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IN my life I have learned every possible way to go around an obstacle without getting past it at all. I felt like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder up the tall mountain in hell, for it to only turn around and roll back down again.

I have felt like a vampire, a ghost, a ghoul, a monster, and a dead person at times.

I've questioned also why my conscience must be so sensitive that I feel like a monster simply because I get angry a lot and I argue a lot.

I've questioned my chronic disregard of what other people think in favor of what is good or convenient to me at the time.

I've spent years troubled about why my mother never loved me enough to leave me feeling secure and loved. She loves me, but it's never enough. I feel like a vampire.

I've questioned my own worth as a person when potential friend after potential friend has reacted negatively towards me because of something that I couldn't really accept because it seemed so hateful or bigoted or intolerant. Similarly I could never understand why my friends never treated me like a best friend when I loved them so much.

I've questioned my femininity when I could never manage to attract a good boyfriend who would be loyal to me. I could never understand why loyalty was not a given, in a relationship.

I've questioned my rights to expect fair treatment from my loved ones, when I don't share an equal amount of the work. I've accepted any treatment, without having the ability to leave any situation. I was grateful for what I got, and never was beaten.

I named my blog "My Haunted Mind" because I picture myself as a woman sitting in a chair and she has a haunted mansion for a head. The haunted mansion is my mind, all these years haunted by something I could never define yet was barely perceptible all around me and never suspected within me.
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hope for the haunted lady after all

Posted 05-06-15 at 07:41 PM by icarusinflames
I've been trapped, utterly trapped for so long. I sometimes feel like a character from a Charles Dickens book (Great Expectations), Miss Havishman who is a very ancient lady wearing a decaying wedding dress all the time, and trapped in her dusty strange mansion. She was jilted on the altar years and years past, but she can't get over it. Nothing has changed. Her wedding feast is still on the table, but all in dust and worms and decay. She flits about her strange cavernous hall, behaving erratically, saying the most awful things without any ability to self control and soften her internal bitterness. She would like to see young Pip heartbroken by the beauty of a young girl who plays with him there, as she is so bitter she can't enjoy the sight of others growing and becoming healthy and bonded.

How disturbing. How awful that I felt so badly!

I don't think I've ever loved myself as much as I do now.

I'm disturbed, that's true. But I'm an incredibly beautiful person. too.
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