I was reading up a bit on adhd today again and I have for many years. It's funny how you can think you know quite a bit and then, you read something in a new way.

Today I read about lack of empathy/hyper-empathy as a failure of regulation. I have seen the problems in my life and have blamed myself for them so long even knowing about adhd.

While I read this I thought, "it really isn't all my fault" as if I had never had this thought before. This sort of watershed...

When I walked into your room I saw you, and you already died.

I wanted to be with you and hold your hand when it happened but .. that was not to be.

So, I sat with you, I held your hand, I stroked your head. For half an hour I just sat and looked at you.

I asked to have time alone with you. I spoke, it's not that I had anything left unsaid. You knew you were loved and there was no unfinished business.

I just wanted to honour you with...

When will I trust me and not what others say?

When will I trust my gut that amusement is at my expense when I feel that it is.

When will I trust my feelings?

I'm dry, I used to describe my emotional life as a rain forest.. but it's not like that anymore. It's dry, now, it's too much.

It's a rain forest that died..

And dry forests just don't give a **** ..

Do people value goodness? It doesn't seem so.

Dad



He never looks for praises
He's never one to boast
He just goes on quietly working
For those he loves the most
His dreams are seldom spoken
His wants are very few
And most of the time his worries
Will go unspoken too
He's there.... A firm foundation
Through all our storms of life
A sturdy hand to hold to
In times of stress and strife
A true friend we can turn to
When times...