View Full Version : Boyfriend issues - doesn't understand ADHD


Spaced_In
12-16-10, 11:22 PM
Hey, was just wondering if I could get some advice on a problem that I've been having with my boyfriend recently.

So anyways what happened was that i tried to explain what it's like having ADHD to him and he didn't really want to accept to what i had to say about it. one of his cousins has ADHD and my boyfriend said to me why does it affect you so much, my cousin has it and he's fine. that made me really angry when he said that coz it affects everyone differently. so i was telling him stuff about it like, saying things before you think that you shouldn't really say, hyperactivity etc and he just responded with that 'normal' people do that all the time, say things without thinking, be inattentive a lot and then started saying stuff like how one of his mates says things without thinking all the time, which is why they all hate him and stuff. Then he tried to tell me that i'm not that different to normal people, That made me really angry because having ADHD makes me a lot different to normal people plus the fact that i have to take 1820 pills a year to function like a semi-normal person, does not make me normal. i told him that to, (this argument was via text messages as well) he didn't even say anything bout it and pretty much kept insisting that im not that different to normal people. i ended up getting really stroppy with him.

next day i told him that i had a theory that he's not normal coz i've never met anyone who is so insistent that im not that different to normal people. (the day before he told me that he says things without thinking all the time and daydreams a lot and has trouble keeping friends a lot, which is a problem i have too)

so i told him my theory and he got really annoyed with me for saying that. (i don't think he is normal coz of other little things and his dad has a train set, which isn't something normal parents generally have) and so i kept asking him questions to try and work out if hes not and he got really angry with me bout it.

And i kept trying to explain to him what it's like having ADHD coz it was really annoying me that he keeps insisting that im not that different to normal people. iv also said a few things about people that i think have ADHD and he kept getting really annoyed with me and insists that not everybody has something wrong with them, they're just different. that made me really angry coz i can most of the time tell when someone is not normal and he cant.

so its just making me really angry that he doesn't respect that i have ADHD and it's what makes me who i am and i dont really know what to do.

and last thing, he didn't get me a christmas present yet coz im going on holiday for a couple of weeks and a wanted to see him at work on the last day that i would be at home so that i could give him his christmas present and say bye, but he told me that we should just do the presents when i get back because he hasn't got one for me yet. im really annoyed that i went to all the effort for him and he couldn't be bothered to get even a card for me and i thought he actually cared about me before, now im starting to think not.

Driver
12-17-10, 12:07 AM
Pardon me for being blunt and using a generalisation, but young males are pretty stupid and lacking in empathy.

He's young and immature, he doesn't appear to have the capacity to understand.

Also, my spider senses are tingling and I think he might be ADD too.

RedHairedWitch
12-17-10, 12:54 AM
I agree with what Driver says ... also Dads with train sets are pretty normal, old fashioned, but normal.

itsanADHDthing
12-19-10, 09:11 PM
Pardon me for being blunt and using a generalisation, but young males are pretty stupid and lacking in empathy.

He's young and immature, he doesn't appear to have the capacity to understand.

Also, my spider senses are tingling and I think he might be ADD too.

I'm 16.
I'm male.
I'm empathetic.
Very.

Driver
12-19-10, 09:44 PM
I'm 16.
I'm male.
I'm empathetic.
Very.

I was employing a generalisation, not a rule.

Djo77
12-31-10, 01:12 AM
I'm 16.
I'm male.
I'm empathetic.
Very.

I have a hard time being empathic but with meds (for ADD) its a lot better does anyone see a connection?

Djo77
12-31-10, 01:27 AM
@Spaced In
It is very annoying yes among with the fact. That even if they acknowledge you have ADD /ADHD, they often dont know what it is. They probably know a couple symptoms yes, what they don't know is that it involves a lot more than simply attention and hyperactivity problems. It is looked upon as a very mild disorder. ADHD involves an inability to regulate your own actions and thoughts, it is an inabillity to naturally think of the future, and realize what lays ahead if we dont do this or that till the deadline comes really close. It is an innability to stop doing, that intresting thing, say we will after just this game / episode / article / whatever and then get so sucked into thadt activity, called hyperfocus that we forget about what we're doing at all. It makes it a lot harder to sleep enough and sleep is.VERY important, and especially with ADD. ADD and sleep.deprivation and it costs you six whole hours to get out of your house. If you tell him this perhaps he will understand it a little better.
I reconmend you watch dr russel to get a better understanding yourself. Watch the whole thing if you like, but you could also watch all those 2-6 min. Vids which have a lot of information, instead of the whole lecture. It is on youtube. Show about 5 of these clips to your bf and if he has ADD himself he will probably find out right there :p

dancinonwater
12-31-10, 04:04 AM
i know how you feel... i know plenty of people that are this way as well. what i would just tell him is some thing along the lines of, "It's true, most people are forgetful and spacy and imulsive sometimes, but when you have ADHD, the part of your brain that controls that stuff doesnt work as well as most people, so those little problems everyone has are magnified greatly." you could also tell him to look up ADHD, and say that ADHD is one of the most difficult illnesses to treat becouse everyone is so different. it's not a typical ailment like a heart condition or the flu, it is litterally a difference in the chemicals our brains produce. i'm so sorry he's giving you a hard time. i just got diagnosed a few months ago, but i'm reluctant to tell my family because they can be critical and are sticklers for their oppinions. i just don't want that to happen with them!

well, good luck, i hope i helped!


P.S. don't use the word normal in your conversation. normal means nothing! Neuro Typical has meaning, normal, not so much. Also, don't get into a fight about how not normal he is! that is not at all what this is about! you are just being ADHD impulsive by bringing his dad's train set into this. it's really silly if you think about it. again, i would focus on the difference of a Neuro Typical person and a person with ADHD, because everyone has quirks, you just need for him to understand that yours are clinical.

daveddd
12-31-10, 11:34 AM
the worst part of adhd is the name , if it wasnt for the stupid name we all would have a lot less grief about it

Jester
01-01-11, 03:37 AM
[...]
next day i told him that i had a theory that he's not normal coz i've never met anyone who is so insistent that im not that different to normal people. (the day before he told me that he says things without thinking all the time and daydreams a lot and has trouble keeping friends a lot, which is a problem i have too)



I stopped reading :\

Do low profile when it comes to your diagnosis and medication. Only your parents should know about it. Only bad things arise if you tell others about your ADD/ADHD. Nothing good can ever arise from it (I talk from personal experience lol). Don't talk about it to anyone and make sure you don't let anyone see you taking pills at school. If someone asks, the best answer is ''it's none of your concern''.

You should listen to your boyfriend. Take it as a compliment that he thinks your normal and move on with life. He's a bit of a jerk for not having, or at least not faking compassion and understanding towards your adhd cause. People aren't perfect or maybe you don't know him enough for him to care that much.

Spaced_In
01-02-11, 06:27 AM
thanks for the responses. It doesn't really matter anymore because i decided to break up with him coz he wasn't letting me have my own opinion especially things concerning my life and sending abusive text messages

rogerdodger91
01-09-11, 03:18 AM
Thats probably the best thing for you to do. You shouldnt be with someone who isnt supportive of your struggle and shows obsessive traits.

Now here is a few points that i feel you should address about your life. I suggest that you research a bit more into your disorder so you can better describe whats the difference between you and non adhd people, because while everyone shows inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness at some point its not as frequent as adhd minded people in other words all day every day. Also start trying to find new medication that works more effectively at suppressing your symptoms if they are still effecting you while medicated.

The biggest problem i find in people with adhd is blaming everything on the ADHD. You need to understand that while you struggle more than people without adhd in almost all aspects of your life, trying to blame all of your problems on your disorder will only dismiss the self discipline you are supposed to gain from your struggles that adds motivation to your life. Its like a kid who stops trying in school because he says he is stupid and its pointless. Its not pointless, you just have to try much harder. You should not ever have to find yourself in a discussion discussing why adhd controls your life from you being able to function like a normal human being. It only controls your life if you let it and dont find help and ways to compensate the way you think to ease the symptoms. You also need to understand that there are alot of people who dont think ADHD exists. They think you are lazy and you are making excuses. You will never change these peoples minds because they cant conceive a mind thats different than theirs. Like jester said, and i cant believe im agreeing with him, its best to not tell people you have ADHD unless its absolutely necessary. It will only make people look down on you.

tudorose
01-09-11, 08:24 AM
Thats probably the best thing for you to do. You shouldnt be with someone who isnt supportive of your struggle and shows obsessive traits.

Now here is a few points that i feel you should address about your life. I suggest that you research a bit more into your disorder so you can better describe whats the difference between you and non adhd people, because while everyone shows inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness at some point its not as frequent as adhd minded people in other words all day every day. Also start trying to find new medication that works more effectively at suppressing your symptoms if they are still effecting you while medicated.

The biggest problem i find in people with adhd is blaming everything on the ADHD. You need to understand that while you struggle more than people without adhd in almost all aspects of your life, trying to blame all of your problems on your disorder will only dismiss the self discipline you are supposed to gain from your struggles that adds motivation to your life. Its like a kid who stops trying in school because he says he is stupid and its pointless. Its not pointless, you just have to try much harder. You should not ever have to find yourself in a discussion discussing why adhd controls your life from you being able to function like a normal human being. It only controls your life if you let it and dont find help and ways to compensate the way you think to ease the symptoms. You also need to understand that there are alot of people who dont think ADHD exists. They think you are lazy and you are making excuses. You will never change these peoples minds because they cant conceive a mind thats different than theirs. Like jester said, and i cant believe im agreeing with him, its best to not tell people you have ADHD unless its absolutely necessary. It will only make people look down on you.


ADHD doesn't control her life and she never uses it as an excuse. All she was trying to do was explain why she acts a bit strangely sometime and he just went off at her.

Spaced_In has been taking responsibility for here ADHD since she was 7 years old and she does really well. Sometimes though her brain misfires and she finds it hard to say what she means. I think that's what happened here. The way she wrote this doesn't really reflect the situation accurately. She was very confused at the time.

She really thought he would understand but she's since found out from talking to other people that this jerk doesn't understand and won't tolerate discussion about anyone's struggles (told a friend that her bipolar was 'normal' too).

gbobbyjones
02-10-11, 06:20 PM
I gettt what your saying except guys pretty much ignore me cause I don't take meds (I dont have the diagnos) so I can get really hyper and when I'm hyper I get really talkative and that can bother guys ( I had a really bad movie date experience he thought I was trying to impress him!) anyway ask to talk to him (face to face) and look him in the eyes and say to him "really do have ADHD and if your not going to believe/respect me and what I have been medically diagnosed and have to take medication for then maybe we should rethink our relationship." And if he decides that he wont understand you then leave him because he is not worth your time sister.

Mesaana
04-07-11, 12:25 PM
it sounds like people are taking sides in this thread, and being very openminded with a tendency to put myself in the other persons shoes, i am going to start out that what i am going to say is neutral, not meant as an attack or a defense, but as advice given on my experience.
everyone is entitled to their own opinion, whether you like it or not. while frustrating, this is something that only becomes more infuriating if not accepted. from what you wrote in your first post, it sounds like your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (although i know there are two sides to every story) may have been arguing with you just for the sake of arguing. some people like to play devil's advocate just because they can. it does sound like your boyfriend really does not believe that you are out of the norm, but it may partly be because of how hard you were trying to prove that you aren't. some people just like to argue. keep in mind, there is no who's "right" or who's "wrong", it's all opinion. no matter what your opinion, though, it's important to realize that other people's opinions are going to differ from yours, and that that is ok. not everyone in the world is going to think like you. your boyfriend does not sound like somebody who cared or respected your thoughts and feelings, it sounds like he had his mind made up before you had a chance to explain your point. also, a tip for those who have to deal with someone like this, one who does not believe in "mental disorders", for example, or believe that add is not a "real problem"- while it is true that EVERYBODY obviously from time to time has traits of add, like being forgetful, impulsive, and involuntarily being inattentive, etc. (this sounds like the excuse your boyfriend was making to try to say that everybody is like that), it only becomes a disorder that can be diagnosed when the symptoms you experience are extreme and impair your ability to function in everyday life. this is a point you could have brought up to your boyfriend, because although he may have traits of add, it doesn't sound like he was having issues with his life because of them, otherwise he would have been seeking help for it. it is common to walk into a room and forget what you are doing there. it is less common to walk into a room, forget what you are doing there, leave, remember what it is you needed, walk back, forget, leave, remember, walk back... repeat like x 10. make sense?

koro11
05-04-11, 07:46 AM
Yes, young guys are not good for relationships because their hormones are still going crazy and they are too immature. You need to get an older guy who is mature.

darkangel99
05-12-11, 05:46 AM
Hmmmm that isn't always true tbh. I Have to agree with you on that one been through that and now im with someone who is older then me, but it always doesn't work out that younger guys are immature my mate has been with the same guy since they were in secondary school. There are exceptions.

Grasshoppaa
05-12-11, 09:51 AM
Yes, young guys are not good for relationships because their hormones are still going crazy and they are too immature. You need to get an older guy who is mature.

Hmmmm that isn't always true tbh. I Have to agree with you on that one been through that and now im with someone who is older then me, but it always doesn't work out that younger guys are immature my mate has been with the same guy since they were in secondary school. There are exceptions.

I'm single and currently accepting applications. I'm not very empathetic, but I'm REALLY good at pretending I am.

Conman
06-03-11, 10:16 PM
Yes, young guys are not good for relationships because their hormones are still going crazy and they are too immature. You need to get an older guy who is mature.

ow. that hurts. yes we are guys, and guys are...guys. it's an uncontrollable fact of life. BUT NOT ALL OF US SUCK. some mature faster, others mature slowly, then there's the select population who dont mature and are in their 40's still trying to bully their high school victims.

give the guys youre interested in a chance. for better or for worse, it's these experiences in life we learn from, and thus make us human.

Grasshoppaa
06-03-11, 10:33 PM
I'm single and currently accepting applications. I'm not very empathetic, but I'm REALLY good at pretending I am.

Thanks for bringing this thread back, since I surprisingly haven't received any applications yet. I did have the last reply, so I'm sure most people just did not see my comment. I'm waiting ladies. :cool:

ow. that hurts. yes we are guys, and guys are...guys. it's an uncontrollable fact of life. BUT NOT ALL OF US SUCK. some mature faster, others mature slowly, then there's the select population who dont mature and are in their 40's still trying to bully their high school victims.

give the guys youre interested in a chance. for better or for worse, it's these experiences in life we learn from, and thus make us human.

Although I do agree with what Conman said, I also think that maturity is overrated.

Conman
06-03-11, 10:46 PM
at grasshoppaa...what do you mean maturity is overrated?

overrated is an awesome song by three days grace

Grasshoppaa
06-03-11, 10:59 PM
at grasshoppaa...what do you mean maturity is overrated?

overrated is an awesome song by three days grace

It is an awesome song.

Yea, honestly I was only being semi-serious about maturity being overrated. I sometimes pride myself on being a little bit immature. I tend to take a more relaxed and less serious view of life, which I think makes life a lot more fun for everyone, which is kind-of what I meant by "maturity is overrated", but of course there's a time and place for everything.

Conman
06-03-11, 11:12 PM
oh you mean it like that. i can be immature, mostly when im with friends, but who isnt?

Grasshoppaa
06-03-11, 11:18 PM
oh you mean it like that. i can be immature, mostly when im with friends, but who isnt?

Yup. You can probably tell by reading my other posts that almost all of my comments/answers are lacking in seriousness. Hey, I gotta keep myself entertained some how though. I actually don't even know what this thread was originally about.

Conman
06-03-11, 11:20 PM
huh? i wasnt paying attention cuz That 70's Show is on