Hi I just joined and this my first thread.I'm a mother of four and married to wonderful husband.I wonder if any of you that have kids have similar problems like me?I tend to go into my own world at times and it makes me feel guilty,since my kids need me.I sometimes isolate myself because i get impulsive or i just do my own thing,play games(which helps me alot).I know I love my kids and I act like a kid myself with them which they like that of me,but I will try to do better in not isolating myself from them,now that I'm on medication.Plus the medication(straterra) not yet set in,i just stared a week ago.

Hi Anne,
I have four sons. I do isolate (and feel guilty about it). But part of the problem is that I completely lose track of time. So, the periods of isolation can be quite lengthy. I was just diagnosed and won't see the psychiatrist for meds until October. Susan

Hi Anne!

I have two sons (ages 2 and 3) and I also isolate myself from them and I also feel a tremendous amount of shame and guilt as a result. I love them and my husband more than anything else in this world.

I've always needed to have time to myself, even before having children. I always thought it was because I was an only child and therefor used to having that time alone. That may very well be true, but now since I've been diagnosed with ADD, I have come to realize that it's also a method of dealing with overstimulation. I still have a tendency to look at my isolation as a very selfish behavior because I want to be able to do what I want when I want. I think I just need to learn to balance it out a little better and learn how to incorporate the time I need for me without taking away from them. Staying up late after they go to bed is one of the ways I deal with it currently, but that's not working out so well because then I want to sleep in way late which messes up the whole next day and makes me feel worse about myself.

I also am on Strattera and have been for a little over 3 months. It has helped, if only subtly. I notice an increase in motivation, for instance, I can go take a shower and make my bed now instead of sitting around talking about it for hours first. I do still procrastinate though, and many things are still pretty unmanagable (my project list, for instance). But I guess it's a process and things will slowly get better.

I really appreciate that you shared about isolating from your kids. It's great to know that I'm not the only one who does that and I'm not a horrible mother/person.

I hope the Strattera works out for you! Let us know how you're making out.

Thanks,
Monique

Thanks.I'm glad I'm not the only one.made me feel better.

Anne:

I do the same thing with my children...I tend to go off in the other room while they're playing so that I can destress with a magazine or go online for a little bit. I used to feel guilty about it, but I don't so much anymore because I know that without my 'me' time during the day, I'm useless to them because I'm so much more impatient.

Julie

I can understand exactly what you mean. I do that a lot! In fact, I am doing it right now. They are waiting for me to give them yogurt and I am here on the forums! So bye, I will give them the yogurt right now.

I have 2 daughters 14 and 9....... It's getting better for me as they get older. They understand who their Mom is. They now have a voice to tell me when I've messed up and made them feel I didn't care or didn't seem to pay attention......

They each have their own way of making sure I remember things, like signing stuff for school or something like lunch money......

Looking back the signs were all there. For years I cross-stitched/needlepointed. For several yrs my step mother and I had a shop together, I taught it, sold it, lived it, breathed it. So many people who knew me were surprised that I could 'sit still and concentrate' long enough to do it. Now I know I was 'hyperfocusing' then. I had to scale back when my first daughter was born in '91 and then even more when the 2nd one came along in '93. I started back to college (talk about an ADD challange!) in '96 and now I couldn't tell you the last time I did any needlework. But it was my 'escape' my 'calm' my 'therapy'. I divorced in '98, and my youngest was diagnosed in May with ADD. She's been on Strattera for about a month without much change. I was diagnosed (formally) about a month ago and they gave it to me as well. It seemed to be helping somewhat but I quit (as well as changing Dr.s') because to put it bluntly, was affecting my sex life. I'm on Adderall now and it's doing ok so far. The problem is explaining to my fiance(we've been living together since Oct) the need (I really couldn't before the Dx of ADD but now I can) for 'alone' time? My girls live about 100 miles from me and I spend the weekend with them every other weekend. While I'm gone, he has 24+ hrs of 'alone time', but he seems to forget that I'm not! To compensate sometimes I will take off for an afternoon on a Saturday to 'roam'. It makes him nuts because I don't have an abc agenda. I've found that since I've been on the meds this is not as pronounced as it once was but I still sometimes resent (for lack of a better term) this time that he gets! When he was gone for 2 nights several weeks ago to visit relatives with his daughters that were here for their annual week visit I was alone for 2 nights. It was wonderful! I didn't go to bed till almost 2:00am both nights (up at usual 6:30) and I just reveled in being alone for awhile. Can anyone else relate to this?

so you like being alone?I love it.like in the mornings I do exercises,go to the store whatever.My husband doesn't get me at times and we argue,cause I want to be alone to concentrate(on what I don't know),but I want to concentrate on something.I don't want talking,noise, unless its music.I love music.I don't klike being around too much,(people)(yelling),so my poor kids find me moody at times.I'm not taking anything right now,I'm trying natural pills for stress,to calm me downPlus exercise and eating well.I found out in the internet alternatives for anxiety which I also have(double whamy)Add & Anxiety.I haven't really noticed anything yet since I started a week ago.Straterra was making me sleepy,plus side affects.I just hope I don't have to drink any more pills,unless natural.wish you the best.

Wow, the more I read, the more I see others with the same issues. Yes, I also end up hyperfocusing (unfortunately, it is always something useless) and get stuck there. You tell yourself you should be doing something else-getting back on track- but I don't and totally lose track of time. I have a 1 1/2 yr. old and she really needs attention, and I feel so guilty. i am not even sure if I could label it "me" time because I do not destress when I know I am overdoing it at the expense of soemthing else.

I guess I isolate myself in a way. I have 2 sons a 3 yo and a 7 mo. I get "lost" in the computer but it is in the same room as the kids are. I really long for some time where I don't have to worry about anyone but myself. But those moments are very far and few between. Some days the fact that I am never alone really makes me feel like I am on the brink of my ability to cope with motherhood. That makes me very sad :-(

OMG, it's so good to read about others that need "alone time"...and I need LOTS of it. Even long time friends still cannot understand my need for isolation, before long they're calling me to make sure I'm not depressed (I'm not) and then I feel guilty for snubbing them. Don't get me wrong...I like people and spending time with them, just not all the time. My kids are grown and have flown the nest, but my husband was disabled 2 years ago and now is home 24/7, so it's been a real challenge to balance my needs with his. Sometimes a cabin on an island on a lake deep in the north woods sounds soooo appealing.

Sometimes a cabin on an island on a lake deep in the north woods sounds soooo appealing.

Can I go too? We can each have our own cabin on opposite sides of the island. :D Or, we can have an ADD Mom's retreat without kids & husbands. Just daily spa treatments and drinks with little umbrellas. ;) Registration starts now!!

Where do I sign up addwifey?:)

Does anyone regularly get a sitter (if you have kids) or just plan that alone time into your day or week?

Unfortunately, that has been another thing I have been procrastinating about because with 2 young kids there are quite a few things to plan before getting the sitter. (i know-excuses,excuses)

My oldest is almost 4 and we have never had anyone else watch her. It used to sound like a luxury to me in the past, but I am realizing more & more we really need it!

I find myself getting more stressed out when I don't have time to myself. I don't seem to have a high tollerance for lots of stress and demands on my time.
Which is funny because I tend to put myself in those situations a lot. I do okay if I have just a little down time to myself to do what I would like.
It was especially hard when my son ,who has autism, was home before he was diagnosed. He was finally accepted into the special needs preschool. That gives me time during the day to do whatever. I thought I was going to go nuts for a while there.

It is really hard when my husband goes on a business trip. I cannot get out to the store because my son doesn't handle that too well.

I found that with Strattera I zoned out even more. It helped me focus but changed my personality. My husband noticed it. I told him that it was like when he zones out on the computer with games for a long time. He has his obsessions too. He finally understood what I meant because he experienced it with me.

Then I was put on Adderall. I am back to my old self again. I haven't tried concerta yet and don't know what the difference is. You might want to try a different medication. Good Luck!

I too share some of the same issues. I find I "steal" alone time, like hiding in the bathroom or maybe weeding just a bit longer in the garden. I feel guilty for sneaking it when I should just set time aside for me. Others in my family take what I am doing as ignoring my kids. They have yet to understand what goes on in my head. :( they take it as an excuse!

Hmmmm.... stealing time. I took that to a new level when my kids were young, almost 20 years ago. In addition to raising kids, my husband and I worked alternate shifts, to save on day care, plus farmed part time. I could never find any time for myself, so what did I do to find "me' time? Took a couple classes at the local college. Now I could always say, "Mom's studying" and capture some alone time. But that just aggravated things cuz I never really studied....oh, my intentions were good and the books opened, but I basically just sat there trying to recoup my sanity, then typed my way thru way too many dinners to count. Surprisingly enuf, I got better grades than my earlier college years. But, oh, what madness!!! I need to come up with a new plan.... and soon!

Another thing you could do is tell your kids that you have to go to "time-out" because you did something wrong like yelled or something. Then take about a half an hour to your self ....relax and enjoy.

Wow! I'm so glad I'm not alone in isolating myself and needing "Mommy Time." I have gotten into the habit of getting on the computer long after the kids are asleep and hyperfocusing. I have this computer game I am addicted to, "The Sims." Ever play that one? You can build people and their houses and their lives and then run them. Well, anyway, a sequel is coming out next week, and I've been so excited about it my hubby is sick of hearing about it! LOL I caught myself wishing that I could take the week off work and send Hubby and the kids somewhere on vacation so I could spend the entire week alone with my computer!! Is that sick, or what? :(

Boy am I glad I found this board! I am a mom living with ADD. I am currently taking Concerta for it (and Zoloft for anxiety and Wellbutrin for depression -- I run the whole gamut!) and have had good luck with it, but I think I may need to increase my dose.

I am a mother of two (a boy age 21 mos. and a girl age 5 years) and I have been reading through your posts. I was feeling like a really bad mom, because sometimes I "tune out" while here with them. I feel like I ignore them alot. It has been really bothering me and I've been praying about it, but I don't know how to fix it.

I remember growing up my father isolating himself and ignoring us kids. I'm not sure if he had ADD or not, but my mother was diagnosed several years ago. I find myself doing this same thing. It has made me resent my father and I am deathly afraid that my children will feel this way about me someday. I really try to spend time with them, but get frustrated after like 10 minutes and find myself doing something else (like reading, I read alot... or being on the computer, I do this alot too).

I also do what you guys are talking about with "hyperfocusing". I find sometimes I just CANNOT tear myself away from an activity, until the guilt builds so high that I feel terrible for my family. I didn't realize that this actually had a name! Sometimes I feel like such a mess and that my kids don't deserve a mother like me. They deserve better, and I try, but the desire to isolate myself is so great sometimes I can't avoid it.

How do you all cope?
Thanks in advance for any suggestions you have. I am really at my wit's end with myself.

I, too, deal with the issue of needing some alone time. About 10 years ago (pre-ADD diagnosis), we did Myer-Briggs testing at work. I wish I still had the results, but the one thing I remember most is some wording relating to personal energy. People with the same type as me need time alone to build up personal energy. People like my sister need to be around others in order to gain that same energy. That really helped my understand myself and helped remove (most of) the guilt feelings about not spending all my time with my spouse and girls. I know that I'm a better wife and mom if I have some "alone" time.

That being said, it is tough to find that time when I'm balancing work and family. Often I have to accept that I will only get it in small chunks. I mentally have a meter (like a fuel meter on the car) where I increase it when I have time alone and watch it carefully so I don't get stuck on empty. I know it sounds a little odd, but it works for me.

I also find that I pay less attention to my kids if we are at home where there are many distractions for me. I do better if I can take them someplace like the park or library. I can focus completely on them and they feel like they get lots of mommy time.

[People with the same type as me need time alone to build up personal energy. People like my sister need to be around others in order to gain that same energy.]

That DOES make sense. I find that if I'm around people too long I feel "drained", like I've just put in a long days work.

[I also find that I pay less attention to my kids if we are at home where there are many distractions for me. I do better if I can take them someplace like the park or library. I can focus completely on them and they feel like they get lots of mommy time.]

ABSOLUTELY! It is harder at home. When we go to the park we do spend 100% of our time together (same for library, etc.). Maybe I need to plan more trips. LOL!!! Being a stay-at-home mom I do have time to do this type of thing. I prefer to hole myself away though. ;(

I can really relate to this thread. I need downtime, and need time to myself to focus. It's difficult to get that with young children in the house, especially with DH rarely here. Today is one of those days when I find it maddening that I won't be able to put 'em in bed for at least another hour and a half .... ;)

I really relate to this thread. When my children were young, I spent hours on end drawing house plans. I was definitely hyperfocused; it was a survival technique, I can see now. But I hope none of my children feels I neglected them intentionally. I am glad that they had each other. (I have six.)

Now that my youngest two are teenagers, I am thankful for car rides! They commute for half-an-hour each way to school, and I drive them there and everywhere else. It is precious time.