View Full Version : Feeling purposeless. Kinda long, sorry.


Rev_kareline
10-06-10, 08:56 PM
So, I'm not in any way new to these forums... I just haven't posted in however many years. I joined when I was 15 or 16, and I'm now 21 if that says anything. I usually just come on here as a reference to see if anyone else is dealing with similar things. Lo' and behold, I'm never alone!

I wrote a big long massive intro, but deleted it out of fear that it was completely unnecessary... anybody else do that? Even though to me, it seemed important... oh well.

I've been on 20mg (once a day) Adderall IR since I was 16, and it's always worked exactly like it needed to. No complaints, at all. In addition to that, I was also on Ambien for sleep, and it worked like a charm... I'll go ahead and point out that it was the 6th prescribed sleep aid that actually worked. Unfortunately, I have no insurance, and I couldn't afford it even if I did. AND, I got a job working 3rd shift at a gas station. I REALLY love my job... I LOVE working alone, I love that I'm left to get things done how I want to, etc. It's a control thing. My manager comes in at 6:00am and she's become a very close friend of mine. The issue is that my house had no air conditioning this summer, it was REALLY hot, my room is on the first floor of a 4 bedroom home that's probably older than God, and made of really creaky wood with REALLY loud effing doors... and I have three roommates (one of whom is a horrible gutterslut with the common decency of a dying swamp rat, but she's moving out soon).

Another big paragraph deleted... in short: I was awake for 109 hours, collapsed at work with this massive horrible panic attack, hallucinated for about a week, tripping balls, was on Clonazepam for sleep, but then the hospital gave me Lorazepam... lots of benzos going into me. I was EXTREMELY over-medicated, and it REALLY took a toll on me. Eventually I've gotten to some sort of balance. That was in July. Now, just last week, without even realizing it, I had been awake for 96 hours, with a 2 1/2 hour period of sleep in the middle of it. Before I knew it, I was wanting to kill myself.

I have anxiety problems, no doubt. I've dealt with depression in the past. But when I'm able to sleep enough (which is never), the Adderall works fine and I can live a normal life where I'm happy and whatever. But recently I've noticed myself DREADING leaving work. I work 11:00pm to 8:00am... most people would want to book it out of there and go home and go to bed.

I don't. I feel like the only time I have any purpose, is when I'm at work. I work hard, I get lots done, I enjoy my regular customers, I ADORE my boss... but then I live with two of my VERY best friends from high school--shouldn't I want to go home and see them? PLUS, I know Adderall is not efficient if taken without proper sleep. So shouldn't I want to go home and TRY to sleep? I feel like work is my safe zone. The second I leave, is the second I start thinking: "You have no FREAKING purpose. Nothing you did at work means anything, you have nothing at home, your life is going nowhere, what have you accomplished so far? You've dropped out of college three times... you're 21, you're going nowhere, you have ZERO PURPOSE."

Then when I'm so tired, sleep deprived, delusional, fatigued, etc... it's like I lose my ability to produce ANY emotion. I feel so debilitated, that I start telling myself, "I can't do it anymore. I don't want to try anymore... I can't do it." To go without sleep so severely is the worst feeling I've ever had in my life.

So... I'm sorry this is so long. I just don't have people to talk to... I'd be a burden to my friends, I don't want my boss to worry... But I'm afraid that if I can't get enough sleep, that eventually I'm going to go crazy and kill myself.

That's about it...

Vous
10-15-10, 08:23 PM
Maybe your purpose IS to keep trying new things. The fact that you dropped out three times is maybe a sign that, college is not were you need to be. This is also a sign of motivation. You demonstrated that you still have power and energy to try more than once.

Going to College or whatever, doesn't guarantee a life full of satisfaction and happiness.

Maybe your purpose was made for adventure, travel, new things. You will never know unless you keep trying.

You have to keep trying, keep moving no matter what. That's what we as humans were made to do. Deep down your soul wants to keep going even if your mind is saying otherwise.

There are days and times of darkness but remember the sun will always rise, there will always be another day, another chance, each day is another chance. This means that the possibilities for you are endless.

I have a very close friend that went through something similar as well. He dropped out of school 4 times. He never lost hope, but yes, it was hard for him, there were times when he saw no end no hope. He went through a lot of family troubles.
But something inside of him kept driving him to keep going, to find something, even if it is temporary. Finding something temporary means that you have the ability and potential for something more.

If you can right now, why don't you try to find some other work? Just start applying to random crazy things, even if they seem out of your capability. You never know. Just for the hell of it.

Maybe you should print out what you wrote in this post and hand it to your doc ?


I hope everything works out for you and one day you see that life is more simple than what society has us believe.
Just keep moving, fuel your fire. Let that frustration fuel your motivation to keep going and never cease to find something better.

StoicNate
10-15-10, 09:28 PM
Maybe you should print out what you wrote in this post and hand it to your doc ?


I second this.
Let your doctor know about this, so he can help you with it.

Drizzy
10-27-10, 04:18 AM
I have feelings like this too and I am also on Adderall. Adderall does make depression worse bc it makes you dwell on things a LOT! Since depression and ADD both seem to be the result of dopamine deficiencies, ADD meds can give ppl a break from the depression. This is only temporary and it will all come crashing down on you sooner or later(not YOU but ppl in general). I know life was finally starting to work out for me until the Adderall stopped working and making me feel positive and started to bring back my feelings of severe depression and useless-ness. Its 3am right now and I am finally seeing my doc tmrw, where I will try to get ambien or something like that bc I can't live like this anymore. I stayed up for 3 whole days with about 4hrs of sleep and I felt terrible, just like you are. Strung out, fatigued and empty, I made the decision to stop taking it. I quickly realized that life was 200x more difficult so reluctantly, I started taking it again.

Listen, I could go on and on about my story but it will not change anything. There are a few natural options you could/should try. L-tyrosine is converted to dopamine in your brain and could help with the ADD and depression. 5-htp is converted into serotonin in your brain and could improve your mood and sleep issues(sleep is strongly regulated by serotonin). Take the tyrosine in the morning and 5-htp at night. Both of these are naturally occuring and you won't become addicted. I started smoking mj and it helped me fall asleep, naturally. I hate the pills and I feel like I got the shaft in life but what are you going to do? Play the hand your dealt the best way you can. I truly hope the best for you and you can message me whenever you want. Keep your head up

Madalie
10-27-10, 04:34 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sq0W-L1KKPg

I highly recommend this film.

Amtram
10-27-10, 09:56 AM
Sounds like depression to me. . .but I'm not a doctor, just someone who found that stimulants and benzos weren't enough, and I needed an antidepressant to balance them out. They help me sleep better just because they keep me from stressing and obsessing.

You really do need to talk to your doctor. If you're feeling like this, you'll never be able to find purpose, you'll just keep worrying about not having found it.