View Full Version : What is me and what is ADHD?


Rodocrosit
10-05-10, 07:50 PM
I didn't go to class today.
I live alone and most days I can't seem to get out the door.
I just started at the university a month ago and I know it's not "my fault" when I don't get to school, but it always feels like I've made the conscious decision not to go, and then I get mad at myself. I know I should stop thinking that I'm just being lazy, but it just always feels like I'm the one who decides to stay on the couch and watch tv.
The problem is that I'm actually very smart and I know I could do so much better if I didn't have this "tumor" inside my head. I keep hoping for a medical breakthrough so I could just get brain surgery and it would all be over with.
I am 21 and I only got diagnosed 4 years ago. I still can't seem to accept this illness as being a part of who I am, even though I know it is something that will be with me forever.
When I was still living at home with my mum and my stepdad and we would get into an argument, they would sometimes say (in the heat of the moment) "I refuse to discuss this with you when you haven't taken your medication".
As if my oppinion doesn't count when I'm not on medication. As if I'm not worthy of being listened to even though I've spent most of my life unmedicated.
Am I the one spending too much money on chinese take-away or is it my inabbility to control my impulses?
Am I the one deciding not to clean my apartment or is it my dysfunctional dopamin receptors?
I'm glad that I got diagnosed and medicated, but I feel like I'm losing myself and I can't seem to figure out who I'm supposed to be if this illness is a part of it.
I just don't know anymore...

EshkaronsEngine
10-05-10, 08:08 PM
Good luck bro. Take good care of yourself and eat as best you can.

x6eze
10-05-10, 08:11 PM
It sounds to me like you are also suffering from depression as a result of ADD. Truly, a nasty combo. But the best thing you can do is to keep hoping for the better, because things will get better.

Rodocrosit
10-05-10, 08:12 PM
I've been on Zoloft for about five years and my dad died six months ago, so yeah, I'm depressed. But I don't think that explains the whole "identity crisis".

Alex9
10-06-10, 08:37 PM
The way I think of it is that I was born with adhd and ill have it all my life, so its part of me, both its negatives and positives. Sure I cant do anything productive at all without taking meds, but at the same time, adhd is responsible for a lot of my personality. The inattentive effects can be relieved with medication, but even then adhd still has a huge impact on my personality. Since adhd is part of my personality (but not all of it) I think that its "me".

I feel your pain, man. Im a sophomore in high school and probably one of the smartest kids in my school, but I still feel like I'm completely underachieving. I feel as though I am gifted in many areas (sports, school,etc) but adhd has prevented me from ever fully living up to my potential. And I have never had a point in my life when my academics, sports, and social life were balanced. Im always failing at least one of them (right now its social life).

And I get mad at myself and question myself all the time too.


Good luck and your not alone.