yourself, be your own judge.
This gives the power back to YOU, because after all, YOU'RE the one who decides what kind of person you want to be and what you value right now in your life. You know what will help you feel more at ease with yourself day to day right now at this stage of life/year.

We all want to be good people. We can use others to HELP US find our way, but never rely on someone else to TELL YOU how to be, or define how you should be. YOU KNOW what bothers you about yourself. Well, most of us do..there are exceptions of people with psychosis and psychiatric issues. But that's another issue (been through the depression... but it does work to a degree just to realize what is causing you to feel down and stressed and negative. I've worked it out. Put yourself in control of your moods, refuse to let the extrinsic things determine it.)

OK that is all for now.
Please post!
I really love helping others.
I'm so happy that I have inspired at least SOMEONE, and that someone got something out of my ramblings. If you get even ONE great idea/motivation from whatever I'm saying, that is a great thing. That is a difference.
That's one more thing today that will help make you feel better about yourself, what you mean to YOURSELF.

We ADDers have this tendency to neglect liking ourselves and looking to others for that affection. Like yourself. Be proud of how strong you are for the effort of dealing with every day life's issues. A lot of people give up and check out, and get apathetic. If you are angry, frustrated, ****ed off about stuff it's because YOU CARE about what's happening and you want to do something about it.

Apathy would be worse.

OK OK. THAT IS REALLY ALL I CAN WRITE. I HAVE TO GO GET READY.
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. TEACHING (wheeee!) and other fun stuff.

Be strong.
Don't be the kick-ee, be the kick-ER. (as in kicking *****)

You can get better at it.
EVERYBODY procrastinates at various things.
Even the most organized person does to some degree.

The trick is NOT to think of it as 'cured', but continually working at becoming more effective at shrugging off that resistance/avoidance.

No one can ever be 'perfect'. The ADDer is just further behind than the 'average' overall, taken from some bazillion people in a population of who knows how many.


Cognitive behavioural therapy is basically evident in everyday life.

The VERY BASIC premise is that you REALIZE what you're doing inefficiently, WHEN YOU ARE DOING IT. It's basically the development of that awareness.

So the steps as I have learned from a group of 8-15 year old kids (kids can teach us grown ups SO MUCH):
FIRST: you have to figure out what the main issue is that needs to be addressed. In swimming, you have to start with 'balance'/body position before you can go on to add in breathing, timing, arm and leg movement. If the person isn't comfortable enough to be relaxed while in a balanced body position, it just messes everything else up.
SOOOO... in life, you look at the basic things you could work on that could potentially be messing everything else up.
MAIN THING HERE: is to CONSCIOUSLY SLOW DOWN YOUR BRAIN so you can break one thing down, and not worry about doing all the rest perfectly for the time being. Work with the thing that is creating a domino effect for everything else in your life, and work on understanding what it feels like to be in the moment when you are doing it correctly.
A big part of this is ACKNOWLEDGING when you have suceeded.
And, in order to be able to tell if you're doing something right is to understand what it feels like to be in a moment when you do it not-so-right.

So, one thing in my life is stress. It acts as the perpretrator for domino effect on basically everything else. It keeps me from doing things done well, because I'm always worrying about other stuff.

I've started to work on that stress/anxiety, and a lot of other things are falling more into place.


So, to recap:
1. Know what one thing that is causing domino effect on other areas in your life. If you're not sure, then ask someone to help. Draw a concept map of whatever you feel is something you want/need to improve, and have branches out to link up what other things each one affects.

2. FOCUS on that one thing. FORGET about all the other things you feel you need to do.
In swimming, I will be teaching the body balance thing, and I will always get some anxious kid who asks 'OK, what about my breathing?' and I tell him/her that we are NOT working on breathing right now, but body balance. I tell them I don't care if they don't go very far, because I'm not looking for distance, but QUALITY of body balance, and the ability to relax while in balance, and not worry about whether the person is doing the correcdt angle on the arm stroke.
One thing at a time: start with the basics and build up.

In life: you learn certain things first... you learn how to hold your head up when you're a baby before you learn how to roll over. You then learn to sit up, and then crawl, then walk. One step wobbly, then two steps.. then several steps, then onto running.
It would be impractical to try and learn how to move the feet fast before learning how to stand up or keep your balance by sitting up.

So, you learn how to do things that underlie everything else.
Medication on time?
Eating meals that give you energy?
Drinking lots of fluids?
Getting to bed at the same time (establishing a good bedtime routine)?
Cutting back on time wasters like playing solitair on the computer for 3 hours (yes, this is me... I'm getting better at it)?

In order to change one of those things, look at where you're derailing. At what specific point do you need to change the direction towards the better way?
In swimming, it is often at one particular part in the whip kick that the person needs to be aware needs changing. I always say 'make sure you start the kicking mechanics off right. If you do this, the rest of the kick is easier. If you start off doing it wrong, it messes up the whole kick right off the start.' One of the things is starting by splitting the knees wide apart right at the beginning... if you fix the beginning of the kick so that the knees stay close together, the rest of the kick works better.

So in life, what are you doing at the start of things that causes other things to derail?
No taking medications in the morning so you start off in a hurry?
I have started to set my alarm abotu 30 minutes earlier than I need to wake up, leave my dose with a cup of water RIGHT BESIDE MY HEAD, so I can take it semi-conscious when the alarm goes off. The second alarm goes off at the actual time I want to wake up. Having the meds in my system AS MY BODY STARTS THE PROCESS OF WAKING UP helps the transition of brain sleeping to brain awake MUCH MUCH les painful.
I wake up more alert and feeling refreshed (ie. not hung over when I don't drink), and my brain is organized and clear. I don't have to spend an hour trying to kick start my brain into thinking.

So that is an example of how to choose one thing that will help other things fall into place better. Not automatically.
So you want to focus on getting that one step right, and not worry so much if the other stuff doesn't go as planned.
Not to be mistaken with not CARING, but trying your best, and not beating yourself up over things if you don't have THE PERFECT DAY.

Does this make sense?

So choose one thing...
if you've got a good start of the day waking up sequence set up already, then choose something else.
Eating before you head off for the day?
Getting to the first location on time? (school, work, etc)
Being prepared for the day?

Just choose ONE thing, figure out WHERE in the process you get messed up, find out triggers... and then figure out what a SUCCESSFUL process would be. Figure out what can be changed to make it happen.

It's a lot easier for non ADDers to do these things with things like waking up, getting to places on time etc.
but they often seem to have issues with making presentations, social skills, empathy - understanding and listening to what someone else is REALLY saying/feeling, cleanlinesss (NOT clutter, but the difference between messy and DIRTY -germs.)...

Anyhoo, that's been my approach.
I have support from lots of people though... doctor, counsellor, and two advisors, and a tutor.
They all provide either feedback of what is keeping me back, or ask me questions about how I do things and what I want to achieve and give suggestions.
This helps a lot, helps me to figure things out. They act like a mirror to what I am actually projecting to the world... and I can see the reflection of my actions because they tell me. It takes trust and respect though.
And that motivation and support stuff I mentioned earlier.

Ask yourself lots of questions.
You already have the answers and capabilities within yourself,
you just have difficulty RECOGNIZING it.
Often I have found that lots can be improved by changing one small thing...
like the waking up thing, or getting dressed right away when I get up, so I don't have to go back after lounging around and rush to class. If I was dressed right as I get up, I have time to lounge, and then if I need to go right away, I can just go.

Anyhoo, I feel odd telling the world about my personal challenges, but I am trusting that everyone can see what their own challenges are. A lot of people might not have the difficulty of getting up right away or getting dressed right off the bat, but I have to remind myself to do it every morning still... but this doesn't mean that I'm inferiour, as I probably am more comfortable with other aspects of daily life that others are not (yet).

Don't rely on others to tell you what you need to improve. Tell yourself, be your own judge.
This gives the power back to YOU, because after all, YOU'RE the one who decides what kind of person you want to be and what you value right now in your life. You know what will help you feel more at ease with yourself day to day right now at this stage of life/year.

We all want to be good people. We can use others to HELP US find our way, but never rely on someone else to TELL YOU how to be, or define how you should be. YOU KNOW what bothers you about yourself. Well, most of us do..there are exceptions of people with psychosis and psychiatric issues. But that's another issue (been through the depression... but it does work to a degree just to realize what is causing you to feel down and stressed and negative. I've worked it out. Put yourself in control of your moods, refuse to let the extrinsic things determine it.)

OK that is all for now.
Please post!
I really love helping others.
I'm so happy that I have inspired at least SOMEONE, and that someone got something out of my ramblings. If you get even ONE great idea/motivation from whatever I'm saying, that is a great thing. That is a difference.
That's one more thing today that will help make you feel better about yourself, what you mean to YOURSELF.

We ADDers have this tendency to neglect liking ourselves and looking to others for that affection. Like yourself. Be proud of how strong you are for the effort of dealing with every day life's issues. A lot of people give up and check out, and get apathetic. If you are angry, frustrated, ****ed off about stuff it's because YOU CARE about what's happening and you want to do something about it.

Apathy would be worse.

OK OK. THAT IS REALLY ALL I CAN WRITE. I HAVE TO GO GET READY.
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. TEACHING (wheeee!) and other fun stuff.

Be strong.
Don't be the kick-ee, be the kick-ER. (as in kicking *****)

OK once again, I have gone off.
I think I may have come across as know-it-all thinking I have all the answers.
I don't. I am not always this super deep, philosophical, motivational writer... I am often frustrated, annoyed, dissapointed in myself. I'm having a positive streak presently. I just pulled the highest grade ever in university: 77%, and am still living off that high while I have to decide to drop a course and ask for extensions b/c I can't handle the coursework because of stress...

So please don't think I am condescending or anything. Just on a really good upswing. When I'm down, I get annoyed at people who are super positive... he he... so I can imagine I've got some people rolling their eyes right now.

I'm rolling my eyes when I read some of the stuff over... have I shared too much of my life? Do I come across as high and mighty? (Ironically, I'm less than five feet tall and 110 pounds. he he... I just talk big I guess.)

But seriously, I don't want people to think I'm one of those people who think they're right all the time, and have the answers.

I don't. I'm 'messed up', but working through it. Ups and downs.
I'm just trying to have a sense of humour about my adventures and give myself permission to feel successful more often.

Hope everyone has a good day, keep your chin up peeps. I'm thinking of all of you who are frustrated at life right now, and rolling their eyes at my super charged perkiness and rantings. Keep kicking *****, or at least keep trying. If you get knocked down, don't be down for the count. Heh.

Stupid analogies, I apologize. Again.

Nah, you are doing fine, not pretentious at all. I have to admit though I got a little worried with that statement about apathy at the end. I think it might be apathy I've fallen into. I keep busy with stuff that interests me but the things I ought to do that I know I need to do to get what I want out of life, I'm terribly apathetic about. But that's OK that was the whole point.

So I make a list but I just take one thing at a time & do that thing the best I can without getting overwhelmed. Sounds good but then I give up & ignore the rest of the list which really contains a lot of things I ought to be doing and can't really afford to put off.

Again, it occurs to me that meditation could help with this sort of approach to get the clarity of mind.

Thanks for clarifying, I think it was indeed helpful.

It seems that we are quite affectionate. We are very interested in our significant others although we might have trouble staying on track with a conversation about something boring to us.I completely agree with that. My honey is most affectionate and always interested. He also has a LOT of different interests, unlike anyone I've been with. And those are traits I absolutely love.

I see that this thread is oldish..but then, so am I.:p And I would like to start by saying that I love my ADDer - most of the time...

I think the problem identifying the good things about ADDers is that some of the items of the list of good stuff, is only perceived as good when followed through on...that is, it's all well and good to say that you are willing to give alot for love, but when the ADDer forgets about it and therefore doesn't do those very things, well, how disappointing for the non-adder. It's wonderful to have great ideas and interests but when the ADDer doesn't follow through, changes subjects, stops listening, becomes abusive when called on it and then tells the non-adder that they were mean to talk about it...

In other words, it's truly difficult to see the benefits because, frankly, when you balance the negatives against the ghostly positives..the scale tips towards the negative. Afer all the road to h*ll is paved with good intentions, no?

On another note: I understand that it's not the ADDers fault; that they have behavior and organization issues beyond their control, but you must realize that the absolute RAGE that this way of being creates for your partners - no diagnosis will ever alleviate their rage, nor will insisting that you really are trying but just can't do x, y or z. You DO need to apologize to your partners, and by this I mean the AA amends fashion, because you have been the instigator of the issues - aware or not, willingly or not. Non-adders didn't expect to be in a relationship with this TIRING, INFURIATING, IRRESPONSIBLE, CLOSED, SELFISH individual.

I think ADDers should seriously consider that true understanding of their minds might only be achieved by another ADDer because these FUNDAMENTAL differences in perceiving, relating and reacting to the world and partners get in the way of almost everything else. Neither the ADDer or the Non-adder are at 'Fault' (how I hate that word) but to skim over the reality of ADD in relationships that this mix creates, is perilous at best.

Buddist wisdom: If you are walking with a man that does not read poetry, do not show him yours.

If the problems that arise from ADD behavior didn't exist in a relationship, one is left wondering how much more in tune and fluid the relationshiop would have been. How much easier would it be to deal with all the good and bad, that comes with all relationships and life, with a NON-ADD partner?

Non-adders lay the blame on ADDers because their (non-adder's) responses are DUE TO ADD behavior that is OUT OF NORM. It is, I'm sorry, it is. Doesn't mean it's bad but try to put yourself in the non-adders shoes.

How many times over how many days, weeks, months, years do you have to repeat yourself before you blow your top? How many times do you have to follow after the ADDer before you finally scream, "GROW UP AND KEEP YOUR STUFF ORGANIZED!?"

How long can you live with instability on almost every level?

How many times do you have to feel completely ignored and devalued in your relationship before you crack from that?

ADDers aren't trying to be abusive/dependant/distant, but the result of this affliction is just that. It's like being trapped with a perpetually: verbally abusive, overly-sensitive, selfish - almost narcissitic, blaming, lazy, unreliable brat. What I want my ADD partner to know (and have already told him) is this:

I know that you aren't any of those things, but you behave like you are so stop for a second and think about YOUR part in the creation of anger and frustration and stop telling me that you have little responsiblity for your behavior since it can all be miraculously explained away upon uttering "ADD ADD ADD", you are the one with the disorder - and WOW, is it a disorder.

I am willing to help and adjust but be reasonable, I WILL be angry every time I have to repeat/remind you of something more than 5 times - this is classified as a NORMAL response and I will not allow you to punish or belittle me for it.

Your oversensitivity does not give you carte blanche to say or do whatever pops into your mind in response without apology - At some point we need to be able to speak freely and not tiptoe around on eggshells. Neither of us is allowed to verbally knife the other...and since you already admit that I am not verbally abusive, by the above statment I mean YOU.

Therefore I AM NOT WILLING to tolerate abusive behavior because you cannot censor yourself and react to others in a way that you yourself would not tolerate. Take your meds every day whether you want to or not, no exceptions. And go somewhere else when your mad until you've cooled off.

The next time you drudge up any grudge like that I didn't put gas in the car in 1994 and your still angry about it I will mercilessy laugh my *ss off, children hold grudges, adults dig deep to TRULY forgive - especially over something as stupid as that. And don't you have something better to do with your limited time on earth? Grudges destroy the maker not the other way around.

Your lust for life doesn't get the chores around the house done, nor does it pay the bills, care for children, plan vacations or improve your performance in bed.

Your sense of humor will not heal the scars your disorder has created over many years, will not pick the kids up from school, will not make me feel loved will not make me fall in love with you again.

Your visual brillance doesn't help anyone unless you apply it, and well, there we are, FOLLOW THROUGH - actions speak louder than words...get a coach, get a psychiatrist take responsibilty for your actions - because even if you end up repeating them, you must instigate the healing afterwards. I didn't do it, you did, intentionally or not, you the ADDer did (or, most likely, did not) do x,y,z and your disorder doesn't excuse it, it only just explains it.

OKAY, I'm bracing myself for the onslaught response and would appreciate it if responses were confined to Non-adders as the name of this forum implies...because we too need to vent in an uncensored, unchecked environment where what we are feeling can be expressed without the pressure of potentially hurting ADDer's feelings so that we can get over the issue at hand and move on. It feels inappropriate to me that ADDers would be here.

I love my Adder, but can I live with him..that's the question, isn't it?

Critter8-- um, weeelllll... OUCH!
I have ADD and I can tell you that you really do not understand.
But keep learning about it (if you can...) you might discover some interesting things about yourself and/or your partner.

Personally, (for ME) I do not find too many benefits with regards to having ADD. While, I do take full responsibility, I still experience a daily, ongoing struggle. There are times when I absolutely can not think because I am so overwhelmed by distractions and ...

But I really do try, as do most of the adders that I know... especially the posters at ADDFORUMS.com :)

Keep posting and reading. Welcome to this forum.

Critter8-- um, weeelllll... OUCH!
I have ADD and I can tell you that you really do not understand.
But keep learning about it (if you can...) you might discover some interesting things about yourself and/or your partner.
**** Respectfully deeperblue, YOU don't understand what it's like to be the non add'er. While it's phrased a *tad* harshly (the truth can be, sometimes) IMO critter8 is right on as to how dealing with our beloved add'er can make us non adder's feel sometimes.

My sweetie and I were talking the other day, and as is usually the case she took something I said as a personal attack when it was really just a general observation. In my moment of "ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH" I turned to her and said "you know, not everything is about you and your add." She sat there with a stunned look on her face. It may not make sense to you add'ers, but I'm willing to wager a cold beer or three that it makes a LOT of sense to us non-adders. Please think about that statement.

We understand that add'ers have certain issues...but add'ers need to understand that WE need some understanding too sometimes. It's not all "take, take, take...what, YOU want something now?"

at_wits_end

I loved what critter8 (http://www.addforums.com/forums/member.php?u=4416) wrote....it was long and drawn out.... much like my relationship or even everyday conversations with my ADD man. Always long, always drawn out, always a million reason why something can't/didn't get done. My god, how creative an ADD person must be to come up with so many excuses. The energy to create these excuses could have cleaned the house 100 times over. We can verbally spar over a simple issue for 30 minutes and not come to a conclusion because he's come up with so many excuses and diversionary angles that the intial topic is lost (or more likely I've surrendered to the verbal chaos and left the room).

As if I didn't have enough pent up anger for this situation already, I read more posts in which ADD people feel they are the only ones who need understanding. Life with an ADD person is no picnic, not even a nice snack most days!

I understand that the ADD folks need understanding, as they are wired differently and experience the world in a unique way. HOWEVER, that does not negate the fact that those of us who love and care for an ADD folks need just as understanding as we are on the add-adventure too.

Sorry to rant......I think we went through (yet another) day where my ADD man figures "it's all about me, me, me and what I need"

lm

Please remember that while this is a non-ADD section it is still a public area of the Forums. This means that any member may access and post in this section. There are private forums (http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=240) so people can express themselves freely. Please consider posting sensitive issue in the private forums (http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=240).

Buddist wisdom: If you are walking with a man that does not read poetry, do not show him yours.


If I were walking with a man who did not read poetry, I would explain and, likewise, I would want him to share his.

While our interpretations will always be different, I will honor his truth...for it is his story. And he will honor mine.

After all, he is good. I am good. We are.

The whole goal of Buddhism is to move toward being compassionate and loving toward others and ourselves. Buddha even provides us some guidance in doing just that,

Pay no attention to the faults of others,
things done or left undone by others.
Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.

Buddha - from The Dhammapada

Does it bother me when I have to clean the kitchen before I can cook? Heck ya! But, it's my problem. If my hubby wants to help me solve this problem by putting his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, Great! But, if he doesn't and that aggravates me, that's my problem too. It's up to me to decide whether or not to live with the aggravation. There is another option, I could let it go - try not to let it bother me. That'd take super-human resolve though, something that I don't often have.

It'd be great if I my husband would put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. If he'd see that by doing so, he makes me happy and lessens my load. But, if he doesn't and I'm aggravated by that - what have I gained? It's been working much better for me if I can just put my shoulders back, take a deep breath, and remember that he puts up with me too because sometimes I do get snippy with him and he feels attacked.

Anyway, that's what works for me. I think it is absolutely necessary to have a place to vent and to unload! That way we can get the aggravation out of our systems - then we can deal with our mates with loving compassion once we've decompressed. I hope that's what the venting is all about anyway.

By the way, I'm the one with ADD. I'm posting here because I have gained a lot of insight from reading your posts. You've helped me to better understand my husband's point of view. Thank you.

Relationships are difficult. Is a relationship with an ADDer more difficult than a relationship with a _______ ? I think that's open to debate.

Everyone is deserving of love and respect in a relationship. If that's missing from yours, I hope you know that the problem can't simpley be pinned on an "ADD" label.

Peace,

Wheezie

I'm with Wheezie on this matter. Please Don't blame ADD as problems in a relationship..it takes two to tango and the not ADD person is not always easy to live with either. I know..I am ending a relationship with a nonADD person because I can't deal with all of their issues that WE can't seem to amicably work out together. We are both at fault for soem of the same things....two wrongs do not make a right. Everybody deserves a loving, caring relationship no matter who you are. There are "positives" in everybody if you look for them:) Look a little deeper into the soul..You might actually like what you see.

I, too, am finding this discussion helpful. I have just had a long talk with my non-adder partner. And I am learning and hearing about his point of view. (he said that it's not too bad--I am somewhat sloppy, though ;) and of course I reminded him about his fishing stuff... :) and we smiled) I want to be open and I do want to learn...in fact this is probably the reason that I keep coming back to the non-adder threads.

I am very new to add--(only recently dx'ed) I guess that I am having so much trouble seeing or admitting that my husband's life, with me, must have been pretty rough...I wish that I could talk to him or at least work it out. I cannot. Yet I know that I have my own private issues which shoul not be played out in the non-add partner forum.

Yes I understand about Buddha--- I am learning that the most important person that I need to be compassionate to is me. I need to forgive myself.... If I can't be gentle with me, how can I with others. How can other's respect or know who I am.

I don't know...I just feel for the partners and that is my problem. I know that we all need to vent (safely and w/out fear of judgements) I just get triggered. I will work it out.

I have been reading the posts here and was just wondering if there was anything positive about people with ADD when it comes to being in a relationship with them?

ohmygod--yes! of course of course of course!

if there weren't and we stayed with our ADD partners for all these years then we'd have to be nuts, no?

a beginning list: unbelievably caring and compassionate. wise in ways that defy language. so kind and patient. loyal and devoted. i can't speak for others besides my husband, but his perceptual/sensory world seems to make sexuality more interesting . . . less of a beginning-middle-end narrative and more of a meander. there is something about ADD that seems to disrupt the conventions of masculinity (or perhaps hypermasculinity) and that is a bonus for anyone who finds traditional ideas of masculinity/femininity boring.

i will add to this list as i think of things . . .

ohmygod--yes! of course of course of course!

if there weren't and we stayed with our ADD partners for all these years then we'd have to be nuts, no?

a beginning list: unbelievably caring and compassionate. wise in ways that defy language. so kind and patient. loyal and devoted.
i will add to this list as i think of things . . .
personally, i think we are more exciting/spontaneous. we are more open to trying out new activities or going to new places. sitting on the couch all evening bores me.

we may not be the best readers of body language, but i can tell people's moods off the bat.

I guess that I am having so much trouble seeing or admitting that my husband's life, with me, must have been pretty rough...I wish that I could talk to him or at least work it out. I cannot. Yet I know that I have my own private issues which shoul not be played out in the non-add partner forum.
**** Honestly, from the NON add'er side, I wouldn't worry about this. I see my financee burden herself with these thoughts too. You can't change history, only try to write the future. Focusing on "how you made his life x, y, or z" in the past is probably only going to make you feel guilty to no good end. Just accept that it was and is difficult for him too and move on. Focus your thoughts and energies on NOT doing what YOU did yesterday, and making sure that what YOU do tomorrow is really what YOU want to have happen.

At_wits_end

PS - everyone should post everywhere IMO. If we (add and non alike) don't talk to each other to compare notes from both sides, all that will happen is the stupid will lead the dumb for a long walk off a short pier! :)

and it's really time that we had some fun and just took it easy...

thanks for you insights. My marriage was not a bed of roses...but we got by as best we could. He was not perfect, either. He just had good coping abilities and lucky for him, he was not add. And his daughters adored him. I was blessed.

WOW!! What great responses!! I agree with almost everyone to a certain degree..(that would be the left/right brain equality thing that I suffer from working on all eight pistons!)

I was really pleased that my post was so openly received.

Thanks everyone!

crit

I think what happens is the negative stuff bugs the person so they write it down, the positive stuff doesn't seem to be attributed to the ADD, but I think the positive is I do a lot of things, in a day, I think I also can go on with the you know whating for a long time as long as I don't start talking ha ha, the talking sort of gets in the way.