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Hello Rock, meet Hard Place

Posted 05-11-13 at 01:52 AM by write4relief
There's a fine line between having respect for someone and giving up pieces of who you are to spare their feelings. How do you recognize the difference between the two? When making a decision based on the feelings of someone else, someone who you love, who loves and respects you, you imagine it might be pretty cut and dry. Of course I will do this for you. I love you. I respect you. I want you to be happy. But what if your brain responds differently? Instead, what if you hear - I want o do this for you because I love you and I think I respect you. But doing this would make me unbelievably sad. It doesn't feel good. And it makes me unhappy. Is that a clear indicator that you are making a bad decision? A compromise that is slated too far in favor of the person your trying to appease? Or is it a sign that maybe you don't respect them the way you think you do? Maybe you love them, but apparently not enough to make this sacrifice/compromise without feeling some resentment toward them. Anger. Disgust even? If a decision, and decision is made begrudgingly, there is no other outcome than resentment and anger. How do you determine what your motivating factor is for this sacrifice when you are so heartbroken by making it?

Was it made simply because you have a feeling of obligation toward this person to show love and respect? Is it because lack of confidence in your own self worth makes you a people pleaser, even at tje cost of your happiness? Do the feelings of resentment and disgust say more about yo as a person or about the person requesting this sacrifice of you? Are they equally at fault for asking you to give up something that means so kuch to you your willing to risk heartbreak, headache, and just about anything else to ensure its existance? Even feeling THAT way raises questions about your charecter, your moral compass, your whatever you want to call it. Why is it that THIS has become so important to you that it has overriden your sense of obligation, respect, and love for the person who obviously would like for this sacrife to be a no brainer.

When and how do you decide that this is about YOU and your happiness, and not someone else's? Making a decision for your own happiness leaves its own trail of guilt however.....

How do you win a battle that making someone else happy makes you sad, yet making yourself happy makes you feel selfish and guilty.

I know it depends on the specific situation - but this argument seems to follow me daily. Unti I get tired of making all the sacrife. Of always putting myself second, if not third. And I eventually can't stand to look at the person that has "made me" give up so much of myself.

Yep.
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