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The cure is as bad as the condition.

Posted 10-15-08 at 02:59 AM by FrankyGee
Okay, here goes nothing. I don't want this blog to be a pity party, but it's nice to bark into the ether. Why? Because you folks don't know me -- it's that simple. I can say what ever I want and I don't have to worry about trust, raised eyebrows, whispers, rolling eyes, condescension, criticism, and on and on ad nauseum. Better yet, you get what I'm talking about because it's your reality, too. Folks who aren't can NOT understand it. "Oh, I often think I'm ADD." Yeah, well, that's because you're an idiot on several levels, not because your brain doesn't work like our society thinks it should.

Being ADHD (and by extension ADD) is a ***** and you all know it. It sucks, blows, bites and generally makes so damn many things hard that don't have to be ... like keeping a job and not saying stupid things in the middle of a conversation. I am regarded as a very smart man known for creative solutions, hard work and having a personable demeanor. Well, guess what. That doesn't mean anything if you're constantly behind the 8-ball with your job.

The thing that really chaps me is that I tried Strattera for about two weeks and -- oh-my-gawd! -- it was amazing! I could sit and do my job -- even the most mundane parts of it -- for hours without drifting or piddling with something inconsequential. The thought that kept popping up in my head, "So, this is what it's like to be normal. Why can't I have this?" I had almost no anxiety and couldn't believe that I could read and ignore things going on around me. For two weeks I was as productive as my coworkers and boss and wasn't chewing my nails, worried about getting fired or chewed out for screwing up or being late on yet another project.

It was a horrible tease!!! I got those two weeks and then my prostate was the size of a tennis ball ... well, that's how it felt, anyway. My urologist took me off it, said I might have done permanent damage and, to this day, I now have issues with it. Again, what a damn tease!!! The one thing that I could take that really, really worked and gave me emotional comfort was now giving me physical pain. It's just not fair.

I've taken Concerta off and on for several years, but I have to take way too much Buspar for the anxiety it causes (like there's not enough anxiety already). The Buspar seems to help me feel better and worry less (especially about getting fired, but I still worry), but it does nothing for the other ADHD symptoms.

My God, I HATE being ADHD. I've read books and books about how to organize, concentrate and function. I've prayed, cried, broken things and thought about suicide way too many times. At least now I know what it is. I didn't find out until I was 45 and that was more than five years ago. (And there's that trust thing again -- don't want to put my real age in because someone will know it's me ... like the picture isn't a giveaway. Duh.) All those years thinking I was defective, and there are those who would argue that I am.

If you're reading this you're likely in the same boat and can understand this. My wife is a therapist and, God bless 'er, she thinks that she should be able to help me with this. She can't because she's too close to the situation. She's put up with my impulsiveness, mood swings, temper, and just plain weirdness for nineteen years. If it weren't for her, I would be in the gutter somewhere.

Oh well, as Popeye said, "I yam what I yam." Everyday is a new struggle to try and figure out how to make the most of what "I yam." Blessings to all of you and strength for your daily struggles, too.
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