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IN my life I have learned every possible way to go around an obstacle without getting past it at all. I felt like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder up the tall mountain in hell, for it to only turn around and roll back down again.

I have felt like a vampire, a ghost, a ghoul, a monster, and a dead person at times.

I've questioned also why my conscience must be so sensitive that I feel like a monster simply because I get angry a lot and I argue a lot.

I've questioned my chronic disregard of what other people think in favor of what is good or convenient to me at the time.

I've spent years troubled about why my mother never loved me enough to leave me feeling secure and loved. She loves me, but it's never enough. I feel like a vampire.

I've questioned my own worth as a person when potential friend after potential friend has reacted negatively towards me because of something that I couldn't really accept because it seemed so hateful or bigoted or intolerant. Similarly I could never understand why my friends never treated me like a best friend when I loved them so much.

I've questioned my femininity when I could never manage to attract a good boyfriend who would be loyal to me. I could never understand why loyalty was not a given, in a relationship.

I've questioned my rights to expect fair treatment from my loved ones, when I don't share an equal amount of the work. I've accepted any treatment, without having the ability to leave any situation. I was grateful for what I got, and never was beaten.

I named my blog "My Haunted Mind" because I picture myself as a woman sitting in a chair and she has a haunted mansion for a head. The haunted mansion is my mind, all these years haunted by something I could never define yet was barely perceptible all around me and never suspected within me.
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The Proverbial Bad Seed

Posted 05-08-15 at 08:22 PM by icarusinflames
Thinking of how all my life, I have felt like my parents didn't do enough to help me, that they didn't really truly care about me, they left me alone in my misery, etc.

I'm not saying that the young me wasn't right to feel that way.

They couldn't have helped me. They had no idea what was wrong with me. That is why they couldn't help me. They insisted that I was just the proverbial bad seed because that was easier to understand and accept than to guess I had a neurological issue.

If they had known I had ADHD and they assumed it only meant that I was careless, risk taking, impulsive and distracted... they STILL could not have helped me. Because even then they did not understand that this was a neurological issue and how deeply it affects me ... how much it will impact my life, cause me to hate myself, cause others to not want me to be a coworker/bestfriend/anything. I could go on. But if they had known how deeply this would affect me all my life, and how it would taint my enjoyment of personal relationships... they would have done something.

But it appears they were distracted, not paying attention, hyper-reactive to their own parental needs, etc.

I must have made them literally sick feeling at times, since I know that feeling so well now as an adult. I know the pain and sickness you feel inside, when you worry about one of your children and you feel somehow guilty for how they turned out, but you don't know why.

The only thing I can do is to get better myself and then think how I could help others (my kid, and then other others) as much as I can. There is no more meaning to my life now than to try to get some skills in place to deal with my cognitive issues so that I may be stronger to help others.
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