View Full Version : The Normality of it all

10-15-10, 07:50 PM
I was originally going to post this in the "Medication and Spirituality" area, but maybe this is more suitable.

Well, I just want to say,
Ever since I started my medication (Vyvanse to be specific) for ADHD it feels like everything is gradually becoming better and better. But I must admit, in a way it is a slow and complex process.

At first I had doubts, about everything. Health - mentally and physically ( if you think about it, I guess that's all it is, just Health, you are the one who controls and changes no matter what. )

I have realized this before, but now it seems more evident, more pronounced to me. I have realized that in a way, nothing changes / yet it all does. What changes is the character and soul and world inside the body. Everything on the outside world remains the same.

I came to this realization one day when I was at school, nearing the end of the day.
That day I took my usual does of Vyvanse before I came to school. It wore off half way through the day and I became frustrated, I wanted to extend what I was feeling so I decided to drink a coffee, thinking by adding another stimulant maybe I can salvage whatever leftover Vyvanse was left.
It worked at first but as time passed I felt that I was becoming easily agitated and anxious, paranoid.
By now I was waiting in a long line up for some form I had to get. I was with a friend which I just met at the start of this school year, and I strongly wanted to make a good impression to them. ( After years of madness and dealing with ADHD, I figured now that this medication is helping I should try even harder to "change" myself to the "ideal" person I wanted to be, confident, outgoing, social.. etc. )

While waiting in the line I was becoming increasingly anxious and fidgety ( I am usually in more control with or without meds) but the caffeine seemed to be fighting me.
I kept telling myself " stay calm, everything is fine, nothing has changed".
Then I realized that that's what it was.
On the inside there was a war, madness, panic. Yet on the outside no one was the wiser. Everything was still the same.

This shocked me.
It felt like I had stumbled upon some sort of "duality". A trick of some sort.
I felt like I was in some sort of protective shell. The shell was my body, and I the mind/soul. ( You know that feeling you get when you wear lots of clothing in cold weather and you get that comfortable cozy feeling ? lol ). Well I felt something similar to this.

The panic, fear, terror and anxiety experienced is hidden from everyone else, even though it doesn't feel like this at the moment. But if you think about it, it is. You can "sit" in the inside of your mind and almost choose what to portray to the world, so to say.

I find it hard to explain this in words. ( emotions are... o so complex ).

Right now as I type I feel like I know what I am saying yet I have feelings of contradiction and uncertainty. Yet if I was talking to you about this it would almost not seem like I was uncertain and we would continue discussing ( or not ), but I would have chose my action, even though I had feelings of doubt.

What I'm trying to say is that, sometimes ( maybe always ? ), no matter what you do or say you do not have to show or represent what you feel on the inside. You have control.

Now I know this is almost common sense and something that we all know as a given. But it just seemed ( and still seems ) so profound for me.

Like I have a chance to change, because there is a "way".

Even now as the Vyvanse is wearing off, I begin to feel down and unfocused, but I say to myself " Nothing has changed, everything is still the same, the work I have to do hasn't become harder , people haven't become meaner or changed to fit the emotions I am feeling from the come down. Everything is the same." ( It's hard to accept but I try. )
Somehow I find some comfort in this.

Well , anyways. Feels like the more I type the more "nonsense" it becomes.