CJBBBBB
11-29-10, 11:45 AM
**I'm posting this here to get general advice, some support, and/or suggestions. 'Cause ****'s weak right now.*
I thought I’d type this out because I find I have a hard time discussing serious matters because I start worrying about feeling impolite or ridiculous.
ffice:office" /><O:p></O:p>
Basically, the past four or five months have been very hard. Money issues, my breakup, exhaustion for the service industry, and the many stresses of my fifth year of college are what I’ve been blaming for the fact that I find everything in life: uninteresting, a waste of time, boring, and stupid.
<O:p></O:p>
I always think about all the drugs I’m taking right away as soon as I accept that I’m “having a horrible day.” Essentially, I’ve been taking 60/mg of Adderall for at least a year now. The fact is, tolerance has gotten worse and worse with it just as it has with every dose. This time, it’s bad because it’s a relatively high dose, and anxiety has formed and flourished.
<O:p></O:p>
This is how my days can go now: I can take 30 mg in the morning, and another at work. My first class is at 9 am, so I take it at 8:30. I’ll be moderately focused through my first class at 9, and now, by 10:15, I want to say “to hell with it” and go home because my 11:00 class and/or homework sound terrible. I can take another at work- and if I take it at the perfect time before dinner starts (i.e. 5:30), I can stay focused in the dining room during the busiest time (until 7:30), and a little focused after until I go home.
<O:p></O:p>
After work, more stressing about how behind in everything I am. One of those nights I posted to an ADHD forum and asked about my issues. One person said to kick back tolerance and take a “Drug Holiday” in which I take a different kind of ADHD medicine so approximate targets can regain their natural endurance, or something. So, I contacted my Aunt and suggested this to her. She said she more than enough Concerta for me to take for a month. So I tried it..
<O:p></O:p>
I also tried smoking no pot. No Adderall or pot for at least a month. One of the 54 m.g. Concerta X-Rs did little to nothing. Two did something. Two plus an Adderall was almost normal. I spent a month taking as little Adderall as possible… and not only was it unproductive; I went through a LOT of depression and anxiety and got behind in class. The next month, I got a new bottle of Adderall. Two days into two/days with those and I can already tell tolerance has diminished little to none L
<O:p></O:p>
As far as my restless legs, Mirapex is not good to me. Sorry to say, and I gave it a shot- I took a whole bottle. If I take it 2-3 hours before bed, my legs are less restless BUT I can’t sleep. Insomnia worsens my anxiety, badly. So I take a Sleep Aid. After two months of this I’m nervous I’ve developed an OTC Sleep Aid addiction because if I don’ t take those or smoke pot, I’m not getting a decent night of sleep.
<O:p></O:p>
At this point, I’ve realized I’ve got to go above this “max dose”, and I’ve got to be prescribed a Benzodiazepine. I fought with that idea when you discouraged it, and tried to “move backward instead of forward” to help me “come back down to earth,” and it really messed up my life. It worsened my depression and anxiety, made me less productive, and very impolite. I’m trying to dig out of the trouble i've caused but I’m dealing with the original tolerance, so it’s happening really slowly.
<O:p></O:p>
I’ll be honest, in order for me to have a good day, it’s requires 2 doses of 2 30mg tablets a day. I've done a lot of reading on forums, they say that 60mg is the max reqired for children and there are people who take 120, up to 200mg a day. In order for me to have a good night, it takes 1 MG of Klonopin or 0.5 mg of Xanax. If I don’t take Adderall, the entire DAY is lazy- I only want to get off the couch to get something out of the fridge that requires no cooking. Of those, the latter makes me forget everything I learned that day, so it defeats the purpose… so I don’t know what to suggest there aside from Klonopin. I don’t know about Lexapro. I think I need to try something different than SSRI because I ran out of Lexapro/money once and noticed little difference. Lexapro doesn't help with my anxiety or insomnia... I'd say the noteable difference even with 20 mg is that as I wake up, I'm not angry about it. :)
I’m also wondering if I need to take a mood stabilizer, because my moods definitely aren’t stable. I’ve said horrible things to many friends, even my mother, because I’m so unmotivated and so stressed, which makes me angry. At least once a week, I start crying and can’t stop, and say things I know I don't maen.
<O:p></O:p>
This is my last year of college and I feel like if something doesn’t change I might not make it. I’m really behind in a lot of big classes and lessons, and I can’t let my GPA drop. I’ve got a new, good job but if I don’t have plenty of meds to take while there, I’m not gonna perform anything like I need to, or treat employees and guests like I need to. I’ve never liked the idea of being heavily medicated, but the fact is my mother has all these disorders and so does most of my family. I can no longer go thinking I’m better than these medications and can just play the game of life on my intelligence. I’m writing this because I took my whole 60mg this morning and did nothing except wake up a little. I’ve been getting plenty of sleep, eating pretty well, and not doing any illegal drugs… and I’m still not where I need to be.
<O:p></O:p>
Having tried and researched Klonopin and Xanax I’m aware of the potential for tolerance and dependence, but know I’m at a part of my life I’m doing a lot of things I don’t love. I’m confident I won’t need as much when I’m done with school, teaching and performing… and not taking classes I don’t care about or working at a restaurant when I’m so sick of the food. But without my meds, right now, I can’t get passionate about anything. Not even sleep. I think this is what’s necessary now. Let me know what I have to do.
I thought I’d type this out because I find I have a hard time discussing serious matters because I start worrying about feeling impolite or ridiculous.
ffice:office" /><O:p></O:p>
Basically, the past four or five months have been very hard. Money issues, my breakup, exhaustion for the service industry, and the many stresses of my fifth year of college are what I’ve been blaming for the fact that I find everything in life: uninteresting, a waste of time, boring, and stupid.
<O:p></O:p>
I always think about all the drugs I’m taking right away as soon as I accept that I’m “having a horrible day.” Essentially, I’ve been taking 60/mg of Adderall for at least a year now. The fact is, tolerance has gotten worse and worse with it just as it has with every dose. This time, it’s bad because it’s a relatively high dose, and anxiety has formed and flourished.
<O:p></O:p>
This is how my days can go now: I can take 30 mg in the morning, and another at work. My first class is at 9 am, so I take it at 8:30. I’ll be moderately focused through my first class at 9, and now, by 10:15, I want to say “to hell with it” and go home because my 11:00 class and/or homework sound terrible. I can take another at work- and if I take it at the perfect time before dinner starts (i.e. 5:30), I can stay focused in the dining room during the busiest time (until 7:30), and a little focused after until I go home.
<O:p></O:p>
After work, more stressing about how behind in everything I am. One of those nights I posted to an ADHD forum and asked about my issues. One person said to kick back tolerance and take a “Drug Holiday” in which I take a different kind of ADHD medicine so approximate targets can regain their natural endurance, or something. So, I contacted my Aunt and suggested this to her. She said she more than enough Concerta for me to take for a month. So I tried it..
<O:p></O:p>
I also tried smoking no pot. No Adderall or pot for at least a month. One of the 54 m.g. Concerta X-Rs did little to nothing. Two did something. Two plus an Adderall was almost normal. I spent a month taking as little Adderall as possible… and not only was it unproductive; I went through a LOT of depression and anxiety and got behind in class. The next month, I got a new bottle of Adderall. Two days into two/days with those and I can already tell tolerance has diminished little to none L
<O:p></O:p>
As far as my restless legs, Mirapex is not good to me. Sorry to say, and I gave it a shot- I took a whole bottle. If I take it 2-3 hours before bed, my legs are less restless BUT I can’t sleep. Insomnia worsens my anxiety, badly. So I take a Sleep Aid. After two months of this I’m nervous I’ve developed an OTC Sleep Aid addiction because if I don’ t take those or smoke pot, I’m not getting a decent night of sleep.
<O:p></O:p>
At this point, I’ve realized I’ve got to go above this “max dose”, and I’ve got to be prescribed a Benzodiazepine. I fought with that idea when you discouraged it, and tried to “move backward instead of forward” to help me “come back down to earth,” and it really messed up my life. It worsened my depression and anxiety, made me less productive, and very impolite. I’m trying to dig out of the trouble i've caused but I’m dealing with the original tolerance, so it’s happening really slowly.
<O:p></O:p>
I’ll be honest, in order for me to have a good day, it’s requires 2 doses of 2 30mg tablets a day. I've done a lot of reading on forums, they say that 60mg is the max reqired for children and there are people who take 120, up to 200mg a day. In order for me to have a good night, it takes 1 MG of Klonopin or 0.5 mg of Xanax. If I don’t take Adderall, the entire DAY is lazy- I only want to get off the couch to get something out of the fridge that requires no cooking. Of those, the latter makes me forget everything I learned that day, so it defeats the purpose… so I don’t know what to suggest there aside from Klonopin. I don’t know about Lexapro. I think I need to try something different than SSRI because I ran out of Lexapro/money once and noticed little difference. Lexapro doesn't help with my anxiety or insomnia... I'd say the noteable difference even with 20 mg is that as I wake up, I'm not angry about it. :)
I’m also wondering if I need to take a mood stabilizer, because my moods definitely aren’t stable. I’ve said horrible things to many friends, even my mother, because I’m so unmotivated and so stressed, which makes me angry. At least once a week, I start crying and can’t stop, and say things I know I don't maen.
<O:p></O:p>
This is my last year of college and I feel like if something doesn’t change I might not make it. I’m really behind in a lot of big classes and lessons, and I can’t let my GPA drop. I’ve got a new, good job but if I don’t have plenty of meds to take while there, I’m not gonna perform anything like I need to, or treat employees and guests like I need to. I’ve never liked the idea of being heavily medicated, but the fact is my mother has all these disorders and so does most of my family. I can no longer go thinking I’m better than these medications and can just play the game of life on my intelligence. I’m writing this because I took my whole 60mg this morning and did nothing except wake up a little. I’ve been getting plenty of sleep, eating pretty well, and not doing any illegal drugs… and I’m still not where I need to be.
<O:p></O:p>
Having tried and researched Klonopin and Xanax I’m aware of the potential for tolerance and dependence, but know I’m at a part of my life I’m doing a lot of things I don’t love. I’m confident I won’t need as much when I’m done with school, teaching and performing… and not taking classes I don’t care about or working at a restaurant when I’m so sick of the food. But without my meds, right now, I can’t get passionate about anything. Not even sleep. I think this is what’s necessary now. Let me know what I have to do.