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I Know Why. . . . .

Posted 03-13-09 at 05:32 AM by meadd823
Updated 03-13-09 at 05:53 AM by meadd823
I know why neurotypicals think as they do and why they complain so often Ė I doubt any will listen but because I have been where they and I have been where their ADD spouses seeing both sides of this issue had given me some insight.


The only way a neurotypical would forget their spouses birthday, or anniversary is if they didnít care enough to remember. Because they are aware of the passage of time they are normally aware of the date and the day. Few of them can comprehend lack of time consciousness or date associations. So when their ADD spouses forgets their birthday or anniversary they assume we forget for the same reason they would - we didn't care to remember

NTers get mad because they apply their meanings to ADD behavior. Not realizing we are not aware of the same things. We may simply not know the day or remember the association but it has nothing to do with how much we love some one. NTers are not any more capable of comprehending our world of time relativity than we are able to understand time in absolutes. Our world are that much different therefore forgetting wonít mean the same thing for an ADDer as it would to some one who is NT.


There are times I get frustrated with Gary and his forgetfulness. He is high maintenance not because he is needy he can be intrusive and opinionated with a failure to listen. He doesn't realize he is violating a boundary or being obtuse unless I tell him I learned to give him the benefit of a doubt while still maintaining my own boundaries


Today in the surveyors office the surveyor was telling us about the differences in the various documentations, Gary interrupted with him by going into how upset he was about the shady way this man who sold him his land was. I already knew how Gary felt but I didn't fully understand what the surveyor was saying and I wanted to remain silent so the surveyor would finish explaining it to me.

I wanted Gary hush because I already knew how he left but I did not fully understand the difference between documents and I wanted to. I pretty much said it just like that. Gary has learned I am simply telling him what I wanted . . I am not mad nor was I invalidating his feelings.

I was impressed with the surveyor as he didnít miss a beat and continued on with his explanation as if our behavior was perfectly normal Ė Some thing refreshing about that sort of acceptance.

Gary wasn't trying to be rude he already understood the difference but didnít realize I didnít until I said as much. So Gary he hushed and let the man continue .

. I also know Gary has no problem being blunt back. . . our behaviors are the same in some place but different in others. We still misunderstand each other at times but we have learned how behavior misinterpretations cause wrong meaning application thus erroneous conclusions.


We do not know which is which until we ask the other person or quit making assumptions long enough to observe how they respond when the same behavior is applied to them.





Another example is - when I post some times Gary would stand behind me and read what I was writing. I took this as being nosey. If he wanted to know what I wrote he can access the forum from his computer I found his behavior intrusive Why stand over my should and distract me with comments or questions when he could just as easily get on his own computer and read the entire discussion.


Not every one thinks like I do Ė not even other ADDers like my husband. I tried an experiment tonight. I looked over Gary's shoulder and commented about what I saw on his computer screen. He didn't take it as me being nosey or intrusive He was happy I was interested in his life and proceeded to tell me all about his e-bay adventure. When he read over my should he is showing interest not being intrusive or invading my space intentionally.

The same behavior meant one thing to Gary and another thing to me . . .I think the same things happen more often when Nters get in a relationship with an ADDer.



If you want to know what some means when they do a certain action some times you can find out by returning the same action. . .then see how they respond. Chances are your spouse like mine will automatically apply their interpretations to your actions However the purpose of this entry is to realize we all do this to our spouses and some time it is the root of our conflicts more so that weather or not one or both have ADD.

An ADDer and NTer relationship will increase the diversity between individuals in a couple but it isnít the root cause of all martial strife. . . often times it is the reaction to the differences that create all the head aches




Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages " is close but he fails to expand upon the concept. Just as we do not necessarily speak the same love language as our spouse we may not share the same meaning to every day actions and behaviors.



I have known these things for a long time. Most people donít seem to automatically realize what they are doing when they apply their interpretations to another person's behavior. I am not really sure many are very interested in finding out. Thought I would share a little lesson I learned on the flip side of life . .
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Comments

  1. Old
    RedHairedWitch's Avatar
    Excellent insight
    Posted 03-13-09 at 01:42 PM by RedHairedWitch RedHairedWitch is offline
  2. Old
    meadd823's Avatar
    Thanks I though I would trying writing from the living room as the kitchen is getting mighty heated these days - why?? I have my theories but none of them are very nice right now.
    Posted 03-18-09 at 12:35 AM by meadd823 meadd823 is offline
  3. Old
    anonymouslyadd's Avatar
    A heated kitchen is not always a bad thing. I hope your situation continues to improve.
    Posted 07-02-11 at 12:17 AM by anonymouslyadd anonymouslyadd is offline
 
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