View Full Version : Struggling Divorced Adult in New Jersey

05-23-04, 04:44 PM
I have not been diagnosed, but I have been wondering about this since I was divorced. I mentioned it to my marriage counselor and he told me, “Don’t be silly. You do not have ADD.”

This was years ago, and I am not any different. I blamed my wife for the cause of my excessive worrying and gloomy outlook.

I have had so many girlfriends (all very good people), many jobs (all good ones for my age at the time) have done very well in school (good grades), excelled in sports, have been outgoing, and have a good sense of humor, and have been well liked, usually.

Yet throughout my life, some things have always been consistent: I cannot plan; I react, act, or respond and then think. I have lived in the moment and have very little to show for my efforts, and I always considered myself a classic under-achiever. I thought I was immature. It's not like I'm looking for excuses: it's just that I have no peace of mind, I'm always starting and never finishing, I always going somewhere, but I never get to where I'm going--like being on a treadmill!

I could never RELAX, do not enjoy achieving because I feel I am not where I should be. I am always late and feel under-prepared. I cannot give reasons why I gave up on jobs or women. Do not have fixed routines, just do on an as-needed basis. I am quick on feet, so I cover up the fact that I am not well prepared or late for something because I felt I could squeeze something into the schedule before my meeting. I rarely keep doctor’s appointments because I forget and do not remember making an appointment 1-3 weeks ago. The slightest things have always caused me to digress or veer from my daily goals.

I have always been told:

"We talk to you and you don't listen, that's your most annoying quality!”

“Where were you! I’ve been worried sick about you!”

Boy, "You are always involved in something new."

"You sure are a slob."

"You have all this unopened mail."

"Why don't you finish something before starting something else?"

"You sure have gotten a lot done in your new house."

"You don't even know what you have in your house, do you?"

The list goes on.

I read the other members’ letters and I wonder if I am like them or just looking for an excuse or rationalizing my under achievement because I am lazy and do not follow through on anything.

Or is it something that I do not know how to control? Or something I can’t control?

I want answers. I want to be at peace and to meet my oppressor and liberate myself!

I have taken several tests on the internet and they have told me to run, do not walk to be evaluated. (If the score is 30 to be concerned about, I've scored about a 60!) I want to take the next step but do not know where to go.

Do you know of a doctor in the New Jersey area? Morristown area perhaps?

I would appreciate your help!



06-24-04, 01:31 PM
I have had so many girlfriends (all very good people), many jobs (all good ones for my age at the time) have done very well in school (good grades), excelled in sports, have been outgoing, and have a good sense of humor, and have been well liked, usually.

Boy, it must really suck to be you! :D

Seriously, though, I can sympathize. I, too, have struggled all my life with the feeling that what I want is out there, just barely out of reach, and never understood why I can't just reach out and grab it. Other people can, just not me. Although I have never been formally diagnosed (my appointment is on Monday, after a loooong 3-month wait), I now understand what the problem is.

Since this is a career thread, the job I've had in the past that I was best/happiest at was archeologist. ADD was a benefit, as long as I was out in the field, but in the office it spelled my doom. Now I can't get a job around here if I begged on my knees, and I'm not really in a position to travel around from project to project. Also, the field is getting increasingly specialized, and I'm a jack of all trades, etc.

Good luck in finding somebody in your area--there is a forum here devoted to local support, and there might be some useful info there!

06-25-04, 10:45 PM
Stranger, I thought you were someone who didn't want to be identified, but it just dawned on me that is your name on the site, remember seeing it.

I'm reading a good read, "You mean I'm not lazy, stupid, or crazy" is the title by two doctors who claim to be ADDers themselves: kate shelly & peggy ramundo.

I always thought that I was immature, and that I secretly liked/loved the fast lane and good-looking “hotties.” I always liked/loved walking out with one, and I usually would.
As I read about ADD symptoms, I learn that ADD folk are thrill seekers. Guess what my thrill is? I’ve also learned that ADDers can easily fall prey to addictions. And I have been known to fall in love with hobbies just to drop them as quickly as I took the plunge.

Stranger, I wish you luck, and offer an ear to listen and converse about our issues.

I too am going for an eval in about 2 months, but I’m also impulsive, and if the impulse goes away, I won’t be going any time soon. I need a good doctor or therapist and they take time.

I’m in NJ, where are you? I love this about the internet: meeting people all over for cheap.

Hang in there and as I said you can write me again anytime.
Get the book—It’s worth it!! And let me know if you see yourself somewhere in the book. The better informed you are for your visit, the greater the likelihood that you’ll learn to be your own therapist. Basically, that’s what we’ll have to do: go to group meetings and see professionals “when we can’t get over a hump here and there.”

Olin in NJ

Way Too Flighty
04-25-05, 06:57 PM
Olin, you definitely do have ADD. Yes, run to go get evaluated. Also, when you look for professional help, don't think you can just pop a pill and all will be better. You are more than your neurology, and you will probably need to deal with this on a psychological level too, as well as re-learn habits. I can't give you all the answers, because I am just now at the place where I am figuring out what I need too. There are many books on ADD, surf around, or go to the Borders or Barnes and Noble (you are in NJ, man, the nearest Borders or B&N can't be more than 4 miles away, unless you are in the southernmost counties!! ;) ) and pick up say 10 or so books.

I am in NJ too. I just started a thread in the NJ folder asking what professional help people have found in NJ that is good. Let me know what you find. Also, what part of NJ are you in?

Good luck to you!