View Full Version : The night shift


paul wojnicki
07-21-04, 11:44 AM
"Evening Andy" screeched Diane

Ugh he shuddered, wondering how Dianeís husband, that desperado-Jeremy could possibly bring himself to shag someone as grotesque as her. It wasnít just her face, which had more than a passing resemblance to a ferret licking **** from a nettle, but everything about her. The way she waddled when she walked reminded him of a particularly awkward football mascot. If somehow the halitosis that polluted her each and every exhale could have been concentrated and bottled it would have constituted a major development in biological warfare, a new and terrifying terrorist threat. Miraculously this woman had somehow persuaded 3 men to marry her, beast masters three, a trio of dragon-layers.

"Evening Di" he replied. "Might as well get yourself straight off. Iím sure Jeremyís missing you."

"Okay Andy" she crowed and struggled into her coat.

He shook his head and he watched her Oscar winning penguin impersonation as she made her way across the car park to her battered old sierra.



The clock read 11pm, it was Saturday night and while everyone in the land was amusing themselves in their own particular way, Andy Lamb was just starting work. He sat and reflected on the nature of the job, Night Porter at the Travel Inn, Leeds. As a struggling writer and part time student the position had seemed ideal. His job basically consisted of sitting at the reception desk for 8 hours as the last of the hotels guests strolled in, occasionally making the obligatory fire check. This would leave hours of study and writing time and whatís more he would be getting paid for it, perfect. Perfect that is except for the Saturday night shifts, like tonight. Weekdays were great, the hotel was full of businessmen who rarely gave him any trouble and if they did they were easily dealt with. Being ****ed and alone put them at a distinct disadvantage to him, especially as he stood at 6ft3 and wieghed in at 15 stones. But this want a week night, on saturdays the hotel would be rammed full of hen nights, stag nights and a motley crew of ravers, drinkers and young couples looking for a place to have sex. How he dreaded Saturday nights, what this place needed was a security guard or even a bouncer.



There was zero chance of getting any study or writing done tonight, he watched a group of hens on their way out, quite tasty he thought. No doubt a few hours from now they would be giving him all sorts of hassle. He returned to his game boy. This helped while away the few moments that he wasn't mopping up puke or rebooting the fire alarms which would inevitably be set off by some witless arsehole. Three relatively uneventful hours later he was just clearing the forth stage of R Type 2 when the first incident of the evening transpired. Looking up he found a tall, effeminate young man of about 20 years looking agitatedly at him.

" i want to report a rape" he screamed.

"Oh my god" Andy replied ďwhere is she? Is she badly hurt?"

"what do you mean she, Iím the one whose been raped"

"Oh, by who?"

ďBy the ****ing dickhead in room 327!" He yelled.

"OK mate calm down, give me your name and ill call the police"

"Iím not giving you my name he said. Donít you know what I am?"

"Whatís that then?"

"A prostitute you moron. Your boy in room 327 hired me and now refuses to pay. He raped me. Just call the police and tell them that there has been a rape in room 327. I want him arrested"

"maybe it would be better if you called them, hereís the phone. Go ahead"

"im not calling them you dickhead, you make the call. Iím going outside for a cigarette" and with that he stomped outside.

"Why must I be cursed!" Andy exclaimed. This was just the sort of situation he could do without. Calling the police would doubtless cause the sort of scene that he had no wish to deal with, but the rent boy looked equally capable of inflicting misery on his evening. he decided the rent boy would have to call himself when he came back.



As he came to his conclusion a group of about 12 men were struggling to operate the simple card key operated doors to the reception. He buzzed them in and they immediately headed for the bar, which had been closed for about 2 hours.

"Evening lads" he greeted them apprehensively "Sorry but the bars shut"

"Shut!" a shaven headed Geordie among them shouted.

"Yes mate shut"

"But we're residents of the hotel"

Many people tried this approach, seemingly unaware of the existence of licensing laws in their country.

"Yes i know you are lads, but the bar shuts at 11 o clock"

"Bleedin hell. Where are we gonna get a drink then?"

"Well there is Winstonís. Thatís a, er, massage parlour but you can just go in for a drink. Its a 10 pound entry fee mind"

He was very aware of the existence of the brothel over the road, his predecessor had been dismissed for renting out rooms at the hotel as a spill over for the brothels busy nights. They had gone as far as to set up a little bar in room 302. He'd made a tidy sum before being fired. The owner of the brothel had already sounded whisky out. She had given him flyers and promised him £3 for every guest he sent over. He looked down at his pile of virtual £3 pound notes and handed one each to the geordie lads and sent them on their way. Easy money, £36, maybe Saturday nights were okay after all. Even better the male prostitute hadnt returned and showed no signs of doing so. Huh, what had he been so tense about? There was at least one other stag do booked in tonight, 16 of them that could be another £48 in his pocket.



By now he was looking forward to the arrival of the other stag party but all thoughts turned away as he noticed the naked man banging on the windows outside.

"What the ****?"

He went over to the window and saw that the naked man was absolutely dripping wet, it was November and he was shivering uncontrollably. Andy quickly opened the doors and the poor wretch fell inside.

"whatís happened to you mate?Ē He asked

"c.. cold, p.. please get me some clothes"

"Hang on ill get you a towel"

Andy dashed off to the linen room where he took one bath towel and a duvet cover to use as a makeshift toga. Returning to the reception he passed the man the towel and asked again.

"whatís happened?"

"Some lads jumped me took my wallet and clothes then threw me in the river" he said.

"**** me. Ill call the police"

He dialled the local police station and told them that someone had been mugged and needed assistance. The policeman at the other end said someone would be straight down, did he need an ambulance? Yes probably. It wasnít until he hung up that he realised he hadnt mentioned the nakedness or even the river for that matter. Still that could wait, the guy was now shivering violently on the chair. he was having trouble towelling himself and Andy thought he'd better help. This guy was in a bad way; he could hardly talk and wouldn't stop shaking. It was at this point that the rent boy decided to return, not having a key to the hotel he stood banging on the windows. Andy looked up at him and motioned with his eyes at the casualty shaking before him. The rent boy looked taken aback for a second but then started banging to be let back in.

"Cant you see Iím busy" Andy screamed at him as he rubbed the naked mans arms to get some heat in him.

He didnít notice the blue lights pulling up outside as he did so. The first he became aware of the police was as he looked up, still rubbing the naked man to see the policeman and the rent boys faces pressed against the window.

"Open the doors sir" demanded the policeman. The rent boy was rattling on at him and he looked back at him in a bemused way. Andy opened the doors.

"About time, its freezing out there." shouted the rent boy. "Officer I would like to report a rape!"

"Rape? They told me there had been a mugging" exclaimed the officer. He crouched down to the naked man and asked "who raped you sir?"

"Not him. Me" screamed the rent boy.

"Whatís going on here" asked the police officer.

"The man in room 327 raped me"

"This man here has been mugged"

"By the man in room 327?" the officer looked confused.

"No by someone on the streets"

With impeccable timing 12 angry Geordies stormed into reception. They looked angry and one of them had a bleeding nose.

"There he is the *******" one of them shouted. Seemingly unaware of the policeman.

"oy, you've just ripped us off mate, that place just charged us a tenner to get in and £3 for a can of fosters."

"i told you it was a tenner in, you said you didnít care, you wanted more drink"

At this point they seemed to notice the police officer. They had in fact been thrown out after demanding refunds for the sex they had paid for yet been too drunk to perform. They wanted revenge.

"yes but you didnít tell us it was a brothel did you."

The police officer looked over his shoulder as he heard these words.

"Look lads, you were all gagging for a drink and i told you it was a massage parlour".

"You ****in ripped us off mate" one of them shouted and tried to get at Andy.

He thanked god for the policeman who chose that moment to step in.

"Everybody be quiet" he demanded. "Iím going to call for assistance and then we'll get to the bottom of this mess." The officer called for assistance on his radio and asked Andy where the first aid kit was, he'd spotted a nasty gash on the naked man.

"Just behind the desk" he gestured to the reception desk. The policeman went behind the desk.

"mind if i take one of these" he called over. Looking at him Andy winced as he saw that the officer was holding aloft a Winstonís flyer. He had forgotten about them in the excitement. They had been right next to the first aid kit.

"see officer, we told you. This guys running a brothel. Listen mate Iím gonna report you to your manager first thing tomorrow morning."

"I donít think thereís any need for thatĒ he said as he picked up the phone. ďHello Brent, i think you should get yourself down here. Iím quitting..........Yes, as of nowĒ



Poor Brent, he'd been through 5 night porters in as many months. Once again he'd been called in the middle of the night and once more he would have to sit there himself. He stood at the windows and watched the police leave with Andy, he watched the ambulance leave with the naked man. The Geordies went to bed to sleep it off and five minutes later a group of hens walked in laughing and giggling. They had booked in during his shift earlier and enjoyed a flirtatious rapor with Brent.

"Hello darling" one said "you still here? You should come up with us and we'll show you some Essex hospitality."

They looked drunk but deadly serious. One of them lifted the hem of her skirt wantonly and beckoned him through the doors leading to the rooms. He had to do a fire check soon anyway. Locking the desk up, he put out his sign RECEPTION TEMPORARILTY UNATTENDED. BACK IN TEN MINUTES.

"whereís that other cute guy that was here about 11 ish?" one of the girls asked "he can come up too."

"Oh he had to leave early" Brent replied "but ill tell him you asked. Iím sure he'd want to know."