View Full Version : Confused rant...


scars
10-10-10, 03:11 AM
Hey there..

As I'm looking more into these PDs I'm starting to think I have one or two if you can even have two....

-Over the last 2 years I've successful completely Isolated myself from the world. The aftermath of a nasty breakup left me in depression and I started taking whatever drugs people would throw my way. I still had friends then. But how I acted during the breakup probably scared everyone off. It wasn't the first time it happened, but was definitely the only one everyone knew about. Things were going great in my mind and one day she decided to dump me out of the blue. I later learned it was because I attempted to move to fast. That escalated into a verbal fight where I basically unleashed all my anger out on her, it seemed justified. Two weeks later we got back together and a month later It all fell apart again. I accused her of cheating and she wasn't, somehow I gathered she was. The next month consisted of constant fighting and me throwing low blows then getting even more angry if she came back and threw one at me. Pointed my finger at her blamed everything on her. Everyday... I would beg her to forgive me. Threaten suicide if she would leave me. I never intended to do it, but it seemed like a good way to get her back. Till the last day I'll never forget... "Wow. Just go kill yourself I don't care anymore, leave me alone." Every time I get close to being in a relationship these feelings start rising up in me again so I push that person away. Now I'm alone and craving someone to be with, but I'm scared of feeling that pain and inflicting it.

-It may be just a side affect of the real problem though... I'm extremely Paranoid and I'm becoming more aware of it, but am failing in my attempts to control it. I get nervous walking in the door of my job because I don't want to be in a conversation. I get nervous thinking about talking to anyone. When I'm at the public library I feel the need to shrink the internet down to a small size so the guy next to me can't see what I'm looking at... I turn my music down in my truck when I hit a red light because I don't want the guy next to me hearing it and judging me. If I hear laughter near me I immediately assume it's me and listen in to make sure. I have typed out so many posts on this forum so far but Haven't even posted 1/4th of them and I don't know why. I'm hiding behind a mask... I'll be lucky if this one goes up. I've lied every single time to my Counselor and redirected every question to something that isn't the problem I can't let anyone inside.... I don't even have a relationship with anyone outside my family because I think they will hate me or I them.

So now.. I'm sitting here trying to figure out... what more is wrong with me. Adhd doesn't explain some of the things I've done or some of the things I think. Maybe this obsessive searching is a problem in itself. Bleh who knows. For some reason I keep hearing my name being called.. but no one is around so it's probably my imagination.... this has happened for years.

Even now the thought of hitting the enter button is sending this constricting feeling to my heart and gut. Bleh..... Now I'm second guessing and wondering if I can even post this here or if it's against the rules... W/E Enter.

emma13
10-10-10, 06:25 AM
i wish i had some words of wisdom for you. unfortunately, all i can say is that your pain and turmoil will not end until you are ready to allow to be helped. you need it, but you refuse it as far as i can see, by not talking to your counselor.

first step in getting a correct assessment of your problem, and start dealing with it is to allow a professional to know what's going on. if you find it hard to talk you might even print this post and show it. do a first step in helping yourself to get out of this nightmare.

good luck.

scars
10-10-10, 10:39 AM
Thanks for replying. My mind feels like a roller-coaster heh. Right now I'm feeling normal, not happy, but not sad. I woke up about to jump on here and delete my post because I was scared it was going to get criticized harshly. XD

That may be a good idea. I'll print it out and take it. For a long time I was complacent and didn't want to get help. Wouldn't do anything that would threaten my addiction to a video game.... That looks pathetic just looking at it. I'm attempting to get help now, but as usual my mind tells me I should do this alone first. Oh, well I'll see her on wednesday.

ADDMagnet
10-11-10, 09:07 PM
Hey there..

As I'm looking more into these PDs I'm starting to think I have one or two if you can even have two....

-Over the last 2 years I've successful completely Isolated myself from the world. The aftermath of a nasty breakup left me in depression and I started taking whatever drugs people would throw my way. I still had friends then. But how I acted during the breakup probably scared everyone off. It wasn't the first time it happened, but was definitely the only one everyone knew about. Things were going great in my mind and one day she decided to dump me out of the blue. I later learned it was because I attempted to move to fast. That escalated into a verbal fight where I basically unleashed all my anger out on her, it seemed justified. Two weeks later we got back together and a month later It all fell apart again. I accused her of cheating and she wasn't, somehow I gathered she was. The next month consisted of constant fighting and me throwing low blows then getting even more angry if she came back and threw one at me. Pointed my finger at her blamed everything on her. Everyday... I would beg her to forgive me. Threaten suicide if she would leave me. I never intended to do it, but it seemed like a good way to get her back. Till the last day I'll never forget... "Wow. Just go kill yourself I don't care anymore, leave me alone." Every time I get close to being in a relationship these feelings start rising up in me again so I push that person away. Now I'm alone and craving someone to be with, but I'm scared of feeling that pain and inflicting it.

-It may be just a side affect of the real problem though... I'm extremely Paranoid and I'm becoming more aware of it, but am failing in my attempts to control it. I get nervous walking in the door of my job because I don't want to be in a conversation. I get nervous thinking about talking to anyone. When I'm at the public library I feel the need to shrink the internet down to a small size so the guy next to me can't see what I'm looking at... I turn my music down in my truck when I hit a red light because I don't want the guy next to me hearing it and judging me. If I hear laughter near me I immediately assume it's me and listen in to make sure. I have typed out so many posts on this forum so far but Haven't even posted 1/4th of them and I don't know why. I'm hiding behind a mask... I'll be lucky if this one goes up. I've lied every single time to my Counselor and redirected every question to something that isn't the problem I can't let anyone inside.... I don't even have a relationship with anyone outside my family because I think they will hate me or I them.



Hi Scars,
I'm sorry that you are going through some hard times but you are not alone. Although I certainly can't diagnose you, many of your descriptions are familiar to me. My husband and several other family members have experienced much of what you've described and they have all been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I'm not saying you have BPD. I don't know if you do or not.
However, I highlighted in red some of your statements that are possible indicators of borderline personality disorder. Paranoia can also be part of BPD although it can also be a symptom of other disorders as well. My husband had a lot of paranoia like you mentioned and it was part of his BPD. Craving the closeness yet pushing people away when they get too close is a common symptom with BPD. There's a book about BPD that is titled, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me".
When you first fall in love and the relationship is great, you generally have very few symptoms. But when a breakup occurs or the "being in love euphoria" has worn off, the problem symptoms start to appear. I can suggest a website with an article that has a very good description of how someone with BPD feels. Read it and see if you can relate to any of it. The site is www.biologicalunhappiness.com (http://www.biologicalunhappiness.com) As you scroll down on the left side you will see a list that begins with "Screening Test", "Ask the Doctor" and the next one is BPD-Borderline Personality Disorder. Click on that and at the next screen that comes up, go to the fourth item listed which is titled, "Dr. Heller Discusses Borderline Personality Disorder." Read it and see what you think. There's a lot of other good information on the site.
Dr. Heller happens to be the doctor who diagnosed my husband and several family members when several other psychiatrists didn't have a clue what the problem was. It's actually more common than most people realize. 5.9% of the population have the disorder. Some cases are mild, some moderate and some severe. It is difficult for most psychiatrists to recognize and diagnose unless the case is severe or unless it fits the "textbook stereotype".

It is possible to have more than one personality disorder. It is also very rare to have just BPD without an additional condition such as an anxiety disorder (generalized anxiety, panic attacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, and OCD are some examples), depression or ADHD. About half of those with BPD have ADHD as well. I have a friend who has BPD, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and an anxiety disorder. BPD is frequently misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder or Depression.
I hope you are able to find out what you are dealing with. Whatever it is, the right treatment can make a big difference. I wish you the best.

ADDMagnet

scars
10-12-10, 01:35 PM
Thanks for the reply. I'll have to look up the things you listed between classes today, but its very interesting. I've looked up BPD before, but I wrote it off due to two things.
1. The BPD forums online are filled with people talking about cutting themselves, something I really have never done. Although I do have non-self-mutilation things I do that could be considered as self damaging.
2. I was never physically abused as a child, however my parents were false-christians (alcoholics that go to church and do everything "in the name of god"). My childhood is kind of a blur mainly because I would get myself hooked into other things (mainly video games) to try and escape reality. My relationship with my mom could be described as push-pull and my dad is distant.

However, many things do point to it, but it's most noticeable in close relationships. I'll have to look more into it and I'll bring it up at my counseling appointment tomorrow.

One thing I do notice is when my counselor brings up my addictions and/or past relationships I feel this anger in my gut and I push away from the topic and go elsewhere. I guess I felt that she was a threat to my addiction and at the time I had no intention of quitting. Now I have confronted the addiction and have almost quit and cut from 60-80 hours a week in front of this game to maybe 15-30 minutes it will be easier to talk about. I was delusional for a long time and had plans to cut back and only play "casually". I think the breaking point was a discussion about the Korean Government's decisions to try and stop video game addiction. The reactions of my classmates brought awareness of what everyone viewed me as. That night I was playing and had someone just unload with rage on me because I wasn't as good as he thought I should be and I completely broke down mentally, cried, and realized I was wasting my life with this.

Anyway I have to go to class now XD

ADDMagnet
10-12-10, 09:26 PM
There are a lot of myths about BPD even more so than the myths about ADHD. Just as some people think that hyperactivity has to be present for someone to have ADHD, some believe "cutting" has to be present for a BPD diagnosis.

There are 9 criteria that define BPD and you only need to have 5 of them to receive a diagnosis. There are a lot of individuals who don't cut or self-mutilate but have BPD. It is not a requirement for having the disorder. There are also other forms of self-mutilation. I know of an individual with BPD who would burn his arms with cigarettes.

Being abused is not a requirement for the disorder either but a fair number have suffered some type of abuse or trauma. Some of the individuals with BPD that I know have been abused and some haven't.

I have had therapists that were surprised that my husband had BPD. They said they thought only women had the disorder. Another myth. Generally, more women are diagnosed with the disorder but there are several reasons for that. They have done studies where therapists were given descriptions of patients with the same symptoms but some were men and some were women. The men who had the same symptoms were not diagnosed with BPD. If they have substance abuse problems as well, they will usually only receive that diagnosis. Men with the anger issues found in BPD will more likely receive a diagnosis of ASPD or Bipolar Disorder or just a "temper" problem.

Many people with BPD are "high-functioning". They can have a successful career, and co-workers or casual acquaintances may never see any symptoms. It is the people who are closest to them that see the symptoms--family members, spouses, and girlfriend/boyfriends. Stress is also an important trigger for those with BPD.

ADDMagnet

scars
10-14-10, 11:00 PM
She thinks it's something more along the lines of general Social Anxiety, however she said she will have to do some further looking into it since I kinda forced it out of myself in the last 10 minutes of the session. She did say she doesn't think it's bpd though she seems to carry the "you don't cut yourself so therefore you don't have it" type of thinking. Well see.

emma13
10-15-10, 10:40 AM
you made a first big step. look at it as an achievement. first step is always the hardest :).

scars
10-20-10, 02:16 AM
it seems just talking to people about my issues has helped my confidence a bit :0
got a date this weekend. nervous nervous nervous

scars
10-29-10, 11:43 PM
Seems like I'm riding a roller coaster ride... Extremely ambitious one minute and then falling into increasingly deeper depressions the next.. In my last session we were talking about my childhood and she said some of the events sounded incredibly traumatic even though I have never thought of them as traumatic....

Sorry..... seems like I'm always posting when I'm depressed :\ I feel like I'm changing my point of view on this stuff every 5 seconds. I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be like wtf why'd I say that.

sir_taps_alot
11-02-10, 05:02 AM
I would be willing to bet that you don't have a personality disorder.If you have an authentic diagnosis of adhd, I would look into those symptoms first as some of the secondary effects of adhd would lead somebody into the though pattern you are presently in.

scars
11-02-10, 07:10 PM
Thanks for the reply. Yes I have an authentic diagnosis of Adhd. I have been thinking lately that there really is nothing wrong with me and it may just be the environment I currently live in that is leading to my depressive states.

My councelor has been helping me draw connections between a lot of my actions (even simple ones) and my dysfunctional broken family. (ex. having a hard time expressing anger when it arises due to the emotion being "banned" when i grew up. I would be spanked or grounded for even showing signs of anger. About a year after the divorce, my mom told me I made her want to kill herself because I was mad at her for something minor and had gone to dinner with my dad because of it. So now I subconciously deal with anger by bottling it up and avoiding the person until it explodes.) I do enjoy being away from home more often than being home. Walking in my house feels like stepping in a boxing ring, my guard is up and I'm prepared for anything.

So.. I think I'll leave the diagnosis proccess up to my councelor and doctor. I'll head back up to the general Adhd discussions unless I am diagnosed.

Thank everyone for yalls help :)
-Scars

BobbyBrown
11-03-10, 08:17 AM
Hi there!
After reading your posts I have to say I recognize alot of the feelings you are describing. Especially the "I feel like I'm changing my point of view on this stuff every 5 seconds. I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be like wtf why'd I say that."
I never post anything, anywhere, and when I do, I most likely remove the messages after a couple of hours.
I was recently diagnosed with both ADHD, social phobia, and they also told me that I am "emotionally unstable", which is the same thing as borderline personality disorder. You should absolutely talk to a doctor or a psychiatrist, you are not the only one with these problems and there is help to get :-)
Good luck and take care!

(english is not my native language, please don't judge my grammar or spelling :-) )

sir_taps_alot
11-03-10, 12:45 PM
Hi there!
After reading your posts I have to say I recognize alot of the feelings you are describing. Especially the "I feel like I'm changing my point of view on this stuff every 5 seconds. I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be like wtf why'd I say that."
I never post anything, anywhere, and when I do, I most likely remove the messages after a couple of hours.
I was recently diagnosed with both ADHD, social phobia, and they also told me that I am "emotionally unstable", which is the same thing as borderline personality disorder. You should absolutely talk to a doctor or a psychiatrist, you are not the only one with these problems and there is help to get :-)
Good luck and take care!

(english is not my native language, please don't judge my grammar or spelling :-) )

emotianally unstable is not the only thing that constitute borederline personality disorder. it's way more than that

fropunka
11-03-10, 01:14 PM
Did your counselor consider rapid-cycling bipolar?

scars
11-03-10, 06:35 PM
Did your counselor consider rapid-cycling bipolar?

I don't know. I will find out more next Wednesday. This will only be the third appointment where we're actually talking about these issues. I don't think she's going to start throwing diagnosis's out there unless she is sure as she did with my adhd.

scars
11-03-10, 07:54 PM
Hi there!
After reading your posts I have to say I recognize alot of the feelings you are describing. Especially the "I feel like I'm changing my point of view on this stuff every 5 seconds. I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be like wtf why'd I say that."
I never post anything, anywhere, and when I do, I most likely remove the messages after a couple of hours.
I was recently diagnosed with both ADHD, social phobia, and they also told me that I am "emotionally unstable", which is the same thing as borderline personality disorder. You should absolutely talk to a doctor or a psychiatrist, you are not the only one with these problems and there is help to get :-)
Good luck and take care!

(english is not my native language, please don't judge my grammar or spelling :-) )

Thanks for the reply, It's nice to know someone else has similar experiences. It's difficult to find good discussions over the internet about them because other forums are filled with thousands of "I just cut myself and want to tell you about it" type posts.

Just something I found, but this kinda fits me more than BPD. en. wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness (delete the space between en. and wiki)

Not trying to self-diagnose again, but it looks like I'm reading a book someone wrote about me. Dysfunctional Family, Verbally abusive parents, getting bullied in earlier school years, Isolation, 2 sisters, anxiety, happy with a min wage job, almost unable to be assertive in any context, not liking being around other men, I was humiliated in front of family friends often for bringing up my curiosity about sex to my parents in private as I as growing up. Even today I am made fun of and humiliated by them when any topic related to sex is brought up "Hey do you think this girl in this movie is hot? haha your turning red! HAHA YOUR REALLY RED! HAHA THE GIRL IS MAKING YOU TURN RED YOU MUST THINK SHES REALLY HOT! HAHA is this embarrassing you? Why are you red!? HAHA" -multiple people start laughing at me and it feels like I'm watching myself in slow motion, my heart beat sounds like a drum in my skull, I start sweating, and I can't speak properly which leads to more humiliation....They do the same to my younger sister.... I get this effect everytime I feel like I might be humiliated, and that example is very mild.

While I have been in relationships that ended badly as I've told, I would consider them "lucky" relationships because they were with very assertive women so I literally had to do nothing to get it going.

My difficulty expressing anger may be associated with the fact I would be grounded for a month or spanked as a child for showing signs or admitting to anger. The last time I admitted to being angry with my mom was 8 years ago and she threatened suicide. Having the thoughts in your head that your mom might die when you are 12 years old is ridiculous. Not to mention I already had the pictures of what that would look like since just weeks before my older sister had committed fake suicide with food coloring to play a prank on me when I got home. Walk in the door and see your sister "dead" on the floor with fake blood everywhere then 3 people pop out and laugh at you.

-Scars