I was orginally inspired by This post (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3619) and well, had to unload some.

From the age of 16 on-wards, I've been a constant pothead. Perhaps the reason why I don't use the word "druggie" is because even though a lot of people I know deal, don't give free stuff away. I'll be the first to admit that I've used a lot of stuff before, but I also thought all that was going to change aftert this summer. I spent most of it working in Brazil and then visiting family in NYC and NC , where I didn't touch weed the entire time. As soon as I got back to Denmark, however, the entire thing did a 180 and I was back to my old habits of drinking and smoking -every- -single- day.

I was without any "things" other than cigarettes, but as soon as I got back to Copenhagen, I couldn't imagine a different "lifestyle". Ever get that feeling you're stuck with the people you already know and nothing will change your life unless you move somewhere else?

I've tried the geographical cure and it didn't work. It seems that everywhere I go, there I am, same as I ever was. I met the same people and got into the same relationships.

In order for something different to happen I had to do something differently. It meant a year of pain like I'd never known before or since as I began to do for myself what I was relying on substances to do for me.

In short I had to grow up. I had a lot of growing up to do. I expect that although I was thirty years old I had an emotional intelligence of a 14 year old. Not a laughing matter to try and catch up with I'll tell you. It was ugly ugly. I remember days with my wife screaming at me to take a drink and lighten up! All this from a woman that begged me to clean up my act for years. She never approved of grass at all.

So finally I just made the decision and got to 12 step meetings. There were a lot of guys like me whom qualified with multiple addictions. Meetings are a weird thing of that there is no doubt. In the beginning I thought they were all loopy as hell. But I had to admit they were having way more fun than I was and I wanted to have that fun myself so I jumped in with both feet and did what I was told. It was laughable looking back at it.

Now I am often mistaken for responsible guy. I have mothers that are comfortable with me heckling their ADHD kids and the local 4-H club milks me for all I'm worth. My daughters are growing up with more self esteem than I ever had at their age. In short it's worth the ride but in the beginning it's almost impossible to see the light, or any light. I was clueless for a year, but maybe I'm thicker than most I don't know.

I had to get to a place inside myself where I was willing to do anything to get clean. I'm not anxious to get that low again any time soon. But once I got low enough emotionally, I became willing to go to any length to get what the pranksters had of the "happy" thing that I saw at my first meeting.

I went to at least three meetings a week for a year and stayed to study and ask questions and just hang out until they closed the doors. I was really ripe for the picking. eh eh But to go backward was pretty bleak and may have been the death of me. Hopefully I'll not get to test those waters again.

I have things now. I have things I'm proud of contributing to my family and friends. My life has more depth and I'm much more often found laughing. Life is rich but this guy (me) has to take responsability for his happiness or it's all just a party and I no longer believe that the party is the way to be at ease with myself and others.

It's wild what falls my way now. I love the Tom Wait's line that says: "Opportunity don't knock it has no teeth and it can not talk".

Maybe a move could help you but it never worked for me. I still have to practise making my stand from where I'm standing and not thinking my stand would be better made over there somewhere better... ya know? OMG I love this place. You can say things out loud and I know you can't hit me with overripe fruit!

Why do you want to quit?

I'm in a goofy mood. I beg your pardon.
ian

In my experience there's a reason for it. Sometimes just for fun or laziness but generally more of a self medicating deal. Got to figure out what that is & then the drugs will just be seen as an interference and fall away naturally. Not that I'm all through that but it's the best advice I can manage.

Thanks itschaotic. I mean it, thanks for sharing something so personal.

And paulbf, I have been thinking about it recently. I guess it has to do with boredom, as while in Brazil I had a job that interested me and family I hadn't seen in years to entertain me :-).

It's more than that, but I guess I'm still thinking about it.. I've managed to cut down since I posted but still find myself a lot of the time thinking "man, I could do for a drink/J right about now.."