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IN my life I have learned every possible way to go around an obstacle without getting past it at all. I felt like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder up the tall mountain in hell, for it to only turn around and roll back down again.

I have felt like a vampire, a ghost, a ghoul, a monster, and a dead person at times.

I've questioned also why my conscience must be so sensitive that I feel like a monster simply because I get angry a lot and I argue a lot.

I've questioned my chronic disregard of what other people think in favor of what is good or convenient to me at the time.

I've spent years troubled about why my mother never loved me enough to leave me feeling secure and loved. She loves me, but it's never enough. I feel like a vampire.

I've questioned my own worth as a person when potential friend after potential friend has reacted negatively towards me because of something that I couldn't really accept because it seemed so hateful or bigoted or intolerant. Similarly I could never understand why my friends never treated me like a best friend when I loved them so much.

I've questioned my femininity when I could never manage to attract a good boyfriend who would be loyal to me. I could never understand why loyalty was not a given, in a relationship.

I've questioned my rights to expect fair treatment from my loved ones, when I don't share an equal amount of the work. I've accepted any treatment, without having the ability to leave any situation. I was grateful for what I got, and never was beaten.

I named my blog "My Haunted Mind" because I picture myself as a woman sitting in a chair and she has a haunted mansion for a head. The haunted mansion is my mind, all these years haunted by something I could never define yet was barely perceptible all around me and never suspected within me.
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the Queen syndrome

Posted 05-12-15 at 06:18 PM by icarusinflames
I have always felt that I suffered from the "Queen syndrome" which means, feeling priviledged enough to speak your mind freely, regardless of whether you actually offend anyone, and subjecting people to a particular scrutiny when they are in my presence, which can seem either of two ways: I sometimes seem very warm and personable, and very much interested in the person. Or I can come across as a bit too intense, perhaps in a searching way. This is the curse of my ancestors, I am certain!

It feels very ancient indeed, to have such an attitude. Perhaps it harkens back to a tribal society where there are just some people who act like they rule it all, whether they do or not. They may die young for this. Or they may go on to start and lead (for a time) a dynasty in the making. There are people who naturally settle into community dynasties.

The converse side of my intensity is that when I do turn from you, it can seem as if you fell off the face of the earth for all the effort I make to contact you or to keep in touch. Many a promising friendship was killed with such an archaic attitude as what I seemed to convey. Snobby is one thing. Strangely on and off again is another! I actually still feel fond of people long after I stop talking to them. If they contacted me, it would be as if no time passed at all, concerning my fondness for them!

Knowing that this is my tendency, it perhaps would be more understandable that the only close relationships I can maintain have been stormy ones where there was a lot of conflict and neither party thought seriously of abandoning.

I have dreamed of a friendship that is mutually respectful and intellectually honest. I should not give up hope, but this is hard to find. Very rare, I think.

*note: do not confuse what I say here with the Queen Bee syndrome. I don't tend to run in girl gangs. I usually only do friendships, one on one.
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