First time using this medium for help. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we have a beautiful 10month old son! Craig has just been diagnosed with ADD, and was supposed to start strattera today, but he has refused. He's feeling a bit sick. He has a court issue coming up Monday the 9th, and his normal routine prior to intense situations is to mope, complain he can't sleep then sleep all day, too sick to work, just plain lazy when it comes to helping about the house (if he drops the baby bottle cap, why can't he pick it up?). Ugh, he's just being a jerk. How long should I continue trying to get him help? I'm worried he'll get his rage fits again, I guess it's 911 then. I'm just so frustrated. I'm tired of crying and feeling like I have to tip-toe around him so he doesn't explode. As much as he deserves to be happy, so do I and my baby.
:eek: I want to scream. Why can't put his feet into my shoes? :mad: I think I'm venting a little, to hopefully some people who can relate. What's the best advice for dealing with a husband with add?

Are you brave enough to have him read the above post?

I'm anticipating a "no" to that, this should be a place where you can come to speak freely.

In the end though, communication is what works on me. What works better (although I completely agree you should NOT have to do this) is firm but polite communication--criticism is allowed, as long as it is honest, polite, and preferably constructive; personal attacks and frustration are a problem.

If you can't communicate with your husband, you have a problem. :(

How long? However long it takes, if that’s what you signed on for.

It’s probably not really that bad.
It’s probably worse than you think.
Welcome to the wonderful world of ADD.

Part of the problem is that the rules are all wrong. There are a million reasons for not picking up the bottle cap, and they all make perfect sense, probably even to you. Doesn’t help at all, does it?

Doesn’t help us, either.

Kay and I have a pet name for one particular ADD trait: KevinReed. It’s our name for an idealized child that constantly shoots himself in the foot. (Yes, there was a real life model.)

He can’t get out of the way of his own stubbornness, and the thing is, he’s always right. That’s the root of a lot of our ADDer attitudes. We’re right, but it doesn’t matter. We still get stiffed, because they’re not wrong, either.

(Which means you’re not wrong. Take heart and have patience. Be benevolent, and to yourself, too.)

With a name for it, we find it easier to let it go, and control the associated behaviors. We say things like, “Sorry, that was my KevinReed,” or, “I let my KevinReed get me.” It really helps.

But that’s the world of ADD, too; your husband is bound to have a lifetime of this sort of thing built up, and dealing with the baggage is a big part of the whole thing.

We think that’s one reason that there are two classes of drugs used, stimulants and antidepressants. If we have more trouble with the emotional effects of a lifetime of unfair treatment, then the antidepressants can work wonders by letting us function again. That breaks the depression loop.

But if we’re fixed in place by our own internal fire, or can’t sit still enough to get anything done (for the same reason), stimulants seem to help. And sometimes a combination could be good, too.

It helps if there’s a reason to take the meds, and we use this: they’re stealth drugs. They let us move among the normals without setting off their alarms (AhOOGah! Not normal!! Attack!)

The idea (perfectly valid) that the drugs keep others from attacking us makes taking them much more delicious. It’s almost exactly what they deserve, to be controlled indirectly against their will by a drug I take. What fun, eh?

And we deserve a little fun, really, we do. See if your husband doesn’t maybe agree.

Let us know how it all works. We’re here for you both.

And good luck.

Stabile said a lot there that makes a lot of sence to me as another ADDer ....

I will answer in a more direct sence

I could have been your Husband as you have explained him ..... scary Huh !!!!

Then I discovered the ADD Forums and learned there are a lot of people like me and through over a years worth of participation in the Fourms , I can really say I have come a long , long way ......

________________________________________________

As I am very lazy when it comes to typing so I have created a welcome page and ADDed a link here to get you there

My Welcome Page (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=3345)

Garry
________________________________________________

In paticular read the page from Dr Hallowell about what its like to have ADD

Here is a direct Link to it

What it is like to have ADD (http://www3.sympatico.ca/garrylawton/ADD/What.htm)

Yeah. What Garry said. Tell your husband we'll wait for him here. (grin...)

Some ADHD people do have a tendency of always blaming someone else for their problems and the reason I am saying this is because of how you titled your post!

I have never married and I am not really good on the relationship issues of ADHD. However, one thing I will suggest to you is that there is a book called "ADD and Romance-Finding Fulfillment In Love, Sex, and Relationships". It is written by Jonathan Scott Halverstadt, M.S.

I am in the process of reading the book right now. Not only is it about relationships but I have learned alot more about ADHD that I did not know before.

The book is good for couples with one partner that is ADHD, both partners are ADHD and in my opinion even for couples who are not ADHD. Hopefully, you can get him to read it as well.

Some ADHD people do have a tendency of always blaming someone else for their problems

Sherry

Me thinks getting him here be a good Idea..as far as the fits of rage,.....how bad does it get? I hope I not sound like I am prying.

Thank you for all of your feedback. When I logged back into the forum to check replies, I realized I was in the wrong spot. I'm sorry. After this response I'll pop over to the spouse non add spot. I'd love to get him to read, he just doesn't read, not even to his son. He still refuses to take the strattera samples the Doc gave him. It's like he doesn't want to help himself. On forums, he dislikes it (putting it mildly) very much when I reach out for help. Getting him to check this forum out, I have no idea how I would do that. He thinks it makes things worse, denial? This is new to me. Honestly, I taught special ed, specifically ADD/ADHD K-2 about 10 years ago, but I don't wnt to compare the children to adults, soooo different. If I don't know about something, I learn and search for the understanding. I wish he could do that.

His first Doc diagnosed him as bipolar. This is his second doc who thinks ADD.

Can you tell me if some of these things that I see are indicative of ADD?
suicidal thoughts
fits of rage (wholes in walls, stuff thrown at me (like his first meds when I asked if he was taking them)
hiding in the guest room, sulking, I call it cacooning himself so he doesn't have to deal with me or baby.
not willing to talk to me: in order to get an answer, I have to formally address him.
short fuse
feeling that everyone is out to get him, paranoid
sometimes I do think, gosh a 10 year old acts more mature than him, is that common?

I'm getting to the point that I'm going to burst. I'd rather him the heck out of my life than live like this, that breaks my heart. I think for my sanity, I'm gonna see Doc. Maybe I should to help deal with this. I'm so sad but according to him, I have no reason to be. He doesn't do anything wrong, is this denial? How should I deal with his mood? Just leave him alone and pretend he's not there? UGH

Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad there are forums out there to help people connect that are dealing with emotional issues. Jess

Can you tell me if some of these things that I see are indicative of ADD?

…(list of ADD behaviors)…

sometimes I do think, gosh a 10 year old acts more mature than him, is that common?


I like Kay’s answer better than mine. She started to laugh and said, “YES! YESYESYES!!”

Here is mine. Prepare to yawn…

We’re here for you. Don’t worry about the forum being wrong; I’m not sure it is.

All those things sound like ADD, or ADD related, from living with the stress of having people pick us out as different.

Kay has several basic principles, and her first rule is this: be benevolent, especially to yourself. That applies to everyone, not just ADDers.

Her second rule is, we’re never more dangerous than when we think it’s OK to beat ourselves up. Your husband sounds like he’s about had enough of being beat up by himself.

There’s lots of stuff about co-morbidity around, like bipolar and ADD co-existing. But Kay and I think the whole issue is much simpler. We think that there’s a small change in everyone’s brain chemistry – we’re changing as a species, and in some people, the effect goes one way, and in others, it’s different.

We’ve all been exactly where you are, and you sure do have a reason to be sad. Maybe the simplest reason is you miss your friend. And what Kay and I hear in the things you’ve mentioned, even the violent stuff, is that he’s crying out.

A person that isn’t diagnosed until late in adulthood has a typical profile that can include many problems you don’t mention, like alcoholism, drug addiction, homelessness, and so on. But I personally think the worst effect is how we slowly crumble inside for years while we’re wearing down.

I don’t know how old your husband is, but the pattern for undiagnosed males is to hit your 30’s or early 40’s and watch your life blow up. (Undiagnosed women often blow up, too, but even later.) Like I said, usually there are years of sliding downhill leading up to it, and maybe that’s the process you’re describing.

But please, please, don’t give up. Not yet. Your husband wants to get out of this, and you will both have to learn much about yourselves and especially how you deal (not so well, at first) with very strong emotions.

I’m speaking from our personal experience, but I think most will echo it in one way or another. This is hard, but it’s rewarding, and the things you will be exploring are in you, husband and problems or not. You might as well learn about yourselves now, yes?

I don’t know how to tell you to reach your husband, but I think I could, and Kay has the same feeling. I’m sure the others here do, too. What I would do is approach him and be perfectly honest, so I need to be sure what I think I’m trying to say before I start. And then I would follow my heart.

If you re-read you own posts, you’ll see that what you want is to reach him. Not blame him for anything that happened, or ask him to apologize, or explain, or anything to do with the past at all. No matter how hurtful or recent it is.

If you two are like Kay and me, you both desperately need to connect again. And the minute you do you’ll both feel a thousand times better.

It’s the same thing Kay or any of us would do, I think, only you’re the one that’s there with the credentials and the right to approach him. So, it up to you, and I guess that’s why you’re here, too.

We know you can get through to him, if you can keep your own heart pure. It’s hard, I know, but for the moment of the effort you have to suspend any feelings of fairness or anything else (like frustration) that would open a distance between you in your mind.

No matter how he responds, you have to remember that your goal is to reach him, and you can’t really care if you have to do all the work. It just can’t enter into the equation while you’re reaching out to him.

Let everything roll off your back, and if you have barriers or walls or an emotional distance built up, bring them down before you go to speak to him.

Be formal, think of your own heart, and keep it in plain view while you appeal to him to respond. Find the place in your heart that you went to when you first met, every time you thought of meeting for a date or whatever; that excitement we all still have, if we look in the right place.

That’s the place to keep yourself while you approach him, in our opinion, because it has all the things that you both felt made being close worth more than anything else in the universe.

It’s still in there, in both of you, judging by what you’ve written. If he’s really OK behind the walls he’s built, then you’ll be able to get through.

You might have to make the effort several times. But we think you’ll see a response right away that will convince you, one way or the other, about the appropriateness of what you’re trying to do.

And from both of us, good luck. –Tom and Kay

Can you tell me if some of these things that I see are indicative of ADD?
suicidal thoughts
fits of rage (wholes in walls, stuff thrown at me (like his first meds when I asked if he was taking them)
hiding in the guest room, sulking, I call it cacooning himself so he doesn't have to deal with me or baby.
not willing to talk to me: in order to get an answer, I have to formally address him.
short fuse
feeling that everyone is out to get him, paranoid
sometimes I do think, gosh a 10 year old acts more mature than him, is that common?



Jess, I am myself Bipolar and ADHD. Lots of what you describes sounds a lot like me...I even had suicidal thoughts the other night, and I do shut myself off from people except online cause I am not face to face wth me and I think everyone is against me and everyone just doesn't understand and thinks I am a freak and all that.....I am thinking maybe he has a combination of both and believe me I know how hard it is to deal with me,..so I can imagine how hard it is for you....Only though I am not violent to others even though I was at a time. When I was young. (sound Familiar) Believe me I do not like being this way but I have come to realization that I have and illness and it is hard to control at times..some people don't get that unfortunatley.

Only ones who are understanding to me and realize that I have a problem are the ones who can deal with me...takes patience, love, understanding..etc...mostly my are my mother and my online friends have these qualities and I have a feeling you do to:). Maybe try to find out what it is like for both ADHD & Bipolar to maybe help understand...are u guys in Marriage counciling...If u mentioned before I appologize..readin comp not so good..heh. Hugs and Take care.