View Full Version : Been on Meds since April... diagnosed by GP, no psych's involved.


natg989
10-30-10, 07:50 AM
I'm 20 and in college and currently miserable. This semester was so easy for me that in the beginning I dropped out, well end of September. Adderall made paying attention easy, but too easy. I didn't like my major, I've never liked my school, so knowing that I wasn't actually unintelligent, just having AD/HD, I quit. I couldn't stand being the only one that answered questions in class, that raised my hand, that actually paid attention. I hate not having competition with my peers. Now I'm living with my roommates still, haven't told my dad and sister about withdrawing, am doing nothing, and rotting away in my bedroom.

I can't afford a psychologist/psychiatrist and every time I mention the word to my dad he freaks because he's the cheapest man alive and worries about his health insurance rising. I don't have any money, no motivation to get a job, no motivation to do anything really. I just want to successful, but I can't get there, I don't know how. I would maybe like to become a psychiatrist someday to help everyone on this forum and all the others in the world who have to live with this awful disorder.

I want to go to community college next semester and transfer to a more competitive university in the fall, the one I've always wanted to go to. My GPA is high enough to get in, and my student loans can pay... once I'm back in community college. I stay awake all night and sleep all day, waking up at 3 or four, and miss the opportunity to call my doctor, yet I never remember to. I've never actually called him before. Just seen him in person, but he's in another city hours away so it's too long of a drive. I don't know how to plan things anymore. I can't plan, for example anytime I know of a plan set up for me, like maybe going to a party, I sabotage myself by eating tons of junk food so I feel miserable and don't want to be seen in my clothes, even though I'm 100 lbs. Don't worry, I'm not anorexic, I'm 5'0 tall. I just used to be chubby.

My pharmacist messed up my prescription the other day and I had to fight my doctors office to get them to believe me, and then they did and I was given a new bottle. He did the math wrong and strongly apologized to me, the look in his eyes... like he had failed at life. Sad. There's so many things to discuss I don't even know where to begin. I know I've never been tested properly... by a psychologist, I mean. My family doc is brilliant, 1st in his class at Notre Dame, fantastic doctor, but doing ADD consults isn't the same as being an expert in AD/HD. It's 5:00 am and I can't sleep, but I'm feeling foggy. It's normal being up this late, I'm used to it, because I have nothing to do tomorrow besides go to a Halloween Party with some friends. I'm just very lost... what I want most in the world is to learn/increasing knowledge/become successful and thus happy, and so learning about AD/HD was the absolute worst news I've ever gotten in my life.

I mean I think I always knew... When I was 15 I couldn't pay attention to a class I KNEW I would love because the teacher was fascinating, World History, and so I google my symptoms. ADD it said. I begged my dad to find a psychologist to diagnose me. He found a cheaper one that gave me a 100 question personality test that I apparently "failed". I have no idea how that related to ADD, but he said I was depressed and should do therapy with him and take anti-depressants. I did therapy for a month, and then quit. He was kind, but useless. After that I gave up until this year when I couldn't make good grades anymore by memorizing the notes in my spiral.

There's so many things in life I could have been, could have done, could have seen, could have loved, could have liked, maybe, and even with the meds it's hard. You've all heard if before of course, one could argue I'm only 20, get over yourself. But I can't. I feel like I've become a narcissist. Anyway, I'm on 15 mg 3x a day. But lately it's been terrible. My best experience was on Sandoz, but they're impossible to find, so I just gave up. I have no help, and it seems like no one can help me. I have no money, and I don't want to go into too much debt, I'll already be in a ton from student loans. Corepharma was awful, I couldn't read for anything. I love reading, but I can never finish books. I get bored too easily or it's just too hard to focus.. apparently I have exophoric vision, which doesn't help with linear reading. So I end up doing all my reading online. I need to stop that, my eyes are going because of it. I have a prescription for glasses, but I haven't filled it yet. It will cost too much money. After my doctors office forgetting to mail me my script, I finally got it on Saturday and filled it on Monday. Had to meet my mom 1 hr 1/2 away to get it... then had the pharmacist mess up my quantity (Lovely, he did the math wrong and gave me less than what the script said), and now I'm on Barr 15 mg peach pills. They suck and take 1 hour to start working. I can't read or can hardly pay attention. I really need Sandoz, but I know they don't make 15 mg in generic. Does Sandoz have a name brand?

My roommates and I were watching "There's Something About Mary" earlier today, and I kept missing important details. Some might argue that I'm depressed, but I've been depressed before, and the right generic has changed that. My mood is down, I'm foggy, unmotivated, miserable more than ever before. My dad/sister don't really believe in ADD. My dad implied I'm a drug seeker when I called him the other day and complained about thinking the pharmacist messed up. Didn't think I could possibly be right, yet I was. After I proved it to him through text message he hasn't contacted me since. He rarely asks any questions about my life.

Some of y'all don't know how lucky you are to have a support system. I have no one that supports me, besides my doctor if I let him I suppose... but I don't tend to trust people that well until I really know them. I have a few good friends and a number of acquaintances, but nobody that can understand what I'm going through. They just tell me I'm really smart and can do anything. Yeah, right. I can only dream about doing anything. I'm afraid if I call my doctor he won't fill my script, and so I don't call him at all. I'm living in limbo... taking absolute zero action. It's very possible I have extreme AD/HD. I hate that I see the negative before the positive... it's just my personality. And the pills don't last that long, 3 hours tops, sometimes 2.5. I'm becoming more immune to them as time goes on. Getting these pills has been the best thing that's ever happened to me, that may seem dramatic, but it's true. It may seem sad, but I've led a very sad life. I've lived my life observing, watching, analyzing, but I don't take action unless I'm passionate about something, which can last for a long time, but it usually doesn't. However, I hate pity parties, so let's move on.

What should I do about seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist? My parents are very middle class economically, yet they will only pay for things they deem important. Maybe I'm just not taking a strong enough stance on this... I just get so worked up every time I have to argue about it... It seems like there isn't a point, that no one can help me. I've always done the important things on my own, I'm extremely independent.

I love this site because of the support and valuable information, but I don't lurk as much as I used to because all the negative chatter sucks away my soul. It depresses me too much. I used to read on here all the time, but lately I'm obsessed with intpcentral. That is irrelevant, but anyway I need to suck it up and confront my issues. I tend to deny how bad it really is... well, honestly, I don't pay attention to how bad it is. I block it from my mind and think of other things. And I don't like feeling sorry for myself. There's more to life than thinking "what could have been...", there's just no point thinking hypothetically. I live inside my head too much, I think too much, I care too much. Just wish I didn't. Most days I wish I had never learned of AD/HD. Because then I could sleep at night. And I didn't have to walk around with the knowledge that I could have been better than what I am.

Jesus, I'm a mess. I can't believe I wrote this babble. Oh well, I'm pressing the send button anyway.

kbomb
10-30-10, 12:13 PM
dont take this the wrong way, but i giggled like a child when I read your thread, ONLY because you remind me of myself so much though.
The last line was hysterical to me, "Jesus, Im a mess" is words I have repeated at least a thousand times:)

dont beat yourself up, its the adhd for sure. And it doesnt seem like your meds working for you AT ALL anymore.

You probably need an increased dose, or change meds.

Im on Adderall XR 30mg, just increased last week from 20mg XR.
Im not sure how long you have been on the 15mg, 3x a day, but usually us adders have to play around with the dosage until u find a good balance...

like i said yours just does not seem to be working for you. If you are seemingly lost and keep forgeting to even call your doc, then your adhd symptoms are definately not under control.

I say do whatever it takes to get your doc to either increase or switch your meds. Then hopefully when your symptoms are under control, you can focus on your future!

Best of luck
:)

ambyrle
10-30-10, 02:01 PM
i had the same reaction as kbomb, that with what you describe, whatever you're on right now isn't controlling your symptoms.

i know the future might seem hopeless, but think of how much better it is to know what the problem is when you're only 20! i was just diagnosed at 33. i spent 33 years wandering around not knowing what my problem was, not accomplishing anything besides having kids, and not feeling very successful at being a wife/mom. the diagnosis made me sad but also really happy: now i know what the problem is and what to do about it.

now i'm on adderall and about the happiest person around because of it. to have a quiet mind for the first time in 33 years? well, the first time the adderall kicked in, i started crying, it was such a relief.

i'm going to go to med school :) i think once you figure out your goal, and get on the right meds, you'll be unstoppable. two more things: most colleges offer free counseling and many communities have ADD support groups. if you want to tell me your location (PM is fine) i can look into the latter for you.

good luck!