View Full Version : Viscious cycle

02-22-11, 03:23 AM
I need to take control of my life to be able to control my depression. But I can't afford to do the things that will make me feel more in control of my life until I'm not depressed anymore. It doesn't seem like there's any place to start breaking out of this.

Last week, I was feeling much better. So on Saturday, I went to dinner with a Meetup group I had joined. Generally, once I get to the point where I can get myself out and socializing again, I know that I've beaten the depression back, for awhile at least. But with my current situation of having no real job and living at my parents', it seems to make it worse because all I can think of after is how much better I felt when I had what the people I met had. When I had my own apartment, and a stable job where I could save a little money, but mostly the apartment and the freedom that goes with it. Now I've gone from finally feeling a little better to feeling worse than before.

Whether it's rational or not, living here makes me feel like less of a person. This is not a democratic household, I'm not needed here, there's no role for me to fill, unless I want to completely fall back into the role of a teenager who is not mature enough yet to be independent from her parents. I don't know if this could be changed, or if they would be willing to, if there were some way to do it. I'm open to suggestions.

As things are now, I can't stay here. But I can't afford to live anywhere else, unless I leave the country again, which I think would be seen as kind of a betrayal. Plus, to do what I want to do, I really need to be here to be able to take classes this summer and next year so I can get my gpa up enough to finally apply for a grad program. I just don't know what to do.

02-22-11, 08:59 AM
Focus, sweetie. You need more focus. I know how easy it is to become overwhelmed with plans and thoughts. One of the things that definitely make our depression worse is allowing our mind to run away with us. Practise some relaxation. Make a list of the things you want to do and then look at them one at a time and then write down what would need to be done in order for that thing to get done. Keep telling yourself to relax, one step at a time.

02-22-11, 11:25 AM
Thanks bluerose. All of those are things I try to remember, though it's difficult.

I'm also starting think that the books I read are not helping. I love to read but it's been quite awhile since I've regularly read good books - all I really read now are romances. Considering that a lot of what's triggered my depression in the last few years is thinking about my lack of romantic relationships, I don't think that constantly reading about unrealistic, idealized romances is helping me. It may sound silly, but I'm actually starting to worry that it's become an addiction for me - when I don't have a book of this type to read, I feel anxious and like I can't do anything else until I find another one to read, even if it's one I've already read. Are there Romance Readers Anonymous programs? :o

Hmm, interesting, I wasn't even planning to write anything here other than thanks.

02-22-11, 04:47 PM
If you enjoy reading so much why not read something a bit more factual? Read up on how to cope with depression. Read about positive thinking. And why not read some books on what men and women really want and expect from relationships. That sort of thing might help to put things into perspective and give you are more realistic view of the whole relationship thing.

I often lost myself in a book in order to distract from the depression and the racing thoughts. The Thornbirds was one of my favourites. In psych ward once a nurse mentioned to the psych-doc that I was always stuck in a book. I heard him tell her to just let me be. For some of us it’s a way of shutting out the world until we feel strong enough to cope once more.

I eventually turned to non-fiction. I was so tired of all the crap and all the questions I had no answers to. I think it would be fair to say that I got pretty obsessive about finding information. Sometimes I used to think my head would explode then I learned to read and then give my brain time to process the information - I would sleep on it.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. None of this beating yourself up because you can’t face doing something. We have low points and high points, treat your low points like a rest period and get things done during the high points.

And if other people are getting on your case simply tell them that you are working on it, and thank them for their concern. Causes less hassle and makes life easier for you cause your not having to explain or defend yourself all the time.