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Ramblings from a very disturbed mind
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Girl, Interrupted

Posted 08-04-09 at 01:23 PM by Ethereal
After another war with my boyfriend caused by him treating me like **** and me abusing my meds again, I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital on Sunday morning. I had to do something drastic, not only to get help, but to show my boyfriend I'm willing to do anything to save this relationship, to get better, stop abusing, stop acting crazy all the time. I've been in mental institutions three times before- I spent three months in a hospital last summer, and I'd sworn I'd never admit myself volounteerly again, as I didn't think I could go through even one week in a nuthouse again. When I, in desperation, did admit myself again, I planned to stay for a week or so, not more than two- but I was kicked out after less than 48 hours, as they needed a free bed, and I was the least insane patient on the ward. If I hadn't been kicked out, I don't think I would have lasted a week- it was the worst place I've ever been a patient- the nurses were unfriendly and cold, some borderline mean- I had to share a shower and a toilet with the whole ward, which was unbearable, as they were not kept clean, we weren't allowed to eat after 8 pm, even if we had our own food, and we couldn't smoke between 11 pm and 9 am- no matter if you couldn't sleep and having a major breakdown, like I had the first night. When a male patient came into my room, which couldn't be locked, and started stroking my chin while I was asleep, I'd already had more than enough. I was sexually harrassed by another patient last summer, almost raped, and this brought it all back.

I've been promised intensive outpatient treatment, in form of therapy 3-4 times a week, I think that's a better solution than being locked up for me, I can't deal with strict rules with no flexibility, being scared of getting molested or raped, being locked up, constantly watched- it wasn't living hell, it was hell's bigger, badder brother, something someone has invented for people who have commited sins so big that hell isn't punishment enough.

After deciding to kick me out, a doctor, who hasn't exhanged two words with me, decided I couldn't get my Ritalin back, as I finally did what people have been begging me to do for a long while- I admitted that I had some issues controlling my addictive tendencies and have been taking more Ritalin than I'm supposed to sometimes- I gave them the very edited version of the truth, not telling them nearly how bad it really has been- but it was enough to get cut off. This is why I've refused to seek help for my addiction, I knew this would happen. But, I did it, to prove to my boyfriend that I'm serious about getting better, and got severely punished. Now, I don't know what to do. Without Ritalin, I can't function, I can't manage basic tasks like doing laundry, I can't work on my novel, I can't be bothered to post in my fashion blog- all I do is binge, surf on the internet, sleep, maybe read- and it drives my boyfriend nuts. Our relationship is already in danger, now I'm going to go into zombie mode? How am I even going to get myself to therapy when taking a shower is too much for me? How am I supposed to fight my inner demons, to get better, to save my relationship without Ritalin?
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