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Title is a quote by Robin Williams. See first blog entry for a description .
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Let's see what happens.

Posted 08-02-08 at 02:06 PM by BTCruiser
Started Adderall IR yesterday - 10 mg 2x a day. I need a place to journal my thoughts and keep track of how my body's reacting to it. But I've never kept track of my life's journey through ADD, and I think it's time.

So. Here it is.

I'll give myself an intro, although I don't expect many people to be reading (feel free, though. I warn you, I go through periods where I either don't shut up, or I don't talk.).

I'm Amanda. 33 years old. I'm a wife for nearly 4 years, the mother of one son (who will be two in less than 3 weeks ), I'm owned by two cats for almost 10 years. I've worked for the same major non-profit for nearly three years - the longest I have ever held a job - and plan to stay as long as they'll have me, as I adore my company and have just been promoted and transferred into a position that I love. I'm considering law school, but not for at least 5 years - I'd like to have a second child and have both kids in school first.

If I had to describe myself, I'd say creative, disorganized, organized, emotional, sarcastic, twisted, happy, loving, lonely, unhappy and loved. Not necessarily in that order and not necessarily all at the same time . I do think I'm a good wife and a good mom, and I love my family with my whole heart - I would sell my soul to make my son happy. (Which is why he has more Elmo stuff than I would ever have gotten him, except just the sight of the little red annoying monster makes his face light up. It's worth it.)

I'm into most sci-fi shows (Farscape, Stargate, Firefly, BSG, Doctor Who, Torchwood, etc.), love to read and can easily read a book a day. I'm an animal lover and can spend an hour just letting my girl cat purr on me while I pet her. I've had a pretty good life, although it's had some ups and downs. My goal over the last year has been to be more positive and more grateful for what I have. And I'm trying.

I was first diagnosed with Adult ADD four years ago. I had been seeing a therapist over depression and anxiety, and after many sessions, he and I looked at my history and discovered that I was pretty much a textbook inattentive ADD case. It was a lightbulb moment for me. It explained so much in my life. Why I got so excited over things, especially new projects, why I was always told that I was so damn smart, but I wasn't applying myself; why I couldn't figure out why I COULDN'T apply myself.

What actually did upset me was when I called my mother and told her that I had been diagnosed, and she said "Well, no kidding!". Part of me was angry. If she'd thought there was a reason for my *laziness* growing up, why didn't she do something about it? But then again, ADD had a huge stigma when I was growing up, and I was never, ever hyperactive - I was content to sit in a chair reading a book for hours - so it wasn't what we all thought ADD was. But I'm past that anger now. I've discovered that the good that my parents have given over the years far outweighs the bad, and I am very lucky.

I was on Strattera for about a year first. It worked beautifully. For the first time in my life, I could focus. I could finish projects. I could organize my work life and not feel that fear that I was going to forget something and be fired. I worked hard, and for once, loved my job and felt secure.

I went off of Strattera in November of 2005 in order to get pregnant. Got pregnant immediately, and either the tricks and tools I had taught myself along with the Strattera helped or something about pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones in my body actually kept my mind in check and balanced. Either way, I ended up going back on Strattera (80 mg) when my son was nearly a year old. In that past year, I began to feel a terrible discontent with my professional life. I was an administrative assistant, and while I loved the work I did in terms of WHY we did that work (we're a not-for-profit health organization) and I have a huge passion for our mission, I was sick to death of being a paper pusher.

So, one weekend, my husband and I discovered that there was a position open in another department of my company in my hometown. Since we wanted to move back, we took the weekend, discussed it, and on Monday, I applied. And I got the job - I have officially been there for a month and I adore it. I'm not a paper pusher, and I am being challenged. I have the potential for growth and I have a manager who respects that I have positive individual aspects of my own personality to offer. I feel great about my professional life.

However, I did notice a few months ago that my Strattera didn't seem to be working as well. Again, as with when I was pregnant, I relied on my own coping mechanisms to keep myself on track. When I moved back to my hometown, I scheduled an appointment with my family doctor (I've been seeing my other doctor in OH, and have gone back to my old doctor here), and we discussed treatment options. He asked me to up my Strattera to 100 mg for a couple of weeks, and if that didn't do any good, we'd try Adderall.

So, we did. And the major change with the Strattera was that I was more sluggish and tired. So yesterday, I picked up a prescription for Adderall, had it filled, and started my first day.

And that brings me to here.
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