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Captains log of troubleshooting steps taken, results and analysis of physical, emotional and intellectual response.

Documentation to aid in resolution of known corruption in operation system code language translation and possible multiple shorts in circuit wiring, resulting in CPU malfunction.

(Research notes may include but are not limited to to following; frustration, whining, fear, anger, grief, denial and extremely dark and dry humor...please consult your owner's manual for interraction warnings before opening)
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Consider if you will, a life lived on impulse

Posted 03-07-10 at 10:24 PM by carped1em
I'm boycotting the trazodone that they gave me for insomnia. Not a fan of SSRI's.
I'd rather be in existential angst than an emotional vacuum.
SO, insomnia returns....in hour 26 I found the thread about the most impulsive thing you've ever done.
I started my post innocently enough.

Several hours, 3 facebook chats, applications of ointment and junk on my zombie laser face, 2 cups of coffee, 60oz. water, 1 vegan kashi pizza, 2 bananas, peanut butter honey toast, 1/2 pk. of smokes, 1 loaded/empty dishwasher, 16 assort. playlists and 22 text msgs later...
It was faaaar too long to post & would be my rambling, what the meds did/didn't do for me, see I remembered to eat, blog for today.

Age 10 to 17 I had every color and punk rock style of hair (favored the double fin mowhawk with bangs), pierced my nose (in 1986 was way edgy), acquired 2 tattoos. One of which was done by 2 drunk skinheads (worker party, not racist), a safety pin and india ink.
The other was an "engagement" tattoo, to a guy named rob, who went by "Jag" before the CBS show existed. We broke up a month later. --My 3rd tat. was at 25. It's a celtic warrior's chevron with knotting, across my low back. Yes, a tramp stamp, almost hip to hip and 5" tall. Impulse tattoo #3 idea happened the morning of, and completed 2 hrs. prior to, flying from N.C. (I was on a 5 day vacation) to UT...
Thank jeebus for a mutant pain tolerance & the post tat adrenal/endorphine fix, splashed with copious shots of Johnny Walker. I slept like a baby.

Hitchiked to Oregon & lived for a yr as a very young teenager.
On the night of my return to UT, to sell a sheet of acid and go back (it was going for double than in Portland) I ended up eating the larger portion of a sheet of blotter, under a car, two feet from a police officer's legs.
I was already frying balls on 4 hits, knew I couldn't OD on LSD & didn't want that kind of posession/intent drug charge. Naturally eating it was the best idea, anyone would do the same, right?

I was cuffed in his car about the time I started peaking.
He looked like Jabba the Hutt with a huge Wilford Brimley 'stache that kept trying to climb into his ears and psychedelic glasses that ran cartoons like little TV screens. I spent the ride to Juvie trying figure out how he made the car fly.
Because my brain was going too fast for my mouth (all I could really do was smile & nod), it was the 80's, my parents only had outdated modeling pix of me, computer technology was...um DOS, I looked 17/18 & never been fingerprinted, it took them nearly a month to figure out who I was.

Age 18, quit my externship for my lab tech degree 6 hours shy of completion & never went back.

Age 19, organized a protest around the child care component of early 90's welfare reform. It started as a march around the capitol rotunda into the Governer's office & some press.
It ended with 3 organizers and 5 welfare moms +kids (my son was 18 mos.), taking the Governor's office "hostage" for 24 hours. The local press camped outside the glass walls the ENTIRE time.
Luckily in our state, it's (or was then) sort of small townie, press & politcally speaking. I banked on it being P.R. suicide if he had us arrested (we had atty's at the ready anyway).

My impulsive career jumps that would always start out as the one that would finally "make me happy"...
Lab Tech to Social Justice Organizer by day/stripper by night (yes, really) to
student/welfare mom to
pregnant/new/mom staff member of org. that I was a founder & chaired for 3+ yrs to
Electronic Data Interchange (E.D.I.) Specialist to Bank Courrier to
Customer Service Sup. @ credit card company to CAET Analyst (U.S.D.A./Forest Service) to
E.D.I. Analyst/technical writer/trainer to
auto dealership Business Development Mgr. to Bartender to
Escrow Assistant to non-profit art organization founder/Director (photographer/painter on side/farmer's mkt & auctions) to
Tier II Tech Support Coordinator to
a midnight hike to a forced commitment to.....
well, I guess to hospital, therapy, meds, empty house and now the Forums to figure out WTF I am & work on my Shrink prescribed outreach to others & journaling of my experiences!!

Woven through my occupational impulse quantum leaps, in the following order; "Trojan baby" pregnancy, marriage, pretended to be a pregnant heroin addict to stay in an inpatient facility when I was kicked out of my house & had no job or $, left rehab when they started to catch on, moved interstate alone to a YWCA shelter, a son, divorce, a daughter, bought house w HUGE yard (couldn't maintain) & rental (walking away from both), 2nd marriage, hooked up with off the grid/flakey variety hippy/new age-y group & ended up organizing (in 9 wks, virtually alone) a huge, 2 day spiritual/sustainable living event (that one nearly put me over the edge),
singing lessons, banjo lessons, countless spontaneous photography road trips @ financially ugh times, many crazy, concert/photo/road trip shenanigans with a yummy 23yr old rockstar/ producer/now firefighter, confidant/adventure pal, who I sat next to at work (not looked kindly upon), filed for 2nd divorce (not due to rockstar, seriously), spent alimony on cars/parts/racing, accidentally moved in with my 19 yr. old...uhem...muse 3 mos. before my divorce was final, hooking up 2 mos.post divorece with my ex husband in an effort to alleviate the uhem...growing "tension" @ home and prevent sex from entering into and ultimately ruining the best relationship I've ever had (Jobin), deciding spur of the moment to quit a very nicely paid and benefitted job, to rent artist's studio apartment & work in a coffee shop or the like & take wacky photography road trips with my afore mentioned muse.

The decision to quit & run away started a couple of days before my hike. I decided one morning over coffee that it would help fix my building, secret "crazy" or put me in a place that no one would notice or care.
Although it had been inserting itself into my thought trains & was researched in bits over a year, the decision to use the deep freeze escape plan (suicide), occured on the morning of my attempt.
The actual date and time of my suicide was decided as impulsively as any other event in my life. Had I been successful, the msg. I left for my boss, days before, to request a meeting (to quit), would have been far more disturbing, than when he called me back, to find out I'd been committed.
UGH! I don't like doing that kind of stuff to people.
Thank my lucky stars we off when I left the msg. until after I was committed.
We never spoke about quitting, so I have all my benefits that pay for meds & therapy. I seem to be the only nervous about quitting & losing them now.

It has become unanimously agreed upon as rational, valid & although it may change through treatment, is currently highly encouraged by ALL of my support people.
Mom, daughter and providers agree that my daughter should remain with my Mom regardless, until age 18, to eliminate any major stress or responsibilities for me. She's blossoming at home & school and is the happiest I've seen her in years. No protest here.

I now understand that my providers may never give the "ok" for me to return to that type of career. Fine by me.
I've got short and long term disability and am open to any kind of therapy/vocational rehab.
In spite of any skills or expertise I had in any industry, I dreaded every minute after the first 1 or 2 mos (max) of almost any job & spent the remainder of my time there in deadline panic or waiting for my psych cracks to be revealed.

My Mom LOVES & both of my therapists support, the idea of a "mental illness" road trip photography book, with Jobin, down the road when I'm reloacated and a little more stable. weird.

In spite of our age difference and bizarre nature of our relationship, they've encouraged muse Jobin and I to consider moving back in together soon and travel whenever it becomes possible for me. Weirder.
My ex husband is almost our biggest supporter, even knowing how much we love & adore each other & that I was sleeping with him only to stay in love with Jobin.
He has even agreed to watch my dog if Jobin & I end up with a place that doesn't allow dogs or roadtripping regularly & can't take her.
The guys are really good friends now. Weird doesn't even begin to describe...

Had anyone asked me on New Year's Day what January alone would bring, the life I'm living now would NEVER have been a consideration.
Why should a crazy, bohemian, roadtripping, artist life be any less probable?
It's too delicious to let my self really hope for and just too beautiful not to.
When we talk about it, even muse Jobin, the former and hopefully again, Dr. Gonzo to my Raoul Duke (minus the copius drugs & drinking), magically turns back into MY Jobin, advising me "as my attorney", instead of quietly looking at me like I'm a bomb with a random timer, set to take out a city block.

Looking at just the few wacktastic, impulse driven pieces of my life that I've included in this blog, knowing what remains unprinted (oh, yeah, there's much more), I'm scared to think of what I would/could still be capable of in the coming years w/o a MAJOR brain/life/chemical overhaul.

Thank you universal 2x4 to the back of the head!! Got it this time...I hope...
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  1. Old
    Phantastic's Avatar
    That was a lot to take in.

    I'm going to walk around a bit until I remember my name (correctly).

    Given that I remember my name incorrectly, I will subsequently fail to introduce myself.
    Posted 03-08-10 at 11:52 PM by Phantastic Phantastic is offline
  2. Old
    Phantastic's Avatar
    Oh yes, good writing btw.
    Posted 03-09-10 at 01:21 AM by Phantastic Phantastic is offline
 
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