You mean it's not just me??

debkenai from livingwithadd.com
You mean it's not just me?? Posted 1-13-2003 11:51

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I recently moved 3000 miles, across country, to live with a wonderful man. Our year-long long distance relationship was great, but our day-to-day real time one is struggling.
He constantly blurts out unkind things without thinking or realizing he does it. He interrupts, he forgets, he procrastinates, he is messy, disorganized, and constantly under stress due to delayed tasks and unfinished assignments. It turns out I'm doing MORE work as a couple than I did as a single mom. My daughter has even commented that she does not trust him to "do what it takes" and is hurt by him repeatedly forgetting important things.
Family game night has become a struggle because we have to constantly remind him of the rules and moves.
At first, I thought it was just me being to darn picky and impatient and then I started to think that I'm just a witch. I've considered walking away many times, but a part of me can't imagine life without him.
Then, someone suggested ADD and it sounds so much like him!
This is good news to me, since it helps me see that there is help, and hope, with treatment and work. My concern is that he won't do the work needed.
How do I encourage him to seek help. I think he sees that this might be him, but doesn't want to face it.
I love him and want this to work, but I can't continue to live with him "as is". (gads....that sounds so heartless, doesn't it?)
Any suggestions?

merrie from livingwithadd.com
not heartless Posted 1-22-2003 20:39

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It's not that you are heartless, it's that the situation is heartbreaking. They have a condition which makes it extremely difficult to live with them; it's not their fault they are that way but I don't know how people can manage to live with this ADD stuff unless they change at least somewhat (depending on what the deficits are). I, like you, don't want to lose him, but living with my guy is wearing me down to nothing.

rowsee from livingwithadd.com
It's alway difficult Posted 1-23-2003 00:27

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My husband has always had ADHD, but it was not diagnosed until last year. I always thought he was an incredibly messy disorganized but brilliant man with some quirks! Well, he lost his job last year, as he was wandering around, not working, seriously questioning all authority and just acting plain loony (sorry, it just fits)... so we were on a quest and eventually diagnosed as ADHD... he was fired from the job and struggled to get another, but did not pay enough attention to his meds and took a job, that he hated immediately and unfortunately he is going to be fired again... this is so hard... 21 years together and he is ruining not only his career but our marriage is suffering as I have become his excuse... like, I didn't tell him or I should have known... I love him a lot, but it is stretching me almost to breaking... and thanks for listening! I don't think I have been a help, but maybe it shows how life can get

Hi,

I just read you post and I can sure relate to the game thing. Let me tell you something that happened here.

My dh used to be the same. We get together on a monthly/bimonthly basis to play "Sequence" with some friends. It always took my dh twice as long to play as anyone else and that was after reminding him several times. It was very frustrating for everyone, but thankfully our friends loved us enough to hang in there with us.

Two months ago my husband went off his Concerta and went on a herbal drug called beCALMed. Now last time I brought this up to someone, they accused me of being a distributor of this. Let you assure you, I am not. I have just seen such good results in my husband that I want the world to know, so to speak.

Back to the game situation. The first time we played with our friends, after changing meds, they couldn't believe the difference. He played right along with the rest of us, we didn't have to remind him, he didn't take longer, etc. It was wonderful. Our friends said "Wow, what have you done!"

There have been so many positive changes in my husband since changing meds. I could go on and on. If you are interested, please let me know. I'd be happy to tell you how this has helped my dh so that his and our lives are finally more normal than they have been in 30 years.

Wow that sounds so familiar - my ex-husband had severe mental problems as well (his memory problems were drugs-related but he has epilepsy and a violent temper/negative outlook and dangerous moodswings, he also has paranoid tendencies which I guess were triggered by drug abuse as he wasn't always that way according to his mother), and instead of letting me help him he started to use me as his excuse and his punching bag, and the longer the more he "punished" me for his failings!

As with everything else that was "bad" in his life, the longer the more every little thing that he forgot, that he didn't do right and so on became "my fault" - I guess the fact that he could land a girlfriend and especially a wife later one "justified" his own delusional ideas about himself, especially about how "normal" his outbursts and paranoid thoughts were :(

I have my own problems to deal with and he refused to even consider getting help for his mental problems, instead kept treating me worse (esp. when we got married) - in the end it got too much and my own ADD(-like - I have not yet been diagnosed) problems were excarbated by his constant accusations and his telling me off for being clumsy, mishearing things, having anxieties and social problems and not being the perfect housewife/being cluttery and not keeping the house clean (along with a full-time job working the same amount of hours as him - he did zilch in the house!).

I left when he started demanding I made babies with him, and turned my pleas for him to get help (as bringing a baby into such an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship - which was slowly turning towards physical abuse - would have been very stupid and dangerous!) into "proof" that I didn't love him.


I guess the gist of the story is this - AD(H)D and other mental problems do not stop people from being a$$holes - in his case, I have a feeling that even a diagnosis with some problem or other would not have helped him to get better, it would merely have been another excuse for not curbing his temper and instead being even more abusive than before.

After all, if he'd had the excuse of having a mental problem as a reason for his behaviour, there was even less incentive for him to try and get better because "It's not my fault so don't tell me to stop shouting at you" :(

PS: Sorry didn't see the last post, we must've posted at the same time. I tried getting my ex to take natural medication but after he'd said he would give it a try when I said I'd leave if he didn't get help, he then changed his mind again and went back to the old spiel of "I'm not having anything or anybody mess with my head, I'm normal it's all in your head and you should be lucky to haveme"

Maybe if you went & wrote about other things as well instead of going on and on about a certain product straight away in your first & only post, people wouldn't accuse you of being a distributor for that product? Just a thought! :)

Originally posted by driverldy2003
Two months ago my husband went off his Concerta and went on a herbal drug called beCALMed. Now last time I brought this up to someone, they accused me of being a distributor of this. Let you assure you, I am not. I have just seen such good results in my husband that I want the world to know, so to speak.
...There have been so many positive changes in my husband since changing meds.

That's great that your husband is doing well on beCALMed. Prescription meds are not for everyone, and not every med works the same for every person. I have to believe the same holds true for over-the-counter naturapathic and herbal supplements as well.

While its nice to hear that there are non-prescription solutions out there that have worked for some, its important to note some things (IMHO):

1. Herbal and naturapathic supplements are not covered under FDA guidelines and requirements for quality control & consistency.

2. Herbal and naturapathic supplements are not approved by the FDA for the treatment of ADD/ADHD or its symptoms.

3. Each person's brain is wired differently. This means that one person's success on a "substance" or medication will likely vary from the next person.

4. We all experience ADD/ADHD uniquely and individually (meaning, that each of us is affected by ADD/ADHD differently). With that in mind, driverldy2003's husband may very well have been helped by beCALMed, but I don't think we'll ever be able to scientifically quantify how HE experienced ADD/ADHD in relation to how we, as individuals, experience ADD/ADHD, to determine if its the right "substance" to use - especially in place of an existing medication regimen. - This would require "trial and error" testing on your part.

5. Never take yourself off a medication until you have consulted your physician. Its probably a good idea that if you DO plan on trying beCALMed, or the many other "brain-enhancement" supplements out there, that you review the manufacturer's claims, and the ingredients, with your doctor as well.

6. Don't take a supplement manufacturer's claims as gospel. They are a barely regulated industry.

7. If it works for you (meds or supplements)...GREAT! You're ahead of the game, and many ADDers will probably be envious of you.

NOTE: This is my personal rant, and in no way reflects the opinions or position of the ADD Forums, its staff, or its owners.

You are right. I should tell you a little about myself..sorry. I have been married to an adder for 30 years. Until 3 years ago we didn't realize that he had add. Basically, I just thought he was a lazy a-hole. Boy, was I wrong! We realized that he had a depression problem. After several therapist, doctors, etc. we have finally found a therapist that has ADD herself. She has been a great help to both of us.


I can relate to you all. He has been diagnosed bypolor, ocd, add, depressed you name it. As far as meds, we have tried adderal, concerta, effexor and those are the ones that I can remember. Some made him REALLY crazy.

He wasn't able to hold down a job for three years. He'd get one, and than he'd loose it because he'd do something like fall asleep on the job or any number of things.

Your are right that beCALMed isn't for everyone. It was our understanding when he started that it might not work. But we decided to take the chance and thankfully he was one that it did work for.

He is now working full time as a security guard, third shift (and he is able to stay awake). He is able to start and complete a job in a reasonable time. For instance, it used to take him two days to mow our yard. Not anymore, 1-1/2 hours and its done!

I feel like I finally have a partner. That I'm not the only "adult" in the family. We can actually sit down and have a conversation and he can admit when he has done something he shouldn't have, instead of telling me now I caused him to do it. He was EXTREMELY verballly abusive, but that has stopped.

The way he decribes it is that he feels that the vail of confusion has finally been lifted and he can finally see things clearly for the first time in years!

Like I said, this might not work for your loved one, but it is worth looking into.