Last week was an awakening of sorts...what now?

Im just venting in sorts for this post, its not my normal style - I am usually really grateful for everything I have and thankful for the great support I have. This whole thing with the new adhd meds has got me kinda trippin out a lil tho, just thinking wayyyyy too much into it I am sure - like most OCD/ADHD'ers lol. Anyhow...this is probably gonna take me forever to write (it always does lol, so bare with me while I think of what I am trying to say LOL). I will start with a recap of the last few weeks I guess. I started on Adderall XR about three weeks ago and was not really totally on board with my recent possible DX of ADD/ADHD. So needless to say I was fearful and not quite sure how the meds would effect me, especially from having a pretty intense history with panic attacks and anxiety - I was scared to take a stimulant. So...I sucked it up and just knew I had to at the very least try it since things were lacking in my productivity, motivation, lazy acting behavior here at my home and in friendships/social settings. So I took the meds and at first had some pretty crappy side effects like headaches, dry mouth, sweating and slight anxiety. While this was bothersome - I was actually gettin a TON of work and housework done, running around to the store when I wanted to go instead of 2 days later when I finally got around to going etc. My husband and friends were seeing a big difference and my own mother even said I seemed to speak slower on the phone - which I didnt notice at all. So - I was changing my thoughts on the stimulants and giving them a chance since I was actually seeing therapeutic benefits. After about 2.5 weeks into the meds on 10mg XR, I stopped having side effects which was great but at the same time the theraputic effects started tapering off...I noticed because once again I was playing scrabble online when I should have been working, staying in pj's all day - and not really having "clarity" in my daily routine/thoughts,etc. I sometimes get apprehensive about asking family/hubby about noticing things in me because #1 I hate feeling analyzed and #2 they are usually just eager to get me on more meds etc without understanding how I feel about all the stuff going on. My hubby sees only positive effects of the meds so of course he will say - "call the doc, get a bigger dose", while I am thinking about my longterm goals and HATE HATE HATE living dependent on medication to function (one day I will get over this I hope). Back to my situation, a few nights ago when I felt like the adderall was basically not working and I had already left a message for the doc to ask for a higher dose(like some drugatic lol), I needed some clarity. I started drinking red wine (I hadnt had any the whole time I was taking adderall those few weeks) at about 4pm and kept on till about 10pm when I passed out. Self medicating again, so that was proof enough for me I need the meds. I should get it right? Nope, still in denial - what is wrong with me?? I dont have ADD. Well I might. LOL WTF! I guess more meds is probably a good thing at this point, I mean what else is there? Go back to no meds? Not even a possibility now, because unlike before the meds (when I was blissfully unaware of my inability to have a clear mind) - now I know and see it all very clearly. Gee, Thanks Adderall. LOL. So yea, during the 2/4 days I was not getting any benefits from Adderall....I saw it all pretty clearly which is something I probably needed. Im stubborn and wont see anything till it stares right in my face, damn Irish in me! So, here I am today after talking to Doc yesterday and doubling up on the meds. Now 20mg XR - how long will this work? I feel so torn, want to believe this will last longer, but what if it happens again - that felt really ****ty. :-( I already feel like the meds on the dbl dose are working now at this time so that is promising. The only time I am able to write a blog post effectively is when the meds are working so.....watch for more? LOL