View Full Version : I feel so miserable and dont like myself anymore


EricaLeAnn
09-30-10, 02:58 PM
I dunno why im typing this, i guess in hallow dreams that someone out there can help me... maybe someone out there has been through it too. I hate being overweight i worked sooo hard to lose it... or maybe it was just the adderall that did it for me. I started adderall xr 25mg eight months ago i was 154. Hated what i saw in the mirror, hated that i couldnt function like a normal person. My one-year-old son was suffering because I HAD PROBLEMS. I live with my husband's parents. We dont get along unless i do EVERYTHING here. I spend everyday sweeping, cleaning dishes, dusting, scrubing the floors. I guess im obsessed with it and its my fault. they never told me i had to clean but if i dont they wont for an entire week. and when they have 3 large dogs that play outside in a yard that is mostly dirt and bring all that in the house i have a problem with letting my son crawl around the floor in it and putting it in his mouth. But it's okay to them... they say it is perfectly fine for him to play in filth and they will even pick up food that he has dropped on the floor and give it to him to eat... im wrong and obsessed? I know how nasty the floors get from when i sweep and get a huge pile of dirt and dog hair and who knows what else is in it! I will spend about 3 hours (when i scrub the floors about 4 hours) cleaning and when they get home they immediately let their dogs out and then back in and it's a never-ending cycle.... back to square one like i wasted my 3-4 hours! My husband acts like a child and seems so irresponsible. All he does during the day is watch cartoons, text his friends, surf the web, and watch more tv. so i'm cleaning, he's starring at the tv, my son is playing with his toys and if he gets in the way he gets fussed at. i try to talk to him but he tones me out, everything else is more important. I am an outside person, tv annoys me. i love my son he is my world, he is everything to me and i want so bad to be the perfect mother and i feel i have failed soooo badly! i clean so he can play around the house and see his grandparents when they get home from work... because if they don't get to play with him they scream that i am keeping their grandson from them and ask me why i hate them! My husband lost his job and we talked about him joining the military. the recruiter says he has to lose ten pounds but he is being so lazy, complains about exercising, eats unhealthy. I have told him he can't out-work a bad diet! Well i hate that i am gaining weight and i hate the way my body looks and feels in my clothes so i call HIM lazy and fat, because i am upset with my body! i tell him i hate him, though in reality i care very much for him, and i tell him i'm going to leave him (hoping that it will force him to change things, though nothing EVER changes). it doesnt make me feel any better... i feel like an evil horrible person because i am so mean to him but i also feel alone and trapped in a life of miserary and don't see him getting us out of his parents house and living a real life... like a true family, a happy family. When i started the adderral xr it helped me concentrate and could finally focus to accomplish things and i started running 3 miles everyday and eating less and i went from 154 to 130 in 6 months. i was happier because i was smaller and i was able to FINISH projects but being stuck here kept me angry. well the adderall doesn't last but 3 hours now and im gaining weight again and back to miserable. i think the last two months it became less effective and now completely ineffective. I got to the point of not sleeping and being more angry and having NO ENERGY. i have gained six pounds, though it looks like more in the mirror. i think i am going through withdrawls because i feel i am worse than before i started the adderall. im chewing my nails, pulling my hair, yelling, so miserable and want to cry but it would be useless because he doesnt understand. For god's sake, i have spent an hour typing this, trying to put my jumbled thoughts into words! I felt so lazy, had no energy, was angry that i was gaining weight despite working my butt off, so i went from runing three miles everyday to maybe two days of the week. I started taking melatonin so i finally have gotten some sleep and i take b-12 supplement and fish oil now. I felt better, more energy, i ran 5 miles yesterday for the first time ever. that felt good. i want to fix my problems, i want to be a good mother and wife and a NORMAL person. maybe i will run 5 miles three times a week. maybe i will ask to switch from adderall xr to ir. maybe i need to have it increased? i dunno. maybe i will see a counselor. i just dont want to gain anymore weight, i want to lose what i gained and be healthy. i need to change my depressing schedule and stop cleaning and play with my son, read to him, show him new things, make him smile. he is such a sweet boy and i dont deserve him. he tries to help me and he gives me hugs and kisses when i cry. its sad because i think he is there for me more than i am for him...he is so smart is learning new words now like dog, duck, turtle... he feeds the ducks and turtles at the trail i run:) i know i had a horrible childhood.... my adoptive parents were both mentally and physically abusive and i want my son to have everything i didnt. i am afraid to go on meds for this because most cause weight gain and impossible to lose weight which i know will make me more angry. there must be something i can do that will get me out of this fog.

sarek
09-30-10, 03:41 PM
I hope you do not mind that I have taken the liberty to add in some paragraph breaks for easier reading, as I believe your post deserves a good answer.


I dunno why im typing this, i guess in hallow dreams that someone out there can help me... maybe someone out there has been through it too.

I hate being overweight i worked sooo hard to lose it... or maybe it was just the adderall that did it for me. I started adderall xr 25mg eight months ago i was 154. Hated what i saw in the mirror, hated that i couldnt function like a normal person.

My one-year-old son was suffering because I HAD PROBLEMS. I live with my husband's parents. We dont get along unless i do EVERYTHING here. I spend everyday sweeping, cleaning dishes, dusting, scrubing the floors.

I guess im obsessed with it and its my fault. they never told me i had to clean but if i dont they wont for an entire week. and when they have 3 large dogs that play outside in a yard that is mostly dirt and bring all that in the house i have a problem with letting my son crawl around the floor in it and putting it in his mouth.
But it's okay to them... they say it is perfectly fine for him to play in filth and they will even pick up food that he has dropped on the floor and give it to him to eat... im wrong and obsessed?

I know how nasty the floors get from when i sweep and get a huge pile of dirt and dog hair and who knows what else is in it! I will spend about 3 hours (when i scrub the floors about 4 hours) cleaning and when they get home they immediately let their dogs out and then back in and it's a never-ending cycle.... back to square one like i wasted my 3-4 hours!

My husband acts like a child and seems so irresponsible. All he does during the day is watch cartoons, text his friends, surf the web, and watch more tv. so i'm cleaning, he's starring at the tv, my son is playing with his toys and if he gets in the way he gets fussed at. i try to talk to him but he tones me out, everything else is more important.

I am an outside person, tv annoys me. i love my son he is my world, he is everything to me and i want so bad to be the perfect mother and i feel i have failed soooo badly! i clean so he can play around the house and see his grandparents when they get home from work... because if they don't get to play with him they scream that i am keeping their grandson from them and ask me why i hate them!

My husband lost his job and we talked about him joining the military. the recruiter says he has to lose ten pounds but he is being so lazy, complains about exercising, eats unhealthy.

I have told him he can't out-work a bad diet! Well i hate that i am gaining weight and i hate the way my body looks and feels in my clothes so i call HIM lazy and fat, because i am upset with my body! i tell him i hate him, though in reality i care very much for him, and i tell him i'm going to leave him (hoping that it will force him to change things, though nothing EVER changes). it doesnt make me feel any better...

i feel like an evil horrible person because i am so mean to him but i also feel alone and trapped in a life of miserary and don't see him getting us out of his parents house and living a real life... like a true family, a happy family.

When i started the adderral xr it helped me concentrate and could finally focus to accomplish things and i started running 3 miles everyday and eating less and i went from 154 to 130 in 6 months. i was happier because i was smaller and i was able to FINISH projects but being stuck here kept me angry. well the adderall doesn't last but 3 hours now and im gaining weight again and back to miserable. i think the last two months it became less effective and now completely ineffective.
I got to the point of not sleeping and being more angry and having NO ENERGY. i have gained six pounds, though it looks like more in the mirror.
i think i am going through withdrawls because i feel i am worse than before i started the adderall. im chewing my nails, pulling my hair, yelling, so miserable and want to cry but it would be useless because he doesnt understand.

For god's sake, i have spent an hour typing this, trying to put my jumbled thoughts into words! I felt so lazy, had no energy, was angry that i was gaining weight despite working my butt off, so i went from runing three miles everyday to maybe two days of the week.

I started taking melatonin so i finally have gotten some sleep and i take b-12 supplement and fish oil now. I felt better, more energy, i ran 5 miles yesterday for the first time ever. that felt good. i want to fix my problems, i want to be a good mother and wife and a NORMAL person.
maybe i will run 5 miles three times a week. maybe i will ask to switch from adderall xr to ir. maybe i need to have it increased? i dunno. maybe i will see a counselor. i just dont want to gain anymore weight, i want to lose what i gained and be healthy.

i need to change my depressing schedule and stop cleaning and play with my son, read to him, show him new things, make him smile. he is such a sweet boy and i dont deserve him.
he tries to help me and he gives me hugs and kisses when i cry. its sad because i think he is there for me more than i am for him...he is so smart is learning new words now like dog, duck, turtle... he feeds the ducks and turtles at the trail i run:) i know i had a horrible childhood.... my adoptive parents were both mentally and physically abusive and i want my son to have everything i didnt.

i am afraid to go on meds for this because most cause weight gain and impossible to lose weight which i know will make me more angry. there must be something i can do that will get me out of this fog.

Scooter77
10-01-10, 07:35 AM
Oh pet, please go see your doctor.
If you were a horrible person you wouldnt feel so bad about this.
Try to be gentle with yourself, some times it's all one can do to get through the day in one piece......and that's ok

stef
10-01-10, 09:57 AM
you sound like a wonderful mother and you deserve your son!

it's hard and you want to do everything for them, i remember that;
take care of yourself, you're in a tough situation right now.

Keep bringing your son to feed the ducks etc, these little outings are things you'll remember and cherish forever, no matter how hard the rest is right now.

EricaLeAnn
10-01-10, 05:00 PM
im not sure what to say to my doctor.... i dont know where to begin

ThinkingOutLoud
10-03-10, 11:35 AM
Im sorry your feeling so down on yourself, as well as the situations that surround you.

Your son sounds great and he is a good person to focus on.

Ive had all kinds of problems with my husband when he lost his job. He was moody, cranky, when he was on the computer (which was hours and hours every day) I was told to leave him alone, he didnt clean or do any chores... it goes on, but you get the idea.

A doctor is going to be one of the most important people in your life.

I had a wonderful one until he died.

We started off slowly, I gave him a rundown of my life on the first few sessions so we could get to know eachother. Then we started to address things that were happening in my life. Eventually we talked about the real problems.

He was a lifesaver and the person to vent to.

good luck
hugz

I have to see a new Dr myself and Im not sure where to begin either... but I think I will reread what I just wrote and go about it that way.

New Dr's make me very uncomfortable, but it will pass.

Jett
10-30-10, 04:49 PM
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Try to stop being perfect because you will continue to feel like a failure when you fail to meet unrealistic expectations. Concentrate on becoming a better parent. Fortunately that is something that you can improve on, although that will be far from an overnight project. Have you considered taking parenting classes or going to counseling? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't mean that you are "crazy", neither does it make you a failure., or any less of a person. We all have shortcomings. A failure is a person who will not admit when they are wrong and have no desire to improve or find help.

The first step in getting help is to admit and recognize that you have a problem, and you have already done that. Like someone else wrote here, if you were such a horrible person then you wouldn't feel so bad.You simply would not care and would probably believe that you are doing nothing wrong. You definately sound like you love your child, or otherwise you would not be writing about your problems here on these forums.

And unfortunately , people who were abused as a child by their parents tend to have some issues when they become parents themselves. If you are not in counseling, then I highly suggest that you find a counselor. If you had been in counseling, and it didn't work, you might want to try to find another counselor, or perhaps you can go online and find a support group for other people in your situation. If you go to church or temple, then maybe you could talk to your pastor, priest, or rabbi about this.

I don't have any children but can imagine how difficult it can be so don't beat yourself up so much. My parents are caring and generous people but they were abusive to me, mainly emotionally and mentally, but sometimes physically so I can empathize with you there. I am 35 and have no children, and frankly, with my mental problems and upbringing, I am afraid to have any children.

Forgive me if I am wrong, but it sounds like you are carrying around a lot of hurt and resentment towards your parents, and are now ( subconsciously) taking it out on your own kid. I could tell you to forgive your parents and then move on, but unfortunately, it's not that easy. Besides I don't know your life story and what they did to you but I can see that they must have hurt you a lot. Perhaps they were abused as a child. Both of my parents were mistreated, and my dad had an alcoholic father. None of them were exactly horrible people, it's just they were misguided and did not learn the proper way to be good parents, or to learn how to control their emotions. Most of the time, the abuse from my parents was out of anger and frustration, and not being able to deal with it constructively. I knew they did love me, and they did provide me with all my physical needs. On a few occasions, they did express regret about what they were doing. Of course, I was no angel either, as a teen I often put them through h*ll. Add to the fact that I had and still have mental problems, some, but not all, of my behavior was due to being ADD and bipolar, although at the time my parents had no idea what was wrong with me. They did know something was wrong, but you have to first know something is wrong before you can fix it. So a long time, I went without the proper help, although they did take me to many doctors.

My dad appears to have ADHD and even told me ( after I was diagnosed) that he probably has it too although he has not been diagnosed or to a therapist or p-doc. He has a nasty temper sometimes but calms down fast enough and does not have any major mood swings, so he's not bipolar. My mom, on the other hand, might be bipolar. She definately has lots of very rapid and wide mood swings, and is a very anxious person. Fortunately she is seeing a psychiatrist and is on meds, and is doing a lot better with the mood swings. I am also on meds, and am doing a lot better.It took about 3-4 years to find the right medicine combination.No, things are not perfect and I still have an occasional episode, but things are not completely out of control. We get along better now.

I apologize for this long post and I might have gotten side tracked a few times but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate a bit, and maybe you can see a bit of yourself through me, and I could give you some prospective on things.

Don't give up hope. I don't know what type of mental issues you have but you must have some issues or you would not be posting on these forums. And I don't know if you have ever been diagnosed with anything,and/ or are being medicated, or if you even need to be medicated. All I know is that you need help, and I hope you find the right help soon.

I don't know if you are religious or believe in God, but if you believe in God, maybe going to church might help.

Either way, I will keep you and your child in my prayers, and send best wishes your way.

Hang in there.