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Captains log of troubleshooting steps taken, results and analysis of physical, emotional and intellectual response.

Documentation to aid in resolution of known corruption in operation system code language translation and possible multiple shorts in circuit wiring, resulting in CPU malfunction.

(Research notes may include but are not limited to to following; frustration, whining, fear, anger, grief, denial and extremely dark and dry humor...please consult your owner's manual for interraction warnings before opening)
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The Awareness of Having Skin

Posted 02-14-10 at 06:58 AM by carped1em
I'm never aware of what my body really looks like. I think this is partly because I rarely know what my body FEELS like.

Right now, I'm always cold so I wear 1 or 2 shirts & 1 or 2 giant hoodies all the time. Because I haven't been shopping for about 30lbs. or so, all my sweats & jeans fall down. I never really do much more than glance in a mirror, unless I'm doing my hair or makeup. Then i'm usually in a gigantic robe & focused on individual features.
The slight visual blurb that I get when I pass a reflection is typically much bigger than I am in truth & other people's perception.
My birthday T shirt is a women's medium from a Japanese website. It fits perfectly. If I had ordered it, it would have been a men's large.

I've always been a MEGA klutz, so much so, my nickname in college was "moose".
Inside I feel like i have tesla coils in my head & gut that run a circuit through my muscles.
My body feels like a big wave of current more than anything. I'm not saying I can't feel movement like when your foot falls the numb kind of "asleep", before the pins & needles. I'm just not aware of it sometimes & when I am, I'm not aware of it as a unit, just whatever I'm focused on.
The current feeling kind of overrides everything. It gets stronger & weaker depending on a ton of factors that I'm just now learning to identify and manage.
Much of the time, I feel as if I need to keep moving or I'll explode. This is a facet of my hyperactivity.
It's amplified by my brain, so lost in thought sometimes, or so focused on remembering one thing, I am completely unaware that I have a body. Most people can't fathom this concept.

I takes me into that deep in thought/trance that EVERYONE gets into occasionally. I get there fast, deep & often, for longer periods of time, just as often when I'm up & moving as not.

Until the introduction of amphetimines into my neural...whatever, doing whatever "they" think it does, depending on where you do your research... the only time I could truly, feel my body dimensions and individual components for extended periods of time, was during yoga, pilates, sex or after a drift/off the line race.
I think this is because they force focus some of the excess energy into holding unnatural poses & they all include huge levels of endorphines & adrenaline.

I can lose my body perception during any of the activities, but racing is the only one that I'm "aware of my skin" more intensly after the fact. When I'm racing, I sort of become the car. Nothing in my head, no body, no current, pure zen.

I've nearly given birth before even registering any discomfort, let alone a contraction.
My sister ordered me to go get checked because I was especially edgy & moving around MORE than usual. Hard for me to comprehend that one.
I was trying to finish dinner, fold baby clothes, put together shelves, get my son's stuff ready for school the next day & whatever else caught my attention while moving from intended chore to intended chore.
I was so lost in everything I had to get done, By the time I agreed to go in just to humor her, I was @ 4 1/2 cm.
This was the very same baby, that I was pregnant with when I had a pulmonary embolism, that I thought was a little bit of a pinched neck from sleeping the night before & maybe a gas bubble near my lower ribs.
I didn't go to the hospital until after driving my sister to work, taking my son to the doctor, picking up my sister, driving home & finding out that I couldn't breathe when I tried to lay down.
My son's Dr. had told me to stop by my Dr.'s office, which was down the hall on the way out, but my sister called to be picked up & I had to get tylenol for my son's fever so I forgot.

Numerous broken toes, the above mentioned incidents, broken back, cracked skull, finger severed to the bone, tongue cut in half (lengthwise @ age 5, other story as to my parents delayed notification), and the list goes on. ALL without awareness of the seriousness of the injury until days later.

I've been tiny most of my life but there was a period of about 4 1/2 years that I was a size 22-26. I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome & broke my back in a car accident around the same time. A few months later, while I was still on reduced movement orders to heal my back, I had to do a couple of rounds of topical chemo on my entire face & neck.
I went into anaphylactic shock after taking a lortab a few years ago so I'm not big on pain pills.
My back had a deep ache after a while & the chemo burned & made my skin essentially fall off & scab over. I had to learn to laugh without moving my face or it would crack & sting. I used a well known herbal remedy to loosen my focus on my owies & chill.
All of these factors combined... I gained 80 lbs. in 3 mos initially & another 20-30 off & on over the remaining years.
It took me 2 1/2 years to realize I was fat.

Something sped up in me & I lost it all, and then some, in less than a year & accidentally became a vegetarian along the way.
Now, I have an awareness of skin & far less constant brain chatter. I keep saying to people that I feel like someone completely different, most of the time.
I was shocked when I saw the picture on my phone, of me in my new tshirt tonight. I hardly recognized myself to the degree that it disturbed me enough to write it down.

Tomorrow, I'm investing in some more clothes that fit. I'm also going to take more pictures of myself that include my body, on a regular basis. I don't know how else to keep myself, aware of just gets weirder & weirder.

Feb 2009 tonight
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