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Captains log of troubleshooting steps taken, results and analysis of physical, emotional and intellectual response.

Documentation to aid in resolution of known corruption in operation system code language translation and possible multiple shorts in circuit wiring, resulting in CPU malfunction.

(Research notes may include but are not limited to to following; frustration, whining, fear, anger, grief, denial and extremely dark and dry humor...please consult your owner's manual for interraction warnings before opening)
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Slipping back down the rabbit hole...

Posted 03-11-10 at 05:43 AM by carped1em
Today was a pretty decent day all in all. It's getting late and my speed is long since gone.

I ended up eating only pasta, toast with peanut butter and bananas and green jello. I'm out of protein powder and i'm out of any high calorie food except peanut butter and I've had my fill thanks.

I'm trying to go to sleep before 3am (hhahahahha like that'll actually happen) so I'm not a complete mess for the "big reveal" of my test results at the shrink in the morning.

I'lll go to store tomorrow after my appointment if I have time (and emotional ability) before Alice in Wonderland.

I'm swinging so wildly between embracing whatever tomorrow brings and running screaming into the night, I almost want to stay awake so tomorrow takes longer to get here.
Eh, even if I stay up, my concept of time is so warped that hours usually feel like minutes. I'm probably just going to lay awake in bed until dawn anyway.

I really was okay with whatever diagnosis they could throw at me. I had accepted the thought that my prognosis may be so bleak that I would never be able to return to any of the major parts of my "old" life. I'm pretty sure it's the truth anyway.

Honestly, the mere thought of returning to my last job is bowel shakingly horrifying. I haven't even been able to talk on the phone to my boss or H.R., I've only responded by email or text. I started bawling yesterday in the middle of a call with my short term disability company as the rep was giving me the list of things I needed to have my providers send to them.

It was partially a momentary flash of realization that yes, I'm a big enough nut job that my company will keep paying me for going to therapy and sitting home being scared of $hit like driving and going to the store.

Nearly two months out of inpatient, I feel crazier than I did before and I just seem to keep slipping. I'm scared that tommorrow is going to crack something open inside me that can't ever be "fixed". I'm scared of my therapist's too calm and gentle voice and his big shiny forehead bobbing in front of my while he explains in detail, just how disturbed I am.

I'm scared I'll scream. I'm scared I won't feel anything at all. I'm scared I'll want to shove his pen into his eyeball and then show it to him. I'm scared I'll be relieved...I'm scared of myself.

F#######CK!!! REALLY??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?
this can't really be me, this can't really be my life, this can't really be happening, I can't really be this crazy, I can't really give a tinker's dam what diagnosis they slap on me, I'm still me, right?

wait, I haven't the slightest clue what or who I am now, and I think that's what really scares me.
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Total Comments 1


  1. Old
    Hmm, eating only pasta, toast with peanut butter and bananas and green jello can probably do some of that too... How did it go?
    Posted 07-29-10 at 04:37 PM by Layla771 Layla771 is offline
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