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Rating: 3 votes, 5.00 average.

Missing pieces.

Posted 05-02-13 at 12:39 AM by write4relief
In the last 2 years ive learned, adapted and accepted so much about self. About the new me. The new life I'm intended to lead. Though I cant helpbut miss pieces of the old me. The unaware, misguided, blissfully ignorant me.

Without going into the horrifically long story of how I got to this point, this may seem a bit scattered and nonsensical but I'm okay with that.

Ive reached the point in my post-diagnosis period that I'm starting to mourn the loss of my old self. The pre-labeled/diagnosed me. There is/was a "trigger" to my symptoms that's brought my symptoms to an unmanageable level, hence seeking treatment/diagnosis.

What I find myself missing is the way back version of me. The pre-trigger period when I was "normal". When I didn't have so much to think about. When I was "just a little quirky". I certaintly don't long for in that really dark place somewhere between my blissfully ignorant and blissfully aware period that ive been living in.

A friend once told me that after a while id go through a period where I want to stop my medication because I don't need it and I'm "all better now". I think I might be there. I feel like injustice need to wipe the slate clean and stop being me and go back to "simpler times". Though I know that there is no returning there. My symptom triggering "event" isn't going anywhere. So I'm not dilusional enough to believe that I will/could ever be. Who I was 5 Yeats ago. And I know THAT was no picnic either.

But these thoughts just whip me back to feelings of guilt. For simply missing life before the madness. Or at least life with adifferent madness.

I miss it though. I miss it terribly some days and some days I don't. This is the first time in over a year that ive felt even an inkling of anger and denial. And it came out of nowhere. As a matter of fact it came out in the course of this post that THAT is what is happening. up until this point I had never givennanythought to how permanent a situation this is.

This isn't the end of the world. Certainly not. But nonetheless. And in the midst of this. I realize that I still feel too great an urgen to apologize for who I am. Fornwhat I do. For having a special brain. Which meansnthat full acceptance hasn't happened. But I'm okay with that. But I'm not apologizing anymore. I am who I am. I do what I do. I feel the way I feel.

Missing things sucks. The guilt associated with this yearning for something that I don't and cant have sucks. Not being able to be in the presence of something that you would love to be able to return to sucks. Not that. I think the old me had it better or had more control - I just am now well aware of my lack of say so in the matter.

I miss my friend too. Haven't seen him or heard from him in while. I know why, and I get it. But again, missing things sucks. Nice to just know someone gets it. Nice to let someone know you get it. When you feel like there are only 2 people in your life that understand (or at least would understand) who you are and one of them is gone, it sucks. Its another missing piece.

Missing things that make you feel guilty sucks. Longing for life before the complication of understanding my life. Longing for the companionship of someone who isn't able to divert any attention away from his own life. Understanding that and still being selfish enough to seek it.

Whatever- again, not the end of the world. Just another daily frustrating thought(s) that I want to get out of my brain.

To the old me, and to my friend - I love you and imiss you both.
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  1. Old
    ADD me's Avatar
    Oh, my. The me I was before the symptoms got so bad, even though I know intellectually they were there all the time.

    Yes, I mourn her loss. But part of me also cries out, to no one in particular, Why did you let this go on so long before telling me?

    This is the third time I have suffered the loss of a "self." The process is familiar, but not any easier. Each time has been worth it, so I just keep holding on to that.
    Posted 05-04-13 at 12:47 PM by ADD me ADD me is offline
 
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