View Full Version : Dammit.


sarey
01-21-11, 09:41 PM
This seems to be a freaking pattern with me.
Banned. From another forum. YET AGAIN.

I just, I get so impulsive & aggressive & I get very nasty when in these mindsets, especially when I'm feeling sensitive & attacked, & I say whatever is on my mind, & it's just... BLAH.

I don't know what to do.

I'm currently awaiting response from adult services referral, I have no help until then, my agitation is increasing, my fuse is decreasing in how short it is, I'm getting more & more impulsive, very aggressive, my focus is all over the place, urges to harm myself are getting ridiculous, & all in all, everything is just a mess right now.

I have a bunch of other crap going on(which I think some of you know about from previous threads of mine) that amplifies & perhaps even is responsible for some of this, or at least adds to it, BPD for a start can't be helping any of this, what the flip do I do about that?!
What the hell do I do about all of this crap?!
I feel so overwhelmed.

GAH.
I'm damn messed up & have been for as long as I can remember & it's all I know & I'm aware that sounds pathetic.
I just don't know what to freaking do.

I just...
I don't know what I want.
From this.
From people.
From professionals.
From anyone.
From anything.

I'm sorry, I don't know the meaning of this thread, I just needed to get this out.

cantakeitnemore
01-21-11, 10:01 PM
Wow! I thought it was just me. This was before I ever thought I could have a psychiatrical disorder. I was banned from 3 psp forums, twice on yahoo answers and once on general forum.
Its their problem not ours! ;)

EshkaronsEngine
01-21-11, 10:15 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwrL9MV6jSk

Don't blame urself. I welcome u to the outcasts: persons who care 2 damn much!

sarey
01-21-11, 10:48 PM
Thanks you two <3 Glad to know I'm not alone with the forum banning situation!

Rebelyell
01-21-11, 10:56 PM
I could of swore You got banned again Esh ,yeah it said banned and I was like OHH noo then 2 days later your still here:).Even tho I dont know you Sarey Im sorry your having such a hard time in life right now,I'll keep you in my prayers.I read your other post and it sounded very positive and hopeful so what changed that for you if you dont mind me asking is it part of the bipolar?Im having a similiar problem w the main boss at work hes verbally abusive and I've gotten to loathe the man so muchI almost lost it last week and wanted to grab him by the throat and set him straight.My Dr wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer:O sorry honey Im not the 1 whos needs that.Well anyway best of luck in the new year,new year new times make the best of it if you can.

Sandy4957
01-22-11, 12:57 PM
Sarey, have you ever been on any sort of mood stabilizer? I know you have your past medications somewhere but I can't recall where.

By "mood stabilizer" I'm referring to something for bipolar. You do seem to swing around a bit.

Has anyone ever diagnosed you with borderline personality disorder? That's a tough one to manage. I've sort of been there, though, and I pulled out of it at about 22. Don't know if anyone would have diagnosed me as borderline back then, but looking back, I sure met a lot of the symptoms. It was a good talk therapist that pulled me out of it.

What she did was interesting. I'd come in all wound up about something (a fight with a boyfriend, some hurt someone had done to me, etc.) and she'd say, "you're absolutely right." That would pretty much stop me in my tracks because I'd never really had anyone AGREE with me like that. So then I would settle down, and then we'd talk about why I was upset about it, what assumptions I was bringing to it.

So, for example, the boyfriend didn't want to move to where I was going to go to law school. What were my assumptions? That it wouldn't work out, that I'd be alone, that he didn't really care about me, etc. Then she'd explore what I really KNEW (what could I measure?) about each of these things? Could I know that it would work out even if we lived in the same place? (No.) So was being in the same place essential to it working out? (No.) Could I know that I'd never meet anyone else even if it didn't work out with him? (No.) What did my past show about whether I'd meet anyone else? (That I always seemed to.) Were those changes for the better/worse/neutral? (Usually neutral to better.) What did I know about how he felt about me? What could I "measure?" (He rubbed my back a lot. He cried when I cried. He said that he loved me, etc. Hmmmmmmmmm...)

Then she'd ask what might be alternatives to how I viewed the situation? She'd have me put myself in his shoes. What other concerns might he be bearing, in addition to what I wanted or needed? (His mom was dying of cancer and had been for 15 years, incredibly hanging in there through all sorts of misery, and he probably couldn't bear to leave her even though she made him nuts.)

By the end of the sessions, I was always calmer because the added perspective allowed me to step outside of myself and see my own feelings/concerns/etc. as part of a larger world. I went from being very emotionally reactive, to extremely nonreactive. I became the person who could always see the other side's perspective.

You might try attempting to self-talk your way through this sort of thing until you've got services to help you with it. It isn't hard. But you have to start with the problem.

So pick someone you attacked on the other forum. What did he or she say that set you off?

Whatever it was, you are absolutely right. ;)

Start with that. Whatever it was that you were upset about, you were absolutely right.

Now, what about it upset you? What are you assuming about what the other person said or did?

sarey
01-22-11, 01:59 PM
Oh no, Not Bi polar, Borderline is what I meant by BPD, I've recently found out through my referral letter that I have it, which isn't a shocker, but it's certainly discouraging.

I was upset that I couldn't express what I wanted to say. I wasn't meaning ANY harm, and he removed my damn post, and I PM'd him & it got very heated & I was banned.
I find it horrible and very restrictive when I cannot express myself accurately, and when I cannot be who I am, and when I cannot even say a simple thing such as "that sentence confused me" - how is that insensitive or rude?! That's what it was apparently!
I said I wanted my thread closed, they removed that too!
How is that fair?!
How is that okay?!
Gah.

I have been on a lot of medications before, but not sure about a mood stabilizer, what are they? I'm on a new anti depressant now, Fluoextine, missed my dose today though, it's making me very,very drowsy, I've been on an anti psychotic before, however, it made me gain weight, so I came off it, (very sensitive about that kind of side effect), I've been on Sertraline before, made me much worse, been on recently Mirtazapine, that didn't do anything for me, helped a bit with sleep for a while but then it did nothing, been on others but not sure I remember the names now.

Sandy4957
01-22-11, 04:13 PM
Ahah. Borderline makes a lot of sense to me ('course, what do I know!). I wouldn't let that discourage you. Better to know what you're dealing with.

So why did you ask to close your own thread? Were you anticipating that they were going to close it anyway?

What was the gist of what you were saying that was removed?

Remember: You were absolutely right. It was not fair. It was not okay. :)

Why do you think that the moderator on the other forum removed the post?

I was on a mood stabilizer called Lamictal (Lamotrigine) for a while. It is an anti-seizure medication. It caused weight gain for me, though, and like you, I can't stand weight gain. I'm not sure what other mood stabilizers are out there other than Lithium and I've never been on that.

sarey
01-22-11, 04:39 PM
You seem to know quite a bit Sandy, don't be so hard on yourself. <3

I wanted it closed because my question was answered - in very few words, basically that it wasn't an existing disorder(complex emotional disorder) & because that had been basically resolved in a way, I wanted it closed, I get very anxious when threads are left open as I don't know what to expect from others, I feel both vulnerable and well, as said, anxious in threads, especially on forums I'm not used to.
So, I simply wanted it closed.
The admin said they don't get closed, as they can be used for "debating" & speaking about other topics relating to it, this angered me, it's MY thread, I should be able to request it be closed surely?!
Then the admin came back & said to me that actually it is HIS thread as it is HIS forum.
I went on a ramble saying no it isn't, it's MY thread, I created it, ME, not HIM.
It may be his forum, but it is MY thread.

My post was removed for requesting it be closed, and for saying to another member "that sentence made no sense" - I was confused, and I wanted clarification in a way to understand what that user meant.
Apparently that was freaking insensitive?
I don't see HOW, but whatever.

So. that's what happened.

& Mood stabilizers... I might go on them when I see adult services, apparently they tend to be more hands on with treatment as I'm no longer a child, and an adult, so they treat me as one, and involve me in treatment, so I can say what I think I may need, and it may be enforced. I'll try & ask about it, as I'm not good with verbally expressing myself, I'm more good with writing it down, however, I don't know how adult services are with people such as myself with difficulties that mean I have trouble communicating, and the fact I can at times revert to a child like state/act in a childish way, like closing up & closing in on myself, getting very frustrated, walking out of sessions, refusing to see them, etc.

*long ramble over, sorry!*

Lunacie
01-22-11, 04:46 PM
You seem to know quite a bit Sandy, don't be so hard on yourself. <3

I wanted it closed because my question was answered - in very few words, basically that it wasn't an existing disorder(complex emotional disorder) & because that had been basically resolved in a way, I wanted it closed, I get very anxious when threads are left open as I don't know what to expect from others, I feel both vulnerable and well, as said, anxious in threads, especially on forums I'm not used to.
So, I simply wanted it closed.
The admin said they don't get closed, as they can be used for "debating" & speaking about other topics relating to it, this angered me, it's MY thread, I should be able to request it be closed surely?!
Then the admin came back & said to me that actually it is HIS thread as it is HIS forum.
I went on a ramble saying no it isn't, it's MY thread, I created it, ME, not HIM.
It may be his forum, but it is MY thread.

My post was removed for requesting it be closed, and for saying to another member "that sentence made no sense" - I was confused, and I wanted clarification in a way to understand what that user meant.
Apparently that was freaking insensitive?
I don't see HOW, but whatever.

So. that's what happened.

& Mood stabilizers... I might go on them when I see adult services, apparently they tend to be more hands on with treatment as I'm no longer a child, and an adult, so they treat me as one, and involve me in treatment, so I can say what I think I may need, and it may be enforced. I'll try & ask about it, as I'm not good with verbally expressing myself, I'm more good with writing it down, however, I don't know how adult services are with people such as myself with difficulties that mean I have trouble communicating, and the fact I can at times revert to a child like state/act in a childish way, like closing up & closing in on myself, getting very frustrated, walking out of sessions, refusing to see them, etc.

*long ramble over, sorry!*

I've never been a member of a forum where the owner or mods wouldn't close a thread if the OP asked them to do so. That's kinda strange.

I know what you mean about not always expressing my thoughts very clearly. For instance, "that sentence made no sense" might sound like you were saying the person who posted it was incapable of making sense, especially if that person tended to take things personally and get upset easily.

If you had added "to me" it probably would have been clearer what you were trying to express. Or if you had said "I don't understand your meaning, could you please clarify?" Using either "me" or "I" that way shows that you're the one who is confused and not the other person. I don't similar things right here on this forum and had other posters get mad at me cause they thought I was bashing them.

sarey
01-22-11, 04:57 PM
I can understand I guess from that point of view, but I was confused & didn't really think to put anything else apart from that it didn't make sense so then they'd clarify what they meant.

Rebelyell
01-22-11, 05:06 PM
I got a warning months ago because the mod or whoever thought I was knocking neuro typicals.I argued till I was blue in the face and just said forget it let it go over a dopey warning.If Im right Ill argue my case and point till Im blue in the face and if Im wrong even tho I'll still love to argue I will gladly admit fault and take my lumpsI'll even argue at work w the non compus mentus's even tho my 1 friend tells me dont waste my time on them mental midgets an go down to there level.Sandy has to know what Im talking about she gets paid to argue:)I dont like confrontation but its gotten to the point in life that Im not gonna be the turtle this isnt super mario bros now.Anyway I didnt mean to sound dense and label you wrong sarey.

sarey
01-22-11, 05:12 PM
You didn't :) No worries x

I'm like that too, very stubborn, however I dislike admitting I'm wrong. I dunno why! I guess it's to do with making a fool of myself & I get very sensitive about those things.

Rebelyell
01-22-11, 07:18 PM
I think most women dont like admitting there wrong:) Now thats just a hunch?:) yes dear of course dear anything for you dear:D

Sandy4957
01-22-11, 07:21 PM
So, ok, the goal here isn't to decide whether you were right and the moderator wrong, or vice versa, right? Because if one has to be right and one wrong, then you're in a fight all the time, right? (And frankly, the moderator on that forum sounds like he or she's a bit reactive too. But then, people are...)

The goal is to figure out how to be less reactive. How to be able to participate in something like that without it amping you up so much, and without having the moderator boot you (rightly or wrongly).

What I'm hearing is that you had a conflict over whether to close the thread.

What do you think motivated the moderator to refuse to close the thread? Do a little brainstorming here. Put yourself in his or her shoes and ask yourself IF you were him or her, why might you refuse to close it?

As you're brainstorming, ask yourself whether there's any evidence to support the theory.

I'll throw out a couple of ideas. Maybe others here will chime in with ideas, as well.

Maybe the forum is the moderator's baby, and he or she is a little bit of a dictator about it ("how dare you tell me how to run MY forum").

Maybe he or she is protective of someone who was arguing with you, or the person whose post you said made no sense, so he or she is fighting with you on someone else's behalf.

Other ideas?

What do you think Sarey?

sarey
01-22-11, 08:22 PM
M... I think those ideas might be what happened. I'm not good at putting myself in others shoes. Plus I'ma bit brain foggy. But I dunno.
And yes, I've found women dislike admitting they are wrong, Ive also heard men sit on their *** all day & scratch their *** & overreact the flu,hence "man flu". Sterotypes rule ha.
When they're funny that is.
And about others.
=]

But anyway.
I dunno how to make myself less... explosive in such situations.
I've always been one for a short fuse, as well as stubborn & impulsive.
I don't know how to change that.
-.-

Thank you though Sandy, for everything you're saying here, it's helped a ton!

Rebelyell
01-22-11, 08:41 PM
Now thats funny and true Dammit!Men are melodramatic and sit around and scratch there butts and **** and whine an complain all day:D

Sandy4957
01-22-11, 09:05 PM
One way that you change the explosiveness is by becoming more effective at getting what you want.

And you become more effective the more you are able to motivate others to do what you want.

Motivating others involves stepping into their shoes. You have to understand what will make it a win/win for them to do what you want them to do, and then you present what you want in that light. Make sense?

So first step is learning how to put yourself in someone else's shoes. What can you know about the forum administrator/moderator?

He runs a forum.

Does that mean that he's making money, paid to administer it, or might he be a volunteer? His comments suggest to me that he's a volunteer and that perhaps he funds the forum himself.

Think about more. What more do you know? How can you investigate these things?

The more that you know about the other person, the more that you can step into his or her shoes.

And when you can do that, you sometimes can see why they won't ever be motivated to do what you want them to do. Then you may instead just accept that they won't. Or you may ask and merely hope that they will despite the things that you know will motivate them otherwise.

In any event, those strategies help to make you less reactive. But it takes practice.

Sandy4957
01-22-11, 09:09 PM
I'll add one more thing: to lengthen the fuse, you have to go through a sort of checklist. Ask first whether there may be things OTHER THAN the immediate situation that are informing your reaction. (Medication changes. Stress over not having a job. Hormones, etc.) Then, having ruled those things out (or decided that they play a role but that the immediate situation is still a factor, you assess how MUCH of a factor the immediate situation is, and then you ask, "what am I assuming about the other person's motivation?"

Then you ask whether the evidence backs up your assumption. If not, then you reassess. If it does, then you ask how you can couch your desire within the other person's motivation to make it a win/win? Can you adjust your request, etc.

You have to practice these things as much as possible. You'll find that you calm down over time as you gain these skills.

sarey
01-22-11, 10:14 PM
Hm.
That... sorta makes sense.
My brain is mushy though, so it might take time to absorb and put into action.
Thank you so much though, this is really useful & could help me a ton.
I think with my problems that means I'm usually easily flustered, agitated, stressed, etc, and with home life situation, and other factors like friendships, worries, concerns, etc, that makes it increasingly stressful and more likely to "lose it".
But he really p*ssed me off. :(

& lol Reb, I'm glad someone can see that ;p

bumpey
01-23-11, 08:35 AM
Now thats funny and true Dammit!Men are melodramatic and sit around and scratch there butts and **** and whine an complain all day:D

How dare you! not all men are like that. Ohh hang on, errr

Sandy4957
01-23-11, 12:48 PM
Well, as you know, Sarey, I deal with flustered people all the time. It's interesting how much less flustered you can feel when you have a PLAN, even if the plan is just a set of procedures to follow. You want to unstick your brain.

So try it next time. Next time someone or something sets you off, try the checklist, and follow the procedures, even if it feels meaningless. Give it five minutes and see if it gets you somewhere different from where you usually go.

sarey
01-23-11, 02:35 PM
lol bump.

And Sandy, thank you, so much, I will try it next time.

notsoplainJane
01-25-11, 12:06 AM
The goal is to figure out how to be less reactive.

And that's often a very big problem for people with ADD. Sometimes we only look at the situation from our own point-of-view, not taking into consideration that there may be other information that affects a person's reply.

The other day I received a phone call from a friend with whom I hadn't spoken for about a year (she lives about a thousand miles away, so she doesn't live physically close). She was very upset and asked why I hated her. My jaw nearly dropped to the floor. I am very fond of her and was flabbergasted why she would think otherwise. As it turns out, she called about 6 weeks ago and left a telephone message. At that time, I was just extremely busy, and quite frankly, forgot to return the phone call.

She never considered that maybe I didn't receive the message (which occasionally happens) or that it slipped my mind to call. She automatically assumed the worst.

Back to sarey -- it's possible that the moderator just learned he has cancer. Or, maybe he was fired from his job. Or, perhaps a loved one recently died. Or, his girlfriend just broke up with him. Or, he felt attacked by words that you did not intend to sound that way. Or, there could be dozens of other reasons.

And I know it is incredibly frustrating, simply because his actions did not make sense to you. And sometimes in life, we just have to accept that we may not understand decisions made by others (especially when it impacts us directly), and it's healthiest just to move on.

I'm not trying to make light of the situation at all. But, sometimes we just may not be able to understand others. And I know that feeling very well and sympathize.

Sandy4957
01-25-11, 02:02 AM
Jane has a great point....

Most of the time, what someone does or says has very little to do with us, and quite a lot to do with them...

sarey
01-25-11, 02:20 AM
i still think hes a selfish idiot.
but whatever.
it doesnt matter.
i am over it now.
it just got to me.
sorry.

Sandy4957
01-25-11, 03:03 AM
But see, Sarey, that's the thing...

You can avoid apologizing AND avoid believing that he's a selfish idiot. There can be shades of gray....

I don't blame you for being upset, nor do I think that you're a bad person. But that doesn't mean that I'd think that he was wrong for what he did....

sarey
01-25-11, 03:42 AM
there are no shades of grey in my life.
i dont think i follow.
if you dont think he was wrong for what he did, then fine.
but he was to me.
he was selfish and he was an idiot.
he restricts what people can say, and he doesnt allow people freedom.
he is egotistical and i dont like him one bit.
he reminds me of people in my life who have hurt me.
and that does NOT sit well with me.
but then again, maybe i deserve it.
whatever. im going to bed. sorry again. this threads pointless. i doubt anyone will even close it from here.

notsoplainJane
01-25-11, 02:02 PM
there are no shades of grey in my life.

I do understand, and I felt that way for a long time. And I finally was forced to realize that my vision was not that of reality. There are reasons -- that people make decisions -- that we cannot have the ability to know. If we take everything that everyone says very personally, life will be a long, sad road of disappointments. Part of the maturing process is to realize that people may have reasons for what they do that we are not able to access. Small children all think that way, and as we grow older, we just have to understand that life is much more complex than a simple right or wrong.

Sandy4957
01-25-11, 03:31 PM
Well, and Sarey, sweetie, you'll have more success, is the thing.

You want people to be for you, which means that they MUST be AGAINST others who hurt you. But people can be for you and for others all at once.

sarey
01-25-11, 03:38 PM
well i am not a small child. and i have matured thank you. i grew up very fast having to take care of my alcoholic mother and other things in my life. i dont have shades of grey, but its nothing to do with "maturing", i have matured, its to do with my problems.

and i dont believe that sandy. people cannot be for me and for others at the same time, your either for me or against me, if your for the other person, how can you be for me?

EshkaronsEngine
01-25-11, 03:43 PM
You didn't :) No worries x

I'm like that too, very stubborn, however I dislike admitting I'm wrong. I dunno why! I guess it's to do with making a fool of myself & I get very sensitive about those things.
I love playing all sorts of games but my girls isn't into it cause she thinks I'm making her look like a fool. I wish the ladies cud just take themselves a little less seriously all I want is to love them and have fun with them:rolleyes:;)

Trooper Keith
01-25-11, 03:46 PM
and i dont believe that sandy. people cannot be for me and for others at the same time, your either for me or against me, if your for the other person, how can you be for me?

I am both for you and for everyone else. I am literally "for" everyone. Most people don't feel the need to "take sides" over things a lot of the time, and there's no point to it. I don't have enough information to take a side here, for example.

While you might not see that people can be both good and bad, both for and against, because of your reliance on splitting, that doesn't make what you perceive true. There is no black and white just because that's all you can see.

notsoplainJane
01-25-11, 04:09 PM
people cannot be for me and for others at the same time, your either for me or against me, if your for the other person, how can you be for me?

You've set yourself up for a lifetime of conflicts. Until you open up your view of the world to include viewpoints that you may not understand, you are guaranteed to experience a life of misery and failures. You have allowed yourself no room for growth.

My way or the highway -- not a smooth path.

sarey
01-25-11, 05:02 PM
yeah because i really choose to think in black and white, your acting really nasty on something i dont choose to do or control doing, this is part of the problems i have, just like with you and your adhd(assuming you even have it)just like you cant control being distracted/not focusing on something, or cant control moving your hands and feet, or blurting out something.

whatever.
this threads over and done with now, im not bothered about the original issue and this is just causing unneeded stress and drama. which i DONT need right now, so can someone close this thread before this gets really out of control? id rather not have that happen thanks.

notsoplainJane
01-25-11, 05:25 PM
yeah because i really choose to think in black and white,

...your acting really nasty on something i dont choose to do or control doing, this is part of the problems i have,

Do you see the contradiction? You say that you choose to think in black and white, then immediately say that you don't.

My intent was not to upset you but to point out the inconsistencies (which we all have). Whatever problems we have in life, we work on to improve, whether through medications or changing the way we think and act.

I wish you well.

sarey
01-25-11, 05:27 PM
thats something called sarcasm.
i dont see how that could come across as saying i do control it with the other words involved in that sentence.
but okay.
whatever.
sarcasm.
i wouldnt ever contradict myself like that for starters too.

i didnt come here for people to judge me on problems i have, i came here to express how i felt about something and if anyone could help me with the anger i felt and the situation that happened, not for people to nit pick at something i cant control, thanks.

notsoplainJane
01-25-11, 05:35 PM
i came here to express how i felt about something and if anyone could help me with the anger i felt

Sandy did a fantastic job. If you seriously have no control over the way you feel, then how can anyone help you with anger?

You may not see this, but you're setting yourself up for failure. You say that you cannot open your mind to think any other way than what you do. Then, you request help with the anger you feel. How can that anger dissipate if you have no control over it?

sarey
01-25-11, 05:38 PM
i never said i have no control over the way i feel, i said i have no control over the way i think - my thought processes - black and white thinking.
though you dont choose to feel things, i do think you can learn to manage your feelings and outlet them in a healthier way.

seriously, stop trying to nit pick what i say, its getting pathetic and your not getting to me if thats what your trying to do.
and yes, sandy did do a fantastic job, i even said as much and thanked her, whats your point?

i dont want everyone to agree with me, all i wanted was support and ways to cope with my anger. dont assume what i want. you dont know me.

EYEFORGOT
01-26-11, 09:00 AM
Moderator's note:

sarey has expressed that she has resolved her personal issues with the original post.

We are now going off topic. And it is getting very frustrating.

I will keep this thread open; after all, we all deal with internet communications and being impulsive can say and do things (whether a moderator or a member) that are not kosher to guidelines. I believe we can help one another.